SLUTS NEED NOT APPLY

Desperate Housewives is slowly pulling itself out of the gutter. I say slowly because it may fall back down. But, I only had to yell "Come on!" a few times during the last episode and the one storyline that's intrigued me, between Zach, Mike and Paul, moved forward. I fear it moved forward and will now be stalled for a few months, but at least there was some movement in this episode.

The show opens with a nice father/son moment between Paul and Zach. No one's killing anyone or stalking anyone, and that's real progress. Their little evening comes to an end when Detective Sullivan shows up at their door. He tells Paul that there's been some sort of credit card fraud and that his name's come up. Sullivan takes him in as Zach watches, worried. When Sullivan gets him to the police precinct, he strips him down and makes him squat and cough. I saw that on a MSNBC behind prison walls special. Paul's extremely confused, especially when Sullivan puts him in a paddy wagon with some felons. They threaten him by name and say that "Noah Taylor sends his regaaads". They do it in weird 40s mobster accents. They pull out a knife (I guess the guard didn't make them squat and cough) and attack Paul. We don't see him stabbed, but two gangstas against one snobby white guy can't be good.

Felicia has returned to Wysteria Lane, for whatever reason I don't know. Probably because she thinks Paul has been taken care of. Mike approaches her and she lets him know that the police came to take Paul away the night before and things can't be too good. He goes to Zach to tell him about Noah and a police car pulls up. I'm thinking they're going to inform him of Paul's demise, at which point Zach will flip out, take their gun and go on a rampage on top of a bell tower. Fortunately, or unfortunately, things don't go that way and Paul gets out of the car. He's beaten pretty bad, but not dead. We get a flashback of what happened the night before and Paul kicks some gangsta booty. He falls out of the paddy wagon before the final blow, which alerts the guards not on Taylor's payroll.

Paul and Mike have a little pow wow on what to do. Mike's convinced that leaving won't do anything since Noah's got money and has his hand in everything. Zach overhears the conversation and comes downstairs with a plan. He wants to meet with Noah and get it out of the way. The guys reluctantly agree and Mike goes with him to meet Noah. When they meet, Zach makes it clear that if anything happens to Paul, he'll cut off all ties to Noah. Noah agrees and the two of them go play some touch football.

I think the years with Lynette and the a**hole kids have sucked the creativity right out of him

When we join Tom and Lynette, he's giving a boring and stupid presentation at work. I'm a bit confused about why she agreed to hired him, seeing that he sucked. Oh right, he pledged in college, that's why he's there. When he's done pitching it, Lynette questions its brilliance at which time Tom gets a bit defensive. He pulls her aside and wonders why she's being such a bitch. She questions him on whether or not he gave it the good college try. He claims he did, but she remembers it differently. The truth is he was sitting around on his ass the night before watching the game. Ha, he didn't know she was paying attention, but she was. Since he's petty, later, after Lynette's cooked dinner and burned it a bit, Tom wonders if she gave it her all as well. She wonders why he's arguing about meatloaf. Later, when they're gettin' it on, she keeps trying to get on top. He stops her and feels emasculated. I figured he'd feel that way because she's carrying his balls around in her purse. She doesn't want him to put all his insecurities on her, and step up to the plate every now and then so she doesn't have to. The next morning while they're riding up the elevator to work, he wants to go for a ride of his own. Apparently, to show that you wear the pants in the family you have to have a quickie on the way to work. Lynette's no dummy and just goes with it. When they finally get to work the elevator opens and the sex smell wafts out.

Susan's finally getting surgery on that crazy weird disease of hers and is in the hospital. Dr. Ron tells her that the primary surgeon has broken his arm, so he'll be doing the surgery. I'm sorry, this has to be some sort of Hippocratic oath violation or something. Would I want my boyfriend doing surgery on me? No. Would I want to do surgery on my boyfriend, hell no. Talk about feeling bad if something were to go wrong. Dr. Ron has beautiful flowers delivered to Susan's room. The nosy nurse gives her the card that goes with it and then asks to read it. I already know I'm gonna want to slap her consistently through the episode. She's all in Susan's business. Karl shows up to see Susan and thinks it's hilarious that Dr. Ron's in love with Skeletor. When he's leaving he tells the nurse to look out for his wife. Yeah, because they're not keeping it a secret or anything. Since the nurse can't mind her own damn business, as she's taking Susan's blood pressure later she nearly snaps the twig arm in half. The jig is up, she knows Susan's a lying whore and even though Susan tries to play it off the little bitch has looked up the medical records and found out that she is indeed married.

Susan tries to run after her but in true Susan fashion she's still attached to the IV, ouch. When she catches up to the nurse she tries to explain things. Once she does the nurse forgives her, since she didn't pass all of those silly nurses tests anyway. What the hell? What kind of lame ass hospital is this? Certainly not Seattle Grace. The nurse also tells her that Dr. Ron's in love with her, if she hadn't already figured it out from the sappy note and flowers. For some reason, dramatic purposes I'm sure, Susan has the longest check in time imaginable because it seems like she's in the hospital for days before her surgery. Lynette even has time to show up and they talk about whether or not Susan feels the same way for Ron. She doesn't really. Not like with Mike and Karl. Lynette's been married so damn long she doesn't know what the hell Susan's talking about.

Finally it's time for Susan's surgery and Karl's in the waiting room. Mike shows up with some lame ass flowers and Karl laughs again. I'm glad to see someone thinks it's funny. Susan's being wheeled to the operating room and sees Mike. She's happy he's there for her, and when I say happy I mean, she's on medication. When she gets into the operating room, Dr. Ron decides this is the most romantic place to profess his love. Yeah, those paper hats and catheters do it for me too. She thinks it's sweet, and professes her love for Mike. Dr. Ron doesn't know who Mike is, because he's not the most observant guy out there. Susan passes out before she can answer anymore questions and nosy nurse blurts out the whole story about Susan being married and that she is the one in love with him. This is all news to Dr. Ron, who's pissed. He wants to "cut this bitch open". Wow, from "love" to "bitch" in a mere ten seconds. Sounds like my first husband. Ha, I've never been married, but I am taking proposals.

Bree's not having any better luck. She notices the girls having gabbing without her and assumes they're talking about her drunk ass. They are. She approaches them and they deny Lynette was just sh** talking her. She gives that tired excuse about alcohol interfering with her antihistamines. Later, Andrew catches her having her morning glass of wine and they argue over his trust fund. She insists that he wait until he's 21, and even wants him to wait longer, you know, cause he's an a**hole. When he calls her a drunk she slaps him. This gives him an idea. He has his boyfriend Justin punch him a few times and the next time Bree sees him, he's all bruised up. And he's laywered up too. His attorney's there to talk to her about Andrew emancipating himself to get his trust fund.

After the lawyer leaves Andrew walks in on her dumping all her bottles of wine in the drain. And when I say "all" bottles of wine I'm referring to the ten or so half drunk bottles she has scattered around the kitchen alone. Yeah, sure Bree, you don't have any problems. She tells him that she's going to start going to meetings and getting herself cleaned up so when she's in front of the judge she can claim that she's trying to get help. He thinks she's still just a drunk bitch and when he's walking away she throws one of the bottles against the fridge and it shatters. Man, she should play for the Red Sox or something, those bottles are thick. He tells her he hates her and she thinks that's better then being indifferent since hating her means that he still cares. Yeah, I'd rather have my kid hate me then not care.

We then see her at an AA meeting across town. Unfortunately she's not really paying attention during it because when she comes home she pulls out yet another hidden wine bottle and takes a few swigs.

Gabrielle and Carlos go to the adoption center and learn they'll have to "audition" to be adoptive parents. Gabrielle doesn't like the idea of a high school cheerleader that got herself knocked up passing judgment on them, but hey, that's the way the system works. The woman tells them that they'll have to put together a book, portfolio, if you will, showing why they'll be good parents. I would think a background check would also be required and a convicted felon not be allowed to adopt, but hey, there're a lot of pregnant cheerleaders so the pickings are thin. Of course all the pictures Gabby and Carlos have are either sex tapes or topless pictures of her and Tara Reid in Cancun. They go to Lynette's and ask to borrow her kids for some fun, "we're good parents" pictures. The adoption agency lady's impressed, even though Gabby can't remember Lynette's kids' names. In a true twist of fate, another woman who works at the agency is Helen Rowlands, the mother of the gardener Gabby was humping last year. She makes a quick dash and reveals who the Solis' really are to the adoption lady. She then takes over their case and warns them that she'll be telling the entire adoption community about these two.

Carlos is heartbroken but Gabby gives him a good pep talking, showing him, finally, that she really does want a baby. She says that there are other ways to make him talk. I'm sorry, I got confused there. There are other ways to get a baby. You know, like stand out on the street corner and bash the first pregnant woman you see in the head. That, or go to some sleazy lawyer who promises to get a baby for you, for the right price. Why they don't go to Africa like Angelina Jolie I don't know.

TALK TO THE HAND

After so many stellar shows, I wasn't surprised to see it slip a little. And by slip a little I mean it wasn't amazing, just great. I think it's a very interesting direction the writers are taking with Meredith, losing her friends and it's causing me to squirm a bit. It's great now, but if they keep it up it could get old, real fast. Kinda like McDreamy and Addison's relationship. Okay, he's pissed, we get it. And now he's gonna frak it up because he and Meredith will have an affair and there's another reason to not like the supposed "protagonist". I don't know why I'm going on about the things this show is doing wrong because I love it. I just had to get that bit of frustration out.

She doesn't really appreciate the male bonding

Poor George needs to get laid. I mean I know he just got laid, but that really shouldn't count. Sorta like "vacation booty". If you're in another state it doesn't count, right? Right? Sh** I hope not. Anyway, George is a changed man, at least his hair's changed. He doesn't want to be the object of Meredith's affection anymore. Honey, you never were. He tried to look like McDreamy but, ha, come on now, there really isn't a comparison. George is cute, definitely, but McDreamy? George takes out some scissors and cuts his long locks. Christina's in the kitchen when George and Burke come in, after a five mile run. They start making breakfast and have great banter. Christina just stares at them. Burke tells her that George has some issues and I wonder about his shoulder issue because it seems to be doing much better. Christina looks like she feels a little left out.

Meredith and McDreamy meet on their path of love, and walk the dog. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Meredith bitches and moans about her friends still being mad at her and we realize he doesn't know what she did. If he knows her he can figure out it probably has to do with fraking someone.

At the hospital George is still avoiding Meredith hard core. Everything just wants Meredith to apologize to him, but she claims she has, that he won't listen to her. I know how he'll listen, go kick him in the balls. Wait, that won't help, but it'll be damn funny. Ball humor always helps a situation.

This man even makes an oxygen tube hot

During rounds the docs visit Denny who's still not looking too good. I mean he looks good, who can complain about dimples like that. While Izzie gives the lowdown on his condition she and Denny do a little flirting. Always good for the heart, sex. Unfortunately Denny's condition's getting worse and Izzie and Alex volunteer to be assigned his case, much to Izzie's confusion.

I wonder what he does during sex

The next case is a woman, played by Natalie Cole, who has a brain aneurysm. Apparently you can walk around and have a good ol' time with one of those, until it bursts, then you die in about two seconds. Her husband's there, they've been on vacation. The reason for their visit? This is a good one. They've decides that since she's going to kick the bucket at any minute, to live life to its fullest. In living life to the fullest they decided to have a little fun while at dinner. She was, ah, under the table if you get my drift, when she had a small muscle twitch. There is no "small" twitch when you have d*** in your mouth. She clamped down and instinct took over for the husband because she stabbed her in the neck with a fork to get her off. That'll teach her. McDreamy tells them that he wants to take a look at this so called "aneurysm" and see if there's anything they can do. She refuses, having had too many tests and second opinions already. She just wants to live their life to the fullest until the end.

The final patient is Addison's. The woman's pregnant and has ruptured the membrane. She's been bedridden and is just waiting for the baby to come out. Her husband is there and can't stop staring at Addison. He says she looks like Catherine Deneuve. Yeah, I had to look her up too... http://imdb.com/name/nm0000366/ Anyway, Addy's flattered. When she finds Derek later looking at some x-rays she brings it up and wonders to him if she looks like Catherine Deneuve. He ignores her because he has better things to do then stroke his wife's ego. The guy goes on and on about how beautiful she is and when they're both in the cafeteria eating, she invites him to join her. Later, Bailey sees right through this and calls her on wanting Derek's attention but taking it wherever she can get it. Unfortunately this doesn't last that long, as soon as the man's wife has her baby he ignores Addison. Back to square one I guess.

It's a little too soon for 'take your son to work day'.

Dr. Bailey's finally back to work but she hasn't unlatched the baby from her breast. She claims the nursery was full and her husband is away. I think she just can't let go. The Chief notices this and wonders what the problem is. Bailey gives him some lip and he backs down. Christina happens to be standing there when a trauma comes in and Bailey hands her the baby. Christina doesn't know what the heck to do with him. Later, the Chief walks in on Christina trying to change a diaper. She offers to let him take over the duties, or as I like to call them, doodies, but he refuses and runs the other direction.

Man, put some peanut butter on him and call it a day

George gets approached by Meredith again and instead of taking the elevator with her, runs to the step. Not sure if the steps are the best choice for him, seeing he fell down them last time, but he does anyway without incident. He goes to consult with the lady doctor who flirted with him last time. She wonders why he didn't call and he says that he did, but hung up. She thinks that's cute. Yeah, just what every woman wants, a man with no backbone. Very sexy. In the "nasty" shot of the night, some teenager's in the emergency room because he's broken his finger. I considered a picture to go with this to show everyone but it disturbs me too much. He was playing hockey and his finger got caught in the net. It's broken in about 120918492749827 different places. They want to operate on it but since that'll put him out of commission for the upcoming game that night, he doesn't want to do it. Scouts will be there and he could get a scholarship. He promises to come in the next day but they don't think it's a good idea. They do just wrap it up though.

Tide, Tid, Tie, Diet, It, DIE! What the hell?

In Denny's room Alex is checking his vitals and he asks about Izzie. Alex says she has other, hotter, patients she's taking care of. Denny tries to be upbeat and have fun with Alex, but Alex decides to piss all over Izzie and makes it clear he and Izzie are together. Denny's crushed. When Izzie's playing Scrabble with Denny later he asks her about it. She reassures him that she and Alex aren't really a thing. I mean, yeah, they do it in the broom closet every now and then, but she certainly doesn't have the same feelings for him as she has for Denny. While they're talking, Denny starts having breathing problems. Dr. Burke comes in and says what Denny really needs is a new heart. Well no sh** Einstein. He does come up with a solution to bide some time until a new heart comes in, some sort of electrical valve. There's risk with putting it in, like having to stay in the hospital until they find a new heart, but it'll give him more time to wait for a heart. After a few loving pleas from Izzie, he decides to get the surgery, if nothing else, to piss off Alex.

Let's hope they don't meet another gurney in that narrow hall

Meredith talks to Natalie Cole to figure out why she doesn't want the surgery. She says that before she got sick she spent years not being noticed by her husband. She's afraid that if she got better, it'd go back to that, instead of the amazing relationship they now have. Her husband also talks to Derek about the situation. He tells him the same thing, that he pretty much ignored her for all of those years and now that he has finally rediscovered her, it may be too late. He wants Derek to talk to the wife and convince her to do the surgery. When Derek talks to her, he says he knows what it's like to have a cold hearted bitch for a wife, and that now that she's not like that, it could be great for many more years to come, if she would just let him do the surgery. The wife finally agrees to it, and as she's being wheeled in she makes her husband promise to do all the things they were going to do, even if she doesn't make it. She wants him to blow all of their money. Yeah, easy for her to say, she's gonna be dead and he's going to be living off Medicaid when he's 80. She pulls through and I'm a bit upset since I thought for sure she'd be Denny's heart.

"Hey, while we're here..."

When Alex gets Izzie's page to meet him in the broom closet he's ready to go. She's not ready though and scolds him for telling Denny about them. Alex gives it right back to her telling her she shouldn't have become friends with one of the patients, especially one that's about to die. She kicks him in the balls and leaves. Okay, I'm obsessed with balls today. I don't know what's going on.

Precious!

Later, in the cafeteria, Christina, George and Izzie are all talking about their respective lives. Meredith comes out to sit with them and George gets up and leaves, sitting down with his new lady doctor friend. Meredith tells the girls again that she's tried to apologize but he just doesn't listen to anorexic hos. When Alex comes up, Izzie's still pissed and storms off. This causes Alex to slam his tray down and wake up the baby who starts crying. When Christina can't get him to stop crying, she takes him into the observation room as Bailey does her surgery. Bailey listens to him cry and says that it's his "hungry" cry. I have the same cry, annoys the hell out of my roommate. Christina tries to feed him but she just doesn't know how. Burke's no help either. George comes along and scoops the baby up who immediately stops crying. Burke comments that it speaks to his good bedside manner. Bam! In your face Christina. Your boyfriend just called you a bitch. Bailey later finds Christina in the on call room, sleeping with the baby. When she wakes up she tells Bailey that she's not a babysitter, and she doesn't want to do that again. Bailey, amazingly, doesn't argue.

Even more adorable

The finger guy is back. In his wisdom, and because he must have no parental supervision he decided to cut off his finger so he could play. The internet's a useful thing. He read up on it and learned just how to do it and that it can be reattached. The kid's on a high because even with nine fingers he kicked ass in the game and made a good impression with the scouts. Luckily he brought the finger with him so they go try and reattach it. Unfortunately, whatever website the kid was on didn't talk about proper wound cleaning and the stub got infected with staph. They break it to the kid that his hockey days are over because he will most likely lose some function in his hand.

Derek pushes Meredith to tell him exactly why everyone's mad at her. He promises not to get mad, but when she tells him that she slept with George, there's a moment there where I think he may walk away, but alas, he doesn't. He tells her to apologize but she tells him to stop beating a dead horse, of course she's apologized. He tells her to do it again and again, until he listens to her. She doesn't know how and he suggests doing it in the elevator, since that's what he does when he wants to talk to her.

I didn't realize he was married to his mother

When Derek gets home that night he takes Natalie Cole and her husband's situation to heart. He tells Addison that he wasn't there for her before, and she agrees with him. After he gets that all out he apologizes. She's stunned that he's finally coming around. Me too.

"La la la, I don't see you"

At the hospital, Meredith takes Derek's advice and as George is getting on the elevator she runs in so he can't get out. She gives him a speech about them being friends, and she knows that he's still mad at her, but she'll always be there, not giving up and will apologize until he forgives her. It's a really nice moment. When the elevator opens he leaves, without saying a word to her.

All they need is Mr. McClusker my 6th grade band teacher and they'd be set

Luckily for George he has trusty old Dr. Burke at home. When Christina gets home she interrupts a jam session between the two. Burke's taking the manly route and playing the trumpet while George becomes a thirteen year old girl and plays the clarinet. Christina just walks into the bedroom, frustrated. These two are totally cute.

PUZZLE ME THIS

Since there's no Survivor for three damn weeks, relish in this post, people. You won't see one for nearly a month. Freakin' NCAACP basketball! CBS knows reality shows, I'll tell ya that much. Between this one and The Amazing Race... A little drama during this show and for the first time, someone begging to be sent to Exile Island.

When we last left our trusted Survivors they were just kicking Bobby out for no other reason then Danielle rallying the troops because she didn't like him drinking the wine. Cry me a river Fun Bags. Anyway, when they get back to camp and try to go to sleep, Shane starts running his mouth that they made the wrong decision voting for Bobby, that it should have been Bruce. Wouldn't have been as bad if Bruce hadn't been laying right there with them. Shane's had it with his tribe and wants out of the alliance. He says he can't do that because he swore on his son. Apparently if they "give" his son's name back, that will make the pact null and void. Look, if he's just gonna make sh** up as he goes, what's the point, really. Of course Cirie is listening to all of this, having a great time because the more the alliance has problems, the less likely it'll be they vote her off. The next morning Cirie and Danielle download Courtney on everything she missed while sleeping on the beach the night before. They think it's a good idea to release him from the promise cause then they'll vote his ass out. When Shane approaches a little later they release him from the alliance, much to everyone's relief.

Over at La Mina, Sally feels the exclusion from the boys' club. She's worried she'll be the next to go if they lose at the Immunity Challenge. Of course everyone is hungry and still not blaming her for losing the damn spear. She comments about not thinking the all-man's club will last. Well der, someone's got to get voted out eventually. She must be the rocket scientist. Nick and Dan decide to go not catch any fish and Dan finally reveals his secret, that he's an astronaut. Then he tells them he shot JFK. Nick, and eventually Austin, are impressed and excited to know a real life astronaut. Later they get Tyra Mail, I mean tree mail, and learn the next challenge will be both for Immunity and Reward. Terry realizes they have to win this, to be five on five strong when they merge. If not, Sally's the next to go.

It's a puzzle, hurry the frak up

When they get to the Reward/Immunity Challenge, Jeff goes into the long winded explanation of what they're doing. Basically out in a field are four large puzzle pieces. Three team members must, one at a time, run out and untie the big pieces. Once it's untied they have to run back with it. Once all four pieces are at the mat, two other tribe members have to put together the puzzle with the pieces. Similar to the skull pyramid a few weeks before, there's only one way these pieces will fit. Jeff then tells everyone what they're playing for. Hula hoops looks like, hula hoops and soccer balls. Like they have the strength to play anymore games. Actually, the games are for the kids in a nearby village. The winning tribe will take the presents and give them to the children and join in a barbeque with food, drinks, and some much needed human interaction. Everyone's excited. Then Jeff tells them that the losing team will lose someone to Exile Island. The good thing is, that person won't be voted out at the next Tribal Council. Umm, I wonder who it's going to be.

These are three guys I wouldn't mind being stuck on a deserted island with

The challenge starts and La Mina takes a quick lead, having strongmen Austin, Nick and Terry untie and carry the pieces. They have all of their pieces and start assembling the puzzle way before Casaya does. Shane and Aras are having no trouble carrying the pieces but big boobed Danielle is having lots of trouble. To her credit she pushes through it and finishes. Dan and Sally realize they just need to get one piece in. Once that's in the other three will be easy. Unfortunately they can't even get that and as soon as Bruce and Cirie get it, they quickly put the last piece in, securing victory. La Mina is devastated and quite frankly, so am I. Casaya plays a good game and sends Sally to Exile Island, free from being voted out which she definitely would have been that night.

I'll let the picture speak for itself

On Exile Island, Sally's extremely happy to be safe. She does a little digging (in the correct place) for the Immunity Idol, but since Terry already found it, she doesn't have much luck. She comments about it being exciting to think there's an Immunity Idol out there and I laugh to myself because she'll never find it.

Just 'cause

Casaya arrives at the village and starts partying with the locals. There’s enough food there to cause them great stomach pains later, but they eat it all with great delight. I’m concerned about how they must smell to these clean villagers but I’m sure Mark Burnett’s paying them enough not to care. Shane’s so happy to have a full (and bloated) stomach that he even apologizes to Danielle for going off on her. Cirie doesn’t like this too much because she doesn’t want the alliance to ally themselves again. She talks about it being a double edged sword because in a way she didn’t want to win the challenge, so that Shane could go home. The thought hits me, Sally was the one “helping” put the puzzle together for La Mina. Hmm, interesting. Shane’s eyes bulge out when he sees a man walking around with a cigarette. He tells us at home that he’d give anything for a cigarette, his shirt, his pants, that son he keeps making promises on. The man’s nice enough to give him one and he sucks it down, all the while saying how bad nicotine is. He looks like a crack addict.

Aw, look, he supports Lance Armstrong's cancer foundation

Over at La Mina, the tough decision has to be made about who to send home. Everyone’s a hard worker, but unfortunately, it was the screw up of Dan earlier with the puzzle that cost them Immunity/Reward. Because Terry’s an upstanding guy, he goes to Dan and tells him that he’s going. Dan takes it like a man and understands why they’re making that choice, although he’d like to stay. I agree with the guys though, not really another viable person to kick off besides Sally. At Tribal Council the editors try to work with what they’ve got and make it seem like a hard decision, leaving the remote possibility that Terry may vote for one of the younger guys. It doesn’t happen and Dan gets voted off.

IDOL'S TOP 12

I’m getting bored with Idol, I’ve decided. I mean, I like seeing Paula high and I like seeing Simon in the tight black shirts he’s so fond of. Okay, well maybe "like" is the wrong word. Anyway, after the weeks of performances I’m convinced this year’s going to be won by a man. The girls pretty much sucked, except for Mandisa. We lost four people this week, not the four worst, so I don’t know what America’s thinking.

First up for the girls is Paris who’s disappointed me for the past two weeks. At auditions she was amazing, but nowadays she’s just trying to be too cute. She’s okay, but truly, I don’t see her making it into the top 5. Not with the stiff male competition. Ha, I just said stiff male. The judges basically tell her to act her age. Randy’s still on the Paris bandwagon. I think he’s shtupping her grandmother.

Lisa’s next and man I’d like to put her in front of a mirror and show her what she looks like when she sings. Tyra would call it “Fierce”, but it’s not that attractive. She does pretty well with the song, but the judges aren’t blow away. They think she’ll make it to the top twelve, and so do I, but she really needs to pump it up a bit.

Melissa McGhee’s voice is like butta. I really like it and she’s been picking really good songs. Randy and Paula are back on the lovin’ everything train, but Simon’s still running for the station. For some reason he thinks Melissa’s the one to go. She’s certainly not the worst singer.

Next up is Kinnik who does much better than I expected. The three judges aren’t impressed and again Simon tells her to pack her bags because she’s going home.

One of the best singers is Katharine McPhee who she does fairly well with this song. I really like this girl, even though she reminds me of Katie Holmes. Although it wasn’t the best performance the judges think she nailed it. I’ve decided there’s a conspiracy. The judges talk and talk about it being America who votes and decides but we can only vote on what they give us. Not just the judges, but the producers as well. More on that later.

Ayla is next and she sings Natasha Bettingfield. I would think with Ace’s misstep last week with Natasha’s bro, Daniel, they’d try and stay away from the entire Betttingfield clan. Unlike Ace she does okay. I love the song but I’m not too impressed with her and she’s wearing these huge heels that makes her like 6’4’’ or something. The judges aren’t impressed either and Simon thinks she’s too rehearsed. Um, aren’t they supposed to rehearse? I guess he means by the giant stick up her ass.

Next is Mandisa. All the other women should just go home now, really. This woman rocks the house. She sings “I’m Every Woman”. She works that stage and belts it out to make both Chaka and Whitney proud. All the judges love it and Simon insists that all the other girls should hate her since she’s the woman to beat.

Last but not least is cutie Kellie Pickler. She sings Melissa Ethridge and to my great surprise, she does really well. I think this dumb southern blonde thing can get old, but it hasn’t yet. I hope she stays a bit longer, but I don’t see her making it into the top five. Unless she has one of those secret phone bank dialing things where a computer votes thousands of times for one person. I can see some weird nerdy guy being in love with her and setting that up.

Finally the girls are done and we’re on to the real singers, the men.

Gedeon is first and again, I love this guy. I think it still stems from when Simon made that rude comment about his smile. Even if Gedeon doesn’t make it through this competition, he’ll be able to get some sort of record deal. The next biopic movie they make that Chubby Checker or Chuck Barry has to be in, he’s the man. I think he’s adorable and although the judges like him, they don’t think it was his best performance. That’s cool, I think he’s safe.

Chris Daughtry is next and damn he sounds good. His look is kinda growing on me too. I mean yeah, I rocked out to this kinda music in high school, but still, he does an awesome job and he truly knows who he is. Randy and Paula thinks it was amazing, but Simon didn’t like the song choice. Okay, but he kicked its ass.

Poor Kevin Covais is next. Will someone please put him out of his misery. I don’t want to make fun of someone with a speech impediment, but he has one, and shouldn’t be singing. It’s annoying and comes out when he sings anything with an “S”. Randy and Paula really like Kevin and refuse to say anything bad about the performance. Why? WHY? Really. Conspiracy I’m telling you. They just want him to make it to the top twelve so when they tour he can appeal to the younger female audience that buys tickets.

Bucky Covington performs next and there’s something about this kid that I love. It’s certainly not his twin brother Rocky, who’s kinda creepy looking. I know they’re twins and all, but it’s weird to see them both. Bucky’s a sweet country boy who’s just trying to sing his little heart out and I admire that. The judges weren’t too happy with it and although Randy and Paula try to mention how nice he is, Simon brings us down to Earth and says that we won’t even remember the performance by the end of the show.

Will Makar is just so damn cute. He’s definitely the guy in high school I’d have a crush on. I think he does a great job, but since they already have their cute (?) girl magnet for the top twelve, they decide to rag on poor Will. Paula, of course, likes it, and Will, and nearly runs across the stage and tackles him.

Taylor sings next and again I’m forced to close my eyes. I mean he does a great job, singing and all, but he is just not attractive and he does some weird ass dance moves. Because they want to attract old ladies to the top twelve concert, they tell everyone how great he is, but not without criticizing his dance skills.

I’m one of Elliott's biggest fans, but he just doesn’t do well. He seems completely unsure of himself and I think maybe everyone’s high expectations are starting to get to him. Randy and Paula don’t really mention how bad he did, but Simon tells it like it is. He agrees with me that there’s something off about Elliott tonight and although I don’t vote this way, I’m afraid America will not care that Simon called him “potentially” the best male singer EVER in Idol history a few weeks ago and vote him out.

Last up for the night is Ace and quite frankly, he can’t do worse then he did last week. If he barked his way through this song it’d be an improvement. He sang the Michael Jackson song “Butterflies” and I’m already worried. Michael Jackson is hard enough. I’m glad he didn’t try “Smooth Criminal” or “Bad” though, that would have just been awkward. I should have known something was going on, they put him last, which means they at least expected him to be really good. He was awesome. He did half the song in falsetto and although I can’t stand falsetto singing he nailed it. He did everything right for me, he sang right, he looked HOT HOT HOT, and he did the right boy band moves. I’m back on the Ace train. Randy and Paula thought it was great too and Simon had to get an underhanded comment in by saying it’s because of Ace’s looks that he can get away with not so good vocals. Whatever.

Luckily I Tivo’d the results show because most of it was absolutely boring. They sang and so did last year’s runner up Bo Bice. I’ve always liked Bo Bice, but not the way he molests on a microphone stand, that’s just weird. I could have done without all of that though. I just want to know who the hell gets kicked off.

I won’t bore you with all the banter, although I have to admit the first boy/girl eliminations were fairly quick. Ryan did his whole “Last night Paula said… America voted…” When he got to Kinnik, the first girl in the second row, he didn’t waste any time, he just told her he was gone. I mean she was gone. Not sure if Bo Bice’s antics lasted too long or what, but it was a bit awkward. He did the same for the guys and quickly booted cute Will.

Okay, she's gotta stop letting Aunt Lucretia do her hair in the kitchen. That's just atrocious

Next up on the chopping block, if you follow the pattern, were Ayla and Melissa. Ryan brought them on stage for a quick opinion from the judges. Eventually it was Ayla who left. Can’t say I’m surprised and I’m sorta glad it wasn’t Melissa. I think she has a lot left to show us. She keeps getting better week after week. Finally the last guy gets voted out and like I said before, with the exception of Kevin, all the men are pretty good. All with their own style. When Ryan does the thing I can tell they’re not aiming it towards Kevin. Why? He sucks. Anyway, it comes down to Bucky and Gedeon. Yes, Gedeon, what the hell is that about? For reasons I’ve already gone over, the guy I wouldn’t mind seeing go is Gedeon. He has lots of talent and a big career ahead of him. Unlike Bucky who has a motor home and Milwaukee Best in his future if he doesn’t make it into the top twelve. Top twelve will guarantee his spot touring with the group. Luckily I’m only partially hurt as Bucky stays and Gedeon goes. He leaves us with a song that he just nails. Good for him, I’m sure we’ll be seeing him again.

TYRA MAIL!!

It feels like just yesterday we were treated to women behaving badly but hence, we’re back for another ‘cycle’ of America’s Next Top Model. For those of you not in the industry, ‘cycle’ refers to the shows menstrual state. I won’t bore you with the beginning half of the show. At least the beginning two thirds. Unlike Idol, we’re not treated to loads and loads of hopefuls who think they’re the prettiest girls in the world, although that would have been awesome. We meet the final 32 and there are some real dogs amongst them. I guess they’ll have to do. There’s one girl who if I ever find I’m gonna beat over her head. She’s a racist homophobe who I won’t spend anymore time talking about. I will say that the other girls don’t want to have anything to do with her and hope she’s not going to be in the house with them. Tyra and the Jays wonder how she’ll do in a business that’s full of blacks and gays. She doesn’t really answer and I think she just wanted to get on TV.

During the first hour we meet some of the girls who are bound to make it into the house. Jade, a multi-racial woman who’s okay looking, but at 28 is a little long in the tooth. Of course if you asked her she’d say she was God’s gift and didn’t know why some agency hadn’t picked her up. She should be fun.

Sarah, who looks surprisingly similar to the sorta gay Sarah from last season, was spotted in a shopping mall and asked to audition for the show. Furonda is straight out of the deep south and while that racist bitch runs her mouth she almost hits her. I like her already. A girl named Kari’s also there. She has big hair and big lips and seems like a nice girl. Wendy, from Louisiana gets the sympathy vote since her family was devastated by Hurricane Katrina. She tells the story of the last she heard from her father he was in a car filling with water. Did he call from a cell phone? She tells Tyra that was the last time she spoke to him. She’s pretty but she has no bottom eye lashes.

Something about this picture disturbs me

Gina, the token Asian, interviews with the group and makes a fool out of herself. She insists she’s a strong Asian woman but then talks about not dating Asian men. What? She’s a bit confused and something tells me this competition won’t do anything for her. She’s pretty, but she isn’t Top Model material in my opinion. Leslie shows the judges her tattoo inspired by Angelina Jolie, something about killing people makes you stronger. I don’t know.

Beautiful, just beautiful

Nnenna is my favorite I think. She tells the judges the story of why she has an African accent. Apparently, she was born in Nigeria. She had all sisters and since her father wanted a boy, forced her mother to have another baby, which turned out to be a girl. Unfortunately, her mother died a few days after giving birth and Nnenna and her sister were shipped off to America. She’s now a chemist, living in America.

The top twenty are announced and much to my dismay, that racist bitch is one of them. The girls are told they must do their own make up in ten minutes and prepare for their first photo shoot, a beauty shot. They quickly get ready and do the shoot. When the judges look at their pictures they’re stunned at some of them and happy about others. They narrow the field to 13 and the racist girl is kicked off.

Their first challenge involves the self proclaimed “first supermodel”, Janice Dickinson. Jade thinks she said “oldest supermodel” and I chuckle because the bitch is old. Janice makes an appearance and gives them some advice. She says they need to stand out in a crowd. She then tells them that the challenge will be a press conference. Some no name people are there to ask the girls questions. Jade takes the whole 'make your presence known' thing a little too far. She’s just rude and Janice calls her out on it. Gina makes a fool of herself again when she's asked a question and can't answer it. Nnenna pulls through though and makes a good impression. After the press conference Gina's feeling a bit embarrassed and Jade doesn't help things by confronting her about her heritage and why she thinks she fraked up. One of the girls rightly points out that Jade just wants to make her feel bad to make herself feel good. Luckily, Jade doesn't win the challenge, Nnenna does. She's able to go to the house early with three other girls, and pick their rooms. Only looks like she has about a thirty second head start, but that’s enough to find good rooms.

When the rest of the girls finally see their house, they're surprised at the amazing digs. The house IS sweet. They run around and pick their rooms, which have been made out to match particular supermodels. That night they all go out to eat and Gina decides to wallow her sorrows in some wine. And some more wine. And a little more, until she's fall down drunk. That night the girls hop into the hot tub and decide to go topless. The girls start daring each other for money to run around the pool naked. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, it's all girls, but the viewer has to remember the crew that's not only there, live, but the ones who are gonna see it later when they watch the tapes and then show it to other people in the office. Jade tries to play cool, like she'll do it but when push comes to shove she backs out. The girls realize she's all talk and even though she pretends to have all of this confidence, it's just a show.

Some of them worked...

And some of them didn't

The next day, Jay meets up with the girls at the salon and they’re excited to get their makeovers. Jay tells them all that they’re going bald. The girls are mostly apprehensive until Jay says they’re going to fake it with bald caps. Haha, this'll be great. Sh**, then he tells us it was a joke, they're just going to wear bald caps and head to the studio. Their pictures are with manequins and they have to blend it with them. It sorta freaks me out. Most of the girls are really nervous and Jay calls them on it during the shoot. Some of them, who we thought would be fierce, like, Furonda, who was practicing in mirror, are just awful. Nnenna again rocks it out and everyone's impressed.

The evaluations begin and most of the pictures look surprisingly good seeing that it's the first photo shoot. The two worst are Furonda and Kathy. Kathy's ugly. And quite frankly, so is Furonda. I guess models don't have to be pretty. In the end it's Kathy that gets kicked out and I can't say I'm too upset, although I'd like Jade gone, she's a bitch.