WHAT HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THE EFF HEROES???

Since you have that gun out, can you shoot me in the head?

I have given this show a lot of forgiveness. Maybe too much forgiveness. When a show is going downhill there's always that one show that sucks so much you truly don't know if you can go back again. Sure, it'd be nice to have Mondays at 9pm back again. The love of my life Jack Bauer is on at 9pm. But I'm an impatient bitch, I can't wait 1 minute and 30 seconds between commercials to see my Jack. If I start on the Jack train the Jack train has to continue down the track. Okay, I'm done with the train analogy.

Let's get back to the train wreck. Sorry, I lied. Anyway, Heroes. I was with you when you flashed forward at the beginning of the season. Can you believe we're only in the 3rd season? Doesn't it feel like this crap has been on for like 8 years?

Yeah, that wig is shocking, isn't it?

Like I was saying, I was with you when you flashed forward to a few years later. Matt and Daphne were a happy couple, Sylar had a baby named Noah, and even though it was dumb, I was okay with Claire being a bad-ass bounty hunter type. Okay, I'm there.

Flash forward to the eclipse episode. Everyone loses their powers. Okay, that's fine. Daddy Petrelli is bad, Mamma Petrelli is having dreams still, and Peter is still hot, sorta. If I'm doubting the hotness of a hot man simply because of the dumb things that are coming out of his mouth we have a problem. Peter is hot. Nathan, on the other hand, started to turn way too dark. I think. He was good, then bad, then good, then who the hell knows, and at this point, who the hell cares. I want to, but I just don't.

This is the last time we're going to see you guys together, better be good. No? Okay.

So this half of the season is called... I don't remember. "Fugitives" maybe. Basically Nathan has teamed up with the black president, natch, to create a secret government agency to round up all the people with powers and put them in a concentration camp. Wow, so relevant. The first episode was promising. I should say, the previews for the first episode were. They round a bunch of people up, including Mohinder, Peter, Nikki/Jessica/Tracy, and Parkman. Great, I love this. But then in the first episode Claire, in her fancy wig, after Nathan releases her, sneaks onto the plane and "rescues" everyone on it, only to discover her dad, Noah, is in on the whole thing. Would you make up your damn mind about him already? Is he good or is he bad? Sheesh!

Yeah, that's how I feel too.

Then the heroes (eye roll) are split up after the plane crashes and go off. They decide to join forces to avoid capture. That lasts about 15 seconds until Matt makes them go back for Daphne, who he's seen being shot in his drawing powers that he got somehow that I forget. They go back and she gets shot. I bet if they wouldn't have gone back she would have been fine. Then we spend the next episode not talking about her and then the next three looking for her, only to find her and watch her die. Thanks for wasting my time Heroes! Plus, what's that mean about the future Matt saw? They've done NOTHING different to change the future. They don't say, "Oh, let me not do that because in the future..." So that leads me to believe that everything they're currently doing is how they get to the future, but, now that Daphne is dead, it can't mean that. What the hell Heroes????

The Heroes writers room.

Peter's powers were taken from him from his dad. Of course, when they were at Primatech or Pinehurst or whatever dumb cover company was the "evil" for last season he got some hero juice on him. (too easy) Now he can touch people and take their powers. Borrow them is more like it, the person still keeps it. Do you think I could convince him I have a power so he'll touch me? I need a boyfriend.

The new "bad" person, who will probably end up being good, but maybe not, is some douchebag named Danko played brilliantly by the great actor whose name is way too hard to remember and has all kind of crazy lines in it, but who I will give the respect of looking up. Zeljko Ivanek. But the character is so bizarre. He's like a mercenary, but he's like 80. And eventually he finds out that Nathan, who has been the person behind this group, can fly, so now he's after Nathan. But who the hell is his boss now that Nathan is gone? The President? Because wouldn't the President want to know why Nathan is suddenly missing.

This is how I'll need to watch this next season. Chained to the floor in front of the TV

And throughout this whole half of the season there's been someone called "The Rebel" who is helping them avoid the agents who are after them and get out of the weird farm thing they're being held at, which isn't the facility they were originally shipping them to, who knows where/if that even exists. Ugh. The Rebel helps Tracy escape, but of course she's been coerced by Danko who tells her that if she leads him to the Rebel she will get set free. Unfortunately at the beginning of the episode in the credits I saw that Micah was guest staring so that ruined the surprise for me. Yes, it's Micah, who can control computers, that is helping everyone escape. But then Tracy realizes it's Micah and feels dumb so to get him to escape she freezes the crap out of everything, including herself. Danko then shoots her, THANK GOD, but then she looks to be still alive. CRAP.

The second dumbest move by the show, the first will be next, I know you're excited, is that Sylar and Danko are now working together. Sylar basically killed some shape shifter guy while he looked like Sylar and is now able to not only shape shift, but "Sylar"'s body was found because the shape shifter was killed while he was impersonating Sylar. You following? Yeah, me neither. So now after Sylar touches someone he can be turn into them. It takes Noah about 15 seconds to figure it out. So what's the point. In the last episode, which I'm about to rag on, Sylar is posing as Nathan and doing a press conference. When the frakkin' hell did he touch Nathan? Please tell me if someone knows.

Keep prayin'.

Okay, so last episode really sent me over the edge. It was a flashback episode. It flashed back to a time that has NEVER been referenced AT ALL on this show, 1961. Get this, Mohinder's father, Chandra, was the doctor behind some experiment in the early sixties. They brought people to an armed guard camp to experiment with their abilities. I mean, I think. It was completely confusing (and stupid). Angela was there with her sister Alice. A sister she never mentioned.

In the present she's brought Peter, Noah, Nathan and Claire to this spot, which is some abandoned looking camp in the desert and just told them to "dig" which they did for what looks like hours. At some point when they're done Peter asks her why she didn't just take them to a restaurant and tell them, why they had to come out there. You're preaching to the choir, my love. She then goes sorta crazy and starts talking about her sister. The one we never heard about who she has now told us was killed, along with her parents in 1961 when Angela was 16.

Flashback time and Angela and her family arrive at the camp and are greeted by Chandra Surresh. Angela also meets three boys who are the younger versions of people I had to look up. The guy who ran the company, Elle's father, who could turn things into gold, Linderman, the only name I recongnized, and a black guy, Deveraux, who was the guy Peter was a nurse to back in the day, whose daughter Peter liked, who dated Issac, who, I think, Issac killed, and who was played by Shaft. Remember him? No, me neither. Anyway, the four of them were friends, and they all had powers. Remember that eclipse that gave everyone powers at the start of the series, well it was bullshite, everyone has powers. Even little kids have powers (baby Matt Parkman).

I'm not even going there.

So Angela tells Chandra in a filmed interview that things are going to hit the fan and that he is going to kill everyone there. He doesn't believe her even though the WHOLE REASON she's there is because she has visions in her dreams. Eventually she sneaks out and leaves Alice to go to a diner and call police? Dumb. While she's gone her sister is interviewed by Chandra, who is not threatening at all, and I don't think is supposed to be, but the way the sister reacts he's a freak of nature. Speaking of nature, Alice's power is to mess with the weather. You know, like Storm in the X-Men. Very original.

Alice freaks out, kills some people with lightening, her father comes out, uses his power to knock Chadra out, gets shot and killed and then SOMEHOW I HAVE NO IDEA, everyone dies. Everyone kills everyone else in the camp. The four teenagers go back and bury everyone (Daddy Surresh obviously survived) because NOBODY WILL NOTICE THEY'RE ALL GONE and decide to start a "company" to help "protect" everyone. Good job you all have done. Really, great job.

Then, back in the present, Angela tells Claire that Alice is still alive. And I bet she's freakin' PISSED. And guess, what, she is, both. Yes, that bitch has been down in some fall out shelter for 50 years and looks like the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons. She says she stayed there because Angela promised she'd come back. Well, she did come back ya dumb bitch, to bury the bodies, where were you. And WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANGELA NOTICE YOU WEREN'T THERE AND LOOK FOR YOU?????? OMG I can't take it.

Eventually Peter and Mohinder find MP and Cat Lady and Cat Lady is pissed. She realizes that MP lied to her and freaks the hell out, especially when she sees Mohinder, because it reminds her of his father, WHO LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIM. Wow, way to be racist Heroes, they don't all look alike.

There's a lot of other crap I won't go into, like the little Twink that's following Sylar around, or he was following him around, Sylar's father, Matt Parkman's mysterious kid, them making it from California to Washington in about 4 hours, Claire's 4 minute love interest and her walk on the wild side with her father in Mexico and everything in between. Trust me, that sentence I just wrote is way more interesting.

I truly don't know how much longer I can hang in. I guess since there are only two episodes left I will. Is it wrong that I can't wait for it to end? Not a good sign. Yet people aren't watching KINGS??????? WTF people??????????