Okay, so I've been avoiding this for awhile now. Mostly because there's twenty seven hours of it on each week and I have a life. At least enough of a life to not want to write about the stupid "singers" that come out of the woodwork during the auditions weeks. Usually this is a great joy for me, to see these idiots who think they can sing make fools of themselves. This year it wasn't as wonderful as I hoped. They just had way too much bad and not enough good. They even let some of the bad through to Hollywood which was surprising. Simon is being his normal crusty self and Randy is still calling everyone "dog" and "dude". Paula actually stayed off of her meds, at least for the auditions. I think maybe traveling from city to city is like touring for her, and she's in her element. It's when she gets back to just hanging out in California that she has to start popping downers and doing the contestants. Here's hoping she starts doing Ace!
The contestants were whittled down last week to a mere 24 and there are a few that stand out to me. A few I can either take or leave, and some of them I'd like to leave tied up in front of an oncoming train. For these first few weeks the women are performing on Tuesday, the men on Wednesday, with the results show on Thursday. With Earl returning soon this is gonna be cutting into my Thursday night, big time. Hopefully it won't have to go on that long.
This year we're treated to a nice new set. I mean, it looks just like the old set except now the red room, where all the contestants wait their turn, is on the second level. Kinda sucks for girls like Mandisa who have to run down the steps to make it to the stage after Ryan introduces her and her taped package is over, but hey, it looks nice. Oh, and while everyone is performing we get a glimpse of the all the other contestants above them, singing to the song and cheering them on. Like every year, I do feel everyone gets along with each other and are genuinely happy when someone does well. Everyone except one bitch, Brenna. More on her later.
The women:
Mandisa!
Mandisa. Mandisgirl can blow. Remember she was the one Simon made that bigger stage comment about. She looks like she fits on the stage fine. Not really impressed with how they're dressing her, but she does a good rendition of "Never" by Heart. She's great and the judges seem to like her.
Sweet Kellie
Next is Kellie Pickler, who was bitten by the cute bug. I love this girl. I love her cute little accent. I love the fact that her father's in jail. And I love that she seems like a very sweet girl. What I don't love is her singing. She doesn't butcher it, but she's not the best either. She sings "How Far" and for the life of me I can't remember who sings it. She doesn't help matters by making me not even remember how the song goes. None of the judges are too impress though, but I can tell Simon wants to have her served up on a platter for dinner.
Sexy Becky. Too bad her lungs don't match her looks
After Kellie is another cutie, Becky O'Dononhue. In the auditions her sister wanted to try out too but she had just had throat surgery. Now poor Becky is representing the whole family. Poor thing, she's just terrible. Natalie Merchant, wherever the hell she is, is probably having seizures listening to Becky tear up "Because the Night". None of the judges like, it, not even Paula. She hasn't taken her daily dose yet, so I'm sure she'll be back to loving everyone has soon as her pill kicks in.
Tall Ayla Brown
Next is Ayla Brown. She's the Senator's daughter, or someone like that. She sings "Reflections" by I think Christina Aguilera. I'm actually impressed. Christina can blow, so to take on a song by her I think is ambitious, but she does well. The judges are luke warm Except Paula, who's starting to get that loving feeling.
She just realized her top was coming down
The young and talented Paris Bennett is next. She gets the crowd going and rocks out with "Midnight Train to Georgia". She's wearing a jean halter top pant suit thing which keeps wanting to fall off because she's jumping around. Not the best choice of outfits. Also, as much as I love Paris, the song is all wrong. Don't get me wrong, "Midnight Train to Georgia" is one of those classic songs that will always be amazing, but there's really no chorus in it. There's about ten words you sing throughout the whole thing, and every once in awhile, "Woo Woo" like you're a train. She has such an amazing voice, I would have liked to hear it a bit more. Of course the judges love everything about Paris. I kinda do too.
She bothers me
Then we have poor Stevie Scott. She's the opera singer who should stick to singing opera. I think she goes with a good enough song, "Where You Are" by the lovely and talented opera crossover to pop singer Josh Groban, but damn. This is just awful. I heard some dogs in the neighborhood start howling. She sang it way too high and although she may have a good voice, in a lower register, she should have sang it like that. Simon and Randy didn't like it, but of course, Paula liked it. She said she liked it because she went "ethereal" with it. Yeah, sounds like she sucked in some helium.
I wanna scratch her eyes out
At the halfway point we're forced to listen and watch Brenna Gethers. Even her name annoys me. She sang, "You Are the Sunshine of My Life". If Stevie Wonder wasn't already blind this would have sent him into darkness forever. Not only did she sing badly, she also brought her bitchy personality out when Simon told her it sucked. She said something about cats and getting her claws out. I wasn't listening because I was too busy yelling "Bitch!" at the TV. She likes herself too much. I mean, it's good to have confidence, everyone loves confidence, one of the reasons I love Paris so much. It's another thing to think your sh** doesn't stink. And trust me girl, it's stanky.
Who is this girl?
Next is Heather Cox. Who is Heather Cox? Seriously, that's not an existential question, who the hell is this girl. I don't remember her, and as I write this, I still don't remember her. She sings "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" or so her profile on idolsonfox.com says. Like I said, I don't remember her and I can't remember what the judges say. That can't be a good thing. It also can't be a good thing to look just like the winner last year.
Melissa and Amanda Bynes were separated at birth
Melissa McGhee is next up and she sings "When The Lights Go Down". All I remember about her is it was decent. She's kinda cute, in that Amanda Bynes sorta way. Randy and Paula are split on the performance. I'll give you once guess who liked it? Simon is in the middle, saying it was okay.
Oohh, it's like she's outside
Sixteen year old Lisa Tucker is next on stage and she sings "I Am Changing". She can blow, and the judges really like what she did, especially Simon. My only problem with her is what she does to her face when she sings. She's a pretty girl, but she looks like an angry man when she sings. Hopefully someone will tell her and she'll practice in the mirror how not to distort her face.
Okay, not so much in this picture, but trust me
Second to last girl is Kinnik Sky. I sorta remember her from the auditions, but God, I didn't remember how much she looked like a drag queen. Damn, this poor girl looks like she's straight out of Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Nemar. Seriously, is it Wesley Snipes dressed up like a girl? And her mouth, damn, that's what we call DSL. Figure it out. She's pretty good, although Brenna up in the balcony doesn't think so. She makes some sort of face when Kinnik goes for the high note. This makes me want to vote Kinnik through to the next round. Randy's not impressed, Paula, guess what, loves it, and Simon doesn't think she's ready to play with the grown ups. Afterwards Eddie Murphy shows up and takes her for a ride.
Poor thing's a bit cross-eyed
Last but not least is Katharine McPhee, who I think looks just like Katie Holmes. Look out, there's a short gay dude after you! I'm really not expecting much from her. Don't really know why. Then they remind us of who she is in the Hollywood auditions and I get a bit more excited, this girl can sang. And that's not a misspell, she can SANG. You gotta say it out loud. SANG! She sings "Since I Fell For You" and blows me away. She's got chops and I hope she's around for at least most of the competition. All three judges love it.
At the end of the night I vote for everyone except Brenna. I don't really want some of the other girls in it to go forward, but I really don't want Brenna.
The next night is the guys. This is more my speed, although not many of these guys are cute. Some of them are just ugly. I know, that's harsh, but I can't imagine most of these guys having their poster on anyone's wall. Hey, Clay isn't the best looking guy out there, but I can see how he appeals to little girls. Little boys for that matter. Paula's excited about tonight too, now she can choose which boy to molest.
The Men:
Oh dear
First up is Patrick Hall. He kinda reminds me of the poor man's version of Edward Norton although if I saw him in a bar I'd be all over that like white on rice. I love skinny nerdy guys. He sings Melissa Etheridge's "Come To My Window". If we weren't doubting his sexuality before, they flash to the people in the audience labeled "Patrick's friends". I have so many things to say, but I'm going to resist, out of respect for elderly drag queens. Sorry to Patrick for not putting up a picture of him, but this is too good to resist. The song's not horrible, but it's not great either. Of course, since Paula likes to wait a bit before popping her meds, she tells him it wasn't great. His only ally and he had to catch her before happy pill time.
Seriously, look how damn cute he is!
Cutie David Radford, the crooner, was up next. He sang "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". He's lucky he has dimples, otherwise I wouldn't have voted for him. I'm not a fan of the whole crooner thing, and although he has a nice voice, I'm very afraid it's one dimensional. Can we talk some more about those dimples? I just want to pinch his cute cheeks. I'm gonna go to jail. Randy and Simon aren't impressed, but Paula is, obviously.
Hi, this is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl
Next up we have Bucky Covington. Bucky, I just love that. Basically if you went to any town in West Virginia this guy would be hanging out with the one cute chick he wasn't related to. I mean I don't mean to be rude, but he's no John Mayer. Well, really, no one is John Mayer, but you get my drift. Nice guy, and he sings "Simple Man". He's not bad actually, although he does a lot of growling, which can get a little old. For a change, Paula and Simon liked it and Randy's sorta on the fence.
This is what Bobby Brady would look like if he stayed cute
On to one of the cutest performances of the night, Will Makar who sings the Jackson 5's "I Want You Back". I'm gonna jump through the screen and eat him. Seriously, this guy's adorable. I feel like a pedophile. Randy's impressed with Will, as is Paula who thinks he looks like Bobby Brady. Doesn't she know Bobby's the one who grew up into one fugly guy? He looks more like Peter to me. Paula needs to get her Bradys straight. Simon pisses on everyone's parade and calls Will an average singer.
Pimpin' all over the world
Our next singer is Sway. His mamma didn't name him that of course, some guys in San Francisco's Castro district did. Sway sang the song "Reasons" because his parents used to sing that to him when he was a baby. He sang the whole thing in falsetto. He pretty much pulled it off for me. I'm not a fan of listening to men sing like ladies, but he didn't butcher it like Stevie Scott did the Josh Groban song the night before. Paula and Randy loved it and Simon thought it was horrible.
Man I hope this kid stays in for awhile. And then gets a record contract. Gotta love good dads.
Chris Daughtry is next and I've loved him from the very beginning. If you remember, Chris' wife was at the first audition and was so happy for her husband because she wanted him to live his dream. Apparently he gave it up to marry her and be step-father to her kids. If anyone deserves it, it's this guy. He takes on Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive". Me and millions of other Gen Xers (is that what we're called?) grew up on this song. As soon as it starts in the bar the whole bar goes crazy. Chris nails it. He has the perfect voice for this song and I think Jon and Richie would be proud of how Chris handled it. All three judges are impressed.
Turn him over and his nostrils can be gravy boats
Poor Kevin Covais is next. I love this kid, I do, but he has the lisp of all lisps. His voice isn't great, although better than some, as he sings Brian McNight's "One Last Cry". Randy and Paula must be suckin' on the same Jesus Juice because they loved it. Simon, on the other hand, thought it was awful. Unfortunately I agree with Simon, wasn't great.
Look at this sweetheart, Simon can suck it
Gedeon McKinney is up. He's a sweet guy with an even sweeter smile. He sings "Shout" and gets everyone on their feet. Of course Paula because she needs to get the drugs circulating in her body. I think he does really well. And did I mention how sweet he looks? Adorable. Randy thought it was just okay, and Paula loved it. Then Simon said two of the oddest comments. He said that Gedeon was like the warm up for the Chippendales. Um, what? I'm not gonna pretend I'm some male strip show connoisseur, but I can't imagine them having this music, unless the guy is nekked or in a g-string. Hmmm. Anyway, if that's not bad enough he tells the sweet guy that his smile bothers him. What the hell is that about? Yeah, it's big, but it's genuine, and that's all that counts. I vote for him half a dozen times because Simon is an ass. Gedeon takes it in stride though. I can totally imagine him doing a Broadway Motown revival show.
"I'm just tryin' to get me Lucky Charms"
The next guy to sing is Elliot Yamin. Boy, he has a messed up grill. Totally sweet guy, but damn! I know they have dentists in Virginia. It's West Virginia you gotta worry about. Thank goodness this guy can blow. He sings Stevie Wonder's "If You Really Love Me" and brings the house down. All of the judges adore him and Simon gives one of the best compliments I've ever heard from this man. He tells him that he has the potential to be the best male vocalist on Idol, ever! Wow. I guess this could be true, both Paula and Randy said that he had a great studio voice. I have no idea what that means.
Oh look, he supports Lance Armstrong
Now on to Bobby Bennett. You gotta be some kinda terrible to butcher a song that's pretty losy anyway. I mean, I love "Copacabana", it's a fun song, but it's no Elton John. No Billy Joel. Hey, it ain't even Billy Idol. The crowd is on their feet, but it's "Copacabana", you're a tard if you don't get on your feet and dance to that, even if it's sung like this. None of the judges like it, although they love Bobby.
See what I mean about the shape of his head?
Then there's Ace. I don't know what the big deal is with how good looking this guy is. Will and David are so much cuter. Yeah, he has nice blue eyes, and the long sexy hair. And okay, so his body is nice and he has a great ass, but really, is that all we women look for? He sings "Father Figure" by George Michael. I have to admit, the more I look at him the less attractive his face becomes. His head is oddly shaped, kind small at the top and big on the bottom. I mean, I wouldn't kick him outta bed for eatin' crackers or anything, but still. He's a pretty good singer and I think, with his looks and the decent voice, he should go far.
We love Taylor!!!
Last but certianly not least is the adorable, Taylor Hicks. Taylor is the grey haired guy who looks sorta like Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder when he sings. Although he's a white boy who can see. He has a good voice, which I think will get better over the competition and turn into great singer. Defintiely final four. He's a bit odd to watch, so just close your eyes, it's much better that way. The judges like him and even Simon admits that he was wrong to say Taylor wasn't going to make it this far. Well duh.
The rest of the kids drowned these two out, thank the Lords of Kobol
The next night is the elimination night and we're treated to a big batch of Paula's boobs. She must have known Ace would be soon on stage because she was shovin' those bad boys out. They stretch four minutes of television into 60 and three of them I couldn't stop staring at Paula's ta-tas. Let's just thank the Lords of Kobol we aren't forced to watch any of the Ford or Coke commercials they do when it gets down to the wire. I meant the contestants, not Paula's boobs. We are forced to watch the 24 do a bad group song. Luckily they have the really bad singers, like Bobby and Brenna, not have any solos. The first girl goes, and I'm excited for a minute because Brenna's in the bottom two. Unfortunately, it's Becky O'Donohue that's voted out. My ears bleed as they make her sing again. I guess looks aren't everything. Next for the guys, Bobby Bennett got the lowest votes. A girl goes next and it's Stevie Scott. She sings "To Where You Are" again, but this time in the voice she should have sung in, and she sounds much much better. Better than that bitch Brenna. Finally, the last guy to get kicked out this week is Patrick Hall. Hopefully this week's contestants will do a bit more to impress the judges.
