NEWS: CHARM SCHOOL

As if my week couldn't get any better. VH1 just announced that Mo'Nique will be hosting a show which will take 13 of past Flavor of Love girls through Charm School. Hahahaha. This is the best idea ever. And by best I mean trashiest! This show will rock because these bitches won't know what to do with themselves in charm school. My recommendations for lessons would be, wait, I was just going to name people, but really, everyone of those girls needs to go. I'm not sure if they teach class is charm school, but let's hope so. See pictures posted above and below.

MOMMA MADONNA

Last night after I stopped crying after I watched my Tivo'd Lost, I happened to turn on Dateline. It was an interview with Madonna so I thought, "why not". I was curious about this whole adoption thing, and wondered if she was going to use her cool fake accent.

For years now I've been off the Madonna train. I haven't liked any of her recent music and she just bothers me. After I got over how light and bad Meredith Vieira's hair looked, I decided that I'm back on the train.

People need to leave Madonna alone. She's trying to do something good, adopting this kid who wouldn't have had a chance if it wasn't for her. She seemed really sincere and people need to back off of her. Let her raise her pretty kids all uppity and maybe one day they'll build a house or something.

TIME GOES BY SO SLOWLY

I know this is against everything that I stand for, and please forgive me, and the good thing is it's changing back, but the second and third episode of lost was sorta boring. I mean, we found out some stuff, Jin knew Sun was having an affair, and Sun thinks Jin killed her ex-lover even though he didn't. Oh, and Sun can shoot a gun. Granted, the gun was only a few feet away from the Other that snuck onto the sailboat Sun was hiding on, but still, she did shoot her, didn't seem to have a problem with it either. And yeah, Desmond can see the future.

First, the second episode was all about Sun and Jin. I guess it was interesting, but nothing really stood out for me. Sayid was still waiting for Jack to show up on the beach and then finally figured out he wasn't coming. So he decided to make another fire and lure them there. Sun tried to keep the secret from Jin, as they prepared, but he knows a little English now, seeing it's been nearly 4 months! Anyway, he and Sayid sat out in the woods and tried to wait for the Others to come see who set the fire, but unbeknownst to them, the Others aren't that stupid. With guns, they snuck onto the boat where Sun was. Colleen, the Other who used to be play Trixie on Deadwood, approaches her, but Sun shoots her in the stomach. Ouch. As Trixie knows from life in Deadwood, getting shot in the gut is not fun. Sun escapes and Jin swims out to get her and she's fine.

We do get to see a bit of our peeps with the Others. They make Sawyer and Kate work. Can't really tell what they're doing, but the basics of it is they're taking rocks from one side of the area to the other. They threaten Sawyer and he eventually walks right up to Kate and lays a big wet and delicious kiss on her. The male Others beat him up and he gets the upper hand. That's until Juliet grabs Kate and threatens her with a gun. He relents but later we learn he was just doing that to see how the guys fought. He figures only one of them can really fight. Unfortunately Ben is watching this exchange from a camera (with microphones) set up outside Sawyer and Kate's cages.

Jack's irritated as usual in his little cage and Ben tells him that if he just does what he asks, he'll get the chance to go home. Jack doesn't believe Ben can do that, thinks all of this power thing is an act, that he really doesn't have contact with the outside world. Ben then tells Jack some things that happened in the past few months while they've been on the island, including the Red Sox winning the World Series. Jack, of course, doesn't believe this and laughs at him. That's until he brings in a television and plays the moment they won. Very cool.

The next episode was all about Locke. Which was cool because I was psyched that we might finally figure out what the hell happened to make him paralyzed. When he wakes up after the blast, in the woods, he's a mute. He also sees a naked Desmond run by. Oh good, he's alive. Naked, but alive. He goes back to camp and Charlie runs into him. They wonder where he's been and he can't answer. He decides to build a sweat lodge and locks himself in there while a reluctant Charlie watches.

In his flashback we learn that after the crap his father pulled, Locke joined a commune. He picked up a young kid, played nicely and handsomely by the kid who played Tom Cruise's son in War of the Worlds. The kid ended up being a cop who thought the commune was building a bomb. Come to find out, it was just marijuana. Sooo much better then a bomb. The head commune peeps were mad at Locke and he said he'd take care of it. He took the kid in the woods and threaten to kill him, but he didn't, thankfully, and the kid walked away. We DID NOT find out how he got paralyzed.

Back on the island Locke had some visions in the sweat lodge, because of the drugs he took, and Boone showed up to take him for a journey. He was basically just high and all his demons were there in the airport. Eventually some beast jumped out towards him and he fell out of the sweat lodge and it scared the hell out of me. He got his voice back and told Charlie he was going to find Eko. Yes! Eko. He said he thought the polar bear had him. Charlie reminded him that Sawyer killed the bear, and then Locke reminded him that he called "a" bear. Locke eventually tracked Eko down and they found him in the bear cave. Locke had to fight the bear off a bit, who looked really pissed. And why wouldn't he be pissed? He's hot as hell in that coat.

Locke and Charlie dragged Eko back and as they stopped for water, Eko wakes up. He tells Locke that he's going to find Sawyer, Jack and Kate, who they know, now because Hurley's back, were taken by the others. He tells Locke he'll find them because he's a hunter. When Charlie comes back a moment later, Eko's passed out again. We realize that he was never awake to begin with.

Hurley finds a naked Desmond in the woods, and luckily gives him a shirt to cover up, and it goes down to nearly his knees. Funny moment here, small skinny guy in a fat man's shirt. Hurley tells Desmond about Sawyer and the gang and Desmond tells him not to worry, something about Locke's little speech. Huh? Locke hasn't made a speech. Interesting. When Locke and Charlie do get back though, guess what? He makes a speech about how they'll find their people and blah blah blah. Oh, and they introduce two new people. I forget their names but the one is hot.

I don't know if the last episode was good because it was all Sawyer, or if it was just good. We do get a lovely glimpse into his past, and not what has been a sorta boring, yeah, we already kinda knew this, stuff. He's in jail, for what we find out later, is the Long Con from last season with that chick. He runs into a new inmate who he realizes has hidden $10 million. He convinces the guy to trust him because the warden will eventually find out where the money is and take it for himself. Look, he's conning him. Conning is sexy.

Speaking of conning, Cassidy, his Long Con shows up. She tells him that he has a daughter, who he denies is his. She tells him they live in Albuquerque or somewhere like that and she named her Clementine. Poor kid. Father denies her and her name is Clementine. Double whammy. Sawyer finally talks the guy into telling him where the money in and he in turn tells the warden who's worked out a plea. He gets set free and he has some money coming to him for finding the stolen money. He wants them to set up an account in Clementine's name, but to not let her know who it's from. Sweet, although, I would think it'd be somewhat obvious, seeing there's no one else in the world who would give her money and her father just found out about her.

Back on the island he and Kate are hanging out in the cages. She's looking mighty dirty. They don't know yet that they're being watched and Sawyer tells Kate that he's figured out what to do. Since the food dispenser gives out an electric shock he creates a puddle of water and when someone stands in it, he's going to hold onto them and push the food button, causing them to get shocked.

Ben comes out and he tests it but nothing happens. Ben then beats Sawyer up pretty bad. Sawyer then finds himself on a table as some of the Others stand over him with a big ass needle. Wait, that didn't come out right, it's not an "ass" needle, it's just one of those Pulp Fiction, I hope that thing is never near me because I would puke, kinda needles. Two losers are trying to figure out the right spot to plunge the needle. While this is going on, Jack is in his cell and over the "broken" intercom, hears Sawyer screaming.

Before they can plunge the needle in we cut to him waking up later. He's still strapped down and Ben brings in a rabbit in a cage. He shakes it to demonstrate that the rabbit has been given a pace maker, just like he has, that if his heart rate goes above a certain point, you know, if he tries to escape, it'll administer a devastating shock that will explode his heart. Yikes, that's not cool. Ben also says that if he tells Kate when they get back, they'll put one in her chest too.

When he gets back to the cage Kate tries to get out of him what happened but he won't say. She wonders about the watch and he tells her to back off. Zeek gives her a change of clothes (I think he's sorta sweet on her) and as she's changing Sawyer peeks and his heart rate goes up. Luckily he pours some water on himself.

The Others then bring Trixie back and she's not looking too good. Juliet eventually goes to get Jack who she traipse through past Sawyer and Kate who try and yell for him, but they have blaring sirens to drown them out. Couldn't they have taken him around back? Anyway, as he goes into the operating room he sees an X-ray on the board. I'm thinking it's Sawyer's. He works on Trixie for about two minutes and then she dies.

The guy who's her husband is the guy who likes to start stuff with Sawyer. He goes out to the cage and beats him up, causing his heart to race and his alert bracelet to start going off. He eventually asks Kate if she loves Sawyer as he beats him. She yells finally that she does.

Later, when he's cleaning his wounds, Kate says she just said that so he would stop beating him. Then she shimmies her way out of the cage, through the top and starts trying to break Sawyer out. He convinces her though that he's going to stay, get the lay of the land, and he wants her to run. Instead, she gets back in her cage and says, "Live together, die alone". Oh wow, she's a poet all of the sudden.

In with Trixie's dead body, Juliet admits that she tried her best, but she's just a fertility doctor. Jack says some encouraging words about how Trixie would have died anyway. He then wonders about that X-Ray, that it's a man who has a tumor on his spine. Oh, and isn't it convenient he's a spine surgeon. He wants her to just tell him what they want him to do.

Over on the other side of the island things are getting weird. Desmond comes to Claire and tells her that he wants to fix her roof. She's a little freaked out by him and doesn't want to do it. He then goes on a mission and starts building something, using a golf club from the new hot guy whose name I still don't know. Rodrigo maybe. Something sexy and Latin. Anyway, he builds something into the sand that stands real tall with the golf club at the end. It starts thundering and lighting and raining real hard. Suddenly, the gold club turns into a lightening rod and lighting strikes it. It just happens to be right next to Claire's tent. Claire seems to figure out that if he hadn't made that rod, because she hadn't moved, she'd be dead from the lightening. Maybe they should start listening to Desmond.

Finally, Ben takes Sawyer for a walk. Up the mountain and threw the woods, things like that. When Sawyer's heart monitor starts going off he gets concerned. Finally Ben turns around and tells him that it was all a lie, that they never put anything into his heart. He then shows him what's at the top of the mountain. A gorgeous view. It's of another island, which Ben tells Sawyer is the island all his friends are on. The island they're currently on is the size of Alcatraz, and like Alcatraz, they're no escaping. Damn. He then says that the only way to get a con man's respect is to con him, that Sawyer's good, but the Others are better. I'm sorry, the only con they told him was that they put a pace maker in his heart. It's not like they made him believe they were conning him and then turned around and stole the money you got from your husband and ran away. Sawyer's much better.

Okay, as I just wrote that I realized that all the shows were good, it was just that last one with Sawyer was better. Maybe it was because of this:

FOOFY FOOFY

I apologize for not keeping everyone up to date on the status of Flavor of Love. I know it's your favorite show and all, but I've been distracted by less interesting shows like Lost and Grey's Anatomy. Both shows I'll have recaps on soon.

Well, the Flavor of Love season came to an end. He got rid of Bootz because she said she wouldn't have sex before she was married. Yeah, like we're supposed to believe that one. And he got rid, finally of Krazy because that ho was just trying to get a recording contract. A few weeks before that he got rid of Buckwild, which was really upsetting to me. She may have been fake and stupid, and ghetto, but I liked her. She couldn't stand it that New York was back in town. New York was some crazy bitch from the first season who everyone hated.

Flav didn't care about her craziness, at least not in contrast with possible ratings, and kept New York on until the end. It was her and Deelishis left and they went down to Belize for some one on one dates. Which was really, two nights that Flav could have sex with the girls. I'm all about love and people being in love and love love love, but this love was gross. As crazy as New York is, she's still an attractive woman, and it was clear Flav just wanted to do her.

She was going to play hard to get though, and left his drunk ass in his room by himself at the end of the night. Then she brushed her teeth, packed a bag and went back over there for stuff I can't talk about or I'll throw up on myself.

Anyway, the next day he ended up choosing Deelishis, clearly the best woman there. I mean, yeah, she's on a reality show, but she's still somewhat decent. I guess anyway. New York flipped out and Flav gave Deelishis some gold teeth to seal the deal. Nothing like some gold teeth from your man to say he loves you. Actually, I'd go for that and then melt that crap down for some cash.

I was really looking forward to the reunion show this past weekend, but it was so ridiculous. La La from MTV hosted. I don't know who she is exactly, but she's much better then that Suzi girl who hosts the Real World reunions. Anyway, they brought back a girl from season 1, her name was Goldie. She was just embarrassing. If you looked up "Ghetto Trash" in the dictionary there'd be a picture of her. I don't know if the dictionary actually lists "Ghetto Trash", but if they did, it'd be her.

The girls got to confront Flav, and then finally New York, who everyone hated. She didn't come off as as much of a biatch as she did on the show, but she's crazy. The audience must love her though because Flav told us that she's doing her own show. I love it. Trash! And Krazy got up to sing. I fast forwarded it because it was just so God awful. Buckwild threw a shoe at New York's head and it missed. This pissed La La off and sent half the girls to the stage for some fighting. The whole show was dumb and Deelishis and Flav were finally able to see each other after 4 months. It was gross, but more power to them. It came out today that Flav is expecting his 7th child with some mystery woman, not Deelishis so maybe he wasn't that lonely during those 4 months.

EVER WANNA SLAP A BEAUTY QUEEN?

I do. I want to slap these bitches silly. I don't normally like calling women bitches, but these girls... bitch is the nicer word I thought of. I would tell you the other word but it's not very lady like. Over the past few weeks the "Beauty Queens" have acted nothing like I would assume women who go through charm school would act.

This seasons The Race has shown us time and time again something called "Karma" and I'm waiting until the day Karma comes and bites those bitches in the ass, because right now, Karma's just taking care of my two favorite teams, which I'm okay with, but come on Karma, catch up!

Instead of matching uniforms, they have matching bras

In the past few weeks we lost the father/lesbian daughter team Duke and Lauren when Duke decided to spend all their money taking a local woman to her brother's house. Okay, so he didn't realize at the time she was swindling him, but man, I would have kicked her out of the car when I found out, but he didn't. Because of that they ended up having to walk from challenge to challenge. We thought maybe Tom and Terry would get kicked off since they disobeyed the rules, and you never disobey Phil! But alas, it wasn't their turn.

Yeah, that'll work

Their turn came the week after, when the teams were in Vietnam. This was one of our first glimpses of karma when the Cho brothers took a real moment of silence at the prison where Senator John McCain was held in honor of him and the soldiers now fighting. It propelled them to 1st place, and poor Tom and Terry got all screw up during the Detour. One of them ended up swimming in front and pulling their boat. I don't know how smart that was, but it was touching.

"Oh look, we wear powdered blue, we're cool, and bitches"

We got our first glimpse also that the bitch queens are just that. At the travel agency they were fourth in line, but when Tom and Terry walked too far, the girls immediately saw an opening and went to what should have been Tom and Terry's agent. I can sorta see their mistake, but personally I would have then apologized and then let them have her, but they didn't. In Vietnam we also realized what a bastard Peter was when he made Sarah do this horrific climb up a mountain. The whole time I was screaming at the TV, "doesn't he realize she only has one leg". And of course, she does that and makes it and then in the Detour he bitches and complains and wants to quit. He's an ass.

Yes, sometimes seeds talk to you. Like if you're DUMB!

Luckily his ass didn't stay around much longer. But first, the teams headed to India. The Cho brothers tried to throw Peter off their track, and pretended, with a fake cell phone, that they were calling ahead to book some tickets. It sorta backfired though because then Peter was more determined to get ahead of them. He tried to make an alliances with the Queen Bitches, but as soon as they started booking their tickets, the girls didn't share any information. Was he really surprised at that? Luckily after much yelling and complaining and weird shots of her crying and Peter just looking around or eating like nothing happened, Sarah finally told us that maybe Peter wasn't the person for her. Ya think?


Awe

Unfortunately, David and Mary, along with their alliance of the Cho brothers and Alabama, decide to take a chance and fly to the connecting city without tickets to their final destination. Alabama was able to hop on that flight, but David and Mary weren't able to, and were forced to take a flight that was about an hour later. So they were destined to get kicked off. When they arrived at the mat last though, Phil told them that they were not eliminated. Yay! He also said they'd get to keep all their belongings, but the twist this year was that if they came in anything other then 1st on the next leg, they'd get a 30 minute penalty, which of course could or couldn't knock them into last place.

When the next episode started, I was afraid for my Kentucky team. The teams found out they'd be going to Kuwait City where they had to find Kuwait Towers, a looming landmark. One by one they arrived there and pulled numbers. Everyone eventually bunched up and when the place opened, they opened the next clue, which was a Roadblock. It had a Fast Forward in it, something David and Mary really needed. Because of their alliance, and the fact that they're just nice guys, the Cho brothers blocked the Bitch Queens from going down in the elevator, and pretended they were going for it to, so David and Mary could have it all to themselves. Why those dumb bitches wanted it, being in the front of the pack, but I guess that's why they're dumb bitches.

Run Sheikh Abdul! Run!

David and Mary went off, did the Fast Forward and ended up coming in in first place. Yay again! The other teams finally finished the Roadblock and Alabama got directions from a man right as the Queen Bitches walked up. 'Bama encouraged the guy not to answer them and he didn't. When the bitches finally got in the car, they called 'Bama the "sistas". Yeah, I really do hate them.

The teams then found out the next clue led them to the Detour. This was the dumbest choice ever. You could fill up ten 110 pound bags of feed, and carry it aways, or you could strap a mechanical jockey on the back of a camel and all he has to do is run for a hundred or so yards. Nearly everyone decided to do the bags of feed. Huh? Tyler and James and Peter and Sarah decided to go for the jockeys. Everyone else fills up the feed bags and are done, by the time Tyler and James reach the jockey thing and do it, quickly. They get to the Pit Stop second to last. When Peter and Sarah finally show up at the jockey thing, the message tells them to just go to the Pit Stop. I guess this isn't another non-elimination round. They were eliminated. And thank goodness for that, if he yelled at Sarah one more time to "hurry up" I would have flown through the TV. HELLO, SHE HAS ONE LEG YOU ASSHOLE.

"Look bitch, you can wipe that stupid look off your face or I'll do it for you"

Then last episode the groups made their way back to the Indian island of Mauritius. I knew this girl once from there, she was BITCH. Those Queen Bitches will fit right in. Speaking of bitches, at the airport, Alabama arrived at the ticketing agent just after the bitches and Tyler and James after them. Because the bitches are just that, bitches, they decided to book Tyler and James tickets too. Um, why? Oh right, THEY'RE BITCHES. Just to screw with 'Bama. I'm sorry, I was totally on Alabama's side on this. That was messed up. The girls got irate and damn if I didn't want one of them to smack one of those bitches, but they didn't. Then Tyler and James started to get all rude with 'Bama, who had a right to be pissed. I think the guys were just upset that they got dragged in the middle of it and because 'Bama was so irate, it made them irate. But then they started doing the mocking neck action, and that was where they lost me.

I really want to keep liking Tyler and James, but it's getting harder with their attitude towards the "backpack" which is what they and I guess Rob and Kimberly and the bitches, call the "six pack of 'Bama, the Cho brothers and Kentucky. Um, isn't it Tyler and James who've come in second to last the last two legs? I believe it was. Well, here comes Karma! Tyler and James got lost in the city. Even though Rob and Kimberly are constantly arguing, and Rob treats locals sorta like crap, I definitely prefer them over those bitches. Their car actually stops working and they have to get a new one.

Let's take a moment in this hectic race to embrace the important things in life

The teams find the boat they were looking for and have to swim out to it. Those dumb bitches are there first and swim out, probably a few hundred yards, which can't be easy, especially in the ocean. The Cho brothers finish and decide to wait for their "six pack" while they finish the challenge. We know that 'Bama wouldn't have done that for them, since they said it earlier, but these are nice guys. Tyler and James show up as the other teams are finishing, and see the Chos waiting for 'Bama and Kentucky. In their download they think that the Chos are just aligning themselves with the weaker teams so they can take out the strong teams and then have the weaker ones with them at the finals. Um, this isn't Survivor Tyler or James, or whichever one is talking. There's no sense in that, if they arent' the "weaker" team then they wouldn't have come in second to last in the last two legs. Turd.

This was not the week to quit eating salt

The two other teams finally make it to shore and they decide to do what seems to me is the easier task. They decide to search through a gazillion mounds of salt for a salt shaker that has their next clue. During this whole part I could not get that Salt Shaker song out of my head. "Shake it like a salt shaker! Shake it like a salt shaker!". Anyway, the Chos and Kentucky dutifully wait for 'Bama to get in their car and they go off. Where I don't find this alliance the best idea for the Cho brothers, I do understand their amazing sweetness.

Haha, there's Karma!

A few of the teams decide to do the other Detour, which is to take a boat to some island, look around the island with some rudimentary map and find the sails that go on the boats, attach them, and sail back. On their way to the sail boats, the bitches have a crash. The dumbest one crashes into a bus. Unfortunately Karma's not that great and they get on their way, busted car and all, and make it to the island first. They do get lost though and I'm praying that one of them breaks their ankle. I would say sprain, but I'm not cruel, I know a sprain hurts worse then a break. At the salt field, the six pack, Rob and Kimberly, and Tyler and James, try for awhile to do this, but it's looking like it's just going to be hours and hours looking for the shakers. Everyone but Kentucky opt to do the other task. This reminds me of when the girls from a few seasons ago were doing the hay bails. David decides that maybe this isn't the best one for them to do, since they could be there all night, and they follow the rest of the team to the boat Detour, definitely in last place.

I am so sad, although they catch up to the other two six back teams at the island. 'Bama's in the back of the pack as they race to the Pit Stop. The Chos say that when they get there they'll run as fast as they can to the mat. Kentucky says that they'll wait for the 'Bama girls as the 'Bama girls say they're not waiting for anybody. But it's really a moot point when David and Mary decide not to follow them off one road and the Chos and 'Bama make it to Phil first. Phil recognizes that 'Bama is sad and one of them says because they know who's in sixth.

I wonder which one is Miss New York

Sure enough, David and Mary come up what seems like only a few minutes after and Phil tells them that they're the last to arrive. But then he says that it's a non-elimination leg. WHAT?!? I love it!!! Two in three is amazing!!! Again, they don't have anything taken away, but they have to come in first again. Some people who aren't familiar with production may think the producers are rigging this. I promise you, they aren't. The Amazing Race is an intricate, closely woven schedule. These producers have scouted and made arrangements for all 12 or however many legs there are. There's no way they could say, in the middle, that they're going to change the plan. They've predetermined all of this stuff. It's not man made, it's Karma!