I'M IMPRESSED (and it takes a lot)

The last episode of Desperate Housewives, rocked! It's really me, I promise. After months (years?) of ragging on this show, last night pulled it out. I think what did it for me was no one was a caricature of the person I grew to love the first season, they were true to themselves. Susan was crazy, but she had decent reasons, and she wasn't too over the top. Edie was a manipulative bitch, but that's really why we fell in love with her. It's not an episode of DH if I don't want to kick Edie in the crotch. Bree was extra crazy homemaker, but her storyline was actually enjoyable. Lynette was in your face, but not horribly manipulative like she has been recently and Gabby, well Gabby (Eva Longoria) stole the night for me. Eva's performance warmed my cold bitchy heart for the first time ever for her. Brava, Ms. Longoria. Brava. Also, I apologize for the lack of pictures for this show, I just can't find any decent ones.

The show begins with Mary Alice telling us about how there was a spree of mischief down the street. I don't remember the exact term and that's the best I could come up with. Katherine (Dana Delaney) has some sheets that are trampled, and I think it's Mrs. McClusky's grill that's toppled over. And one of Lynette's twin's skateboard is gone. Then we see how all this happens and it's the best opening for this show yet.

Carlos trying to hide. Hahahaha.

Carlos and Gabby are doing the horizontal mambo at her house (why she's still there I'm not sure) and Edie shows up. Carlos hides and Edie wonders if Gabby's seen him, since he said he was going out for a run. Gabby says she hasn't seen him and Edie starts to walk in. Gabby stops her and says she just saw Carlos go into the house. Satisfied, Edie leaves, but Carlos is pissed since he's obviously not in two places at once. He has to high tail it back across and down the street to Edie's before she gets back. Gabby stops Edie while Carlos makes his getaway, running through the back yards of Mrs. McClusky, knocking her grill over and Katherine, running through her hanging laundry and trampling it. Carlos falls to the ground, avoiding Edie and realizes he's not going to make it. He sees one of the twin's skateboards on the ground and while Edie's yelling at the kids to stop playing in the street, Carlos is hanging onto the back, Back to the Future style, and lets go as Edie pulls ups. When he gets to the back door he realizes he doesn't have keys and when Edie walks in you think he's going to be busted but instead he's standing inside looking at a broken window, wondering to Edie who this neighborhood vandal could be. This opening was genius, and had me laughing out loud through most of it.

Susan's story is sorta boring and I see way to much of Skeletor's tits. Seriously. I mean, I guess they're nice, for a skeleton. Victoria's Secret needs to set age limits on their lingerie. She's eating for two at breakfast, which for her is eating for one. Julie comes in and says that she wants to go to a party down the street that night. Mike thinks this is a bad idea since he's worked plumbing jobs at that house before after parties and have pulled out some crazy stuff. Susan doesn't like the sound of that and tells Julie she can't go. Later though, feeling guilty, she tells Julie to go, and that she wants Mike to feel a part of the family, but ultimately she makes the decisions. I agree with this logic, and even can see how lying about it to Mike isn't necessarily awful. I'm gonna go feed the homeless or something with all this good will I'm dishing out.

But of course, in normal Susan fashion she has to ruin it. Mike tells her, as they're about to get it on, that he's glad she sided with him about Julie, and that he drove by that house earlier and he heard loud music, saw kids getting sick outside, and even saw some girls running around topless. Yeah, way to call the cops, Mike. Susan doesn't like this and runs out under the guise of getting more whipped cream for their night of love, which she's bought a sexy negligee for. She throws some clothes over the lingerie, but when she gets to the house to find Julie, the guys immediately think she's a stripper. I can actually see that. She does find Julie, who's innocently enough drinking some orange soda. And can we talk about how the party does NOT look out of control like Mike said. Something tells me he's onto Susan's little game. Julie's pissed when Susan pulls her and Dylan out of the party and Mike busts them when they walk in the door, with Julie admitting everything. Mike's mad at first, but they make up and go upstairs to have what I can only imagine is bony sex.

Over at Chateau "nobody loves me" Edie blackmails Carlos. She keeps bringing up the fact that he has $10 million dollars and he keeps telling her to shut it since the IRS can't know about it. I don't know anything about embezzlement, or off shore accounts, but couldn't he just move his money? Who knows. She buys herself some fancy ass car and calls it his birthday present to her, but he says no go. He can't lay low with this money if she's spending seemingly beyond their means. She offers to take it back and gives a mischievous smile. Later, when he gets her a cake and wonders what she got herself from him for her birthday she proposes to him, saying that if they get married she won't be able to testify. I'm not lawyer, but I think that's a misconception that spouses can't testify against each other. He agrees though. I really hate Edie. Why does she want to be with him again?

Katherine spots the girls, minus Lynette, having some coffee and goes to join them. She says she thinks they should have a little luncheon to cheer Lynette up. They all think it's a good idea and Bree takes charge and tells everyone what the bring, and assigns herself the usual dessert. Katherine doesn't like this and wants to bring dessert herself. They have a non threatening homemaker fight and Bree wins. When the luncheon happens the girls dive in to dessert and are astonished, saying it's the best pie Bree's ever made. Katherine sits there all smug and I realize I hate her. Bree tastes it and looks at Katherine who admits it was her pie, that she switched them out. Later, Orsen (is that his name?) thinks this is despicable as Bree makes pie after pie trying to replicate the recipe.

When Bree goes over to Katherine's house, she brings over a mincemeat recipe and asks her for the pie one in exchange. Katherine refuses, and they get into another lovable argument, and Bree sees where Katherine keeps her recipes. When Katherine and Dylan go out, Bree sneaks in. Unfortunately the family comes home arguing. Dylan had been out earlier and Mrs. McClusky mentioned her father who she said had come by a bunch when she was little. Dylan confronts her mother, as Bree listens from the kitchen, and says that she told her her father left and didn't love her. Katherine tries to deflect but we know something more is to the story when Katherine slaps Dylan, who runs upstairs. Bree overhears Katherine and Adam talking about how Dylan can never know or something evil like that, and Bree slips out, without the recipe but with the realization that strange things are afoot.

Lynette's going through chemo and Tom (who's lost some weight and sexiness) starts getting her all depressed, so she kicks him out. When she's at the little get together Katherine arrange she mentions this and all the girls volunteer to meet her up there. Everyone accept Gabby, who avoids the topic. Because this is Lynette, when the two are alone Lynette wonders what's up, and thinks this is a measure of their friendship. Gabby finally agrees, but when she's at the hospital she keeps leaving the room and Lynette, being Lynette, calls her out on it. In the best scene Eva Longoria has EVER had, she tells Lynette about her father dying of cancer in the hospital, and how her mother always made her have on a brave face, but she doesn't think she can do that with her because she's afraid of losing her. I'm tellin' you folks, it was great.

The show ends with all the girls in the room with Lynette, at a chemo party Gabby has arranged and Bree checking out Katherine and her fake ass smile. Meanwhile, Carlos is meeting with who we can assume is a contract killer, giving him money telling him to take care of Edie. Can this bitch finally get her comeuppance?

This was hands down the best episode since the very beginning of last season or the end of the season before. Nothing too outrageous and just enough intrigue that it didn't feel far fetched or over the top. Let's hope next week is just as good.

DESPERATELY DESPERATE AND DUMB

So, I gave up on Desperate Housewives last year and then I accidently caught the season finale, and how great was that? Edie hung herself, Susan and Mike got married, Gabby got married and then seemingly cheated on her new husband with Carlos on the same day, Bree was pretending to be pregnant because her slutty daughter was knocked up by Edie's nephew, and Lynette got cancer. Whew, a lot going on in one show. So I committed myself to it again. I thought I may have been too hard on it. I thought maybe the writers finally turned the corner and Susan would stop being all weird, especially about Mike, that Edie would stop being such a horrible bitch (because she was hopefully dead), Lynette would stop being so selfish and and Carlos and Gabby would be back together.

Imagine my surprise when the season premiered last night and NONE of that happened. Now I'm not saying that characters should change who they are, but at some point, you can't keep having Susan be a ditzy dumb ass. I mean, sometimes it's fun, and cute, but when she's whining to her husband, MIKE, of one month about him not being happy and she thinks she's going through menopause and freaks out some more, I just don't know if I can take it. Sometimes this plays out in a cute way, like on The Closer when Brenda thought she was going through menopause. Acted out and written in a fun, cute way to make us not HATE Brenda.

So we start off the show where we left off, with Edie about to dangle from the rafters. Mary Alice tells us how Edie has this all planned, and as Edie pushes herself off the chair, we see that she has amazing upper body strength and is actually holding herself up, with the noose tied, ready for when Carlos to come home. In fact, this is all a plan by Edie to keep Carlos around. So Carlos finally comes home and as he's walking up the stairs, she lets go. Now, I don't know if this is the same with hanging yourself with a silk scarf, but everyone knows that when a convict dies from hanging, it's his broken neck that does him in, not the lack of air. I guess nobody told this to the writers. Unfortunately (fortunately) Carlos gets stopped before he can make it upstairs and Edie freaks out for a few minutes until Carlos finally realizes she's up there and dying. He saves her and Mary Alice tells us that if he would have known what she'd do, he'd have let her hang. Oh, so Edie's going to try and manipulate someone through their emotions to get what she wants. That's new.

The girls, minus Gabby, show up at the hospital in what I guess is support for Edie, even though no one really likes her. They think about Gabby and wonder if they should call her, since it is her wedding night, and Carlos runs off to do just that. Gabby's dressed with Victor banging on the door asking her to come out and consummate their relationship and she's waiting for Carlos, who had promised that they'd run off together. Oh yeah, at the end of last season she overheard Victor and his father talking about Gabby and how she's great for the Latino vote and how she'll make a good trophy wife. Luckily Gabby didn't confront him with her feelings and plans to run away with Carlos but he's decided he'd stay with Edie since she obviously needs him. Gag me. No pun intended.

We then flash to a month later, Bree's as big as a house and Susan's as annoying as ever, trying to chide Mike into divorcing her by whining about him not being happy. I know what would make him happy, you shutting the frak up. He tries to convince her that he is happy and I remember just how damn cute Mike is.

Not everyone over at Bree's is happy she's still pretending to be pregnant. Andrew points out that this isn't the 50s anymore and Bree says that he's right, but Danielle's reputation is already messed up and having a baby will send it completely down the drain. True dat.

Suddenly, new neighbors arrive and Susan's happy it's her old friend Catherine, played by the wonderful Dana Delaney. I was doing my hair while this part was on, so I'm not exactly sure what her deal is, but I thinks he used to live on Wisteria Lane, although Susan seems to be the only one who remembers her. Catherine has a new hot husband, Adam, who's played by Firefly hottie, Nathan Fillion. She also has a daughter, Dylan, who doesn't seem to remember living on Wisteria Lane or being best friends with Julie. This theme runs through the episode, and it starts to piss me off because if this girl isn't really this woman's daughter, you'd think Catherine would brief her on who these people were, what she should say or not say, and I would be pissed at my mom for not warning me that all these people are going to know me. At first I thought maybe she has amnesia or something, but it seems something more sinister is going on. Big surprise, someone on Wisteria Lane is lying about her child being hers. Real original writers.

Lynette's not doing too well and is wearing a wig. At one of her kid's plays she's accosted by a bitchy mom who reads her the riot act for not volunteering at the school. Lynette's mother tries to convince her to "come out" and tell people about the cancer, but she just won't, she doesn't want to be the victim. So instead, at the end of the play she barfs in a purse she think is her mother's, but it turns out to be the bitchy mom's. Hijinx ensue!

Susan decides to head to the gyno because she's having irregular periods. Can this show please grow a pair. I mean, I'm a woman and even I'm tired of all the lady vajayjay problems on here. Her normal doctor isn't in so the new doctor is going to examine her. It's none other then Adam, her old friend's husband. Wow, this is awkward, especially when he puts his head between her legs and keeps telling her to relax. Things I don't want to think about, in random order: 1. Nathan Fillions face between Teri Hatcher's legs 2. Teri Hatcher's legs 3. Susan's tight vajayjay 4. Vajayjay. He tells her that he thinks she may be going through menopause, which of course leads to a paranoid tantrum of growing old. Bitch, have you looked in the mirror?

Catherine decides to have a party to welcome herself to the neighborhood and has a conversation with Mrs. McCluskey who luckily tells us, the audience, in an awkward confrontation that Catherine left in a hurry, just packed up one night and got out of there. Seems to be a theme. Catherine just plays it off as nothing, but we know there's something there. Edie comes back after spending a month (????) in a clinic for trying to hang herself and Carlos is attentive. When the ladies talk to Edie she tells them about her neck hurtng. It's been a month, right? She also thanks them for the welcome home party. I really hate this bitch. She tells them that she and Carlos have been talking about marriage which sends Gabby off to confront him. She thought they were getting back together. I think not hearing from him for month would have been a clue. They make out a bit, but he tells her they can't be together yet because Edie's still fragile and he's still delusional that everything that comes out of this ho's mouth is the truth. Gabby's pissed and runs off.

Bree and Orson are talking and in the middle of their conversation, something completely unpredictable happens at the bbq, Bree gets stabbed in the stomach with a bbq fork. Who would have thought? Oh yeah, me four minutes before. One of the neighbors, who's name I don't remember, old loud lady, sees this and freaks out. They try to calm her down but she brings Adam over and he wants to examine Bree. She and Orson pretend it was a joke and run off. Orson then confronts her and says he can't deal with this anymore, that he wants to just tell the truth. Bree admits that it's not only Danielle's reputation she wants to protect, that she can't let Danielle raise the baby because she's an awful person, and she's to blame for that. She thinks with this baby she'll have a chance to make up for it. Orson agrees.

Look how big baby Penny has FINALLY gotten!

In the meantime, Susan's freaking out again over getting old, but finally admits to Mike what's going on and he tells her that he loves her. She thinks that not having kids with him is a deal breaker, since he wants to have them. He tells her not to worry, that although he would like to have kids, he wants to be with her. Again, he's the hotness.

Still at the bbq the bitchy mother confronts Lynette again about not taking care of some school business. Lynette finally whips off her wig and is like, "bitch I have cancer". That shuts her up, but then the girls see her without the wig and are stunned. When they all sit down Lynette explains that she didn't want her friends looking at her with pity in their eyes, but they convince her that they're there for her, which is a nice moment. Then that moment is ruined by Lynette making the women promise that they will never lie to each other again. You know, unless you're going through menopause, sleeping with your ex husband while you're married, or pretending to be pregnant so your slut ass daughter can give birth to a bastard child.

Later, as Susan is working in her house, Adam shows up and says he feels like an idiot. She isn't going through menopause after all, she's pregnant. Mike overhears and they're both very happy, and this time she believes him.

Gabby finally decides to sit down with Victor and they talk about their relationship. She says she wants to go away and try to reconnect. He thinks this is a great idea, and because, you know, he's the mayor of the town, he can't go for awhile. This frustrates Gabby because she's used to being number one.

At Carlos', i.e., Edie's, he tells her he's going over to the Scavo's. He's actually going to get it on with Gabby. He tells Edie that if she wants this relationship to work, she has to give him space. Finally. I guess it's more then we'll get for awhile. When he gets home he sleeps on the couch. Edie comes downstairs the next morning and confesses to him that she knows he has an offshore account, that has 10 million dollars in it, but say she won't say anything, since she knows he won't hurt her. Did I already say how much I hate this bitch?

Julie finally has some alone time with her old friend Dylan. Dylan tells her that she doesn't remember anything about living in the neighborhood, and that her oldest memory is of a man who comes into her room. Julie thinks this is creepy and Dylan agrees. Later, when Susan sees Julie, before she gets the chance to tell her about being pregnant, Julie tells her that she doesn't think Dylan is the girl she grew up with. Huh, you don't say.

Adam finds Catherine upstairs in their house staring out the window. Adam wonders if this is the room and Catherine says it is. She says that Dylan wants to move up there and Adam says she doesn't have the same memory of the place. Catherine agrees but says that she's never going to stay in that room. They leave and Adam locks the door behind them. Creepy.

THE HOUSEWIVES ARE HERE!

My Tivo ate the first half of the show and I'm just now getting around to seeing the whole thing. Wow, what a vast improvement from a year ago. The show is back to the show we know and love. Now, I'm not saying it won't slip and go too far and make me want to ring Skeletor's neck, but the opener was great. Funny, quirky, and not too much of any one character, something I think may have been a problem last year.

Mary Alice does a little recapping of what happened right after it ended last year. She tells us that, although it sucked for 24 episodes, we're back to where we were the end of the 1st season. She also tells us to forget about the Applewhites and any other part of last year's season that turned your stomach. Which was really most of it. So if you remember, Mike got run over before he could propose to Susan, by Orson, who he nearly called out at the dentist office for knowing him. Gabby just kicked Carlos out for doing Xiao Mei and is going through her divorce, Bree and Orson have gone out on their first date, and Lynette is trying to deal with that bitch Nora, Tom's love child's mother.

Flash now to six months later. Everything is basically the same, except Mei is now enormous and making Gabby wait on her hand and foot and calling her a bitch. Oh no, if she wasn't pregnant I would encourage Gabby to kick her ass. Maybe she can do it now, aim high. Gabby does put her in her place and tell her that she could be living with Carlos in his one bedroom apartment with no air conditioning. That shuts her up. Then Mei calls her a bitch and Gabby says that when she's done popping out the baby she's shipping her back to China or wherever. Mei's upset because Gabby promised to get her an apartment in Chinatown with her friend. Mei runs away and Gabby and Carlos try to find her. Of course when Gabby goes to Chinatown and finds Mei's friend who she's going to work for, things don't work out well and Mei's friend throws food on her. Looks kinda like sweet and sour pork. I hope she eats it, it's probably all the nutrients she'll have in a few days. Actually, that's not true, Gabby looks like she gained some weight. Good for her. Fat girls unite! Edie eventually finds Mei in the closet in Paul Young's house, which she's selling. Uh oh, she's been a wery wery bad girl.



Poor Susan. Unlike Meredith from Grey's, Susan decided eating wasn't her thing. She's devastated over what happened with Mike and goes to visit him every day. She exercises him, and shaves him and talks to him. It's very sweet. At the hospital she ends up meeting Ian, played by Dougray Scott. Talk about a handsome man. Whoa. Unfortunately they don't let him use his sexy Scottish accent, although he does have an English one. Still sexy. Damn. After seeing each other getting coffee a few times, they strike up a conversation, and a flirtation. He buys her a cheap watch because he notices she doesn't have one. He has to take most of the links out of it so it'll fit around her bone.

She brings strawberry smoothies to him in his wife's room. His poor wife's been in a coma for 3 years. While Ian is in the bathroom, he asks Susan out on a date. Crazy hijinks's ensue and Susan whips around in shock, spilling her smoothie all over his comatosed wife. Haha. That was great. Classic. She quickly covers her up before Ian comes back in and tells the nurse to clean her up as they leave. She then goes to Mike and tells him that Ian asked her out and she wants to go, but if he doesn't want her to, to wake up and tell her not to. Of course he doesn't wake up, but it's a touching moment to see how much she really wants him to wake up.

I've never wanted to hit another fictitious character as much as I want to beat Nora. Kayla, Tom's daughter is adorable and how she's not fraked up already because of her crazy mother I don't know. The Scavos are taking a Christmas card picture and Nora insists she be in it. This woman seriously needs to get on some meds. When Lynette tells her it's a family photo and she can't be in it, she tells Kayla that they're not welcomed in the family picture. Of course Kayla's welcome. Finally they say she can be in it and right before the timer goes off, she jumps into the boys laps and takes a stupid zaney picture. I don't know why they couldn't retake the picture. Lynette eventually figures out that Tom's more afraid of Nora then he is of her. I really want to feel sorry for Tom, but I don't. He needs to man up.

It's one of the boys' birthday parties and Lynette lies to Nora and says it's a quiet day. I don't blame her one bit. Unfortunately Nora calls and hears the kids playing and when Lynette hangs up she knows the bitch is rushing over. She gets all the kids, calls Gabby and leaves her a message that they're all going over into her backyard. The plan seems to be working when Nora shows up and Lynette's alone. It's working until a little boy from the party comes out of the bathroom with a birthday hat and his face painted. Nora runs out into the street and tries to find out where the party is. She sees a balloon coming from Gabby's backyard and hurries over. Lynette stops her and she starts yelling for Kayla. Tom and Kayla both come out and Nora tries to take Kayla away. Tom finally man ups, sorta, after Lynette just walks away out of frustration. Tom doesn't really tell Nora off, but he says that Kayla wants to be there and to not take her. He's still a pus, but I think now he'll be trying.

Finally, the most interesting story, I think, Bree and Orson. Mary Alice tells us about Orson's first wife. Orson's not unlike Bree, he's obsessive compulsive. He made his wife, Alma, stack the food a certain way, fold the towels a certain way, and lint roll him right before he left the house. Eventually she decided it was weird and wanted to leave. As she was leaving the house with her bags, she tripped and the cage holding her pet parakeet fell open and it flew away. As she was trying to get it Orson came back into the house because there was a piece of lint on his suit that she missed. He had driven all the way back from down the street. He could have plucked it off and thrown it out the window, but no, he went all the way back. When he caught her on the ground and figured out what she was doing, he closed the door behind him. When their nosy neighbor, played by Jackie from Rosanne (love her!) came over looking for Alma, Orson had some gloves on and was cleaning the floor. To cast more suspicious on him the bird was saying "Orson! No!". He told Jackie that Alma left him and he didn't know where she was, but you could tell she thought he looked guilty. And because Alma didn't take the bird, makes me think he may have killed her.

Flash to the Orson/Bree courtship. Eventually he asks her to marry him. She thinks it's too soon, but he says it's been the best six months and he loves her. She agrees to marry him and tells the girls about it. They're excited, until they learn Bree and Orson haven't done the deed. She says they want to get married before, and of course slutty Gabby thinks that's a load of crap. But Bree wants to stand firm and the girls support her. Later, Orson tries to get frisky but she won't allow it. That's until he's washing the dishes and washes them a second time with some sort of treatment to get the streaks off. As crazy as this sounds, this is the kinda thing that turns Bree on. She and Orson head upstairs. Where the hell is Danielle? I just realized she's nowhere to be found and they don't talk about her. Anyway, as they're about to do it, Orson wants to, uh, how do I say it? Please Bree orally. Yeah. Hey, he is a dentist. Har har. She doesn't want to do it because she's a Republican. Instead she wants to be raped by taxes. He insists and she lets him do it, and she, ah, how do I say this, enjoys it a WHOLE lot. She immediately runs out to the doctor's because she's never experienced this. The astute doctor soon realizes that Bree had an orgasm, something she'd never experienced before. Poor girl.

Bree throws a party that weekend because she finally found the big O. No, to announce their engagement. Unfortunately Jackie crashes it. She comes in and in front of everyone, asks Bree if Orson told her he killed his wife. Bree said yes, but he gave me my first orgasm so I don't care. At least that's what I would have said. But this is news to Bree, and all of their guests. Jackie warns Bree that if he could kill Alma, he could kill her. Good point. Jackie leaves and Bree goes into the kitchen. The girls try to follow but Orson goes in instead. He wants to make sure Bree believes him, that he didn't kill his wife. Bree smiles that "I have constipation smile" and says she believes him, which is not very convincing. He lets go of her hand and he's obviously been holding it tight. She continues the party but we know she's having doubts as later when she takes the trash out in pouring down rain, she doesn't even flinch, and stays out there to get extra wet.

This is a vast improvement from last year. Marc Cherry is now working on the show again, like he did the first season. And thank the holy good Lord for that because the show is finally moving in the right direction.

DESPERATELY WANTING A FINAL RECAP

Wow. It's been a long time not only since the final episode of this dumb ass show, but since I last talked about it. Hopefully this'll be an abbreviated recap, just the highlights. Luckily this show isn't good enough to go into specific detail. Even with the detail it still comes out sounding ridiculously stupid. Why do I recap it then? You may ask. I don't know, why is it fun to watch old people fall down on America's Funniest Home Video. Train wrecks are easy to watch, fun too sometimes. If you want to be reminded of what happened last recap, take a look at this... http://primetimetvblog.blogspot.com/2006/04/cookie-monster.html

When we last left Gabby, she and Lily had just bonded. I guess leaving your baby home, unattended will do that to you. As she and Carlos are taking the baby around the neighborhood, the kid's father, Dale, shows up. Remember this tool was in Daytona Beach or somewhere the kids go for spring break. He wants the baby back, because his brother, whose name I can't remember, wants to get his stripper girlfriend back. He thinks the baby will do it. Of course G&C refuse, but the guy doesn't want to give up that easy. Gabby has to go show herself at the school he's the star athlete at, and threaten to expose him at this Christian school for sleeping with a stripper and getting her pregnant. He relents, and signs the papers. Unfortunately, the stripper decides she wants to give this mommy thing a go. Even though she's already signed the papers, until it gets sorted out she'll go back to her. Whatever brainiac over at the courthouse, thinks that putting Lily with her stripper mother instead of, oh wait, Carlos is a felon, so who am I to judge. They take Lily away and Gabby flips out, sobbing as the cop literally rips her out of her arms. I've never wanted to punch a stripper like I did during that scene.

It only took an episode for Gabby to get over the whole Lily thing. She and Carlos started talking more about surrogates. Luckily for them, Xei Mei, who I'll just call Mei, was going to be deported. If you remember, her uncle sold her into slavery or something like that, so she didn't want to go back. Not sure how living with Gabby was any different. Well, if I had a choice to be a slave there or here, I'd definitely choose here. I just answered my own question. At the immigration lawyer's office, they found out that one of the ways they could keep her in America was for her to have an American baby. Cue the light bulb. They tried to explain to her what the plan was, and at first she was scared. She said that she was a virgin. She eventually understood what was happening, at least partly. On the day of the implantation, she got naked in front of Carlos, thinking they'd be doing it the old fashioned way. They laugh it off, but when Carlos goes to give up his sperm, he doesn't need any help, if you know what I mean.

So Mei is pregnant, woohoo. Carlos is acting like she's the second coming, even giving up their bed to her so she's closer to the bathroom for her morning sickness. Morning sickness the day after implantation. Did we just cross over to Days of Our Lives land? Anyway, Mei is being a bit bratty, she doesn't like Gabby's perfume, everything makes her sick, blah blah blah. Gabby's pissed, rightfully so, since it's still her baby Mei is carrying. At a tennis practice, during a break, Gabby sees on the news, and gets a call, that someone picking up litter on the side of the road, fitting Carlos' description, was hit and killed. Gabby flips out, eventually making it to her house. She's in the driveway, balling, when Mei comes out, buttoning up her little outfit. Uh oh. Gabby says that Carlos is dead, and Mei tells her not to kill him. Huh? He's not dead, he's in the kitchen. She's happy to see Carlos, who tells her that he got some poor guy to do his community service for him. Why is he sweaty though? He was running on the treadmill. With no shoes? Uh oh again. Eventually, Gabby puts two and two together and thinks maybe Carlos is hookin' it up with Mei. She plants baby monitors around the house and tries to listen in. Unfortunately, she doesn't hear anything, until she goes over to Lynette's house. Apparently her baby monitor sometimes picks up other ones. How convenient. Gabby hears Carlos telling Mei what a great kisser she is. I was really hoping this was Carlos setting Gabby up because he would never cheat on her, but alas it's not. He's cheating on her alright. She pulls Mei into this house and locks Carlos out, throwing clothes at him over the balcony. Man, their house has been the place for drama lately. Carlos tells her that she told him to do it. Well, that is true. But Gabby points out that she meant for him to go out and have meaningless sex, not sex with the woman carrying their child. Point taken. She tells him to get a lease, that they are through. Mei wonders if she should leave, but Gabby points out that she's carrying her child, so she owns her for the next nine months. Ouch.

Lynette's having some issues too. Another late night at work, for her. Ed has her at work late every night because he's a dick. Oh, also, he has problems at home and isn't a mature adult so he needs a practical stranger's help to get along better with his wife. I hate Ed. In the wacky Lynette way, she tries to help Ed out by performing IM sex for him with his wife. The next day Ed comes in and the plan has backfired. He felt too embarrassed to tell his wife it was Lynette doing the talking, and too stupid to actually read what Lynette wrote the night before, so he told his wife it was Tom who wrote all of that. I don't know why that would be better. I would think it'd be hotter if it was Lynette. Anyway, because his wife is a raging bitch, she's going to make Ed fire Tom. Lynette informs him that he can't fire Tom, that Tom's under contract. Ed's determined to find something in Tom's work that causes him to warrant being fired.

When Lynette warns Tom, he's furious, but come on, you know who you're married to. You're working with her, something like this was bound to happen sooner rather then later. Lynette then tells Tom to be on his best behavior from now on. He can't do that though, when he learns there's an audit happening on all his travel expenses. He goes into Ed's office and hits him, allowing Ed to fire him. Later, Lynette goes and tries to be all high and mighty to Ed, who informs her that Tom not only went to Atlantic City on a bunch of occasions, but he bought flowers and show tickets. Uh oh. Busted! But wait, why the hell would you try and expense that stuff? Especially when Lynette works at the SAME company! She tries to get him to confess, but he doesn't. Then, suddenly, he has to go to Atlantic City for something, even though he doesn't have a job. Oh wait, it was because one of their friends had a lead on a job. In Atlantic City?? Oh great. She tries to confront him, and he gives great excuses, which she believes, until the card he gave her to prove to her he wasn't having an affair, he pockets so she can't call the person.

With Mrs. McCluskey's help, Lynette does what any rational woman would do, she flies 3000 miles to find out what's going on. She sees more then she's bargained for, Tom going to some other woman's house. We can't see her face but she's in a slinky back dress, they have glasses of wine, and walk upstairs. Oh hell no! When Tom comes home from Atlantic City, Lynette is gone and no one will tell him where she is, with the kids. She's at some dump hotel as the kids swim in the pool. Because her kids are assholes, one of them jumps off the upper landing trying to get into the pool but misses. HA-HA!. Tom rushes to the hospital. The kid's okay, besides being a total moron. He and Lynette finally get to talk and he admits that he has been lying. In fact, before they were together he had a one night stand which produced a daughter. She's eleven now and he just found out about her. He's been going to see her. And expensing it!? That's just so wrong. Lynette's pissed, but accepts it, since there's nothing else she can do.

In flashback scenes that pepper the finale, right after Lynette gives birth to Penny, Tom's talking about more kids. He's such a bastard sometimes. He obviously wants and loves children. (that's not why he's a bastard) But mostly because he wasn't the one taking care of them though. Lynette agrees to meet the daughter, Kayla, and the mother, Nora. Well, the mother shows up without Kayla and she's one crazy bitch. From the beginning I'm hoping Lynette punches this bitch's face in. She basically wants to blackmail them into giving her money. She's very white trash, which really has me wondering if this was the woman we saw with Tom in Atlantic City. Their relationship is civilized, but Tom was all smiley with his wine, walking upstairs. This show is all over the map. Lynette's not having it though, and doesn't let this bitch push her around. The money this woman is asking for will bankrupt them, and I find it hard to believe, even if Tom knew about the kid, which he didn't, if the court would take so much money away from Tom, his wife, and his other four kids, to bankrupt them. I highly doubt it. Anyway, they end up draining their savings and giving the bitch $30K. She informs them later that she put it as a down payment for a house in Fairview. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am not looking forward to seeing this stupid bitch next season, unless Lynette's kicking her ass.

On to Skeletor and her dumb ass. I'm sorry, I'm being harsh today, but this show really irritates me. Anyway, since Susan slept with Karl, she's feeling guilty. In fact, Karl officially left Edie. All the women were trying to console her, calling this nameless woman (Susan) a whore and what not. At some sort of Hooters knock off restaurant, Edie got into a fight with the waitress she thought Karl was cheating with and Susan jumped on the pile of woman to help her out. How this would help her, I'm not sure. I mean there were already plenty of rib and thigh bones hanging around. BAM! Susan then found out that Edie hired a private investigator to suss out the whore. Mike caught wind of it and paid the guy off not to tell Edie.

Susan decided that she was going to come clean with Edie. She wrote her a note, but then changed her mind. Unfortunately, when she went to steal in back from the mailman, who she invited in for tea, she took it out of his bag and slipped in back into her own mail pile. When Julie, who's still a little bitch, came in, she sorted through the mail and put Edie's letter back into the mailman's bag.

Edie got the letter and flipped out. She went over to Susan's house while she was at Mike's and burned it to the ground. Everyone came over to help her clean up the mess, including Kyle, the dentist, who Susan has a mini-friendship with. Then there's Edie, who's standing on the side, not helping, eating an ice cream. Oh, she's a crazy bitch. In fact, when Susan asks her about it, she admits to it. Susan's one to talk, she burnt down Edie's house too. Edie's obviously a vindictive bitch, but at least she's consistent. Susan insists on getting a wire put on her from Mike, and when she goes over to Edie's house again, she thrusts her boobs in the woman's face and practically screams, "I'M BUGGED, PLEASE CONFESS SO I CAN HAVE YOU ARRESTED". Idiot! Edie might be a ho, but she's a smart ho, and figures it out. She chases Susan down the street and they eventually fall onto the ground, next to a bee hive. Edie must be wearing some sort of bee perfume, because as Susan stands there, the bees attack her. Later, Susan visits her in the hospital where she looks pretty damn bad, and wants to bury the hatchet. Edie's not having it though, and basically tells her it's "on like Donkey Kong". She also lays it out for her that she can't take care of herself, and has all these men fawning over her and taking care of her. I only halfway agree with that statement, but I know where she's going with that.

Once back at her place, Mike offers to let her and Julie stay with him, instead of at Bree's, but she's the new and improved Susan, she doesn't need anyone else. In fact, to make life easier for the two of them, Susan buys an RV. The ugliest RV that looks straight out of National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. Haha, I loved that movie. "Sh*tters full!" Mike actually likes this new Susan, and so does Karl. Uh oh. In fact, while Susan and Mike are sitting outside of the RV, Karl shows up and they nearly piss on her trying to mark territory. Later, Karl sees Mike go into a jewelry store and busts him for buying Susan a ring. Whu whu whu??? When the hell did he fall back in love with her? Enough in love with her to marry her? Wow, this show is great and consistent and explanatory too.

Back in Susan's house on wheels, Karl wakes Julie and Susan up by driving off with their house. He takes them to another house which he claims he just bought for them. He says he's not going to live there, but Susan doesn't like the idea. Kinda goes against that whole independent thing. But, Julie loves it so Susan decides to move in. I didn't realize Karl was this rich to just buy a house for someone. There HAS to be a catch. It's Karl!!! Back at Susan's she and Karl are loading boxes into his car. Why they aren't loading them into the rolling house I don't know. Let's assume most of the boxes are in there. Wait, we can't assume with this brain surgeon. Mike goes over to find out what the deal is and since Susan gave him that big speech about being independent, she's embarrassed at what went down. Karl tells him though and Mike thinks this was all because he saw him buying a ring. Speaking of buying things, I don't get this whole "everybody loves Susan" thing. I think I'm agreeing with Edie on this. Susan hears the ring exchange, but her questions are drowned out by the guys fighting.

While they were fighting, Karl chipped one of Mike's teeth. Susan suggested he go see Orson, aka, Kyle. Kyle commented that he must have been in prison, since he has prison issue fillings or something. Mike thinks it's interesting that he knows this. Kyle says that he helped inmates out, while in dental school in some state I forget. Mike notices that the certification on his wall says it's from some state he didn't mention. Kyle covers and says he's certified in many states. And then, instead of shutting the hell up, Mike thinks he recognizes Kyle. I'm thinking Mike should shut the frak up. He's about to have his teeth drilled by this guy and he's giving him the third degree. He already knows Susan's not into him, what does he care? This is the genius of this show. And by genius I mean stupidity.

For some reason, Susan and Julie are still in the RV later. Nevermind they have a house to move into. Susan's put a note on Mike's doorstep. She's decided to propose to him herself. When she told the girls they were supportive, except for Gabby who didn't understand loving a man like that. Anyway, Mike got the note and read that she wanted to meet him up at the lake for a romantic dinner. He saw her looking at him and gave her a smiley head nod. She was all happy. What happened with these two in a minute.

The best storyline of the entire show, as I've been saying for months, is Bree. Last we left this crazy red head, she had just manipulated her father and step-mother into basically disowning Andrew. She and Andrew made peace, she even started trying to get along with his boyfriend. Speaking of boyfriends, Peter, hers, is still in Sex Addicts Anonymous. In fact, just as they're getting close, his sponsor, Claude, breaks it up. Since Bree's not one to take things lying down, when she visits Claude and he doesn't back down in keeping Bree and Peter apart, she gets him busted for cocaine possession. He didn't exactly have it, one of his sponsorees gave it to him so he wouldn't use it. It's kinda messed up she did that, since it was a lot of cocaine and he'll probably get a big sentence, but I get her point, she's trying to get some.

Peter's hurt that Claude did this, but Bree comforts him and says that she'll be his sponsor. He's weary of that, since she doesn't know the extent of his sex addiction. He has her come to this disgusting sex party to show her what he used to do and what she might need to get him out of. She's okay with it because she truly cares about him. She even invites him over to dinner with the kids. While they're on the phone talking about not bringing up the sex addict thing, Andrew overhears this from the extension he picked up. He then convinces Danielle to join his crazy plan. He makes Danielle wear a skimpy inappropriate outfit to the dinner, to which Peter can't take his eyes off. Wait, is he also a pedophile? I'm confused. Then, at the table, Danielle ends up caressing Peter's leg, which, surprise, surprise, makes him jump up and run out.

A few days later, he comes back and Bree's not there. Andrew is though and Peter apologizes for running out. He says he did a lot of bad stuff before and Andrew brings up the sex addict thing. Peter admits that he slept with a lot of "people". This intrigues Andrew who realizes it wasn't just women Peter was attracted too. Crazy mind working overtime. Of course, Bree comes home and finds Andrew in her bed and Peter coming out of the bathroom. Bree of course is pissed and angry, and all of that. There are so many things about this I have a problem with. One being Peter's carefree expression when he's coming out of the bathroom. Two, why oh why would they do it in the house, and more so, why would they do it in HER bed!?! STOOPID!

Bree's come to her breaking point. She decides to drive Andrew to the college he's looking at, much to his surprise. Unfortunately, looking at the college isn't her true goal. She pulls over on the side of the road at a gas station and gets out, pulling a bag out of the trunk. She tells him that she packed some of his stuff, and put some money in there that should hold him off until he's able to get a job. He begs her not to leave him there and she says that she's not strong enough to be around him anymore, and quite frankly, I don't blame her. She looks like crap and it seems he's sucked the life right out of her. Before she goes he tells her that he knew this would happen, that as soon as he told her he was gay, he saw the look in her eyes and knew that one day she would stop loving him. And that now he wins. She just looks at him and says, "Well, good for you," and leaves him standing there. Damn. This was such a great scene with these two, I was feeling so bad for the both of them, even him.

So she was left with Danielle. That's encouraging. Danielle who's still sneaking around with Matthew. Speaking of the Applewhites, they've finally made a reappearance. In fact, we get to see the whole Melanie Foster flashback. Matthew's breaking up with her, and being the slutty little ho that he seems to be attracted to, she wants him to meet her in the train yard later that night to finish him off or whatever. She shows up to the train yard and who shows up, but Caleb, who was listening into their conversation. He wants to hug her, but she calls him a freak, and everything someone shouldn't do to a big strong man in a dark train yard in the middle of the night. These people really need to learn when to shut the hell up. He ends up hitting her in the head. He gets scared and leaves. Betty sees the blood on his shirt when he comes back and that's when she uproots the family.

Anyway, in the present, Betty's decided to move the family away again. Matthew doesn't want to go so he enlists the help of Danielle. They trick Caleb into going to Danielle's house, while Bree is there, and doing what looks like trying to rape her, but really, Matthew said Danielle wanted to talk to him or something. Bree is furious, and tells Betty that she's going to turn them in. Betty decides to just kill Caleb instead. Um, ok. She tells Matthew her plan to poison him with some of the ice cream he loves so much. He hasn't planned on that, but can't really say how he set Caleb up. She takes him down to the lake for a picnic. I don't think I've ever had ice cream at a picnic, but I guess I've never tried to kill anyone with ice cream either. It looks fairly frozen still when he starts eating it. While he's eating he tells her that he was just doing what Matthew said. Uh oh. Betty takes the ice cream away from him.

When she gets home she locks Matthew in the basement. Danielle figures out where he is and breaks him out, and they run away together. When Betty learns Matthew's left, she and Caleb try and leave, but are ambushed by the cops. No, I have no idea how the cops figured everything out and got to them. Anyway, the cops show Betty a picture of Melanie Foster, and oddly, she has a coat draped over her head. Betty immediately recognizes and tells the cops that this isn't Caleb's jacket, it's Matthew's. Now, I don't mean to nitpick here, but I would think that she would just let Caleb take the fall for it since he's going to be found incompetent, and will just spend his time in a mental facility, as opposed to her other son that will go to a full fledged prison. I'm not saying lying about murder and covering things up is good, but if there was ever a time to do it, it's now.

We then see what else happened the night Melanie died. Matthew did show up to the train yard and found Melanie on the ground, but she was alive. At first it didn't seem like she was going to tell anyone what Caleb did, until Matthew told her that this didn't mean they'd get back together. In another moment of "bitch should just shut up" she started going on about going to the police and telling them what Caleb did. This is too much for Matthew, who takes a two by four and bludgeons her to death. Really not sad she died. Am a bit confused though, since when Betty told Bree the story she said that Caleb picked up an ax and gave Melanie 40 whacks. Also, what kind of inept cops were working this case? As someone else pointed out, that jacket he left was full of his DNA, plus, she was dating him, he should be the first person they looked at, especially since he suddenly disappeared. Who knows anymore with this show. Then we cut to Matthew standing over Danielle's bed in the cheap motel they're staying in.

When Bree came home and found the note Danielle left her, about how she needed to leave and how Bree sucked as a mother, that was just too much for her, she had to check herself into a mental institution. While there, she expected to just get fed medicine, but the doctors won't do that. In fact, she lies to the doctor, saying her kids are wonderful, that one is away looking at schools or something and the other one is at cheerleader camp. Some bullcrap that he doesn't believe. Later, as she's hanging out in the playroom or wherever, she sees Kyle. He approaches her and they speak. She asks him not to tell anyone she's there. Apparently he's there visiting a friend, some lady who Bree learns hasn't spoken since she got there. Something tells me there's more to the story then just that. There's an obvious flirtation.

Bree tries to walk out once, but it doesn't work. Then, she gets a call on her cell phone from Betty who tells her it was Matthew who killed Melanie. This freaks her out and she tries to leave again. This time they tie her to her bed. At the same time, Danielle and Matthew decide to make their way back to Wisteria Lane to raid Bree's safe and get some cash. The next day, in her session with her doctor, she says that she lied, and that she's ashamed of what's happened. He asked what she'd say if her kids were there. She tells him that she would ask for Andrew's forgiveness, and tell Danielle that she had a plan to protect her. With that, she takes the little sand Zen garden and throws it in her doctor's face. She hurries down the hall and just as an alarm sounds, she sees Kyle. She hides behind a door as the orderly comes through. She grabs the door to stop it from closing and gives Kyle one last look and he smiles at her, not giving her up.

Matthew and Danielle have made it back to her house. Fortunately, Bree's changed the combination on the safe. Matthew goes over to get the sledgehammer from his house and runs into Betty. I'm thinking she's getting a sledgehammer to the face, but she doesn't. She just tells him she knows he killed Melanie, and he says that she would never protect him the same way she does Caleb. He leaves without hurting her, which surprises me, and she calls the police.

Back at Bree's, Matthew's managed to get the safe open and he and Danielle are currently raiding the fridge. Bree shows up and tells Danielle to get away from Matthew, that he murdered Melanie. The little bitch doesn't buy it and tells her to leave them alone. They try to leave and Bree blocks them. Matthew whips out a gun and points it at Bree. Danielle's scared now, and tries to get Matthew to back down. He pushes to her, and she starts to see it, but not really because she's a dumb ho. Bree then starts coming closer to the gun, as Matthew starts to get worried. She tells Danielle to leave again and comes even closer. He's yelling at her wondering what she's doing and she says that if getting shot by him will show her daughter who he truly is, then so be it. I have to say, then, and even a little now, this scene touched me. She finally showed true, unconditional, throw myself in front of a moving car, do whatever I need to do to protect my child motherly instincts. Finally. Suddenly, there's a popping sound. Matthew drops down to the ground, dead. The super fast sharp shooting S.W.A.T. team has made it to the scene, assessed the situation, and determined to shoot the black man, which they do. I'm amazed his finger didn't pull the trigger when he got shot.

Down the street, at what a looks like the same time, Mike's buying flowers. He's on his way to meet with Susan. Up at the lake she's put together a feast, decorated the RV with stickers that say, "If the truck's a rockin', don't come a knockin'!" Oh, and some pretty lights. Cut then to Mike crossing the street with the flowers and a red car zooms towards him, on purpose, and hits him, hard. He flips over the car and falls onto the pavement, very close to death. As the car turns the corner, we see that it's Kyle! What the frak?! What we can only assume is the next day, Bree's leaving her house and who's there? Kyle! With some flowers! I wonder if he got them off of the road after he hit Mike. Cheap.

So that's the jist of it. I know that was long, but trust me, it took me much longer to write it then it did for you to just read it. Am I looking forward to the next season? I guess. But, I hear the creator and head writer, Marc Cherry, will be back in the driver's seat this season. I'm assuming that means it'll be back to how it was that first season, but we can only hope.

COOKIE MONSTER

This episode was so on the edge for me. I was very afraid we were slowly slipping back into the rut that was the beginning of the second season, where everyone was a caricature and I didn't care if they lived or died. Like I said, it walked the fine line the whole episode but ended up being good. Hopefully that was just a blip and the jackasses that were the women of Wisteria Lane from a few months ago, won't return. And a note, I wasn't able to find any pictures for this episode, so I apologize. I added a few, not really DH related, but that's the genius of having my own blog, I can't do whatever I want.

Oddly enough, Tom's not even in this episode, but damn he looks good here

Lynette's called to Parker's school because apparently he's starting to get curious about what's underneath women's skirts. I'd think he'd be one of those kids that just tape mirrors to his shoes, but he's not like his mother, he's bold, tells people exactly what's on his mind. The teacher says she caught Parker trying to trade a cookie for a peak at what's under Cindy Lou Who's skirt and see her vajayjay. Of course, the teacher doesn't call it a skirt, she calls it a pinafore. I don't know what the hell a pinafore is. It's a cookie right? When Lynette finally sits Parker down and asks him why he's a perv, he says that one of his buddies told him that's where babies come from which thoroughly confused him since how the hell can a baby fit up there. Honest question. Lynette's not really ready for this situation, so she tells him that Tom will be back in a few days and he can explain it. Kinda the parenting skills I excepted from Gabby, not from Lynette. He says that's cool, he'll just ask his buddy's older brother, apparently this guy knows everything.

That gets Lynette interested in helping her child and sits down with a glass of wine and some crayons. Yeah, my mom had to be drunk too to teach me about that. She draws some stick figures to tell the story of how life is created and tells him that when the mommy and daddy hug real tight, a seed is magically implanted in the mommy, resulting in a baby in 9 months. He doesn't believe her, but I kinda do. She says that mommies never lie and when he won't go upstairs and wash his hands, that Santa won't bring him presents at Christmas. Nice.

Later, Lynette comes into the house and finds Mrs. McClusky hard at work on a Fudgesicle. Before she leaves she tells Lynette that Parker asked to see her vajayjay. Not just that, he asked if he could put a seed in it to see if a baby grew. I just threw up a little in my mouth. When Lynette tells her that she did try and explain the birds and the bees, she just softened the blow a bit, McClusky tells her that she did it all wrong. What she should have done is explained it and made it sound sick, so that when he thought about doing it later, he didn't want to. And so we find the root of most men's problems. When she's talking to Parker later and telling him that it's not right to talk to a woman about her vajayjay until you're old enough to know what to do with it, he just doesn't get it. He keeps asking "why". Finally she can't take it anymore and blurts out that its dirty and disgusting and she'll wash his mouth out with soap. He looks extremely hurt and she starts remembering all the times he was obsessed with things, and how happy he was. So instead of sitting him down and explaining to him what she meant by all of that, she just goes out and buys him a puppy. Lord knows men stop thinking about vajayjays when dogs are around.

While all of this craziness is going on, Bree's at the courthouse, ready to finally go mano y mano with Andrew. Peter's there with her, and they're holding hands. I love this relationship. She and Andrew are staring each other down when all of the sudden Carol Burnett shows up. What the hell is she doing there? Well, apparently she's Bree's step mother, Eleanor. Danielle called in the cavalry to help her family out. I bet she didn't tell them about the big hot black man she's dating. When Eleanor makes some snide comment about Peter and his long hair, Andrew quickly tells her that he's Bree's AA sponsor, which of course causes Eleanor to nearly have a heart attack. She's not used to family members getting help through a professional group.

Bree's father comes out of the judge's chambers and announces that he's old friends with the guy and has gotten a continuance. This pisses Bree off because she wanted more than anything in life to stomp Andrew into the ground in front of an audience. Her father, Henry, thinks it's nonsense to air all of their dirty laundry out in the open, and they can settle everything as a family. This man is clueless.

When they finally get home and sit around a table, Henry tells Andrew and Bree that he heard about this new technique some Dutch doctor is claiming works to help forgiveness. You just have to say that you forgive that person and the heart will soon believe it. I wonder if I can make someone love me that way. Regardless, Andrew and Bree aren't buying it, but when Andrew plays the victim to his grandparents and says it, Bree's forced to. Eleanor doesn't really believe this mumbo jumbo, but she goes along with it because her husband thinks it's great. Andrew then takes this time to talk about the trust fund he wants, since that was the whole reason for the lawsuit to begin with. Henry doesn't think that's a good idea and Andrew blurts out that he couldn't possibly live with someone who hit him. Bree admits that she slapped him but we all know how much he deserved it. When Andrew says it's because of her drinking, Henry's surprised when Eleanor tells him Bree's in AA. Bree shoots back, pointing out that he was drunk when he ran over the neighbor's mother in their car, killing her. Andrew tries to get in a good jab by saying she watched George kill himself, the same man who killed his father. I'm not sure people would consider this a bad thing, but I guess he does.

When Bree goes downstairs at nighttime, she finds Eleanor sitting on the couch brushing her hair. Not the hair on her head. Ewe, get your mind out of the gutter, she's brushing her wig. Bree sits down and Eleanor tells her that they're taking Andrew back to live with them in Rhode Island, because Andrew's asked to live with them. Bree refuses to let him go and Eleanor tells a sweet anecdote about when Bree was a child and would make these awful cookies that she kept baking and forcing them to eat. Bree says that her mother loved the cookies but Eleanor says that some people praise children when they don't deserve it. Ouch, this bitch is rough. Eleanor points out that Bree always resented her for her high standards. Bree corrects her and says that no, it was because she made some kick ass cookies. Eleanor then takes her hair and tells Bree that they're taking Andrew with them and that she should just realize that she failed as a parent.

Later, Bree's peering out of the window when she sees Andrew and Justin arguing about Andrew going all the way to Rhode Island. Andrew peels away, leaving Justin there. Bree comes out and asks what's going on. Justin says that Andrew just told him that he was leaving and how sad he is. Bree tells him that she knows they're good friends and Justin points out that he loves Andrew. Bree rightfully asks him why he loves him and he explains, which is quite sweet. When his parents kicked him out because they were ashamed he was gay, Andrew told him that he should be ashamed of them, not the other way around. Andrew said they were stupid not to see how great he was. Justins says that Andrew doesn't take crap from anyone and how could you not love someone like that. You can almost see the light bulb go off over Bree's head. She then recruits Justin to help her keep Andrew in town.

And so the plan begins. Bree comes downstairs with some of Andrew's boxes as her father and step-mother pack up what's left of his stuff. Bree hands her father the opened box and it's full of porn. I'm assuming this is Justin's porn, or Justin told Bree where to find Andrew's stash, either way it's kinda icky, but awesome. He picks up a movie called "Rods". I've seen it, not as good as everyone says. He then looks through a magazine. Eleanor catches him and scolds him for looking, but he's mesmorized, they're all dudes. This is strange because whenever I show my guy friends my male porn collection they never want to look at it. Anyway, the grandparents are flabbergasted and appalled. Bree just says, "boys will be boys" and shakes it off. She says that it's probably just a phase. From a woman who's been in love with many gay men, trust me, it's not a phase. Bree points out that regardless of what it is, it's not her problem anymore. Eleanor pulls Henry into the other room to have a "serious" talk.

Andrew comes home, excited to be getting away from his mother and wonders where the grandparents are. Bree says that they left but left him a nice little note. The note says that not only can he not live with them, but they're taking away his trust fund. I feel truly torn here. As much as I like to see this little bastard's trust fund taken away, the fact that it's taken away because he's gay is completely fraked up. He wonders what he's going to do and Bree says that he'll just have to stay there with her. He's a bit shocked but she says that she wants to make it work. She's even had a nice talk with Justin and invited him over for dinner. Later we see Andrew and Justin sitting at the dining room table playing a cute game of cards as Bree comes in, all smiles, but a little uncomfortable, to serve them a huge ass apple pie.

The most boring story is about Paul and Felicia. I'll keep it simple. Obviously Felicia's pissed Paul's not only there, but that he's alive at all since he killed her sister. Still not sure how he hasn't been arrested for this, but I'm sure it was explained and I ignored it. Anyway, she decides to take matters into her own hands, but not kill him, just scare the crap out of him. As he steps out of the house he takes a hard spill on the front porch. Felicia's in her yard, mixing some cookie batter. This show's all about the cookie today. Anyway, she faux wonders if he's okay and he says that he slipped on some shortening. Hey, you think you're pissed now, try getting that crap out of your clothes. Later, as he's lighting the bbq it nearly explodes because someone's switched out the lighter fluid for gasoline. Again, Felicia's there to offer her concern. He's a pretty smart guy and realizes she's behind this, telling her she should come over later for some burgers and a margarita, he's got a great blender they can use. Then, early in the morning Paul hears and sees a tarp go over his house. When he and Zach come out, a crew is putting one of those disturbing looking termite tents over his house. They're surprised he's still in there. Felicia comes over and fakes like she accidently put their number on the work order and not hers. Paul's got her number alright. He walks up to her and they whisper. She makes some snide comment about Mary-Alice killing herself and Paul attacks her. Of course no one heard what she said, they just wonder why he's trying to beat up on an old lady.

Over with Susan, she comes over to visit Karl after Edie's gone. He's of course in a towel and nothing else, which isn't half bad because he has a pretty nice body. Anyway, he she wants to know what the hell all that bed stuff was about the night before. Whu whu whut? The night before? There are so many things wrong with this being the day after the party, I won't go into them, one of them being Susan not being on the cane anymore, but I'll let you guys figure it out. (Hint: Carlos and Gabby's story below couldn't have happened a mere 24 hours later because the stripper had the baby during the engagement party) Anyway, Karl says that he's in love with her still and wants to be with her. She comments that the helium hasn't even gone out the balloons from his engagement party yet. Karl says that if she says the word, he'll leave Edie so they can be together. He threatens to take his towel off so she can feast her eyes on what she's missing and part of me really wants him to do it. She gets appalled that he would even suggest this, being engage to such a saint, and storms out.

At home, Susan's gotten some nice red roses. Julie's pissed because she's opened the card and read that they're from her dad. She reads this somehow as Susan's fault and berates her for having feelings for her dad again. When did Julie become a little bitch? I mean, yeah what Karl's doing is despicable, but why is she being a bitch to Susan, her closest confidante? When Susan asks if they're still going to the movies, Julie says they're not, and to just call her dad if she wants a date. Susan decides to go alone and when she gets there Mike shows up with a date. She looks kinda skanky, but definitely a step up from Skeletor. Susan tries to duck down in the seat so he won't see her, but we know how these things go. He says fairly loudly that he's going back out to get some napkins and Susan quickly hops up and sits next to the first guy she sees, the lovely Kyle MacLachlan. She quickly explains the situation and when Mike sees the two of them, says hi. Kyle introduces himself to Mike, saying he's a dentist. Mike wonders how they met and Kyle says that he's been looking in Susan's mouth for years, and last week he decided to put his tongue in it. Ha, that's awesome! Susan's a little startled but grateful to Kyle when Mike leaves. She wants to know if she can sit there during the movie and before he can answer his date comes back. Didn't we know something like that was going to happen to her?

Later, there's a knock on Susan's door and it's Kyle. Apparently when she ran out of the theatre she dropped her wallet. I wonder what Mike was thinking when he and his date went to leave and he saw Kyle with some other girl. Regardless, Kyle tells her that he put one of his cards in her wallet in case she wanted to sit next to each other at the movies on purpose. Very cute. She says she has a complicated love life and next thing we know they're sitting down in her kitchen, talking about it. She's explained everything and he's as confused as we are to who it is she really wants to be with. She also admits that she does have feelings for Karl, no matter how hard she tries to deny it to him and Julie. Because he's a perfect stranger and won't judge her, don't worry honey, I think he already has, she wants his opinion on the situation. He tells her that Karl is a tool and a coward, that he just wants her to make the decision because he can't do it. He's so right about that. He then gets up and tells her that if she does need that tooth whitening, his card is still in his wallet.

Susan walks into a ballroom while a band practices for a Bar Mitzvah. Karl's in there and has called Susan, saying it's an emergency. Since we all know what a douche he is, it's not really an emergency. She complains and gets ready to leave when their song starts playing. They start dancing until he brings up that whole, 'give me the word' thing. She takes Kyle's advice and tells Karl that he's a coward and just wants her to do the hard work. She says that he's the same weak coward that walked out on her a few years ago. Ain't that the truth. Then she leaves.

Karl shows up at her door, looking sad, his car in the background. He tells her that he broke it off with Edie. Not for her of course, but that she was right, he's a coward. She feels bad for him but you can tell a little happy, since this is just what she wanted to happen. Then, being the brain surgeon she is, she invites him in for some wine. The next thing we see of them, he's in bed and they're snuggling. She admits that she does have feelings for him and that she's so happy things have worked out. Personally I would have given it a day or two before sexing up my ex husband/husband three doors down from the woman he just broke up with, but hey, that's just me. Soaking in their post coital bliss, Susan's phone rings, it's Edie, looking for Karl. He calmly talks to her and promises to pick up the juice from the store on his way home. Hmm, curious. When Susan questions him about it he admits that he didn't really break up with her, he told her he was helping Julie with some homework. Apparently, he just needed to see if Susan still wanted him. Susan remarkably picks up on the fact that he just cheated on Edie with her. She's the "other woman". Karl doesn't see what the problem is, now that he knows she wants him, he can break up with Edie for real. Susan's pissed and starts throwing his clothes down the steps. Sitting at the kitchen table is Julie, doing her homework. I'm a little sick to my stomach thinking she was downstairs listening to her parents do it. She just rolls her eyes and Susan shoves Karl outside in his boxers.

Carlos and Gabby are in court with the baby they kidnapped and named Lily. The judge doesn't take kindly to people stealing babies out of hospitals, even if the mother is a white trash stripper. The state argues that they did find the father of the baby, who's unfortunately at Spring Break in Florida. When they told him he was a father he texted them back, using some teenage lingo like "bummer" and "this blows my mind". A Rhode Scholar, I can tell. Until the court can rightfully hear from the birth father, the judge grants Gabby and Carlos custody.

Once home, the girls come to Gabby's house to see the baby. We find out they named her Lily after Gabby's grandmother. They remark how good Gabby looks for being up all night with the baby. They assure her that Lily will probably sleep through the night in a few months. Gabby blows this off since she's going to be hiring a nanny and night nurse to mother the child. Carlos overhears this and is appalled. They start arguing and the women leave them to it. He doesn't want to pawn his kid off on some stranger to raise. I have to whole heartedly support him on this one. She argues that if she's well rested, she'll be a better mother during the hour or so a day she gets to spend with her. Carlos brings up how great his mother was and worked her finger to the bone. Gabby yells that that's what put her into an early grave. Oh yeah, that and walking in on her daughter-in-law doing the gardener and running out into the street and getting hit by the neighbor's drunk teenager.

That night, or some night (the way the continuity is on this show it could be any time) Lily is crying in her room. Carlos wakes Gabby up to get her, since he has some interviews the next day and needs to be well rested. She bitches and moans and he wonders what her problem is since with Xiao Mei cleaning she really has nothing to do around the house. Gabby jumps up and goes to get the baby. Then she walks into poor Xiao Mei's room and wakes her up. She tells her to watch the baby and she won't have to do windows the next day. There's so much wrong with this bitch I don't even know where to start. Xiao Mei is confused, but does what Gabby says, taking the baby out and singing to her while Gabby gets into her bed and goes to sleep.

I'm really gonna beat this woman. The next morning poor Xiao Mei is sleeping on the job because she was up with the baby the night before. Gabby comes down and says how much she appreciates her help. She's even going to give her a free spa day. This makes Xiao Mei happy until Gabby tells her she's leaving for her yoga class and to feed and put the baby to bed. The next day, or soon thereafter, Gabby's running out of the house to meet Bree for lunch. She yells to Xiao that she'll be back soon. When Gabby runs into the restaurant, she apologizes to Bree for being late. Bree's cool with it. She tells Gabby about seeing Xiao Mei just a bit ago at the spa. Gabby's heart sinks, but thinks that maybe Bree was just seeing things. Bree says no, it was her, they spoke for about twenty minutes and she said that Gabby got her this nice spa package. Gabby realizes she sucks at being a mother and races home to her infant daughter left unattended. The kid looks fine but I think this is the last time Gabby's ever going to leave that kid again. When Carlos comes home he's surprised to see Gabby with Lilly strapped to her in a baby holder thing, doing yoga. He offers to take her and she says that's okay. It's an extremely sweet moment that I'm glad happened. If it hadn't I would have thought Gabby was a mean hearted bitch who I wanted to kick in the face for being such a bad mother.

BABY MAMMA DRAMA

Again, I was pleasantly surprised that the show didn't suck. All of the stories moved a long and Bree almost got laid. You gotta love that.

Speaking of Bree, ever since she's been hanging out with Peter, her AA sponsor, she's been having the time of her life. He doesn't seem like her type necessarily, but he looks like he can really give it to her. She kisses him on the cheek one day while they're playing chess, or checkers. I guess with Bree it'd be chess. He tells her that he's not just in AA, he's also in SA, Sexaholic Anonymous or something like that. I was in SA for awhile, then I got kicked out for always showing up drunk. He says that they told him to get a plant and then if the plant doesn't die get a pet, and then if the pet doesn't die, to start dating again. Usually it takes a year and he's still on the plant phase. Because she hasn't gotten it in a really long time, and says she doesn't believe him and kisses him again, this time on the lips. He can't take it and throws her on the table. They start going at it pretty hot and heavy and then he pulls away, telling her that this isn't right. He leaves and she goes upstairs to her room to where she keeps all that stuff Rex bought her.

The next AA meeting Peter introduces her to a woman, Donna, who takes over being her sponsor. Bree doesn't like the idea of not having Peter around anymore and tries to call him and tell him how much she likes him. She says that for a long time she hasn't been able to connect with anyone and be her drunk ass self. He doesn't want her to ever call again so she does what any good manipulating woman does, she gets drunk and calls him from the bar to pick her up. I could drink this woman under the table because when he finds her she's passed out in the corner. He carries her out of the bar.

Being alone and drunk in the corner of a seedy bar isn't her only problem. Andrew, her demon spawn is moving forward with his case to be emancipated. Bree goes to Lynette's to smooth things over from when she nearly had her children killed. She apologizes for it and tells Lynette about being in AA. Lynette's not stupid and wonders how sincere her apology is since she needs her testimony. Lynette doesn't want to lie and Bree's disappointed that her friend won't back her up since all Andrew wants is money and a new car and will do anything to get it. Later, Andrew lawyer approaches Lynette at work and wants her to testify for Andrew. He shows her the picture of Andrew's face beaten up and at first Lynette is shocked that Bree would do this. When she shows the picture to Gabby she thinks Andrew made it up and is completely on Bree's side. Lynette does her own sleuthing and when she brings home a new SUV she and her company are writing an ad for, she calls Andrew over and says he's her demographic. He's extremely excited to drive the car but changes his tune when she brings up the case. She can tell by his attitude and the fact that he's drooling over the car that maybe Bree's right, maybe he's a little bastard who needs a shot of his own medicine. At the deposition Andrew's lawyer questions Lynette about the incident with her kids and she sees the pained look on Bree's face and all out lies under oath. Well she doesn't completely lie because she admits that her children are slick little bastards and could get away from even the most watchful person. The attorney's flabbergasted and I wonder what Mrs. McCluskey's going to say in her deposition since she was a part of it too.

Over with Susan she's getting around better now on her cane. Even though Dr. Ron called her at the end of last episode we don't really know what was said because it doesn't seem like they're talking anymore. In fact the only people doing the talking are Karl and Susan, who Julie thinks are way too chummy. Julie's a bit worried because Karl is engaged to Edie and he won't have enough time to divorce Susan before his wedding. He's confident that won't happen since most women like to plan months in advance for their wedding. Not Edie, she figures if she found someone that's actually willing to marry her she has to hold on to him. She tells Susan and Julie that she's planning to surprise Karl with a wedding at their engagement party that weekend.

Susan's able to stop Karl from going into the house and tells him Edie's plan. She says that he should stall, be the woman and want a big wedding. When they walk into Edie's house, who do they see? Dr. Frickin Ron. Yup, he's so pissed at Susan for what she did that he's told Edie that Susan and Karl are married. Nothing about Dr. Ron ever made me think he was capable of this, in fact, it's really out of character and stupid. I'm letting it go though. Edie's pissed and throws a vase at the two of them. Edie eventually calms down and says that she'll forgive them, if they agree to a few rules. I guess because she can turn them in for fraud they go along with it. Have fun being married to that one Karl. She wants Karl to pay for an elaborate wedding, three times the amount he can afford. She does realize that when they get married his debts will be hers right? She's a dumb bitch. For Susan she wants Susan to plan the entire thing because she doesn't want to lift a finger. Those people are called Wedding Planners, invest it one. I hate Edie.

Also on the street Felicia goes up to Mike and is furious that Paul's still living on the block and no one seems to care he murdered her sister. That weekend is Edie's engagement party and since more people mean more gifts, she's asking Paul. Not a good idea when you also ask Felicia. When they get to the gift giving part Felicia has so nicely given Edie the best present yet, a pair of dentures. The dentures were once in the head of Mrs. Huber, and since she and Edie were friends, Felicia wanted her to have something of hers. Isn't that nice. She then mentions that it's hard since Paul still lives on the same street after beating Mrs. Huber to death with a blender and burying her alive. Paul takes this as his cue to leave. Later at the party, per Edie's request, Susan is her bartender. I know she wants to punish her but that would just punish me not having good drinks served at my party. Inside the Bartenders Bible (the 4th edition is the best) Susan finds a picture Karl has hidden of the two of them together. She's touched and a bit confused. In the coat room she confronts Karl and he admits that he looks at it when he gets tired of looking at Edie which is nearly all of the time. He then tells Susan that if she wants him to he'll call off his wedding to Edie. Before she can answer Edie starts to walk in so Karl flips Susan over the bed onto the floor on the other side. Priceless.

Gabby and Carlos are still trying to bribe the mother of the child they want to adopt with gifts. Her boyfriend sees this and is upset because he doesn't have any intention of giving the baby up for adoption. He actually, get this, loves the ho. At their attorney's office he's furious they went behind his back to get the baby. The only thing he can do is slyly slip them a paternal rights form of some kind that if the guy signs, he can sign over his rights. They decide to try bribing him with thousands of dollars. The guy's not taking the money though, he seems to be semi-decent. I don't know how decent he can be though he works at a strip club and screws a near hooker. When the girl realizes she's not going to get any money for the baby without the father's consent she admits the baby's not his. She says she was at some convention and slept with a lot of guys. As nasty as this is it's actually good for Carlos and Gabby seeing that now they don't have to worry about getting the father's permission.

Aw, Gabby and her Cabbage Patch doll

While at Edie's shower they get the call that tramp is having the baby, four weeks early. They get there just after the baby's born, it's a girl. After some quick bonding the father shows up drunk to stake claim on the baby. She keeps saying the baby's not his and I'm worried she's just lying, but she's not, she blurts out that she's his nineteen year old brother's daughter. This worries Gabby and Carlos because now that the father's been identified, he can claim the baby. Without thinking Gabby steals the baby with Carlos following right behind. They buckle her into her safety seat and leave. As much as it surprises me to say, I really hope they get custody of her. I guess to make us want them to be parents they've made who the baby comes from so repulsive that Carlos and Gabby actually look like a good alternative.