STILL AMAZING RACE

So we're two shows into this season and really, is there any better reality show on TV? I mean, they've had just about the same formula for what, fourteen seasons now?

Here is a quick recap of the people involved this season and then a recap of the first two shows. Try not to roll your eyes. Also, keep in mind that these observations were made as the first episode was going on. You'd think I was Nostradamus or something...

Amanda and Kris

Boring and more boring. Apparently they fell in love over a bon fire. Did I mention they were boring? They will probably get better as the season goes on. He's hot though, so I'm all for them being in for awhile.

Brad and Victoria

Oldie but Goodies is what I'll call these two. I like them. They seem like they're physically fit and have a lot to prove being all old and what not. Hopefully they don't bone it and get out the first episode.

Cara and Jamie

Go away. Why do they have the same hair color? That's just bizarre to me. Oh, and they're cheerleaders. Get a real job girls. And dye your hair.

Christie and Jodi

Ugh, blondes. Come on TAR, get some new material. Although, watching the Botox slowly dissolve over the 30 days they're on the road may be fun.

Jennifer and Preston

They looks cute, but something about them wreaks losers to me. I don't know if it's their weak interview or that they're wearing orange. Orange people? This color doesn't look good on anyone, except maybe Beyonce. That bitch can wear anything.

LaKisha and Jennifer

Yay black people! They're going to get on each other's nerves. Sisters and sistas? They'll either be great TV or boring as all get up. Let's hope for the former.

Linda and Steve

Hillbillies. Remember those Hillbillies a few seasons back? Is "Hillbillies" capitalized? Anyway, the ones from before, I don't remember what their names were but they were so great. These, won't be. He looks like a rat and she looks like his mother. Probably is. My vote is for them to be first off.

Margie and Luke

LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM! Luke is deaf, which is funny as hell. Don't pretend like you don't think it's funny too. He's adorable. They're adorable. At first I thought it'd be difficult not being able to hear stuff during the race, but, as other teams point out, it's actually an advantage for him because 99% of this game is observation (how many times do we see idiots walk by the clue box) plus he and his mom have a special way of communicating that could be seen as an advantage as well. I love them. Did I mention that?

Mark and Michael

Stuntmen, jockey, midgets. I don't mean that in a bad way. Hey, I watch Little People Big World. Technically though, at under 5 feet tall, these brothers are midgets. I'm sure they're going to do great in the height challenges. Um, I mean the challenges where you have to climb things.

Mel and Mike

They're gay. No, I'm serious. They're both gay. Father and son. Mike's a writer, one of those that thinks he's funny all the time. I hate that. I say they'll get far and then do something extremely stupid like forget their pack somewhere in a cab! Damn you DALLAS!

Tammy and Victor

Brother and sister. Boring and will probably over think something and get eliminated. Or completely win.

Okay, so there are the teams. Actually kind of bland as I read them back. I bet halfway through this season I'll be writing about how great these teams are.

We're already two episodes into the show and so far it's good. I'm fighting the beginning of a cold which means I will be mean. Prepare yourself. Not that I'm all sunshine and daisies normally, but hopped up on drugs may be fun. What was I saying? We already have someone pull their groin and spousal abuse. Below is a quick recap of what's been happening.

I've already decided I love you.

They started off in LA. Ugh, can they find another city? I'm so tired of looking at LA. I want them to go to Seattle so I can see the Space Needle and Seattle Grace Hospital. Hey, the season has gotten better since Denny's ghost stopped having sex with Izzie. Story for another blog.

Anyway, there's not much fanfare with them getting on the flights. They're headed to Switzerland and can either go to Zurich or to Milan and then take a train to Locarno. Mel (and a few others) insist on going to Milan, saying that's closer. My first instinct is to laugh at those morons because, hello, Milan is in Italy and Zurich is in Switzerland, der. Then my second instinct was to look it up because maybe they were right and I'm just fool. I'm not a fool, and they're not geniuses, it's about equal distance from both places. The Zurich flight landed 30 minutes earlier though.

So the first set of teams land and head off on the train. The flight attendants/Botox Queens find a nice lady who is afraid their skin is melting so she tells them that there is a train that gets in about fifteen minutes earlier so they take a chance and get off of their train and onto the fast one. This is when we're shown that these idiots are carting their luggage around on rollers, like normal flight attendants. I'm sure running up/down steps is going to be fun. I hate them.

When the other group of people get in through Zurich, dating/orange couple Preston and Jennifer are indeed idiots and miss their train. To solidify them as not my favorites they begin arguing and projecting their dissatisfaction on their partner. That's a healthy relationship.

As everyone trickles into Switzerland they make their way to a church or something and sign up for departure times the next day. This is all boring so far because I don't really care either way for most of these people but then the Hillbillies try to run and I nearly fall off my chair peeing. Steve is pleading with Linda to hurry up so they can get an earlier departure time but mamma ain't running. In fact, mamma can barely walk. They get the last departure time and Linda freaks out, crying, saying she's sorry, saying she won't ever do it again as Steve berates her. Oh my, didn't these people go through some sort of background check? Nobody's going to tell me there's not a warrant for his arrest somewhere.

The next morning everybody takes off at their designated times and they head for a huge ass bridge. The Botox Queens (un)fortunately can't find a taxi and stand around thinking about ways to defy the laws of aging while other teams at later departure times head out. They look confused and worried and I laugh.

Together they're as tall as one person!

Teams make their way to the bridge and find out they will be bungie jumping off of the tallest place in the world dear God. One of the Botox Queens, the Botoxier of the two is scared. She should be happy, hanging upside down is surely good for that pull of your skin. Of course the Midget Stunt Men are excited about this. Most people are scared, but all of them do it. I'd be pooing in my pants, but hey, that's just me.

Brother/Sister team Tammy and Victor try and fake the teams out when they arrive at the train station going to their next destination. Victor thinks they could lie and tell the other teams it's another train, but this is the first episode Victor, slow your roll. You have 10 teams behind you, no need to pull that rabbit out just yet. He does some lame ass job of trying to psyche out the other team but Mel picks up on it. Hahah, I'm kinda loving Mel. Mike on the other hand, not so much.

"What? No, I haven't had any work done."

The BQs are next up to the train station followed closed by the Oldie but Goodie team. The BQs pat themselves on the backs for getting on the earlier train, but the OBGs realize the train those idiots took gets in later then the late train and go hide while the BQs go and get on the slower train. LOL, I love you OBGs.

As teams arrive at their next task, that's NOT a "choose between two tasks" task, we find out it's the stupidest task I've ever seen them do. They have to walk up this un-Godly hill with the dumbest cheese holding harness made out of termite eaten wood and put 100 pounds of cheese each onto it and then make their way down this slippery, leaves covered hill to deliver all 200 pounds of cheese to get their next clue. What friend of Satan invented this?

There's nothing funny about this, it's just stupid.

Of course, just making it up the hills is awful. Once up there the teams can barely put the cheese on the holders. Don't even think about walking back down. This is so stupid. Nobody makes it down the hill with their cheese holder in tact. Luke starts running down the hill for some odd reason and ends up falling on his ass, Mel hurts his groin muscle, cheese keeps rolling down the hill and eventually most people get on their butts and just scoot down the hill.

This should be easier for her, back home she'd be pulling a cart.

Steve the Hillbilly totally redeems himself a bit when he sees everyone struggling and just informs us that he's going to make a sled out of the cheese carrier to get it all down the hill all at once. Dude, you are now the smartest person on this show. You may not have teeth but doggone it you're freakin' Einstein.

Margie and Luke finish first and they all start heading to the pit stop. Margie and Luke are first and Phil solidifies himself in my fantasies as he signs to Luke that they're team number 1. I love you Phil!

Wanna watch someone lose $1,000,000? There ya go.

People start slowly trickling into the pit stop, who cares about the order, really. Because of Steve's genius they make it before the last two teams. The last two teams are the Orange team and the BQs. The Orange team goes the wrong way and when they eventually find their way the BQs show up and notice the right way to go and start running. Then the dumbest thing in The Amazing Race history happens. In a FOOT RACE Preston puts Jen ON HIS BACK and starts running with her. Of course the BQs beat them. Okay, let me say that again, the BQs who are at least 20 years older then Preston and Jen (added together) BEAT them in a literal HEAD TO HEAD foot race. It's not like Preston and Jen were a hundred yards back. They were RIGHT NEXT TO THEM and decided to go faster in a FOOT RACE it would be better to USE LESS FEET. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Bye.

So the next episode was a lot of fun and we got to see a few more personalities come through. It's like 2am and the race starts. They have to fly to Germany and take a cable car up the mountain. OMG, it's just like that awesome game on The Price Is Right with the Yodeler. Don't fall off the mountain. Hahahahaha. Bob Barker's funny.

In the long cab ride to the airport most teams borrow the driver's cell phone and reserve tickets to Munich. The MSM decide not to do that for a reason I'm still not to sure about. They feel comfortable enough (in the second leg!) to not really care enough to book it. Um, what? Of course when they get there they can't get on the flight, even though they left second or third. Dumb. Margie and Luke also didn't call either but they got to the airport in time, since they were first place, to get tickets. Yay! Luke, call me. The Botox Queens didn't make it on the flight either and are stuck on the later flight with the MSM.

Once they get to Germany and go up in the cable car they get their next clue which is a Roadblock. One team member paraglides back down the mountain while the other takes the cable car back down. If the wind is too heavy they can choose to walk down the mountain instead.

As the teams start arriving they realize the wind is too strong. Strong wind on a mountain, go figure. Mel realizes then that his groin is going to cause a problem. If Mike's mother was a lesbian I would have so many jokes. Mel can't walk/run down the hill, which is a 60 minute trek with a pulled groin. Mel watches as team after team arrives and leaves, opting to take the walk down. It's really a crap shoot. I mean, at any minute the wind could let up or it could stay steady for hours. I know I just stated the most obvious thing, but give me a break, I don't have much to go on here. These people better get good, and quick. Do all seasons start off this boring? I love the show.

Linda, our Hillbilly, has decided to this and I'm afraid for her. Steve is yelling encouraging words and something tells me his parole officer had a talk with him after the last leg. Eventually she too decides to walk down. This is when I start getting worried. I kinda do like this team and they were just given the kiss of death, Linda following signs. As long as there aren't any words on them she should be good.

A few minutes after the last person leaves the wind dies down and Mel is able to paraglide down to the bottom of the mountain. The best/tragic part of the show happens when there's a small arrow in the brush that points left, and everybody goes left, and Linda goes right. In her defense, the thing did sorta blend in to the background. I liked Linda, even though she showed clear signs of battered wife syndrome. As she's wandering down the wrong side of the mountain she keeps telling us how mad Steve will be.

As the people start arriving and leaving the mountain and Steve realizes that Linda is probably back in Switzerland and he resigns himself to losing. He's taking it like a man, which I guess they also teach you in prison.

The other teams are headed to the Detour. In this Detour the teams have to choose between two tasks. One of them is throwing pies to find the cherry center (whoa) and the second is riding a Segway for two miles. Who the eff is coming up with these lame ass challenges? What is wrong with me? Why am I hating on my show?

Next time you need to find the cherry in the pie, call me.

Tammy and Victor arrive first, do the pie throwing, which we (and they) find out is throwing it in your partner's face, and then go to the pit stop where they get first place. All of this before the next team gets to the Detour. Most teams get through the pie throwing, but Margie and Luke have a bit of trouble. Not trouble as much as frustration because they can't find the cherry. Dear God TAR producers, you're making this too easy. They eventually finish and head off and make it to fourth place which is fine by me.

Now? Honey, that ship sailed a long time ago.

I almost forgot about Linda. Poor Linda went all the way back down the other side of the mountain until she came to a road. Then she curled into a ball and started yelling, "Please don't hurt me!". Eventually someone picked her up and I couldn't tell if it was a passerby or the production crew. Could you imagine being on that crew and realizing she's on the complete other side and having to go pick her ass up? Hahaha. When she gets back Steve comforts her and tells her they're not far behind. I seriously think the producers had a talk with him not to leave bruises in spots we can see on TV or something.

Um...

Eventually, as the sun sets and most of the other teams make it to Phil the Botox Queens find the Detour and get all this pie in their face. Har. They then spend what looks like hours wandering around the area to get a piece of wood stamped at a wood cutters shed 4 feet from where they just were. This gives Steve and Linda time to catch up. They eventually do but the BQs find the wood cutter first and head out.

Unfortunately they make it to Phil first and Steve and Linda are sent packing home. Phil gives Linda a bag of ice and tells her she'll need it later while Steve cries like someone just shot his dog. Seriously, Linda could kick his ass.

Anyway, that's the quick and dirty recap of the first two episodes. I'm so happy this show is back but I'm ready for the fun to begin. Don't let me down TAR producers! I still love you!!!