LET THE RACE BEGIN!

From the archives. I've missed you Phil. And your balls.

We finally got to the new season of the BEST reality show on television. The Emmy Award winning Amazing Race. And boy was it amazing. For a recap of the teams, go here.

Phil (awe, Phil, I've missed your camel toe) starts us off introducing all the teams. I think my assessment from before is right on. He tells us that there are 11 pit stops and 8 are elimination. So I'm trying to think if that means the last pit stop doesn't count, or if there will be three that are non elimination. Didn't I have this question last year?

Anyway, he does his countdown and they all go running off. I'm so hoping someone falls, but to my chagrin everybody makes it to their packs. They learn they're flying to Ireland. They take off, oh, wait, now's the time to mention that this starting line is in Los Angeles. And not just that, it's at the Playboy mansion. This is so odd to me. First off, isn't this a family show? And second off, if you're going to mention that, at least show a shot of that Viargra-loving Hugh Heffner. Seriously, I want to see Heff! Alas, no Heff. Not even any bunnies.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, they go to their cars, that are parked in the row. Why people don't choose the one closest to the front I'll never know. The grandpa/grandson get in the first vehicle and decide it's time to count their money. Sweet Jesus I could watch paint dry faster then this. Some of the other teams seem to have a problem with this too and start honking. At first, I have no problem with their mentality and wonder why the other teams are honking. They're all going to the same place, and because you stupidly picked one of the back cars you'll have to wait anyway. But then I realized these people have a plane to catch. Come on Gramps!




TK and Rachel. She's tiny. Excpet for her head.

I'm delighted when the black team, whose names I don't know and will probably never know because they're way too hard to spell and pronounce, turn the right way on Sunset. But then they second guess themselves and turn around. Luckily, all the teams I think I'm going to like turn the right way and make their way to the freeway. I would TOTALLY rock this part of the game. You know what would be sweet? If they could bring a turn by turn navigator. I know that would completely ruin the game, but would be so helpful.

Half the groups go the wrong way and I just laugh, since these people probably DROVE to the Playboy mansion or were driven there so they should know which direction the freeway is. And if I was doing The Race, and I knew I was starting in Los Angeles, I'd at least know the right freeway to get onto to make it to the airport. They've probably had at least a week there to research. Dumb. Ya knew you were going to the airport. DON'T. FEEL. SORRY. I mean, I don't.



Seriously. Which one is the dude?

Eventually they all make it to the airport and get on two flights, one getting in forty five minutes later then the first. My two favorite teams, TK & Rachel and the black team, end up on the second flight. But my other fave team, with the guy who I think I know, Jason and Lorena, are on the first flight. Okay, so I have four favorite teams, my other one being the Asian father and daughter team. They're on the second flight as well and the black team and Asian team join forces. Yay! Unity! They call ahead (to Ireland!?!?) using another passenger's cell phone and order two cabs. I think I know where this is going.

When they get off the plane, which has landed earlier then the first flight because of delays, Ari and Staella, decide to get into the waiting cab. When Ron, the dad, tries to confront Ari, he just gets in and steals the car. He then tells us, while still in the cab, that he stole the car, but he doesn't care. I hate him. He's like Ross the Intern from the Tonight Show, but he's a dick. He's one of those reality show whores who tries to play the game like a past participant did. Did I mention that I hate him? The black team... okay, Azaria & Hendekea (see?!) get in their waiting cab and Ron and Christina have to wait for another cab to come along. This blows. Luckily Karma comes around and the cab R&C get totally pass Ross the Intern and his partner. Haha, eat it Ross!

By the time the last team in that group, TK and Rachel, get their cab, the first, er, second, flight comes in. Now this is a race! This is why I love this show. Things can change in a heartbeat. And I love it when teams think they have this amazing lead and then realize that they're last. Unfortunately, everybody bunches up when they get to the ferry dock. They have to take the ferry over to the island, or whatever it is, to find the smallest church in the world and sign up for another ferry to take them back. They're in three group, half an hour increments. A few of the teams got bad directions, and we saw the first breakdown between Jennifer and Nathan. He was carrying her pack, as they raced down the street to find the church, like every good male racer does for his female teammate, and he got fed up and gave it back to her, saying he wasn't going to carry it. And then, when she couldn't run anymore, he started berating her, saying the other girls were doing it. To this she screamed, “I don’t care! Don’t compare me to other girls!” In her download she tells us that she doesn't want to spend her life with someone who treats her like this. Girl, it's the second day of the race, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? How about the next 30 days straight. Good luck on that.




"So if the botox center is here... We must be..."

The teams finally find the church and one by one they make it up the steep hill and sign up. Grandpa slips at some point and falls, tumbling down. It's not funny, but why am I laughing? They end up on the last ferry back to the mainland.

The next morning the first group of teams start off, my favorite TK and Rachel and Jason and Lorena take off with the goth kids, who, as much as they irritated the crap out of me in the beginning, they're really growing on me. Jason and Lorena had decided to drive in a caravan with the other teams, but he decided to head off without them. I think he was just driving faster, not doing it to be an ass. He took off and Lorena told him to slow down, but he didn't. She also told him he was going the wrong way and he didn't listen. Eventually she did start to raise her voice, because really, why wouldn't you if someone wasn't listening to you? Finally he decided to stop, and guess what, he went the wrong way. Luckily it wasn't as bad as it could have been, since where they are is fairly small, they just took the long way around.





TK and Rachel and the goths get to the first Roadblock of the season. Woohoo! In this Roadblock, the teams must choose between, oh wait, no, that's a Detour. In this Roadblock, one team member must... right. Sorry Phil. One of the team members has to ride a bike across a tight rope sorta thing with the other team member underneath hanging on. It looks pretty damn scary. Once they get across the cliffside, they have to choose a donkey, load something that looks like cowpies into a basket on the donkey, and walk him a mile or so to a guy who will give them their next clue. Easy enough, right?






This is where most of the teams caught up. And this is where we learned not to be an ass to your ass. A few of the teams, like Azaria & Hendekea, got donkeys that actually wanted to run, which was great. Kinda hard to keep up with them, but better then what the donkeys did for some other teams. In particular Nathan and Jennifer. I think the donkey senses the evil in her, and wanted to cause them trouble because he would NOT move for anything. They stood there, pushing and yelling at the donkey while other teams passed them by. They were in second or third place.




Pull Ross, pull!

Then Karma decided to rear it's beautiful head. Ross and his partner, Areola or whatever, got the donkey from hell. He did not for the life of him want to move. In fact, he wanted to go back to where they got him. So you know I've decided I'm getting a pet donkey. They are the smartest creatures on Earth.

TK and Rachel finish their task and headed to the first pit stop, where for the only time during the season Phil told us that someone WILL be eliminated. Azaria & Hendekea were right behind them. Unfortunately, TK and Rachel turned the wrong way. Azaria knew exactly where it was they were headed though, and they raced to the pit stop for first place. Yay! Black people rule! The goths took second, and TK and Rachel took third. I am SO happy with that.





As the other teams started finishing the race the last ferry arrived and were getting their donkeys into gear. Nathan and Jennifer were still struggling with their donkey, and the tears started. Hahaha. I'm an evil bitch. Ross and Staella still hadn't made it more then what looked like 20 yards from the start of the donkey part. So it was the battle of the asses, in more ways then one. Finally, Nathan and Jennifer got their donkey moving and made it to the mat. Poor Ross. He and his partner came in dead last and got eliminated. They did mention that stealing that cab maybe pissed Karma off a bit. Hahah, yeah.

FRAK YOU YOU FRAKKIN' WRITERS!

I just read this on the Variety website...

On the programming front, Fox said it would delay the planned season premiere of "24" indefinitely, citing uncertainty over the strike's duration as the reason.


I'm feeling faint. I have no words.

DEAL WITH IT BITCH!

No pictures of MTVG this episode, so here's one from before. Ssiiggghh!


Survivor is getting good, y'all. We finally got a merge and damnit if it wasn't an exciting tribal. My heart was pounding and my palms were sweating. It was good!

The show starts off with the anorexic's tribe coming back after voting off Sherea. Jean-Robert decided to talk to the anorexic about her feelings towards him and she tried to tell him that he was an ass, but her arguments were pretty bad. "You treat me bad." Boo freakin' hoo. Just shut up and eat something. Seriously, she should be foraging for some grubs or something. She's close to death. She called out the Queen and Amanda about sucking up to JR, which they sorta do. But they're playing the game you waif. She tells us in her download that the Queen and Amanda mistake her disliking them the least, as friendship. And the girl wonders why nobody likes her. Why is she still there? She sucks major shakaka at the challenges, her arguments for keeping people are purely selfish (which means she'll save her own butt when the time comes, what's left of it anyway) and she's just a complete jerk to everyone. Really. Why is she there? The Queen tells us later that that's just the way they're playing the game and that the anorexic should "Deal with it, bitch". OMG, I'm kinda starting to love the Queen.







Back at the other camp, James realizes he has to get that second (not so hidden) immunity idol from the entryway thingy. When the other people go off to the river, he works on getting the idol off, but takes the wrong one, without the writing on the back. He throws it on the ground and hurriedly picks off the other one. He laughs to us, with us, that he now has both of the idols, since he still has the other one the Queen and Amanda plucked off and gave to him before. I love this game.







Later at James' camp, they're all laying around and Blondie notices something's missing over the archway. Ya think? Glad you're not in a helicopter trying to spot a lost Boy Scout or something. She and MTVG find the (non) idol on the ground and Jamie immediately hides it, getting excited that they probably just found the other idol. Later that night, as the token Asian and James are out trying to get some food, Blondie goes through James bag. She finds the two idols, but doesn't unwrap James' clothes to actually look at them, so she's convinced that the idol she has is the real thing, not knowing that the real ones have writing on them. OMG, this is the best ever.



James eventually realizes the piece he discarded isn't on the ground anymore and figures Blondie and/or MTVG probably took it think that's the immunity idol. He laughs, and I laugh, about how wonderful this would be if they actually played it at tribal. Yeah James, we're with you on that, I would LOVE IT. Blondie's been getting on my nerves, especially since she went into James' bag and is hitting on Mr. Tvgrrrl.




The next day they all come together and Jeff tells them to drop their buffs. Everyone is actually happy to merge, especially Blondie who tells us that this is actually good for her since she has the (non) immunity idol and can play it since she'll probably be on the chopping block. One can only hope! Jeff then tells them that they'll have their typical merge feast, and he makes a point to remind them that the game never stops. Uh oh, I feel a questions challenge coming on.


They all make it to the feast and it's pretty cool. There are Chinese fireworks, dancers, food, rain, it looks like a lot of fun and a few of them do a few shots. I'm sorry, but drinking alcohol is the last thing I'd be worried about. Actually, because of the toilet situation, eating would be too, but I'd make myself. I'd probably also make sure the anorexic ate as much as she could. Seriously, the girl is close to death.





When they get back to camp they decide to rename their tribe something dumb. Black Mamba or something like that. Jeff then shows up at the camp and they seem less then enthusiastic about his arrival. I'd be going apeshite for a clean man right about then, but hey, that's just me. He tells them that it's time for their first individual immunity challenge and it'll take place right there. I was right, it's all about the feast they had the day before, and how much they can remember. I'm thinking JR has this nailed because he was the only one who told us before the feast that he knew what Jeff was doing by telling them the game is always on.


The game starts and JR gets out pretty early. Eventually it gets down to Blondie and Frosti and I'm hoping to the Lords of Kobol that it's Frosti because I seriously want Blondie to play that (non) idol at tribal. My wish comes true and Frosti wins immunity.

The rest of the show is people trying to figure out who should be voted out. Token Asian's old tribe figures out that a lot of people don't like JR, and their best bet would be to vote for him and hopefully some people, like the anorexic, will vote for him too. Frosti realizes he's probably the swing vote, since he has alliances is both tribes, and that this is going to be the most important vote yet. Token Asian realizes she's on the chopping block and tells Blondie that one of them is probably going, unless they can pull James and Frosti on their side. MTVG and Blondie approach Frosti and tell him that they found the (non) immunity idol. Frosti, of course having seen the real one, just plays along with it. I'm thanking the Lords of Kobol that Frosti doesn't tell them the truth. Now if it was MTVG who was on the chopping block I'd be sending my vibes out hard core that Frosti says something. But since it's not, buh-bye.







The Queen and JR talk about who's the best to vote out. The Queen says he thinks Blondie is the stealth leader of the few other tribe. But JR doesn't agree. He thinks the Token Asian is the biggest threat to him, since he likes her, and after a few days of being with her, he may not be able to vote her out, so getting rid of her now is a good idea. Um, that should be a BIG sign Queen. JR then gets all Godfather-like with the Queen and says that if he back stabs him or if anyone else decides to go against their alliance, that he'll hold the Queen responsible and if he makes it to the final two he'll do everything in his power to make everyone else vote against him to win. Damn. Calm down, son. The Queen just agrees to this. And this is when I'd think that maybe voting JR out now is a good idea. All he'd have to do is convince Frosti or one other person, maybe Femullet, to vote JR that night, so he'd be out quickly. I'm hoping he's smart, like I am. Blondie then finds the Queen and makes him a proposition. She says that if he keeps her in the game, then tomorrow, she'll tell him who has the two immunity idols. Since the Queen already knows this, he just nods and laughs about it later to us. Blondie thinks she's pretty damn smart, and as she pats herself on the back, I just laugh and laugh, because she's probably watching this back somewhere in Alabama or wherever the hell she's from regretting every dumb word coming out of her mouth. It's not clear when they go to tribal who they're going to vote out.

At tribal Jeff immediately asks JR about how he feels in the game. JR then talks about the anorexic, saying nobody really sees her as a threat, when she is. I think that's because when she turns sideways she disappears so people don't remember she's there. But can I say that this is an amazing observation and 100% TRUE. The anorexic doesn't like this much, and gets all whiny. Please someone slap her.







Everybody goes to vote and I'm holding my breath. When the hell is Jeff going to ask them to present the immunity idol? Right before the votes are read Blondie interrupts Jeff and you see James practically jumping out of his skin with laughter. Blondie tells Jeff that she'd like to present the (non) immunity idol. She takes it to Jeff, all proud of herself. Jeff looks at it and tells them that if someone has the immunity idol, then this would be the time to play it. DRAMATIC PAUSE. But this is NOT the immunity idol. He then tosses it into the fire. BAD ASS JEFF, BAD ASS. JR sighs a loud sigh of relief, because he knew what that meant.


Jeff tallys the votes, and it's Blondie was gets the most votes. I bet she feels really dumb. Haha. It's really funny though. I'm kinda sad for MTVG because that was his girl, but hopefully next week he'll form some alliances. Like with Frosti, Token Asian, and the anorexic. I still love James!