WHAT'S UP DOC

So I had to share with you guys a few shows I watch that I don't get to talk about here. They're documentary style shows on Discovery, History Channel, or some other network that makes people use their brains. Not that watching LOST doesn't make you use your brain, I mean what the hell are those numbers about? But there are a few really good shows that I suggest you check out if you want to learn something and be entertained at the same time.

Hot, I mean host, Josh Bernstein

The first one is called Digging For the Truth on the History Channel with host Josh Bernstein. Each week he takes a known myth, like, "Troy" and explores archeological and historical evidence of it, visiting different places and either discovering or debunking the evidence. It's very educational and- ok, who am I kidding, Josh is HOT. I started watching the show because he's HOT. I continue to watch the show because he's HOT. But in all seriousness, it is a fun and interesting show, and he is HOT.

This is one evil ass picture, but the only one I could find

The next show I like to catch on the weekends is I Shouldn't Be Alive on Discovery. As the name suggests each show is about a person, or group of people, who survived a horrible ordeal when all the odds were against them. A man and his son who were stuck in the Turkish mountains for 10 days without food and little water in the middle of a blizzard. Or two guys who get stuck on an uninhabitable Baja California island for four days with only cactus water to drink and nothing to eat. There may be no Josh Bernstein, but it's damn exciting.

Finally, a show that's second season is premiering this week is The Deadliest Catch. This one is the most exciting of the three. The first time I saw this show I was hanging out with my mom in a hotel room and there was a marathon on. Halfway through I said to myself, "Am I really spending my day in this hotel room because of a show about crabs?" It's all about Alaskan crab fisherman. Not only is it exciting watching the 24 hour a day struggle to get as many crabs as possible, but I kinda grew attached to the crusty crabmen. It was truly exciting so try and check it out if you can't.

If you're at all interested in documentaries I would definitely check out one or all three of these shows. And what's good about all of them is they repeats 3872304808 times during the week so if you can't see the original run, you can catch it on rerun on Tivo later that night or on the weekend.

FINALLY!

Didn't her mother ever tell her she'd catch flies leaving her mouth open like that?

After last week's murder of Stevie Wonder songs I was hoping we'd not do a heavy genre again. But alas, we're in 50's night. Yeah, that says 50's. Did they have songs back then? Barry Manilo's there, I'm not really sure why, he's not that old. My roommate informs me that Barry just released an album. Who knows.

Mandisa's the first up and she looks beautiful. I'm hoping she doesn't need to be wrung out like last week. The judges love her and Simon thinks she was sexy. I don't know what song she sang, I've never heard it.

Next is Bucky and he's so cute. He sings the Buddy Holly long "Oh Boy". You know I'm a Bucky fan, I really am, but I really wasn't a fan of this performance, and neither was Simon. Of course Randy and Paula thought it was good.

Paris sings "Fever". Good God, how old is she? Forty? Is it wrong that I'm over Paris? Yeah, she's cute, but she has this weird sound to her voice. I can't really explain it. I have to remind myself that she's seventeen and when I was that age I didn't know my style either. Hopefully she'll find it so I can want to vote for her again. Since the judges want her to go through they kiss her ass and tell her how great she is.

After the break we come back with a nice product placement about downloading songs or something onto your phone. Ryan's taken some poor little girl out of the audience make the segment "cute". They're nearly the same size. Luckily that ends and Chris Daughtry's up.

Wow, "Walk The Line". What an interesting song for Chris to sing. I saw the movie on the plane about a month ago and Chris and Joaquin don't sound anything alike. But he sounds great. Can this guy ever do wrong? He kicks major ass. Talk about a dark horse, I had no idea he'd be so great. Paula loved it, she's even doing the lasso move, the teenage boy behind her better watch out. Randy didn't think it was the best vocal but that Chris is always true to himself. Simon didn't think it was the best vocal either but he thought it was great. Then he put Bucky's performance down, which I didn't like.

Katharine McPhee is next and she goes off on some tangent about Simon not knowing her name in an interview she saw that morning. Look, the only reason I know it is because I write it down every week. And even then I barely know her name, I think of her as Katie Holmes. She has a great voice but she's BORING. She has a "I don't give a sh** " look on her face and who the hell dresses her? She finishes the song and I have to wipe the blood from dripping out of my ears. Randy tells us that it was a tough song to sing. Okay, if you say so. Paula wakes up from her drug coma long enough to tell Katharine how good she did. Simon thinks Katharine turned into a star. I think Katharine shoulda worn a bra.

Taylor Hicks decides to come into meet up with Barry and make an impression. Oh no, is he doing that damn harmonica thing again? No, instead he sings "Mandy". Then Barry says, "In tune". Damn, Barry's a bitch. Barry does like Taylor though, saying he's one of the best male vocalists. As much as I like Taylor he doesn't impress me. I can't look at him when he sings and his voice isn't that strong, not compared to Chris. Instead of crazy ass dancing he holds it together mostly, from what I can bring myself to watch anyway. He's such a sweet guy, but that song wasn't great. Randy liked it and Paula thinks he was fantastic. I don't think she's talking about his singing though. Simon brings everyone's head out of their asses and tells him that he wasn't great. Paula freaks out about how great Taylor was when he was dancing. Whu whu what? Someone's spiked Paula's drink. She couldn't have chosen to be this high.

Next is Lisa Tucker and Ryan wants to know what she's gonna do to make sure she's not in the bottom three. I don't know, not suck? What kind of question is that? Barry's giving her some tips on singing and I hope he gives her some tips on not making faces. Nope. She sounds really out of breath while she sings, but when she goes for it she sounds great. Paula's on the table with her bra off slinging it around above her head. Seriously, she needs to be checked in somewhere. I'm told Kevin Covais is next and I want to jump out of my window. It's only one floor up so I wouldn't die, but I'd have to go to the hospital for at least a few hours and could miss him butcher another song.

The world is "Style" S-T-Y-L-E

I guess I have to talk about him. Can I make fun of his lisp and beady eyes? You know what, I'm gonna. For having such a big lisp he has some little lips. SSNNOORREEE. This reminds me of the nerdy guy in high school serenading the head cheerleader. It's really sad. I'd buy his album, so I could run it over with my car. Is someone stabbing him out of the camera's view. Is he tossing Randy's salad after the show or something? Why does he like this kid so much? Paula thinks he has "moxy". If by "moxy" you mean he's an a**hole, then yeah. Simon saw him in the corner crying last week so he's easy on him. Thank the Lords of Kobol Elliott's next.

Elliot tells us he wasn't fond of Barry's song before he met him but now he's a "Fanilo". I'm glad Barry's there because he's telling Elliott to be more emotional. That's exactly what he needs. He does a really good job, and I can see why they think he's such a great singer. Randy thought it was great because it was such a tough song. Paula rambles and Simon tells Elliott that his singing was "fantastic".

Two more people to go, Kelli and Ace. Kelli chooses a Patsy Cline song, which is spot on. Unfortunately Ru Paul got into the make-up room and attacked Kelli. I gotta say though, Kelli worked this song out! We need to get a shot of adrenaline for Paula pronto. Simon can straddler her on the table and plunge it in, Pulp Fiction style.

The big headed kid that did the product placement earlier with Ryan tells us that her favorite, Ace, is next. Ace is doing "In The Still Of The Night". My expectation are pretty low, but because he's last I have hopes that he may be sorta good. I think he ran out of the shower and jumped on stage. Yeah, I'm not impressed with Ace. Yeah, I'd do him, but I wouldn't buy his album. Simon's right in saying it wasn't the strongest performances of the night

Everyone's on the stage at the final send off and I vote for my favorites. Can we do negative voting and take votes away from someone because I so want to take votes from Kevin. Ryan thanks the judges and Paula's in the back getting her stomach pumped.

Again, I won't bore you with the ins and outs of the results show. Barry Manilo sings and... wait, I said I wasn't going to bore you. The bottom three are sorta expected, by me anyway. Lisa, Bucky and thank the Lords of Kobol, Kevin. When Lisa gets sent back to the chairs I start to worry that it will be Bucky. I mean, sure, there were millions of grandmas voting for Kevin and just guys in recliners drinking tall boys voting for Bucky, and me. Yes, I did vote for him, I won't lie, because I wanted Kevin off. And my five votes for everyone else paid off because guess who gets booted? KEVIN! I was a little sad for the guy, until they showed the little montage of him. Afterwards, he gave us these parting words, "America, be smart. Pick one of these amazing people here." Well, obviously! I'm thinking maybe he meant that some of the people on the stage aren't amazing, and we should only pick the amazing one. He needs to clarify that for us.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP BEST FRIEND

Do you remember Austin Power's Fembots?


I understand different being beautiful, but truthfully, sometimes different is just ugly. Especially if you have an attitude problem, like Jade. The one thing this egotist doesn't need is a show telling her how pretty she is. Luckily, on the last panel, Nigel brought her big ass head out of the clouds and told her she was arrogant. Once back in the house after judging, she's hurt and annoyed that Nigel would think she's arrogant. I mean really, it's not arrogant to think everyone around you is jealous and stares at you when you walk by them in the street because you're so amazingly beautiful. Gina, and most of the girls I suspect, think it was great Jade got a bit of her own medicine. Furonda correctly points out that Jade's the type of person who finds someone weaker than herself (Gina) and kicks them while they're down to make herself feel better.

What's sad is he looks better than most of the girls

The next day the girls finally get their makeover. Kari, will get big, blonde Brigitte Bardot locks, even though they should have done something to straighten that out, like a flat iron or something. She's like the shaggy dog. Leslie will get thicker, longer hair. Sara will get a platinum blonde faux-hawk thing that actually looks really good. She's not happy with it though. Danielle will have a long, wavy weave, which again, doesn't realy look that different. Brooke will get a Gisele Bundchen do, because now she has her own hair cut I guess. Joannie will go icy blonde, whatever the hell that means. Nnenna will get all her hair buzzed off since she doesn't have much hair to begin with and she really worked that bald cap from last week's episode. Furonda will get a long, straight weave parted down the middle which makes her look a lot less like my Uncle Tyrone, finally. Wendy's hair will be lightened. Gina will get some angular layers which do nothing for her and look exactly like her hair was before, just washed and blown dry. Mollie Sue will get the Mia Farrow cut Tyra wanted Cassandra to get last time and she punked out. Jade's hair they cut short and dye it blonde. Does nothing to makes her more attractive or not a bitch.

With each style Jay gives it a name, like, "urban sexy chic". I have no idea what they all mean, but Jay tells the girls that the next day they'll be putting together outfits that best describe their new look. They'll be treated to a real life fashion show.

"Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, I'm a dirty whore"

Of course once the makeovers are over they head back to the house Jade starts going off. She obviously gets on everyone's nerve, including mine, and if I ever see her in the street I'm gonna slap her across her high cheekbones. She's complaining that all high fashion models have long hair and why didn't they give her long hair. The girls all just want to shut her up, and I'm hoping one of them does. Jade's jealous of Furonda's new weave and disgusted that she keeps touching it and looking at herself with it. Shut up bitch, you know you'd be doing the same damn thing. Once at the house though things get bizarre. Furonda prints out a list of "rules" and hands them out to all of the ladies.

1. I will treat you in a way identical to, or worse than, the way you treat me.
2. I am the best person to discuss me with.
3. If you need anything other than emergency items, please do not ask me.
4. Stay out of my personal business unless I invite you in.

Wow, maybe I misjudged Furonda, maybe she's ugly and a bitch. The girls aren't too impressed and think she's acting like a Diva. The only way you can be a Diva is if you have stuff to back it up. In my opinion no one, and trust me, no one, in that house could ever be a Diva with the exception of Jay Manuel.

Damn that bitch is tall

At the fashion show the next day some fashion I wouldn't dress my worst enemy in walk down the runway and the girls pick out which outfits best describe their new looks. Jade's having a hard time because the hair's really thrown her off. Wendy of course is still distracted by her family in New Orleans. We do learn that she finally heard from them and they're alright. Luckily we're treated to some Cover Girl Queen Latifa face time. Naima from one of the past seaons is there with the girls and tells them the winner of this challenge will get a $5,000 shopping spree. Guess who wins? Yes, Nnenna. She looks beautiful and truly got what Jay was telling her about her "look". She chooses Gina and Jade to go with her on the spree and at first all of my confidence in Nnenna slips. That's until they interviewed her and she admitted that she only chose them because they weren't getting along and hoped this trip would help them become friends. Love her! Of course it didn't because Jade's a dumb bitch and Gina is completely clueless.

Nnenna is just STUNNING!

That night there's a little tension in the house. Poor Wendy's finally able to speak to her family and Jade decides to put on a hoodie and cause some trouble. Okay, hoodies only work for Jack Bauer, ho. She claims she hasn't been able to use the phone and wants Wendy off. Yeah, I mean come on, her parents are alive, why do they need to talk? All the girls think it's quite comical how ridiculous she's acting. She says she's not there to be friends, and that this isn't "American Next Top Best Friend". Although that would be a kick ass show. With dogs.

Who knew this plain Jane could be so HOT

The next challenge has to do with Ice, and since Jade's a frosty bitch I'm afraid she's going to do really well. They arrive at an ice company, I didn't know they had those, and are told they'll be posing in a little ice room with barely anything on. The torture of it all has me tuning in every week. Most of the girls have a hard time pulling this one off because they're sitting on blocks of ice in their underwear.

Ha-ha!

At the final evaluation we get to see the pictures and most of them aren't too great. Gina's doesn't look bad, for an ugly girl, and Furonda really stepped it up from last week when she was in the bottom two. Lastly is Jade, who starts to complain about the girls in the house. Nigel reminds her not to bring her baggage to judging. Then she starts complaining that the reason her picture didn't look good is because her eye make-up didn't look good. Yeah, if only it was the eye make-up, if only. Nigel tells her to shut her ugly pie hole and stop making excuses. When the judges talk privately about the girls, they point out Joannie's bad teeth and good Holy God. I didn't realize you could have such a messed up grill and still be a model. When the girls come back in we learn that Jade and Wendy are in the bottom too. They tell Wendy she doesn't take great picture and Jade that she's an annoying bitch. Since it's all about pictures Wendy gets kicked off. I'm not surprised but I wanted Jade to get her comeuppance.

ANYBODY'S GAME

So I want to make sure all of you are aware that I tried to post this earlier but Blogger is having major publishing trouble, especially with pictures. No, there was no Phil camel toe, but there was 1,500 nesting dolls that you had to see to believe and luckily I was able to post that one. Hopefully by the time I breeze through a few more it'll be back up and running.

The Amazing Race turned out it's most exciting hour in awhile. Usually in the first few episodes we can get an idea of who the first few teams to get kicked out will be. Fran and Barry are sure to go next, then a toss up between Dave and Lori and Dani and Danielle but probably Dani and Danielle, they don't make really good decisions and they're way too distracted by dumb and dumber. This past episode kept us guessing the whole time! Bravo Amazing Race, bravo!

Tyler and BJ are first out of the gate around 5am and have to make it to a farm a few miles away. "The lambs Clarice, the lambs!" Okay, not that kinda farm, the one with ziplines. My favorite kind. They'll ride a zipline 300 feet above ground to receive their next clue. The boys get there and learn the farm doesn't open until 7am, giving some of the teams a chance to catch up. What farm opens at 7am? Certainly not a farm that wants to make some money. Lazy. BJ and Tyler hide in the bushes and scare the hell out of Eric and Jeremy when they pull up, it's hilarious. I really do like the hippies. Dave and Lori and Joseph and Monica get to the site as well and wait for the gates to open.

When the gates finally do open they rush off to the zipline. Once down they get their next clue, which tells them to head to Russia! In Russia they'll go to a water sports facility that's been the training ground for Russian Olympians. I don't know one Russian high diver. I mean I don't know one American either, but high diving and swimming doesn't seem like their sports. It looks mighty cold at that outdoor facility, and I'm thinkin' they're going to be going into the pool which is gonna suck.

The teams have to head to a bus station and take the bus to the airport. I'm crossing my fingers Lake and Michelle misread this clue and get lost on the Brazilian countryside somewhere. My wish comes partly true. When they leave the Pit Stop they take the wrong way down the road. Mostly because Lake's yelling and being a total d*ck, but hey, what's new. He stands on top of the VM to survey the land. They end up making it to the farm in second to last place behind Fran and Barry and when Lake realizes they're going to Russia he says, "Dang gummit! I was hoping we wouldn't have to go to Russia." Um, why? They'll hate you just as much as anyone else. He does point out that it's cold there, but I think just to cover up the ignorant statement he just made about not going there. Even though they made it to the bus station in record time, Michelle gets a scare when she thinks she lost the fanny pack. Yes, I did just say fanny. Of course Lake freaks out and Michelle says she doesn't want to argue over something so stupid. I don't know how losing the bag with your passports and money becomes something stupid, but I just don't like Lake. He tells her to not be a bitch. Wow, they must really love each other. I don't want to talk about them anymore but I'll have to later on.

At the airport the teams start bunching up again. Damn you airport! Damn you! Fran and Barry's hopes are pretty much dashed as they make their way there, thinking they'll for sure be last place again and get on the last flight. Fortunately for them everyone makes it onto the same flight, making it anyone's game gain.

Once in Moscow, BJ and Tyler make it out first, as do Eric and Jeremy and Dani and Danielle who've been flirting with each other non stop since the first show. They're just gross, all four of them. They decide to share a cab and some bodily fluid. Dave and Lori and MoJo also decide to share a cab. One good thing about sharing a cab with someone is you always know where one team is and you can always have a foot race to the mat. Fran and Barry and Wanda and Desiree take up the rear.

In succession everyone arrives at the water sports facility to learn it's a Roadblock. One of the team members has to put on a bathing suit and jump off the 10 meter high dive. I don't know how high that is in American, but it's high up there. Most teams get up and jump off quickly. Yolanda hesitates a bit because she tells us that she doesn't know how to swim. I think there should be a rule or something about not doing something that could potentially kill you. I don't see any lifeguards around. The other teams who are there in the facility still cheer her on, including Michelle. I guess it's just her husband that's a tool. Once they dive into the water they have to retrieve a clue that's strung to the bottom of the pool.

Dani and Danielle and Eric and Jeremy head off, somewhere in the middle of the pack, to a monastery to find their next clue. One of the girls, the stupid one, discovers she left the infamous fanny pack in the changing room at the pool. They pull the car over and the girls get out, frantically searching for a taxi. Lucky for them Wanda's having a lot of trouble in the pool. She can't bring herself to dive down to get the clue. Looks like she's there forever, the people on the side of the pool start to cheer her on and Desiree keeps a cool head, encouraging her. She doesn't want to lose like this, but doesn't want to dive her ass down either. Eventually she finishes just about the time Dani and Danielle get back. At least now they have the drive to hurry now, knowing they aren't the last team. I'm referring to Wanda and Desiree, I want that fake boob team out.

Being first to the monastery, BJ and Tyler grab a clue and realize this is a Detour, choosing between two tasks. In this Detour the teams can choose to Scrub or Scour. In Scrub they'll have to take a taxi to this trolley yard, which is kinda creepy, and wash a Russian trolley from end to end. In Scour they have to make their way to a theatre where 1,500 mulit-piece nesting dolls are waiting for them. It's the dolls within a doll thing. Well they have to find their next clue in one of those. The nesting dolls one isn't physically demanding, but you'll want to kick someone in the groin the more you do it and don't find anything.

BJ and Tyler, Lake and Michelle, Eric and Jeremy and Fran and Barry all decide to wash the trolley. Again, why the old couple chooses to do the physical one, I don't know. Just as they're leaving Ray and Yolanda get to the clue, which Lake points out to them. Ray and Yolanda decide to do the nesting dolls one and head outside. The whole group is still outside because none of their taxi drivers know where the hell the trolley one is. Lake asks Ray if he can follow them and Ray just ignores him. Lake tries to blackmail him saying he helped him find the clue box. Ray reminds him that he didn't need his help finding the clue box. All the teams decide to follow Ray and Yolanda since their driver obviously knows where they're going. Imagine their surprise when they show up to the doll one. When they get there and start searching through the loads of dolls, Jeremy playfully says that this was Ray and Yolanda's dumb idea. Yolanda quickly tells them they should have picked their own damn Detour. Bam! In you face frat boy. Jeremy is the first to find the clue and they run off to Red Square to "find Phil".

On their way to the trolley Detour, Dave and Lori and MoJo are running into a problem, their driver has no idea where the hell he's going. He does loops around places and it looks like it's getting dark out. I'm worrying now because it looks like our dear MoJo may be kicked off. Not that they can't beat Dave and Lori in a foot race. When they finally get to the trolleys, Wanda and Desiree and Dani and Danielle realize they aren't in last place. Mojo and Dave and Lori also realize they're still in it. Luckily cutie Joseph gets to work and hurriedly starts cleaning the trollye.

At the dolls Fran and Barry, Ray and Yolanda, and BJ and Tyler are still looking for the clue. BJ and Tyler find it, and soon so do Ray and Yolanda. At this point Fran and Barry are getting a bit frustrated.

Meanwhile, Eric and Jeremy and Lake and Michelle show up and start looking for Phil. We see Phil and he's all alone. No Russkie to greet us, no sign saying they're in Moscow. Hmm, curious. Finally, luckily (I guess) it's Eric and Jeremy who get to the mat first. Phil's a tricky bastard, this leg isn't over!!! He hands them the next clue, and off they go!!!

I'm looking forward to the next episode because it's truly anybody's game.

AMERICA'S ON CRACK

Just so you all know, I've been trying to post for a few days now and blogger's been having some issues. I'm gonna try and crank out as many recaps as I can in the next few days. But since Idol's on tonight and most of you already know who got kicked off last week, I won't bore you with all of what happened. What I will tell you is America's on crack. Why oh why they kicked Melissa out before they kicked Chicken Little, wait, I don't even want to call him that because Chicken Little is cute, I just don't even know. Not only does his stupid lisp (I'm not bagging on lisps but you shouldn't be singing with one) but when Simon tried to give him honest feedback, he got all uppity and rude. Yeah yeah, Simon can be rude, and sometimes it's fun to watch contestants stand up for themselves, but only when Simon's wrong. He was right, Kevin sucked, trying to do some weird ass dancing and what not.

I know Melissa messed up her lyrics, twice, but she covered it fairly well. I wasn't even really sure she messed up until they pointed it out, and then I saw it over and over again in recaps and on The Soup on E! this past weekend.

The best part of the two shows last week was definitely Stevie Wonder. We got a glimpse of the gang in the studio singing a Stevie song and in he walks. Most contestants start crying, including Elliott who you would swear someone ran over his dog or something. Every intro to a singer they showed the same moment when Stevie walked in and all of their reactions. Interestingly enough, Ace is in nearly every one and he just continues to sing, when everyone else starts balling. I don't know what that means, but I just found it awkward.



Everyone pretty much sucked if you ask me, except maybe Chris, he rocked, literally. Alas, it was Melissa and her forgetfulness that did her in and got her kicked out. If America doesn't vote Kevin out this go round they're frakin' crazy. I'm not putting myself in that group because I don't vote for him.

HOLD YOUR BREATH

I can't take it anymore. After this week's episode and a few more tears shed I realized my heart can't take this show anymore. Between Edgar dying, the President getting assassinated and Michelle getting killed I'm at my braking point. And then this episode! My breathing returned to normal about half an hour later and I reflected on the life of Jack Bauer. It sucks. I mean yeah, he's hot, and talented, and kicks major ass, but he has a lot of heartbreak.

Oh look, Chloe has another emotion besides annoyance

Sealed up in the situation room, Jack, Kim, Audrey, Barry, Chloe, and a few other employees look at the devastation outside the room. High five to all those who work in the bullpen. Bill's up in his office, protected, McGill and a guard are in holding, and thankfully, Tony's in medical, which was luckily sealed off from the attack as well. Bill calls Curtis and tells him their situation. Since Curtis is with the chemical response team, he tells them they'll be there within half an hour. Bill calls down to Jack with the news. Jack wants to know where Henderson is and they pull up his location on the map. He's safely in medical. By safe I mean he's not being attacked by the nerve gas, just Bob the interrogator. They also pull up the building grid and learn the gas masks and atropine are in a secured area. Why Chloe doesn't open that room and everyone make a run for it I don't know. That'd be what I'd do. We'll get to that later though.

Hey, at least he won't have to pine over Chloe anymore

Chloe's in a state of shock, still staring at Edgar's body, but Jack needs her to work. Unlike the normal Chloe, this one's very emotional. Ponyboy decides he can help and with Jack's permission, tries to get her out of the catatonic state. He pulls her away from the window so she stops staring at Edgar's dead body. Let's thank the Lords of Kobol she didn't have to watch him go through what that poor sap in the video Logan watched a few hours ago went through.

"Hi, I'm a moron and this is all my fault"

In the holding cell McGill confesses to the guard that all of this is his fault. He tells the guard that it was his card the terrorist used to get in. The guard then kicks him in the teeth, which makes me feel a whole lot better. He tells the guard he didn't tell anyone because he didn't want people to know he got beat up. Not that they'd be surprised, he's four feet tall. The guard's pissed since he realizes they're all gonna die so McGill didn't feel embarrassed.

Is this the 60s? What's up with the glass IV?

Tony gets out of bed and notices the bodies on the ground. Here's hopin' he doesn't open the door to check out what's going on. Jack calls down to medical and talks to the doctor Tony's with. He wants to know if Henderson got secured and the doctor says he was. Tony's ears perk up when he realizes Henderson's there and he knocks the doctor out and hangs up on Jack. Tony gets to Henderson and takes the interrogator's gun from him. Jack's pulls up the internal feed and sees what's going on with Tony. The tech in the situation room is able to put it on speaker since Chloe's useless in the corner. Jack pleads with Tony not to do it but Tony wants to kill the man responsible for Michelle's death. Jack says that he knows how he feels, he wanted to rip Nina's arms off and beat her with them when she killed Teri. Unfortunately, like Nina before, they need Henderson to find the nerve gas. Jack's able to talk him down and Tony relents, still holding onto the gun. Even though the interrogation continues, and Henderson's inflicted with more pain, he ain't givin' it up.

Just what Logan needs, someone else telling him what to do

Enter a new character, Karen Hayes. She's a top ranking official for Homeland Security and I can already tell she's a bitch, much like McGill before her, Erin Driscoll before him, and Chapelle (RIP) before her. Anyone who's not CTU can suck it because they don't know what they're talking about and don't get how Jack works. Karen's talking to Logan and Vice President Gardner, updating them on CTU's condition. The two of them together are dumb and dumber, asking idiotic questions. I'm not sure how the government works, but when the VP takes over for the President, like Logan did, who becomes VP? I think he happened to be walking by and Logan, in his infinite wisdom, just pointed at him and said, "Him, yeah him. He'll do." Karen says that they should immediately restructure everything to have Homeland Security in charge of finding the nerve gas instead of CTU. Not exactly an appropriate time for a pissing match, lady. Gardner agrees.

Privately, Gardner presses Logan on declaring martial law. Logan's still not convinced this is the best thing. His advisors (Mike) doesn't agree that it's the best thing, since it'll cause more damage then good. Gardner thinks if the terrorists can't run around freely, then it'll flush them out. And guess the hell what? Logan's indecisive. I think if you asked him "cream or sugar" he'd take an hour to decide.

Bierko's fairly happy with how things are working out. He wants to move to the primary target. He also wants all the remaining canisters placed there. Um, a little over kill don't ya think?

Look, it's an 80s movie showdown!

At CTU tensions are high. Jack needs Chloe to help them out but she's still not willing to work. Hello Chloe, you're on the clock here. He tries to press her into helping and Barry interrupts him saying that he doesn't have to push her like that. If he hasn't noticed, it's not like they have time for her to sit on a couch and talk about her "daddy issues". They need her, immediately. Barry makes some sort of comment about Jack not being there for the people he cares about. Uh oh, don't tap on the glass. Jack grabs Barry by the throat and tells him to shut up or he'll make him eat his own testicles. He'd do it to. Kim tells Jack that when she was suicidal, Barry was the only one to get her out of her funk. He gave her a little "therapy" and made it all better. Chloe breaks the tension by announcing that she'll just get back to the computer and work, besides, you can't stare at Edgar too long, you'll get sunspots.

When Chloe gets back to her computer an alarm starts going off. Apparently that wasn't your father's nerve gas. There's some sort of acid laced with the nerve gas and it's corroding the seals to the rooms. (Remember my roommate's comment last episode about putting it into a big hefty bag? Unbeknownst to us at the time, it wouldn't have worked. Would've been really cool if it had though) Chloe estimates it'll be about twenty minutes before they all start dropping like flies.

"Oh dear God, I married a moron"

Meanwhile, Martha overhears Mike and Gardner going at it. Afterwards, she approaches Mike and questions what's going on with Gardner. He admits that Gardner's taking over. Martha's flabborgasted that Logan's letting him write policy. Why the hell not? He let you write it! Martha knows that Gardner just wants Logan to frak up so he has a shot at the Presidency. Something tells me all Gardner has to do is let him finish out the term, he's bound to make more mistakes, hell, it's only been a day and he's made like five. Mike insinuates that in the past Gardner's taken credit for things Logan's done. Like that pie he made for the White House bake off last year. Mike wants Martha to talk to Logan. Didn't she talk to him about this crap last episode? Typical man.

Bill makes an announcement to the remaining CTU employees. Friday is "no tie" day, and oh yeah, the acid is eating away at the seals. Jack talks to Audrey and feels like a tool for insisting Kim stay and it'll be his fault if something happens to her. Um, yeah it will. Just then, Chloe thinks she may have a plan. She can use the buildings air conditioning to flush out the nerve gas. Of course it'll flush it out into the general public, but hey, you win some, you lose some. The only problem with the plan is there's a computer on the far end of the building that's running a program that's blocking her from doing anything. Jack thinks if he uses the wall behind the situation room, that's free of gas, to get into a storage room, that's also free, he'll be able to hold his breath and go through one of the contaminated walls to get to that computer. No one thinks this is a particularly good idea since they don't trust Jack can hold his breath that long. Also, he'll have to get back into the storage room and wait another twenty seconds before Chloe flushes the room of the gas, before he can breathe again. Unfortunately, this is the only solution they have, since Curtis and the chemical team is still too far away. Why Chloe can flush that room and not the rest, I have no idea. I'm just going with it here.

Jack and the magical hoodie

Jack decides to go and heads out into the wall. He makes his way to the storage room, donning his black hood, which doesn't let any gas get in through the sides. Hey, I don't know, but he looks damn cute. When he gets into the storage room he tapes the entrance up so none of the gas leaks back to everyone else and informs Chloe that when he's back he'll tap the com three times, giving her the signal to flush the room. He makes sure his hood is on straight and takes a deep breath. Out in the contaminated area, he goes for the wall that leads into the computer room. He takes it off and comes up on bars, blocking his access to the room. He sees the computer and the program Chloe said it was running, but can't do anything. He heads back to the room.

"No need to be a biatch"

The computer tells Chloe the seals are deteriorating still and Kim wonders if they can do anything to help Jack. Like what? Breathe for him? Chloe gives her some smart ass comment, but unlike most people, Kim stands up to her. Chloe hears Jack's tapping and quickly starts venting the room he's in while he continues to hold his breath. They wonder why he's back so fast. When Audrey gives him the signal to breathe, he tells them about the access problem. Apparently there was a new addition to the floor plan and no one upgraded the schematics. Fortunately, that person's probably dead outside already anyway, so no harm, no foul. Chloe figures that the quickest and easiest way to the computer room is from McGill's holding cell.

Jack calls McGill and breaks the news to him. On the bright side, the people who called you incompetent will be alive, on the down side, you'll see your sister in the after life. Jack claims there's no way to vent the holding room, which means not only will McGill die, but so will the guard in the room. The guard doesn't like this plan but McGill convinces him that it'll save lives.

In the situation room Kim takes the time to apologize to Chloe. She wants to know if Jack was in contact with her while he was gone. Chloe says that he was, because she was feeding him information about Kim. He knew about Chase leaving her and her depression. Funny, because he reacted to it like it was the first he heard of it. Jack returns to the situation room and they pull up the live feed from the holding room.

McGill listens as the guard says goodbye to his daughter and says he'll be home later. Yeah, in a body bag. After he hangs up they hold their breath and McGill runs out to the computer room. He's able to disengage the program and goes back into the holding room. Why the hell doesn't he go in that little room Jack was in I don't know. Chloe's able to begin venting the air out. Unfortunately the air won't be breathable for another fifteen minutes. Let's see if McGill can hold his breath. Jack thanks them and lets them know that they've saved all of their lives. The guard can't hold his breath anymore, and sucks in a big gulp. At first there's no reaction, and then he starts convulsing and dies. McGill continues to hold his breath until he can't any longer. Unfortunately the air's still not clean so he keels over and dies as well. Everyone watches from the situation room.

Jack then remembers Henderson and pulls the feed back up. Tony's still sitting there with a gun and Henderson's still not responding. Since it doesn't look like Henderson will be giving up anything anytime soon, Jack tells Chloe to keep trying to get information off of his computer. Hey, didn't Kim used to do this for a living too? Why isn't she at a computer trying to help? I guess they only have that one in there. Jack then asks Kim to stay awhile after they get out of the situation room, so they can talk. She yells, "Are you crazy?". I mean who can blame her, CTU's not exactly a safe zone. She makes the observation that horrible things seem to happen when she's around him. Jack, hurt, goes over to the window and looks out. Audrey comes up behind him and takes his hand, comforting him.

Mike and Martha look over the press statement and wonder if Logan's gone off his rocker for good. Logan thinks it's a good plan, if they were on Mars. Mike excuses himself and Logan knows he's in deep doo doo. Martha tells him that she won't stand around wathing Gardner make a fool of him. She likes to watch him do it all on his own. He has a small breakdown after everything that's going on during the day. She comforts him.

Hey, this is what I'd rather be doing

Bierko calls a woman, Collette, who looks like a call girl. He wonders if the schematics are ready and she says that they aren't. He tries to demand them but she points out that she's the only one who's willing to give it up. The schematics I mean. After she hangs up she goes back to her boyfriend and mounts him. Oh, I'm gonna like this girl. She doesn't tell him what the call is about and doesn't seem to have any urgency to get those schematics to Bierko.

Karen talks to Bill and tells him that she's almost there with her team. After they hang up the nerd in the back tells her that he's formatted all of CTU's servers to match the Homeland Security specs and that their tactical protocol will go through him. Yeah, because Curtis is doing such a bad job. Tool. Karen tells him that he can replace anyone he wants on the CTU team since she's now the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge).

Finally the sealed doors at CTU start opening. Not sure if I would trust that everything's alright, but everyone seems to believe it and starts heading back to their work stations. Jack says goodbye to Kim and pulls Barry aside. He tells him to get Kim the hell out LA and Barry agrees.

In with Henderson his nervous system is shutting down. Jack calls and they tell him that he's in a coma. Tony thinks this is the perfect opportunity. Jack starts a full sprint through CTU towards medical, pleading with Tony not to do anything. He claims it won't make him feel better about Michelle being dead. It'll make me feel better though.

Tony knocks the interrogator out and prepares a syringe of something to inject Henderson with. Why I don't know, he has a perfectly good gun in his hand. He stands over Henderson's comatosed body, ready to plunge the needle in. Unfortunately, he's a decent guy and can't do it. He hesitates, at which point frakin' Robocop wakes up and takes the needle, stabbing it in TONY'S chest!!! What the frakin' hell is going on!!! Henderson gets off of the table, takes the gun and runs out. Jack arrives then and finds Tony on the ground. With his last breath Tony tells him that he really didn't have much to live for anyway with Michelle dead. Then he... he... I can't even write it. He dies as Jacks hold him and cries!!! I have to wipe a few tears away as I write this.

NNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm spent. I can't do it anymore. The President, Michelle, Edgar, now Tony. I almost wanna give up. The only thing that saves me is knowing that now Jack's really pissed. He's gonna find Henderson if it's the last thing he does. And when he does find him, it's gonna be good.