ALL HAIL TO THE QUEENS

Just so you know, America's Next Top Model will forever after on this blog be called ANTM. Monique, is the Queen bitch. I have to give her credit though, she doesn't back down. If you're in a house with 11 other girls, to be the biggest bitch ever, and knowing cameras on are you, you have some big bitchy balls.

Case in point. The first Tyra Mail they get tells them in a round about way that they'll be having breakfast the next morning with the two Jays. The next morning alarm clocks are raging, because you know, people need to get up to make it to the breakfast. Monique's not having it though. She wants God to come down and touch her cheek to wake her up each morning. How dare these people set this thing called an alarm to wake themselves up. She tells them she needs her beauty sleep. That's true, she does. She should try and channel Rip Van Winkle though because that bitch is not cute. I'm sure the fact that she spits fire and eats little children has something to do with that as well.

The girls make it to breakfast and I guess they eat, we never really see them doing that. The Jays do tell them though that they should be channeling vulnerability and that these emotions will come through in their pictures. They also talk about the impending makeovers. This is always a fun episode because like Miss J points out, all the girls are so excited about them, and then someone ends up crying. Jaeda tells everyone at the table that her hair grows fast, and she wouldn't mind if they cut all her hair off. Silly girl, now they're going to do that. Jay doesn't seem impressed at all and a bit sceptical, as am I.

I was excepting the girls to go to the salon now, but they go back to the house. Did the Jays just tease us? Those bitches. When they get there Tyra's waiting on the other side of the door and won't let the girls in. Oh that Tyra. When she finally lets them in we see the house has been converted into a salon. I have no idea what the reasoning is behind this. I'm trying to think of this, production wise, and can't seem to think, logistically, how this can be any better then a real salon, especially with all the advertisement it would get.

Regardless, the girls looked excited and in my evil way I couldn't wait for the crying to start. This year, instead of only having Tyra's floral description of what would happen, we had wonderful drawings of each girl. Ah, that's why they didn't use a regular salon, they spent all their money on this crap. It was helpful though. With each girl Tyra unveiled her plan. Cue sinister music.

Most of the girls had decent styles. Melrose she made platinum blonde. Brooke she changed her from blonde to dark brown. Eugena she gave hair extensions to. Megan got shorter hair and blonde. Anchal got shorter and with layers and they did that threading technique to give her a freakin' forehead, thank goodness. Monique just got some layers or something, but it wasn't that much of a change, which of course she bitched about. Caridee, they gave her a weave too and Tyra wanted her to be less actressy. AJ, Tyra wanted to channel Linda Evangelista circa 1992. Megg they gave her longer hair with more frizz. I almost couldn't type that. More frizz?!? And the twins I was expecting something drastically different, to really make them stand out, but nope, they made Michelle a red head and Amanda a fire engine redhead. Oooohh. And then Jaeda, with all her talk, got what she asked for, a Halle Berry cut. Ha-ha!

Jaeda was not happy. With all of that talk she was still a bit upset she had to get her hair short. You know who else was upset? Melrose. Apparently making her look 10 years younger by giving her blonde hair was not something she wanted. This just confirmed to Jay that she's a drama Queen. You should have seen the Jays getting pissed at these whiny little bitches. The worst, of course, was Monique. Now remember, she's the one who got the least done to her hair. You know why this ho was crying? She was crying because she didn't want America to see her with the tracks not in her hair. For those of you not familiar with tracks, they're just the extensions put in women's hair that creates the weave. She ran to the bathroom crying and the Jays had to get that bitch out. I really don't like her.

After all the bitching and moaning we're finally to the challenge of the night. They go to another seedy looking hotel and Jay's there. He tells them some spiel about not wearing make up and needing to get ready fast, I'm not really sure what he was saying. I was just looking at AJ in the back who got her hair lightened and styled ala Linda Evangelista and how she screwed it up and just styled it how she normally styled it. Bitch. Don't these people get it. Anyway, the challenge started off on the bottom floor. The girls would have a certain amount of time to put on make up and head for the elevator. It would stop twice more, for clothes and then shoes and accessories and they would only have 30 seconds at each stop. Any girl not in the elevator when it closed on each floor would be DQ'd from the challenge.

Megg ended up not making it, and then right before the last floor, Karma opened the clouds, sun shone down and Monique didn't make it. As Nelson would says, HA-HA! All the girls were happy she didn't make it, but knew that when they got home there'd be hell to pay. I realized then that Monique's like that abusive husband that has a bad day at the office and takes it out on all the people around him because he's a stupid bitch, just like Monique.

When the girls finally made it to the top, none other then the Queen herself, Queen Latifah, was there to judge them. She wasn't really harsh on them, and most of them seemed to do fairly well. Ultimately, the Queen chose Eugena, who I thought was going to be the Queen Bitch herself. I soon learned it was Monique, who was downstairs fuming still. Eugena chose two friends, Caridee and Jaeda to be a part of the prize, a photo shoot for Cover Girl the next day.

The girls were right, Monique was still pissed. She decided to call probably the only person in the world who actually talked to her. Her mom. She probably didn't like her, but was obligated to talk to her, you know, because of that birthing thing she went through. Of course, I'm sure Monique came out bitching and complaining. I wanted to feel sorry for her at the beginning, when she said her entire family was light skinned and her siblings called her blacula. Now I don't wonder why they did that. Anyway, Monique stayed on the phone for 2 hours. Melrose was freaking out a bit because she had to call her landlord or possibly lose $1000. When the girls tried to get that ho ass bitch Monique off the phone, for Melrose, she wouldn't have any of it, and stayed on the phone for another hour and a half, totalling 3 and a half hours. The last part of that she wasn't even talking to anyone, she was just pretending. When she finally came out she was so snotty, announcing to the house that she was off. No one was around by then. Look, I know if I was on this show it would mean that modeling is my passion, and I'd want to make it in the business. I would sacrifice all of that to have one good swing at this bitch. Seriously.

Finally time for the photo shoot. This shoot would be about hair. Apparently there are people who do hair in fancy funky ways, so the hair swirls and twirls and makes no sense at all, just cool to look at. They bring in the experts and start applying the hair.

If you ask me, none of the photos are that great, with the exception of Anchal and Michelle. I know, the two women I think are the least attractive have actually been the ones with the strongest pictures to me. Anchal is funny looking normally, but in the pictures she's absolutely gorgeous. Monique's personality makes her just about the ugliest bitch I've ever seen, so I won't even go into her photo. Poor Jeada isn't working the man jaw that much and AJ, her nose could direct plane landings. Not really sure why after the makeover they decided to put wigs on the girls, but whateva.

Finally, at elimination, it was down to two women, the token short haired lesbian, Megan, and the chick who cried when she got a Halle Berry cut, even though she said she'd be okay with it, Jaeda. Okay, so this is my one BIG complaint about this show. I don't think Tyra and the others take into consideration how these girls are when they're not in front of the camera or standing in front of them. I'm sure the Jays have talked about Monique and how she's a major bitch, and the photographer even told them that Eugena was a know it all during the shoot when she didn't know anything. Because they both had weak photos, I would think that would put them in the bottom two, immediately. These people have to go out and represent you and this show and would you really want people who acted the way they do? I wouldn't. Luckily, the big chin won out over the big nose, and Megan was kicked off. At this stage, I don't care, I just want that stupid bitch Monique to get kicked off.

TYRA TYRA TYRA

I really can't wait for the good shows to start. Not that reality isn't great, because from looking at my blog I'm sure you realize how much of it I watch. Grey's Anatomy is tonight, and soon LOST, Battlestar Galactica, The Nine which you HAVE to watch, and then my personal favorite (most of the time) 24 in January. Until then, or until someone tells me to stop, I may be forced to talk about the mind numbing reality shows. Of course The Amazing Race doesn't count in my disdain because it's just such good TV.

Anyway, last night we were treated to two whole hours of Tyra. The show started off a bit confusing, with what looked like only 13 or so girls. Usually the season starts out with at least triple that many so Tyra can weed them all out. Miss J was there to greet them at the airport where they immediately had a photo shoot. This was just a fancy way of getting their mug shot for our reference. Turns out, there were more girl, about thirty or so of them. Now, I know models aren't supposed to be the prettiest girls. That sounds like an oxymoron, and it is. Some of these girls are dogs. Woof woof. I actually had to look away from some of them, although Tyra and the Jays thought they were better then sliced bread. Oh, and their bodies. Good God they needed a Good Humor truck to set. STAT!

Unlike last year, with Jade, none of the girls seemed downright rude. A few a little sure of themselves. That's to be understood though, they were just chosen out of what Tyra or someone tells us is tens of thousands of people. Tyra and the Jays knock the girls down to just twenty or so, and they head off for their first photo shoot. It's going to be in the buff, on top of some seedy ass looking hotel. I think maybe they're down by the airport or something.

Most of the girls are down for the nakedness. One girl in particular, whose name I can't remember at the moment, thinks she'll be disowned by her family if she does this and starts crying. I'd be crying too, but not because of that. Because I'm not trying to be naked in front of forty or so people. Plus, because this isn't the best hotel in the area, it's not the tallest, and you can see all the buildings around it. Now, you'd have to have binoculars and/or a telescope to really see anything from another building, but don't tell me some pervert doesn't have that. I guess if you go through all of that trouble in the first place, you deserve to get an eye full.

The other girls try to encourage and rag on the girl for not doing it, and it is quite stupid, if you want to be there, do whatever you have to do. Eventually she gets up enough courage to do it, but only for two frames, then she chickens out. Good for her for overcoming her fear. It just irritated me that it wasn't a fear of showing her body, it was a fear of grandma and grandpa back home. Get over it. Seriously.

Tyra then chooses her thirteen girls. I really don't like ragging on other women, but damn, these bitches are not cute. There's one in particular, Anchal. I put a picture above this. Now, she's not horrible, she's not, but she is not cute either. She does take a good picture, so in person, or at least on TV she's much uglier. Good for her for workin' it though. Ick.

Monique.

When the girls get to the house, the claws come out, big time. Now, it seemed like Eugena would be the bitch of the house. She told us earlier how she liked talking about people behind their back. Yeah, I'm gonna like her. And what I find a little eerie is she looks a lot like Eugenia from Days of Our Lives. Bizarre. Anyway, turns out, she's not the bitch. Monique's the bitch. She seemed really nice during the interviews, something about all her sisters are light skinned and she was always the dark/ugly one. I felt sorry for her, until they got to the house. Apparently, getting 13 women together in one house isn't drama enough for the producers. They took a page from Flavor of Love and didn't put enough beds in the house. This is just messed up, truly. Everyone had a bed but Monique and one other girl. While the other girls left the room, Monique took it upon herself to take Eugena's things off her bed, and then pour water on it. When Eugena walked back in, Monique claimed the bed, saying she peed in it to keep it. Ewe. I was hoping the bitchiness came out, but Eugena fought for a second, but then conceded. What the hell? I want a cat fight. And then later, when the girls were talking about sharing the house, Monique said she couldn't deviate in her routine, and take less then an hour to shower. What a bitch. I'm sorry, I don't like calling girls out like that, but she really is. None of the girls like her. See, this is why I like Flavor of Love. On that show, the girls would get pissed, yell, Flav would come in, review the tape, and give the bed back to Eugena. Not here, Tyra and her crew don't care what happens in the house. That annoys me.

During the challenge, the girls have to make a seemingly male outfit into a female one. Melrose, yes, that's a girl, wins the challenge. The prize is a being treated like a diva during her photo shoot. The photo shoot, always themed around actual Tyra photo shoots, Jay tells us will be the most controversial. Each girl will represent a stereotype of what a supermodel is. A diva, a black woman made to look white, a bulimic, an anorexic, blah blah blah. It's interesting, but the girls are boring. Some of them really hit the mark though. There is a set of twins, Michelle and Amanda, who I'm sure Tyra will change drastically come make-over time. One can't walk at all in high heels, they're both very average looking, but damn they can model pretty well. It's the first real shoot, so we'll see how they do, but I liked them.

Melrose was treated to a nice massage during the waiting around, and she had an assistant. Unfortunately, it seemed all of that went to her head because when it was her turn, she was nowhere to be found. Actually, they found her and she was nit-picking her make-up. Apparently the massage she had messed the make-up up and they had to redo it. That's what she told Jay though, who wasn't having it. He didn't like the idea of waiting 10 minutes for a diva. She wanted to cry, but that would have messed the make-up more and so she sucked at her shoot.

Michelle

When it was time for elimination, most of the girls had pretty bad photos. I mean they looked okay, but nothing like they were supposed to. The girls don't know their angles yet, or the idea of lighting, virtually nothing. The twins did a good job. Tyra really needs to get out of ugly Anchal's ass too. It came down to Melrose because of her awful picture and attitude at the shoot, and Christian, who they thought was just boring. It was Christian who got kicked out. I wasn't sad, but I did think Melrose deserved another change, enough though she's a little long in the tooth.

DANIELLE WINS!

Last week we were treated to the season finale of America's Next Top Model. As you probably know, Danielle won it all. After thirteen or so weeks of trying to find the best up and comming model in America I think the judges got it right. Finally. Not that I don't like the past winners, Nicole and Naima are the only ones I watched before this and who doesn't know Adrienne from the first one. They were fine, although the second Naima found out she won her head grew about fifteen times its normal size. Seriously, normal sized head before her image flashed on the screen, ginormous head the second it did, yelling, "I won! I'm so happy" and then telling us in her download that she knew she was going to win, blah blah. Not very humble.

What a dumb ho

The last episode of the show had three girls vying to be ANTM. Joanie, Danielle, and Jade. Yes, I did say Jade. And do you think the weeks of the judges telling her in their own words what a stuck up bitch she was changed her? No, not only did it not change her, I think it made her more of a stuck up bitch. She was completely oblivious to the fact that maybe these judges know a thing or two about modeling. Yeah, I make fun of Tyra and her big forehead talking about modeling, but the bitch knows what she's talking about. So thank my lucky stars was I happy when she was the last person voted out. She still didn't get it, doing some weird poetry as she was leaving. I hope she watches this back and realizes what a skank bitch she is. Probably not, she'll probably think something's wrong with the 129797 people on the show who couldn't stand her.

So the last half of the show was just Joanie and Danielle. I like Joanie, she seems like a down to Earth girl. She's pretty and takes great pictures. The only thing that was wrong with her was that damn tooth they removed a few episodes ago that had her looking all snaggle toothed. After they removed it she still wasn't comfortable smiling. And who would be after twenty odd years of having a troll mouth.

The judges tell the girls that the only thing wrong with Danielle is her accent. This season the judges have been particularly harsh on the girls. They made fun of Danielle's gap which in reality really wasn't that bad. Nothing like the mole that needs to be gnawed off of Cindy Crawford's face. Granted, when they made fun of Leslie's duck walk that was justified because it was so unattractive. And Joanie's tooth. Anyway, the way they made fun of Danielle's accent was really unfair. Give her a speaking coach and she'd have that accent licked in no time. If you just tell her, "don't talk like this, talk like this", who would understand that. Especially if they don't know they have an accent to begin with.

It all came down to the final runway show in Thailand. It was a long ass runway over water, but not in water like two years ago. The girls were dressed in some weird ass Asian duck suits that I didn't get. Danielle worked it out. She even gave Nigel a little wink when she passed them. But hey, who wouldn't wink at his hot ass? Joanie was okay, but she spent a lot of time looking down at the ground, which were covered in rose pedals, making it a bit slick. Danielle slid a few times but kept working it. In Tyra's words she was FIERCE. That's what won her the competition. And the fact that she's six feet tall and drop dead gorgeous didn't hurt either.

In the end I'm extremely happy Danielle won. She was the prettiest, seemed to be the nicest, and even after she was hospitalized with exhaustion and dehydration, she worked it out with a beautiful shot on top of an elephant. That's a model. Good luck Danielle.

NEVER RAT OUT YOUR BITCHES

That's definitely my motto. I never rat out my bitches. I rat out my hos, but never my bitches. We were treated to Janice Dickenson time, and by that I mean a crazy old lady running around with pumped up lips and fake boobs pretending she's young and intelligent. We were treated to Janice a few weeks ago in the first episode, but nothing will ever compare to Janice at her finest, on the Surreal Life, claiming she doesn't drink and straddling Jose Canseco at a strip club with a thong (damn I wish I had a picture).

"Not yet, but I will be if you keep hounding me"

Anyway, back at the house, Gina's still feeling down about herself because Kari's the one who got kicked off instead of her. I'm with you girl, it should have been your ugly ass, but it wasn't. Suck it up. Things aren't helped by Jade and her skanky ass. Nnenna on the other hand is on the phone with her boyfriend who obviously has trust issues. He wants to know if she's met anyone while she's been on the show. Does he watch the show? It's girls cooped up in a house for however long. Yeah, I guess she could hook up with one of the camera guys, but that's highly unlikely. Insecure is the first word that comes to mind. And I understand why because they show us his picture.

The next day the girls head to the studio and meet up with Janice and her crazy ass. Actually, it's not just her crazy ass there, it's crazy Lisa from last season that liked getting drunk and talking to trees. Anyway, Janice and Lisa are there to give the girls some posing tips. Well, it's Janice giving us the tips and Lisa just looking awkward and out of place. She's telling us the difference between a commercial shoot and an editorial shoot. In basic terms, the editorial is serious and the commercial is fun. Like a Versace ad versus a Sears ad. Janice tries to give some advice, which means she tells the girls what's wrong with them and makes them want to cry. She doesn't like the fact that Brooke came to this looking like she just rolled out of bed. I have to agree with her there. Janice also mentions how Gina should really get more self confidence. To give her some, she makes the poor girl hop around on one foot. I don't know what that was supposed to do but Jade thinks it's funny. After a few minutes of wondering who Janice plastic surgeon is and wanting to find him so I can kick his teeth out, they all decide to go to dinner.

"That bitch right there"

Janice joins them and all the girls sit around and talk. Jade thinks she and Janice are best friends now because they sit next to each other. They do have a lot in common, like being ugly bitches. Janice calls Gina over and sits her on her lap. She wants to know who in the house is giving her trouble. At first Gina doesn't say anything but after staring into the collagen lips she's mesmerized and blurts out that Jade's been causing her some problems. Jade looks confused, I mean, why would Gina call her out like that, besides her being a crazy ho. Janice pushes Gina off and tells her that the sacred rule of modeling is never ratting out your bitches. I thought it was "coke is good" but I guess not. When they're driving home Gina cries to the girls in her car about why Janice would be such a bitch and why Jade doesn't like her. Later, when they get home, Jade is on Gina's bed and Gina flips out. I mean, flips out like starts making my ears bleed with her nasal voice, telling Jade that she's done with her. She says other stuff but the dogs next door started barking and howling and I couldn't hear over them.

The next day is a photo shoot. It's hosted by some male model I didn't recognize but is hot for an older guy. The girls have four different set ups. In each one they have to look commercial. It's set up like each season and each girl has to change into outfits fast, run to each set up and then change again until they're done. Surprisingly, even though Jade laughs at Gina the whole time, the model says that Gina has potential. At first the model and photographer think Nnenna is a little stiff, but once the shoot starts and her pictures look so great, they realize that she's just focused. Again she wins the challenge. The prize is all of the outfits the girls were wearing that day. Ewe, I hope she doesn't get Jade's hand me down.

Unfortunately, when Nnenna gets home her good mood is dashed when she talks to her not so cute boyfriend. He's being possessive and jealous, all the things that keep a good relationship alive. She doesn't want to be distracted and when he keeps yammering on about it, she hangs up on him. Thankfully.

Gorgeous!

The next morning the girls get to meet Tyra in her 9x9 dressing room on the Tyra show. They don't get to see the show, or even watch from the green room. They just meet up with her and she asks them what they want to do when they finish their modeling career. Some sooner then others. Tyra's really into this since she always wanted to be a talk show host. Too bad she sucks.
At the photo shoot we understand why Tyra was asking all of these questions. Jay Manuel tells them that they'll be doing an edgy editorial that displays what they're career goals are after modeling. Luckily, they'll be doing it with male models. Holy hotness. All the girls are happy, especially Danielle who remarks that they've been cooped up in the house too long with all the nagging, PMSing and fighting. Then she thanks Jesus. I love this girl. They all have aspirations, and you know what, I don't want to bore you with them. Let's just note though that Jade wants to be a Kindergarten teacher. Holy sh*t! I hope that never happens because those kids will be messed up. As more proof of how much I like Danielle, her aspiration is to be a singer, even though she can't carry a tune.

Do you think this is the best angle to catch the light?

The best comes from Nnenna. Since she already has a degree in chemistry, she wants to use that to become a drug researcher in Africa. Her man is hot. She thinks he's hot. They start the shoot and get really close. And when I say really close, they end up kissing at the end. But that's not the best part, the best part is he becomes, ahem, aroused, and has to run off to let the blood drain back out. Yikes. That night she calls her boyfriend and he's able to get out of her what exactly happens. He's pissed and hangs up on her. What a tool.

Work that hat, girl

They get their Tyra mail and it's off to elimination. Once there Tyra gives her same tired ass speech about what the girl who wins gets. Basically a bunch of nothing. For the challenge at elimination, the girls have to give the judges three commercial poses. Gina is just awful. Why is she there again? Oh right, high cheekbones. The girls are then given a firefighter's uniform and have to pose to look editorial. Danielle works it out. Again, Gina is just sad.

Damn this bitch is ugly

Again, I don't want to bore you with the girls evaluations, but it's basically this, Danielle was great, Furonda and Joanie surprised them and Gina sucked. Nothing exciting happens in deliberation except they talk about how much Gina sucks and Miss J actually thinks Nnenna is boring now. She's just jealous. I'm not going to beat around the bush, they kick Gina off, and thank the Lords of Kobol for that. I'm sick of her nasally whining. When she hugs all the girls at the end even Jade gives her a fake hug. Hopefully that bitch is next.

WALK THIS WAY

Holy sh*t this is scary


Ouch. That's what I was thinking during the end of this show. Bitches can't walk was the other thing I was thinking. This episode was all about walking, easy, right? No, it's not, and the women needed Miss J to show them. If you need a man to teach you how to walk then things just aren't right. But I love Miss J and her honesty, so I'm excited to see some bitches fall.

I know models don't always look pretty without make-up but damn Gina

First though, after elimination and Wendy's exit, everyone's not surprised to see Jade in the bottom two. I'm not either, especially because she's an ugly bitch. This does give her somewhat of a wakeup call that maybe she should get on top of her game and really try to work the next challenges. Here's hopin' she falls. Ha, I'm evil. Gina, who feels extremely vulnerable, and she should because she sucks, gets advice from Danielle. Then she starts following her around the house like a little dog. I know the girl is hurt and with Jade's constant annoyances, needs her mommy, but there's really no reason to follow Danielle around like a Chow Chow.

So the girls finally get to show Miss J how they walk. Personally, I like the tried and true method, one foot after the other, but some girls can't even do that. Most of them walk like they're going to the bank, and some of them try to put a flare on it and just looks dumb. The challenge is made a bit harder, when the girls have to wear clothes. Can you believe that, trying to trip them up aren't you Tyra? Making them where clothes when they walk down the runway. What the hell? Granted, some of them are crazy shapes and flowing, and because of this nasty trick by Tyra, some of the girls do stumble, like Kari, the Fembot, who doesn't just trip once, but twice. The best though is Danielle, who I really like because she's not fake, and she takes great pictures. Anyway, she has on a dress that splits up both sides, which looks like it would be hard to walk in anyway. Well it is, she steps on part of it and nearly falls off the runway. I love the girl, but this was hilarious.

That night at the house most girls are bummed they did so awful walking in front of Miss J. Danielle talks a little about her mother, who has arthritis and she takes care of. Kari calls her family and tells them how hard it is being on television, living in a house with pools and jacuzzis and hanging out with Jay Manual, Miss J and Tyra Banks. I feel for her. Really, I do. Later, they get Tyra Mail which just has some long ass word that I don't remember. Onomatopoeia, something like that. Being models, the girls decide that this means they're going to Spain. Good guess, but no. Furonda says something funny and I remember she's there.

U-G-L-Y

The next day they go to Smashbox Studios and meet some fashion designer guy who I don't know. Not that I know many, my fashion knowledge is limited to Valentino and one or two others. I know the reason I don't recognize this designer, because the clothes are ugly. Who would wear this crap? They look like prostitutes from 1800s England. Oh and we find out what that word was the girls were trying to guess the night before. It means big ass cockroach in Lithuanian. For some unknown reason each girl has to walk down the runway with a cockroach on a leash. This makes absolutely no sense to me, but hey, in the fashion world, nothing makes too much sense.

Most of the girls hate the idea of walking down the runway with this nasty ass cockroach, but they gut it out. All except Gina. She freaks the hell out. It doesn't help that Jade's playing like she's the baddest bitch and loves the damn cockroach, I wonder why. She even goes up to Gina and tries to make her kiss it. She's such a bully. The designer has to literally push Gina onto the runway. Not sure if that's the best impression to leave on someone. In the end it's Jade who wins because she kissed the damn cockroach. Why am I not surprised? The reward is being able to take four people to a fashion show and get VIP treatment. She chooses Nnenna, Mollie Sue, Danielle and Leslie to go with her and they get front row at some no name's fashion show. Whoopi.

Thay night Jade calls everyone in the free world to tell them how great she's doing. She tells her father that her confidence is being confused with arrogance. I don't think there's any confusion. On the other end of the house Gina is whining about how poorly she did. Does she have some sort of deviated septum or something? Her voice is all through her nose.

Gorgeous!

When they get to the studio the next day, Jay Manuel tells them that all good models need to know how to fall gracefully. You know, since most models show up drunk to work and fall down so often. Each girl will dress up like a fairytale and will be falling onto a pillow top bed of some sort. Because like all good fairytales, the woman has to fall and be rescued. Sorry, Women's Studies 101 rears its ugly head. It's a fairly simple task, although falling onto pillows and having my picture taken does seem like a hard life. Danielle does really well, as does Jade (damnit!). Gina of course sucks, and surprisingly, so does Fembot. Everyone think it's a shoe in that Gina's going home because she's so stupid and doesn't take great pictures. Oh and she trips on the runway and has to be pushed onto it by the designer.

Ouch!

At elimination they give the girls the worst challenge I've ever seen. Apparently there's some sadomasochistic designer that makes women walk in unbelievably high stiletto heels. This bitch should be shot. It's not fun or attractive to have women walk around looking like they're going to break their ankles. It's painful to watch. Tyra has the girls walk the runway in these and most of them all and look like they're breaking their ankles. The only person I like watching is Jade. I love to watch that bitch trip. Molly Sue works it though and doesn't trip once. The worst though is Danielle, poor girl. She holds herself together though and when she falls on her way out, ends up crawling out of the room. They have to carry her back to the green room where presumably a doctor looks at her toe, which is probably broken. She comes back to evaluation on crutches.

They start evaluating the girls and really like Jade, damnit. Miss J calls Leslie's walk Buffalo-esque. Haha, that's so true, it's gross. Even though Danielle fell, the judges are impressed that she did so with such grace. And her picture is gorgeous. When it's Gina's turn they're completely disappointed in her. The only good thing about her they say are her cheekbones. They're impressed with Molly Sue's walking, but not as much with her picture. Tyra thinks she still needs to come out of her shell and stop holding back. Kari starts crying when they get to her because she feels she did the worst when walking. When it comes down to the final two it's Kari and Gina. I mean, obvious choice right. Yeah Kari looks like a blow up doll Fembot, but she's gorgeous compared to Gina. So what that she tripped, she took a decent picture. But sadly, it's Kari that leaves us. What the hell are these people thinking keeping Gina around? I guess she creates drama in the house but I can't stand looking at her.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP BEST FRIEND

Do you remember Austin Power's Fembots?


I understand different being beautiful, but truthfully, sometimes different is just ugly. Especially if you have an attitude problem, like Jade. The one thing this egotist doesn't need is a show telling her how pretty she is. Luckily, on the last panel, Nigel brought her big ass head out of the clouds and told her she was arrogant. Once back in the house after judging, she's hurt and annoyed that Nigel would think she's arrogant. I mean really, it's not arrogant to think everyone around you is jealous and stares at you when you walk by them in the street because you're so amazingly beautiful. Gina, and most of the girls I suspect, think it was great Jade got a bit of her own medicine. Furonda correctly points out that Jade's the type of person who finds someone weaker than herself (Gina) and kicks them while they're down to make herself feel better.

What's sad is he looks better than most of the girls

The next day the girls finally get their makeover. Kari, will get big, blonde Brigitte Bardot locks, even though they should have done something to straighten that out, like a flat iron or something. She's like the shaggy dog. Leslie will get thicker, longer hair. Sara will get a platinum blonde faux-hawk thing that actually looks really good. She's not happy with it though. Danielle will have a long, wavy weave, which again, doesn't realy look that different. Brooke will get a Gisele Bundchen do, because now she has her own hair cut I guess. Joannie will go icy blonde, whatever the hell that means. Nnenna will get all her hair buzzed off since she doesn't have much hair to begin with and she really worked that bald cap from last week's episode. Furonda will get a long, straight weave parted down the middle which makes her look a lot less like my Uncle Tyrone, finally. Wendy's hair will be lightened. Gina will get some angular layers which do nothing for her and look exactly like her hair was before, just washed and blown dry. Mollie Sue will get the Mia Farrow cut Tyra wanted Cassandra to get last time and she punked out. Jade's hair they cut short and dye it blonde. Does nothing to makes her more attractive or not a bitch.

With each style Jay gives it a name, like, "urban sexy chic". I have no idea what they all mean, but Jay tells the girls that the next day they'll be putting together outfits that best describe their new look. They'll be treated to a real life fashion show.

"Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, I'm a dirty whore"

Of course once the makeovers are over they head back to the house Jade starts going off. She obviously gets on everyone's nerve, including mine, and if I ever see her in the street I'm gonna slap her across her high cheekbones. She's complaining that all high fashion models have long hair and why didn't they give her long hair. The girls all just want to shut her up, and I'm hoping one of them does. Jade's jealous of Furonda's new weave and disgusted that she keeps touching it and looking at herself with it. Shut up bitch, you know you'd be doing the same damn thing. Once at the house though things get bizarre. Furonda prints out a list of "rules" and hands them out to all of the ladies.

1. I will treat you in a way identical to, or worse than, the way you treat me.
2. I am the best person to discuss me with.
3. If you need anything other than emergency items, please do not ask me.
4. Stay out of my personal business unless I invite you in.

Wow, maybe I misjudged Furonda, maybe she's ugly and a bitch. The girls aren't too impressed and think she's acting like a Diva. The only way you can be a Diva is if you have stuff to back it up. In my opinion no one, and trust me, no one, in that house could ever be a Diva with the exception of Jay Manuel.

Damn that bitch is tall

At the fashion show the next day some fashion I wouldn't dress my worst enemy in walk down the runway and the girls pick out which outfits best describe their new looks. Jade's having a hard time because the hair's really thrown her off. Wendy of course is still distracted by her family in New Orleans. We do learn that she finally heard from them and they're alright. Luckily we're treated to some Cover Girl Queen Latifa face time. Naima from one of the past seaons is there with the girls and tells them the winner of this challenge will get a $5,000 shopping spree. Guess who wins? Yes, Nnenna. She looks beautiful and truly got what Jay was telling her about her "look". She chooses Gina and Jade to go with her on the spree and at first all of my confidence in Nnenna slips. That's until they interviewed her and she admitted that she only chose them because they weren't getting along and hoped this trip would help them become friends. Love her! Of course it didn't because Jade's a dumb bitch and Gina is completely clueless.

Nnenna is just STUNNING!

That night there's a little tension in the house. Poor Wendy's finally able to speak to her family and Jade decides to put on a hoodie and cause some trouble. Okay, hoodies only work for Jack Bauer, ho. She claims she hasn't been able to use the phone and wants Wendy off. Yeah, I mean come on, her parents are alive, why do they need to talk? All the girls think it's quite comical how ridiculous she's acting. She says she's not there to be friends, and that this isn't "American Next Top Best Friend". Although that would be a kick ass show. With dogs.

Who knew this plain Jane could be so HOT

The next challenge has to do with Ice, and since Jade's a frosty bitch I'm afraid she's going to do really well. They arrive at an ice company, I didn't know they had those, and are told they'll be posing in a little ice room with barely anything on. The torture of it all has me tuning in every week. Most of the girls have a hard time pulling this one off because they're sitting on blocks of ice in their underwear.

Ha-ha!

At the final evaluation we get to see the pictures and most of them aren't too great. Gina's doesn't look bad, for an ugly girl, and Furonda really stepped it up from last week when she was in the bottom two. Lastly is Jade, who starts to complain about the girls in the house. Nigel reminds her not to bring her baggage to judging. Then she starts complaining that the reason her picture didn't look good is because her eye make-up didn't look good. Yeah, if only it was the eye make-up, if only. Nigel tells her to shut her ugly pie hole and stop making excuses. When the judges talk privately about the girls, they point out Joannie's bad teeth and good Holy God. I didn't realize you could have such a messed up grill and still be a model. When the girls come back in we learn that Jade and Wendy are in the bottom too. They tell Wendy she doesn't take great picture and Jade that she's an annoying bitch. Since it's all about pictures Wendy gets kicked off. I'm not surprised but I wanted Jade to get her comeuppance.

TYRA MAIL!!

It feels like just yesterday we were treated to women behaving badly but hence, we’re back for another ‘cycle’ of America’s Next Top Model. For those of you not in the industry, ‘cycle’ refers to the shows menstrual state. I won’t bore you with the beginning half of the show. At least the beginning two thirds. Unlike Idol, we’re not treated to loads and loads of hopefuls who think they’re the prettiest girls in the world, although that would have been awesome. We meet the final 32 and there are some real dogs amongst them. I guess they’ll have to do. There’s one girl who if I ever find I’m gonna beat over her head. She’s a racist homophobe who I won’t spend anymore time talking about. I will say that the other girls don’t want to have anything to do with her and hope she’s not going to be in the house with them. Tyra and the Jays wonder how she’ll do in a business that’s full of blacks and gays. She doesn’t really answer and I think she just wanted to get on TV.

During the first hour we meet some of the girls who are bound to make it into the house. Jade, a multi-racial woman who’s okay looking, but at 28 is a little long in the tooth. Of course if you asked her she’d say she was God’s gift and didn’t know why some agency hadn’t picked her up. She should be fun.

Sarah, who looks surprisingly similar to the sorta gay Sarah from last season, was spotted in a shopping mall and asked to audition for the show. Furonda is straight out of the deep south and while that racist bitch runs her mouth she almost hits her. I like her already. A girl named Kari’s also there. She has big hair and big lips and seems like a nice girl. Wendy, from Louisiana gets the sympathy vote since her family was devastated by Hurricane Katrina. She tells the story of the last she heard from her father he was in a car filling with water. Did he call from a cell phone? She tells Tyra that was the last time she spoke to him. She’s pretty but she has no bottom eye lashes.

Something about this picture disturbs me

Gina, the token Asian, interviews with the group and makes a fool out of herself. She insists she’s a strong Asian woman but then talks about not dating Asian men. What? She’s a bit confused and something tells me this competition won’t do anything for her. She’s pretty, but she isn’t Top Model material in my opinion. Leslie shows the judges her tattoo inspired by Angelina Jolie, something about killing people makes you stronger. I don’t know.

Beautiful, just beautiful

Nnenna is my favorite I think. She tells the judges the story of why she has an African accent. Apparently, she was born in Nigeria. She had all sisters and since her father wanted a boy, forced her mother to have another baby, which turned out to be a girl. Unfortunately, her mother died a few days after giving birth and Nnenna and her sister were shipped off to America. She’s now a chemist, living in America.

The top twenty are announced and much to my dismay, that racist bitch is one of them. The girls are told they must do their own make up in ten minutes and prepare for their first photo shoot, a beauty shot. They quickly get ready and do the shoot. When the judges look at their pictures they’re stunned at some of them and happy about others. They narrow the field to 13 and the racist girl is kicked off.

Their first challenge involves the self proclaimed “first supermodel”, Janice Dickinson. Jade thinks she said “oldest supermodel” and I chuckle because the bitch is old. Janice makes an appearance and gives them some advice. She says they need to stand out in a crowd. She then tells them that the challenge will be a press conference. Some no name people are there to ask the girls questions. Jade takes the whole 'make your presence known' thing a little too far. She’s just rude and Janice calls her out on it. Gina makes a fool of herself again when she's asked a question and can't answer it. Nnenna pulls through though and makes a good impression. After the press conference Gina's feeling a bit embarrassed and Jade doesn't help things by confronting her about her heritage and why she thinks she fraked up. One of the girls rightly points out that Jade just wants to make her feel bad to make herself feel good. Luckily, Jade doesn't win the challenge, Nnenna does. She's able to go to the house early with three other girls, and pick their rooms. Only looks like she has about a thirty second head start, but that’s enough to find good rooms.

When the rest of the girls finally see their house, they're surprised at the amazing digs. The house IS sweet. They run around and pick their rooms, which have been made out to match particular supermodels. That night they all go out to eat and Gina decides to wallow her sorrows in some wine. And some more wine. And a little more, until she's fall down drunk. That night the girls hop into the hot tub and decide to go topless. The girls start daring each other for money to run around the pool naked. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, it's all girls, but the viewer has to remember the crew that's not only there, live, but the ones who are gonna see it later when they watch the tapes and then show it to other people in the office. Jade tries to play cool, like she'll do it but when push comes to shove she backs out. The girls realize she's all talk and even though she pretends to have all of this confidence, it's just a show.

Some of them worked...

And some of them didn't

The next day, Jay meets up with the girls at the salon and they’re excited to get their makeovers. Jay tells them all that they’re going bald. The girls are mostly apprehensive until Jay says they’re going to fake it with bald caps. Haha, this'll be great. Sh**, then he tells us it was a joke, they're just going to wear bald caps and head to the studio. Their pictures are with manequins and they have to blend it with them. It sorta freaks me out. Most of the girls are really nervous and Jay calls them on it during the shoot. Some of them, who we thought would be fierce, like, Furonda, who was practicing in mirror, are just awful. Nnenna again rocks it out and everyone's impressed.

The evaluations begin and most of the pictures look surprisingly good seeing that it's the first photo shoot. The two worst are Furonda and Kathy. Kathy's ugly. And quite frankly, so is Furonda. I guess models don't have to be pretty. In the end it's Kathy that gets kicked out and I can't say I'm too upset, although I'd like Jade gone, she's a bitch.