FLASHFORWARD

This show gives me a hard on. Until my Jack comes back in January, I'm allowed to cheat a little, right? I mean, Jack is off somewhere hopefully getting cured so what good am I to him now.

Like I was saying.

Until my Jack returns I will have to do my happy dance for someone else. His name is Mark Bendford. He's played by the delicious Joseph Fiennes who, unfortunately, isn't speaking with his British accent. Of course, if he was, I'd have to watch it while taking a cold shower. Although I know the second episode has aired, I've only watched the pilot and holy Mary mother of God, it was pretty freakin' good. Very reminiscent of the Lost pilot.

Long story short, FBI agent Mark (hottie) Bendford is chasing a terror subject when he suddenly wakes up in an upside down SUV. He gets out and realizes that the city around him as gone to shite. Airplanes have crashed, cars have run over people, buildings are on fire (not sure how some of those happen though) and everyone is standing around with a "WTF just happened?" look. Mark soon realizes, with everyone else, that everyone in the entire world had a blackout for about two minutes.

In Mark's blackout he's at FBI headquarters, swigging on a flask and looking at a board filled with what looks like clues in an investigation. Suddenly, masked men with assault riffles enter the room and Mark pulls his gun to defend himself. One guy, he notices, has three stars tattooed on his arm. That's where his vision ends.


This guy had a gun in his mouth when his flash forward happened. A gun in his mouth!!!

Mark's wife, a doctor, was operating on someone when she wakes up from her dream, the poor patient dead on the table.

Everyone is utterly confused and Mark, with his partner, try to unravel what could have happened. They soon learn that everyone in the world passed out at the same time and had these mysterious visions. One of Mark's FBI guys calls the person who was in his vision, who was in London, and she repeats everything that she saw which happens to match. They slowly realizes that these visions were actually "fast forwards" into the future.

There are so many wonderful things about this. Mark's partner, whose name is escaping me, but is played wonderfully so far by John Cho is worried because during his blackout he didn't see anything. What's that mean? Is he dead? Mark tries to assure him that that could just mean that he was asleep, and honestly, that's what I would think.

What I like about this show is it could have gone very cryptic, with people lying about their flash forwards, not telling everything, but in the first few chaotic hours, everyone is very forthcoming. In a not as smart show, people would be keeping their flash forwards close to the vest. One of the things that was so moving during the horrible day of 9/11 is when all the news networks dropped all ideas of ratings and backstabbing and shared information with their rivals, contacted other news organizations and got missing parts of the story so that nobody was without vital information on that day. It's much like that. Yes, there are some things that are kept to themselves, like Mark not telling people about drinking (he's sober) and his wife refusing to tell Mark about her flashforward, but these things are personal, nothing, at the moment, that seems vital to finding out what the hell just happened. Plus, his wife does eventually tell him what she saw, which was her with another man. This man better be Brad frickin' Pitt (or Jack Bauer) because seriously, what sane woman would leave this hotness?

Dude, seriously. Brad frickin' Pitt. Or Jack Bauer.

In the final minutes of the pilot, after going through hours of tape, one of the FBI analysts finds that out of all the people dropping like flies for those two minutes she's found one instance where someone was awake. In a stadium in Detroit. A man in black is seen, although grainy, looking around and then walking out of the stadium. Eerie. And interesting.

The date of the flash forward is in late April (just in time for sweeps) so now our team has to find out what happened and how to, for some, change the future, or even be in it. Hopefully the show doesn't get lost in the cool factor (I'm talking to you The Nine!) and keeps us guessing (I'm talking to you Lost!) and wanting more.

HEROES TO ZEROS

Somebody just told her they ordered more episodes.

Ha, you like that title? Well, you may have liked the title of this entry but the show, not so much. I was excited for the new season. Why? I don't know. If the first season hadn't knocked my socks off, black argyle by the way, I wouldn't be here yelling and complaining and stomping my feet because of the vast suckiness that is every season since. I don't even know what season we're in because of the long hiatus, writers strike and two volume season last year.

My idea for the next season of Heroes... kill everyone and start the frak over. I could give a crap about these people anymore. Honestly, they're all so different from what they were when I loved them. They've gone through so much stuff that now their lives, especially the ones that are trying to be normal, are just silly.

Claire is in college (got her GED, y'all) and, as expected, runs out of a calculus placement test because it's too hard. Granted, it was hard, but I wouldn't have even looked in the door of that class. She has a semi-psycho, i.e., stereotypical, first college roommate who has her whole life planned. How opposite of Claire, she has no idea what she's going to do. At least she figured out what to do with her hair. Whatever she does with her life though, it will not involve her lame ass power. Or will it? Ugh, I just intrigued myself more with that sentence then the show did. I'll just continue on this ridiculous storyline. During her first day at school she also meets some Goth chick named Gretchen who is played by an actress I've seen before and actually really like. Look out though, Gretchen is from Texas and when she hears Claire's name and where she is from in Texas wonders if she's the same Claire Bennett from the infamous cheerleading murder. Oh, you mean the one from season 1 when the show was still good? Oh that one, yes, she is. Claire's like, "ixnay on the urdermay!" and doesn't want to talk about it.

Some stuff not worth mentioning happens and at some point Claire finds her annoying roommate dead, did a Greg Louganis out of her bedroom window. Claire's real torn up about it, but not really. She thinks it was murder, although really Claire, she spent a few minutes with you. That alone is enough to want to slam face first into a slab of concrete from 50 feet above. Gretchen thinks it was murder too and she wants to investigate it. Gretchen, seeing as Claire ran out of the first taste of college she had, let's let her concentrate on some classes before we go and do that, mmkay?

She falls pretty.

Claire at first rebuffs this idea, but since it's been six weeks since she's been shot or broken in some way she decides to test Gretchen's theory of gravity and how people who are pushed bounce farther out then people who jump, and jumps out of her window. She lands all broken and nasty and then puts her humpty dumpty ass back together just in time for Gretchen to see that she's not like a normal girl. Let me also point out that Claire landed almost identical to where her rommie's chalk outline was so the girl jumped. I mean, that doesn't mean she didn't have a gun to her head, but still.

Hello, kitten.

On to other, more attractive things, Peter. Peter is an EMT. Remember that season where he was an EMT? Yeah, we're back to that. Peter still has that copy cat power where he can steal the person's powers that he's with but ONLY that power, not like when he was all bad ass and had every power imaginable. He's currently holding onto Mohinder's power which is speed and strength and douchy-ness. He's running around New York City saving people and having no life besides that. That's really sad. He's a handsome guy, you'd think that he would be dating. I'm sure there are a bunch of nurses at that hospital that would certainly hook up with him. In fact, I just came up with a much better show then what's currently on.

Meanwhile, Noah is still working for the government, it seems, but is also communicating with Momma Petrelli. We'll get to her in a minute. Noah finds out that Tracy/Jessica/who cares is still around killing people. Remember the only cool scene last season when she froze the water in the parking garage, but then it became uncool when Danko shot her and she shattered into a million pieces. Ok, that was cool too, especially because I was hoping that Tracy was really dead. But then after we saw that she wasn't dead, just in a bunch of pieces. She apparently didn't die and is going around killing Danko's men out of revenge. Revenge for what? Ugh, hasn't even had screen time and I already hate her this season.

Noah gets into his car and the car suddenly fills with water. Then Danko shows up and shoots the window so Noah doesn't die. Let's break down what just happened and why it's so stupid. First off, was that water Tracy? Does she put water in some place and then remotely make it come out? He got in the car with no trouble. The water also started freezing the doors, so was she doing that? Ugh. I hate you. Secondly, the last I remember seeing Danko they were carting him away because they thought he'd killed someone. I don't have the mental strength to look up who it was but I believe Noah framed him and he got arrested and taken away, no? I was going to say he escaped but later we see him return to his old apartment from last season. If someone cares enough to remind me...

Noah tells Danko that he will talk to Tracy and not to hurt her. Huh? Maybe I don't remember correctly. Anyway, he then meets up with Tracy and tells her that he'll take care of Danko, for her not to kill him. Again wondering why he's all buddy buddy with Danko. To ensure Tracy's safety (why???) he has the Haitian erase Danko's memory of Tracy. Later when Tracy goes to his apartment to kill him, she sees he doesn't remember and doesn't kill him. But someone does kill him. It's Darth Maul from Star Wars and Toad from X-Men! Love this guy! He has this super sexy speed that he chops Danko up and kills him. Tracy runs in (again, why??) and I pray to baby Jesus he does away with her too but he tries, and she's made of water so she doesn't get chopped. Suck! She calls Noah and he comes over and realizes that Toad wanted something and Tracy interrupted. He wanted a key that was in Danko's body that he finds very quickly with a baggie covered hand. Wow Sherlock!

He traces the key to a safety deposit box (of course!) and finds Peter and asks him to go with him. Basically Noah's a puss and wants a "Hero" with him. Peter gets a hard on when Noah says Toad has super fast speed. We know Peter's only going there to steal this guy's power. When they open the box they find it has a compass in it (more on all this later). Toad shows up and Peter (hotly) steals his power and the only cool scene of the first two hours happens as they slow motion/fast speed fight. Peter gets a few cuts but eventually Toad runs away. They look at the compass some more and in Noah's hand it looks broken. In Peter's hand it starts going around in circles. Obviously this thing is attracted to or only works for "Heroes", although they sorta blow it off as nothing.

Unfortunately Toad catches up with Noah (duh!) and chops him up a bit. Peter hears the call over the radio and uses his new found power to run the frak over there and realizes it's Noah and probably feels like crap for leaving after he got the power. Noah's okay and Tracy visits him in the hospital and they exchange some looks that make me gag. Please don't pair her with anyone. She needs to stop having sex with people, it's gross. I know all the fan boys want to see this chick half naked but I just want to see her act. Is that too much to ask for? I guess so.

I'm going to dedicate the next paragraph to the most boring part of the show, Sylar. Yes, he's the most boring part now because he's NOT IN IT. Remember how last season Sylar killed Nathan Petrelli and then Matt Parkman turned Sylar into Nathan? Yeah, that's still going on except Nathan isn't feeling like himself and is acting strange. He goes to see his mother who is really no help at all. He then starts realized he has other powers, like telekinesis and that lightening power Sylar, thankfully, cut Elle's head off for last year. I guess all of Sylar's powers are leaking out now. If Matt has to do the little mind thing on him every six weeks that'll get tiring. Why can't the Haitian come in and do something? Ugh.

Okay, one more paragraph about this because it involves Matt. He's not been using his powers for the last six weeks. Has just been working as a cop in LA. You know, because strapping a bomb to yourself and threatening New York doesn't leave a stain on your record. I know it wasn't his fault, and maybe he had Nathan speak up for him, but still. Anyway, Matt starts having visions of Sylar that happen at work, at home with his wife, anywhere that's inconvenien and awkward. Apparently when Matt did that to Sylar some of his brain got stuck in Matt and now he's "haunting" him. Really? He wants Matt to use his power, which Matt refuses. I guess he thinks of it as a drug? Yeah, why would you want to catch drug dealers and bad guys in an efficient way? Eventually he does use his mojo and Sylar is happy. Who cares?

Unfortunately they teamed the most interesting part of the show with the least interesting part. New this year to Heroes is Robert Knepper. He was on Prison Break and should have gotten an Emmy. He's an amazing actor with chilling performances. And he's hot in a sadistic "beat me now" sorta way.

When we first meet him at the beginning he's narrating and burying his brother, Joseph. And when I say burying I mean he moves his hands and the dirt falls over the casket. Joseph apparently had a compass that he lost and Samuel (RK) wants to get it back. Samuel and Toad work at a carnival or Carnivàle. A tattoo lady who takes her shirt off and walks in Sammy's tent. He takes an ink pen and pokes her with it on her back and blows the ink into her. It forms a picture of Danko. A bad one at that. He wants Toad to go get him, but Toa'd tired of killing people. Aw. But Sammy is not having that shite. He uses the pen to shoot some ink in Toad (yowza) and it forms a hand that starts strangling him. Huh? What the hell is this guy's power? He's moving dirt, making ink move...

Also working at the Carnivàle is an old man who seems to be the head honcho in the little group of freaks. He doesn't look like he's doing too well. Sammy uses the ink again and it forms a picture of Hiro. Another bad rendition.

So are you honey, so are you.

Hiro and Ando are in Tokyo working at a newly formed business whose name I don't remember and don't care to look up. Basically they put up a bunch of banners around town telling people to call them if their in trouble. So they get some little girl who needs help with her cat... you know what, whatever.

Exactly!

Basically Hiro tells Ando that he is "dying" but doesn't elaborate. Boy would I like to know how the eff my best friend in the whole world was dying. Ando says he wishes he could go back in time and change it so he's not dying. Okay God, ya can't do that. Although Hiro conveniently whips out a picture of himself, Ando and his sister and a Carnivàle. You see where this is going right? It's from fourteen years ago. It was where it all changed. It must be real important to NEVER MENTION IT BEFORE. Hiro saw a fortune teller that night that told him he would be a hero one day. So he's saying he based all of his yearning to be a hero on this one moment that we've NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE? Okay. It just also happens to be the night that Ando knocked a slushy into Hiro's sister. Ha, that sounded so pornographic. Sister Hiro then hated Ando for the rest of her life while Ando pined for her. Give it up Ando, if she's mad because you spilled a slushy on her then she's a bitch anyway.

Ando says Hiro could just go back in time to fix it. Hiro doesn't like this idea because of the butterfly effect. You know, when you change something in the past and everything else changes. It's that little thing that this show shites on every chance it gets. Hiro decides not to go but the glitch in his powers take him back to the Carnivàle anyway. Hey, and while he's there...

Sammy asks the elder freak to send him back to the fair and he goes back to talk to Hiro. Hiro sees his young self and freaks out, although hasn't he run into himself a few dozen times now. His younger self says he thinks he recognizes him. Um, maybe that's because this weirdo shows up every few years? Like at your house pretending to be your cook??? Why doesn't Hiro go back then and get his freakin' powers righted by his mother. Dear God am I trying to rationalize this?

Sammy befriends Hiro and basically says he knows what he's up to, but in a friendly way. Hiro tells him about the butterfly effect and Sammy thinks maybe just one thing won't hurt. He pushes Hiro into Hiro's sister and takes the slushy for her. How noble. Hiro then goes back to the future (hah!) and sees Ando. Nothing looks different but wait, Ando and Hiro's sister kiss. Somehow I think the butterfly effect with that would have been greater, since it would have changed Ando's participation is just about every hair brained scheme Hiro has come up with. But I guess not. Sammy also goes back to his boss, who is dying, and says he's found a replacement in Hiro. Um, he's dying too dude. He also does some ink blowing on the chick and pictures of Peter, Claire and Sylar come up. I think, they look like my 4 year old cousin drew them.

On the bright side, no Mohinder aka The Fly. Not even in the narration.

So, I just spend way too much time on that. I will try and get some pictures, but again, too much time.