It's been awhile since we've seen a new Housewives, and can I tell you, I didn't miss it. Yeah, I had something to do at 9pm on Sunday, but did I really care? Not too much. Luckily Lynette's manipulation was obvious to everyone, but Gabby reverted back to a stuck up bitch. She had some hope there for a second there. I've honestly forgot about most of the show, since the next hour was Grey's Anatomy and probably the best hour I've seen of television in a long damn time.
This ho is up to something
Bree is at a neighbor's stuffy ass luncheon wondering how she made all of the food by herself. She tries to catch her in a lie, asking who catered, but the woman's being tight lipped and assures everyone she made everything. Bree's still not buying it, saying it takes six hours to make some sort of pie they're eating. The only thing I make that takes six hours is in a crock pot. Suddenly, the FBI storm the lady's house and find a tiny Asian girl, Xiao, in the back room slaving over food. Still doesn't really explain all the food. I guess we're supposed to believe Xiao cooked it all, but Bree was just saying it's more than one person can cook. Whatever. The next time we see Xiao she's with Father what's his name from Carlos' church. He's wondering if the Solis' would mind keeping Xiao until it's time for her to be shipped back to China. Carlos says yes, without even asking Gabby, which is just so rude. Does he really think she'll be okay with this?
This is just wrong
She's not okay with it until she tastes some of Xiao's cooking. Of course it's amazing, so she begs Carlos to get Xiao to stay. The girl claims she doesn't speak a word of English but something tells me she might. We see her cooking and cleaning and basically doing everything the chick at the beginning was doing, but Gabby claims they'll pay her. She makes fun of her to her face, assuming she doesn't speak English. Man she's a bitch. But Gabby's nice enough to give the girl some cheap ass bracelet that some old dude gave her years ago when she was young. The girl freaks out and is overjoyed. When they come to get her she refuses to go, wanting to stay with Gabby and Carlos, calling them her family. Gabby pretends to be happy because now Xiao can live a life a luxury (and servitude) in America.
He's a dork, but still cute
Over at the Scavo's we're treated to a whole episode without those a**hole kids of hers. Instead, we're treated to that a**hole husband of hers. Actually, Tom's not bad, he's married to her so that has to be a struggle. Tom, in a plea to get close to the boss, becomes the "monkey boy" of the office. The boss, Ed, hasn't really been responding to his pitches. Huh, maybe it's because they frakin' suck. Anyway, Tom and Ed realize they're both frat boys and start doing stupid tricks to prove their manhood. Things like catching jelly beans in his mouth, oh and eating a doughnut that's been dunked in the toilet. Okay, I didn't have frat's in my college, but even if I did, that was 10 years ago! Close to 20 for Tom. I know guys mature slower than women, but this is just stupid. Maybe it's a woman thing or something, but I have to back Lynette up here, what they're doing is dumb and disgusting and if the guys in my office did it I'd think they were loose a few screws. In a twist of all twists, Lynette decides not to do her underhand, secretive manipulation she normally reserves for the people she loves. Instead, she beats them at their own game. At first though she goes to Ed, asking him to stop challenging Tom to these ridiculous bets. Ed's a moron, so he says no. When Lynette chides him with a bet, he can't resist. How this man is running the company is beyond me. Lynette and him reach an agreement, if she can eat one pound of raw bacon, they'll stop playing the games in the office. Lynette's a woman with a mission. Either way this is going to be good, she's either gonna eat it all, or she's gonna barf all over Tom and/or Ed. I'm impressed and a bit disturbed that she's able to eat it. Everyone in the office, who usually scream and cheer when Tom does nasty things, agree that this is just wrong. By the end, Ed's beaten and agrees they won't fool around at work anymore.
In the dumbest storyline yet, Susan has a wandering spleen. What the frak is this really? Is it a real medical condition because it just sounds stupid. Apparently her spleen is wandering around in her body cavity and has the possibility of ramming her heart and killing her. Hey, let's work on her eating three meals a day and not throwing them up, then we can work on her wandering spleen. As usual, Susan's freaking out, this time it's because she doesn't have health insurance. She gives some lame excuse which I can't remember but when she's telling Carl about it Edie suggests she marry some poor sap and get put her on his plan. Her surgery is scheduled for just days away. Again, I'm no expert but it's there paperwork that needs to be filled out and processed? Edie does try and help Susan out by finding her a nice gay man to marry. His mother's dying wish is to see him get married, to a woman. He says that this way she can die (soon) in peace, and he can get the inheritance. Just tell her you're gay, that should kill her real fast. Although Susan doesn't like this whole idea, she decides to do it. She goes and tells Mike about her crazy plan and he seems just slightly interested. At the chapel on the corner, the gay man meets up with Susan to get married. Do they really have little chapels like this in town? I mean, Vegas, sure, but in Dingleberry or wherever they are? To keep up the ruse she's dressed in a pretty floral dress and carrying a bouquet. I guess maybe his mother will want pictures. The only snag in this plan is the groom's boyfriend thought Susan had cancer and this is the reason for the marriage. He doesn't believe the whole wandering spleen thing either. He storms out and the groom apologizes for not being able to marry her and runs out after him. Later, Carl approaches a depressed Susan on the steps. She tells him what happened and he comes up with the bright idea to just marry each other again. I actually think this is a perfect idea. I mean, go down to city hall, get married, get the insurance an a few weeks later get a divorce. I'm sure it happens ever day, just ask Britney Spears, Dennis Rodman, or the lovely Drew Barrymore. At first she doesn't want to do it, then it looks like she's considering it.
Noah Taylor, Deirdre's father, is still bed ridden. Felicia, Mrs. Huber's sister and Mary-Alice's nurse friend, is still taking care of him. She brings him the mail and inside is a plain envelope, telling him he has a grandchild. He demands to know who sent it but she doesn't know. He calls Detective Sullivan (who beat Mike up in the parking garage awhile back) who pays Mike a visit. He says that Taylor wants him to come see him and tell him about his grandchild. At first Mike is resistant, until Sullivan threatens Susan. He reluctantly goes and Taylor demands he bring Zack to him within two days. Good luck on that dude.
Susan and Edie join forces to approach Bree about why the hell she's nice to Betty all of the sudden. Edie wants to know if it's because she saw Matthew with his hand up Danielle's shirt. Of course Bree's flabbergasted and makes something up. She talks to Danielle and is still pissed she let the whole, Andrew killing Mrs. Solis thing out of the bag. Danielle says that if she wants to know the rest of the Applewhite's secret, then she can go ask Betty herself. Instead, Bree uses the key the old neighbor left her to break into the Applewhite house. She entices Caleb down with her cobbler and he tells her that he hurt a girl and that's why he's hiding. He shows her the room Betty set him up with downstairs and she at first feels sorry for him. Then he says the girl he hurt was pretty, just like she's pretty. Creepy. Betty comes over, furious that Bree talked to Caleb. Bree gets out of her that Caleb had a crush on Matthew's last girlfriend, Melanie Foster, and when Matthew and Melanie had a bad break up, he called her to meet. I guess at some point Melanie laughed at him and he ended up whacking her a few times too many times with an axe. They have a mutual agreement not to tell each others secrets, but I think Bree has the slight upper hand in this. Later we see Danielle and Matthew having a little moment under a tree. Caleb is watching them from the window and smiles down at Danielle. Is it wrong that I hope he kills that bitch?
