Sweet Baby Jesus, Mary and JosephLast Sunday was the season finale of Survivor, and if you haven't heard, you need to get your head out of the sand. Okay, out? I'll give you a quick telling of the story. About the lies, speeches, and the moment we always dread, when the final three make it to Hollywood after a few months of eating right and showers and typically look much, much worse. How is that even possible. I wasn't able to find that many good pictures, but use your imagation, I did, and I know you've got one.
So the last few episodes were a bit exciting. Most of it involved the Femullet. She was the swing vote on a few Tribals and she definitely changed the game. None of that helped her and she still didn't win the money, but she won something else, and no, I'm not talking about a haircut. I'm talking about the wrath of lunch ladies around the world, and especially in her home town.
Mr. Tvgrrrl was on his way to the top three. Okay, that's a lie, but in my mind he wins it all, we find each other in Hollywood and we go on to have a fun, happy, sexy life with lots of fun and happy babies. It was down to Skinny Bitch, Amanda, The Queen, Token Asian, and the man I were to marry if anything happens to my one true husband, Jack Bauer. Or, Bear Grylls, or that hottie from Moonlight, Mick St. John. So MTVG is fourth in line, but hey, if you're going to be loved by Tvgrrrl you would wait. You know what I'm saying? Of course you do.
So Femullet was the deciding vote in going with TA and MTVG and either securing her place in the finals, or sticking with her original alliance, the Queen, Skinny Bitch, and Amanda, which, who was she kidding, would get her out as soon as they got rid of the other two. And because to be a lunch lady you don't need a high school diploma, she decided she wanted to be number four. Now, I would have accepted this if she would have given a speech and said, "I know this will probably guarantee me NOT winning, but my integrity is more important to me then a million dollars." But she didn't. So she voted my future fourth husband out, and then voted TA out too, leaving her with just the other three in her original alliance.
At this point I was really pulling for Amanda. I know she organized the whole James oust, but if we think about it, that was pretty good move on her part. Later, in the reunion show, Jeff asks James about that fateful decision not to play one of the TWO idols he had. Yeah, he feels dumb. But don't worry about our little gravedigger, he won the fan favorite award and got 100 Gs. I love that guy.
So it's down to four and there's a moment when you think maybe the Queen will be voted out, but he's not, he stays in and Femullet leaves. Buh-bye. So the three left standing are not really my favorties, by any means, but I have to say, the Queen played one hell of a game. I like Amanda the most and Skinny Bitch... What can I say about Skinny Bitch. Besides her name summing her up, she truly is a biatch in the worst sense. In her download she tells us that she's skated through this and slipped through the cracks. I think about how I can make a really funny joke at this on my blog but then realize it's way too easy. WAY TOO EASY.
Now it's time for my least favorite part, the final Tribal council. This is where the catty bitches really come out. James starts, and from what happened to him, I'm expecting, like years past, for him to rip people a new one, but wait, he's not. He's actually going to be cool, not bitter, and ask them a silly question. Not that I blame him for not being catty, but he could have at least asked a question that had some meaning. Like, "If you could do one member of the jury, who would it be and why?" I love you James, but you could have thought of something.
We go through all the ousted tribe members and the person who surprises me the most with her rudeness is Jamie. Do you remember her? I don't. I know I called her something and can't even remember that. Oh, The Blonde. I think. The only thing good about it is she's totally rude to SB. Love it! Then Jean-Robert comes up and I'm expecting the worst. In fact, everybody is. He asks the Queen WTF was up with him voting him out. I get angry at first, but then realize that he never did get an explanation, like we did. The Queen tells him, like he told us, that JR came up with the same idea he had, which, let him, the Queen, know that JR was coming up with the same strategy, and was now a threat, so he got rid of him. This shut JR up, and was awesome. That was the single most defining moment.
Femullet came up and cried about it, boo hoo. Most everyone else was pretty tame. Then everyone voted and we saw that each person, even SB, got one vote. Femullet voted for SB, I'm assuming since Amanda and the Queen excluded her on a reward on the last day.
Jeff then goes to tally the votes and when he comes back tells us that he's going to read the votes, tonight. Even though I was alone in my apartment I screamed a little. But then Jeff said that they're in Hollywood and it pulls back to the soundstage. I had to rewind that because it did not look different and you damn producers had me fooled. We then see all of the contestant, a few months later, waiting for the results. They look bad.
The Queen, was actually starting to look attractive with a rough beard and longer spikey hair. And I know this sounds crazy, but SB actually looked better skinny. And what's with the bangs on her and Amanda, not working. Ew.
So Jeff starts to read the votes, and damn if SB didn't get another one. We know who that was, right? Frosti. He wants to get into this skinny pants. I think I just threw up in my mouth. (BTW- I confirmed with CBS that he was her other vote) The Queen gets two and Amanda gets one. Now it's the last vote, which means it's either going to be a tie, between SB and the Queen, or the Queen will win. Thank the Lords of Kobol it's the Queen. He and his faux mullet win it all.
After they celebrate and he does some awkward crying, JR lets us now that it was how he answered the questions that cinched it for him, and even though he said to him on the island that if he voted him out he would make sure that the Queen wouldn't win, he changed his mind at the last minute.
James then wins the fan favorite after 45 minutes of useless banter and not enough shots of MTVG, who apparently is now dating the Blonde and is still a virgin. What? Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with her. If he were my boyfriend... I'm just sayin'. Then Jeff asks Femullet about her lunch lady status and apparently she didn't get her job back when she returned and is now the custodian. Wow, that totally sucks. After the break, before the end of the show, Jeff tells us that mega rich producer Mark Burnett told him at the break that he's going to give Femullet $50,000. Wow, that is so generous, and pathetic. I mean, not on his part. This is a hand out and not a very good one. Because you have some sad story he's going to give her $50,000? Good for her and all, but still, cut your hair. We did find out, in the last few days, that Femullet lied! Apparently she got PROMOTED to custodian before she left, because, according to the superintendent of schools in Podunk, she now has higher pay and benefits. What the frak?
So this is how it goes. The good news is they've moved up the premiere of the next season (thanks striking writers!) and it will now be in February. It's "fans" versus "favorites". I love this idea. I hope the favorites kick their asses. Although, not that I watched it, but when they did the Real World/Road Rules Challenge on MTV with fans it BLEW. They haven't announced the cast, but we know that one person who was in this past season will be in it. PLEASE LET IT BE JAMES.
