OH NIP/TUCK, WHY DO YOU TEASE ME?

Ha! Ha! I got your attention didn't I?

You guys know how I feel about Nip/Tuck. I was over and done with it. I was through watching Christian, the ultimate stud, question his sexuality, although that picture up top is pretty hot, right? I was done with saintly Sean hooking it up with the stupid nanny, before she stepped in front of a bus and got smashed. And I was definitely over it when the most interesting story was Kimber's conversion to Scientology.

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth (that's Rosie)

Now, I'm not saying it's still not stupid and goofy, but my roommate insisted I watch the episode from two weeks ago because our favorite character, the tattoo guy, was back on. And not in some stupid Sean drug induced hallucination, but really on it. So I watched the show and it was excellent. It reminded me of the old Nip/Tuck, the one I fell in love with, but with less of Christian's ass, which was quite disappointing. The tattoo guy was back, threatening to expose the guys for killing that guy back in season 1. I don't even remember what happened, but I think it was good. And, he gave Sean the best advice he's gotten in a long time. Oh, and Kimber's pregnant with Michael Jackson, I mean Matt's baby, who she married. Crazy, but it just could work.

OMG this show has the best screen caps. I love midget sex! I'm sorry... vertically challenged sex.

I don't know if this is a trend, or if they had their one good writer write that episode, so I'm only softly recommending you give it another chance. I think my two or three week absence from it cleared my head. Now, I will definitely stop watching it again if I don't see Christian ass soon.

NIP/TUCK AGAIN

Okay, so I know I just talked about how this show is losing me, but the last episode totally redeemed it. Wait, not totally redeemed, but enough that I don't want to jump off the roof and light my crotch on fire.

Speaking of crotches, Christian really needs to stop thinking about his. He wants to hook it up with his boss, the married Sanaa, who's name I'm forgetting. Of course, Christian wants to hook up with anything female. The gay thing has been dropped recently, besides some looks Christian gives no one, when Sean's around sometimes. I sorta liked the maybe gaybe thing but then again, he's not gay. I know some people will be destroyed by this notion, and I kinda am too. That would have been hot. I was hoping him and Mario get back into the shower together. Whoa.

His story did get a little anti-Christian. Haha, anti-Christian get, it, er, anyway. So Sanaa came over to his house because really, who wouldn't. She actually thought Sean was going to be there, but silly girl, Christian has a plan. He tries to seduce her, but she's devoted to her husband, Larry Hagman. I'll say that again, she denied Christian for Larry Hagman. Seriously. Anyway, she invited Christian and Sean to a dinner, before Christian's little suggestion, but rescinded it the next day. At some point she comes home to find Christian checking out Larry Hagman's balls. I know that sounds bizarre, but Larry got his balls enlarged by McNamara/Troy and Christian came over to "check on him". Oh, and screw his wife.

See, Jacqueline Bissett is blackmailing Sanaa. A few episodes ago she felt Sanaa up in the parking lot and Liz saw it. She tried to fire Liz but the boys stood up for her. Sanaa gave JB a bunch of stacks of money which I thought was just ridiculous. Fortunately, we don't have to wait too long to figure out what's going on. Sanaa tells Christian, the night he comes to her house, that JB is blackmailing her because she used to be an escort at JB's company. Larry Hagman doesn't know that, and she hopes he doesn't find out. Christian says he won't tell, and makes Sanaa have sex with him for his silence. Now, this is a form a rape to me, and not very Christian like. Haha, again. I mean, I know she must want him in a way, but it's just not right.

Something else not right is Sean. Wait, before we get to his ridiculousness, let's talk about Liz. So Liz is a lesbian, good for her. Unfortunately, since she saw Sanaa and JB hook up, she almost gets fired. After Christian throws himself at Sanaa and he starts flirting with her at the office. Of course Liz is upset because Sanaa's not trying to fire him. She wants what Christian has, balls. With the ladies at least. They got to a lesbian place and Christian's upset, to say the least, that he can't have any of these women. There is one woman staring him down and he goes after her, but she wants Liz. Huh? I mean, good for her. Anyway, she takes Liz home. They must do it because the next thing we know, Liz is waking up with her cell phone taped to her hand. It rings and the chick on the other ends says that her kidney was surgically removed. Really? At least she was nice enough to call. Liz isn't as upset about that as she is about having no one to take care of her. Sean and Christian are there and decide to take her back to McNamara/Troy to recuperate.

Okay, on to Sean. Last time we saw him he was banging the slutty night nurse. Sure, he felt bad about it but he told Christian that he wanted to do it again. What's wrong with him?! It's been awhile since the baby was born, all lobster hands and all. Not only is Sean freaking out about it still, so is Julia. She can't seem to get Conor to attach to her breast. Put some beer and chips on it, that's what I do. Peter Dinklage is their night nurse and he's been painting a mural in the baby's room. He tries to help Julia, puts a warm compress on it. Sean sees this and like anyone who's a cheater, he becomes all jealous and fires Dinklage. Before Dinklage can go though, he tells Sean that he knows he doesn't want Julia on anti-depressants either and gives him some tips. This makes Sean realize he's a tool. Sean, not Dinklage.

Unfortunately he's still a tool because slutty night nurse comes back. She tells Sean that she can't stop thinking about him, she wants to do him again and invites him over. At first Sean's against it, but then he goes home and sees Julia picked up some pills. Because he has issues and blames Julia for everything, he goes to SNN's house. She has some hash brownies (I could totally go for some hashbrowns right now) and Sean starts eating some. I don't think it was weed in there. He starts hallucinating and the tattoo guy comes back!!! I love him!!! He plays "the devil" and that cancer chick who died that he was in love with comes back too as "the angle" and they have a great scene with Sean as they tell him what he should do. Then "the devil" starts doing SNN and then the cancer chick, and then she turns into Julia. He realizes his mistake and tells SNN he doesn't want to be with her. Once home, he finds out that Julia didn't even take the drugs. Dinklage helped her out and made her realize her fears, and blah blah blah. Okay, so your kid has lobster hands, SFW. Really, get over it. He's healthy regardless of that, and his hands are kinda cute.

So I'm not totally all in, some of the stories are still a bit stupid. Stolen kidney? Come on. But the fact that the Sanaa thing didn't drag out, and that Sean came to his senses, for real, with SNN, makes me feel better about it. I'll keep watching, if nothing else then to see Christian's ass again. Yowza!

A SAD STATE

I've decided not to recap Nip/Tuck weekly. Not because I'm not watching it, I am. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much longer I can make it. The show had me when Matt was an a**hole. It had me when Sean and Christian killed that guy and dumped his body in the swamp. It had me last season during The Carver. It even had me this season when it hinted that Christian may be in fact, gay. After this week's episode though, it lost me. Well, I'm mostly lost.

I think the problem was last night I watched the season premiere of Grey's and then went right into this. It's apples and oranges, it is. When you compare a show that has consistency and character development and a plot that makes sense in a the everyday, even soap operaish world, it's hard to sit through Nip/Tuck. You know it's bad when the only person that's likable is Matt. And can I say how distracting it is that Matt and Christian are working out in my gym. Yes, the gym I work out in is featured on this show. I was there the day they filmed the scenes. I saw Matt, yes, he still looks like Michael Jackson in person. I didn't see Christian. If I had I would have been naked and probably being arrested and my trainer would have been pissed.

The first three episodes have aired and I'm debating on whether or not to use Tivo space for the rest of the season. When you're hoping it's only a 10 episode season, something's not right.

The basic premise is this, Christian's in love with Sean, or so his therapist, Brooke Shields, told him right before he stuck it to her good. Sean and Julia are together and having a baby, which Julia learned awhile back had a deformity. She didn't tell Sean until it was too late to do anything. Of course, the deformity is having lobster hands, which really isn't that big a deal. It's not like he has Spina Bifida or something obvious. I once met a girl with three fingers. Two fingers and a thumb to be exact. At first I was confused because when I shook her hand I only felt those fingers, but then when she helped put together my roommate's grill and acted completely normal, I got over it. Plus, she wore shirts with long sleeves to cover it up in case some dumbass freaked out on her. Anyway, Sean's not handling this news well and decided to do it with the potential night nurse while driving her home. Talk about random.

I can't feel sorry for Julia either because they tried doing it and it was too awkward with her belly so they gave up and just went to sleep. Look, I'm not trying to be graphic, really I'm not, but there are other ways and things you can do. And then of course, after he has sex with this girl, Julia tries to get freaky with him. If she'd have just done it a few hours earlier. Anyway, that story is just stupid. Sean's an a**hole and he's supposed to be the normal one. The baby's finally born and is as cute as a button. Even his so called "infliction" is kinda cute too. The daughter freaks out though. She's a little bitch lately, cutting her dolls to have lobster hands and taping her own hands to see what it's like. They need to sit her down and tell her instead of her making all this up and then them getting mad at her.

Matt's normal. Yes, I said it. He's normal and he's a Scientologist. You must think I'm nuts but after watching this show, he's normal. He met up with Kimber who if you're keeping up was almost his step-mother. She's a Scientologist and he's gotten into it. It's like he's a man now. A whole different person. If this is supposed to make Scientology look bad it's doing a horrible job. Oh, and remember at the end of the last season when he and the transsexual Cherry shot that white supremacist after he made Matt cut Cherry's wee wee off? Well, we learned from a throw away line from Matt that the guy's now in jail. What the hell? The most interesting thing to happen last season is explained by yeah, the guy went to jail and nothing happened to Matt? I'm glad nothing happened to him and we weren't treated to a year of him sullen over what he did like when he ran over that chick, but still, we deserved a little more then that.

When Christian started to realize he may be gay just because his therapist mentioned Sean's his only good relationship, I thought this may be a good idea. Not the stupid ass reasoning, but because I couldn't wait to see him in a scene with Mario Lopez. ( please see above butt picture) Christian's not gay (unfortunately) he's just incapable of having a mature, loving relationship. Just because he can't have that with a woman doesn't mean he's gay. That's moronic.

Sanaa Lathan is now on the show. I've always loved her. Unfortunately I hate her now. Her husband, Larry Hagman, had his balls enlarged. Great. And then they bought the practice from Sean and Christian, so theoretically the guys would have more time to do whatever it is they want to do. It's not really working out that way because they keep scheduling free surgeries which can't be cost efficient. Liz also happened to see Sanaa in the parking lot with Jacqueline Bisset who she gave two large stacks of cash to and then made out with. Whu whu whu? Okay, the making out thing I could see happening, maybe they have a thing, but who the frak carries around two huge bundles of cash in their purse, wrapped with the bank tag thing? This is just so stupid. And after Liz saw her fondled and kissed by JB, she approached her to tell her it was okay to come out as a lesbian. Why? That's so inappropriate to say to your boss. Sanaa was pissed and tried to fire her. Whatever.

I'm going to give it until the end of this season. The only reason I'm even giving it that long is because that tattooed guy is coming back. Not really sure how that's going to work out since they changed his entire face to make him look like that wanted guy to get him arrested. I guess the police figured out it wasn't him by I don't know, his voice, DNA, and the other guy running around and he got out, went to another plastic surgeon and got his face put back right. Oh, and Peter Dinklage is going to be their night nurse. I'm sure someone will have sex with him. Let's just hope it's not the little girl. I really hope this show redeems itself, and soon.