THERE'S A FIGHT FOR MY HEART

VS.

Well, you all know that my heart belongs to only one man, Jack Bauer. But, it pains me to say, someone else is creeping his way in... Bear Grylls. Bear (real first name, Edward, i.e., Hotness) is the host of the Discovery show, Man vs. Wild. He was in the special forces. Hot. He broke his back skydiving and still does it. Hot. Hot. He's climbed Mount Everest (and made it to the top) Hot. Hot. Hot. He's tall with dark hair and blue eyes AND an English accent. Seriously? Jack honey, you got some major competition here.

Bear gets dropped down into wilderness, Alaskan, Australian, Everglades, etc., and teaches us how to survive if we're ever stuck in these types of situations. Do I care that he pees on his shirt and wraps it around his head to stay cool? No. Do I care that he eats spiders and turtles and grubs? No. Did it bother me when he got a bout of dysentery and puked and crapped all night? No. Is it a turn off that he drinks his own piss when water is scarce? Um, actually no. Is it wrong that all that turns me on? Kinda. He jumps in water that is alligator infested. He climbs mountain faces. He carries a live snake around so he can eat it fresh later. Again, seriously? He hops into ice water in Alaska to show how you can survive accidentally falling in. Oh, and did I mention that he built a fire, stripped naked and did push ups?

If you get the chance to watch the show, even if you don't want Bear to father your children like I do, you'll be intrigued at the things he does to find his way to civilization.



Jack, Bear, Jack, Bear? One's real, the other one is the love of my life and will always keep me safe from harm. Until my Jack comes back in January, Bear will do. But Bear will have to understand that part of my heart will always belong to my beloved, Jack Bauer.

HEY PAULA! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

If you've ever watched American Idol you may already know this... There is something seriously wrong with Paula Abdul. But now I think I figured it out.

For some reason she agreed to have a TV crew follow her around for her new Bravo show, Hey Paula. I was sorta excited to see this because I thought it'd show a glimpse of her life and dispel any rumors about her being crazy or a drunk. I mean, why would you agree to this if it put you in a bad light, right? Well, that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Paula comes off as a crazy, drunk, diva bitch. Case in point. Idol is about to start up so she has a few press junkets, but her time is mostly spent doing events and taking care of her own stuff. She has to fly off to New York or somewhere to show her jewelry on QVC. Her time slot is 1am. That should tell you something. She's taking the late night flight out after the Grammy's here in L.A. and has less then an hour to make it to the airport when she wonders out of the Grammy parties and trips on the street looking for her limo. In the limo she changes out of her dress for the plane ride and realizes her assistant didn't bring her comfy pants, instead she's going to be forced to ride in the plane with her black skinny jeans. The horror.

Yes, packing your own bags and have people shuttle you to and from where you need to be can be, Paula

With less then 15 minutes until her flight takes off she refuses to get out of the limo at the airport until her assistant finds the right pants. Her publicist, who travels with her, is pacing the LAX passenger loading zone waiting for Paula to emerge. They have her bags open and searching for the right pants. They don't find them but Paula, who's in near tears, tells them to at least find her comfy shoes. Her assistant hands her some black boots into the limo and Paula's pissed because she wanted her white shoes. I know this all sounds trivial, but this should explain a little bit about the diva bitch she is. She's complaining about her assistant because the girl didn't pack HER bag correctly. Bitch pack your own bag! Once they're at QVC the next day, she's floored by the state of the jewelry she designed. I don't really understand what her problem was, and I don't think the QVC people did either. I have to say, once she's on camera she's great, a little nutty, but great.

Does Design Imposter Perfume have a "Crazy" line?

The best part in the two parter that aired last week is what we can assume is the next day. Now, I worked in reality TV and one thing I know is you can never trust the times that flash on the screen. We're told that it's 8am on day one, and she heads to the company that's working on her perfume line. They start the meeting and then the time tells us it's 1pm. If you notice, there are wine glasses on the table in front of Paula, and she's in this crazy Straight Up outfit with gold buttons. Bare with me, that'll mean something in a second. Anyway, after the meeting she's quite loopy, and goes down to the science floor or whatever to see how they're creating the fragrances. She's slurring her words, wobbly, and very silly throughout. At one point she drops the paper tester strips on the floor and stays down there, crouched, while she smells them. It's so embarrassing, and I'm not sure how her publicist agreed to do this show.

On her way back from an fashion awards ceremony which we're told is later that night, and that she was late for and took her sweet ass time getting to as they announced her name and the host had to stall, we're told that Paula is an insomniac as her day ends, close to 4am. They tell us that she has to be up at 6am that very same day. Which means she's going to get very little sleep. To ensure that the team stops at Starbucks for a jumbo latte or whatever she's drinking. Maybe that's the problem Paula!

We're told that the next day she's doing a press junket for American Idol. If you remember, this is the same one that was highly publicized because the ho was a bit nutty during it, i.e., drunk. This is where the shirt from the day before comes in. She's wearing the same shirt which makes me think that this happened on the SAME day as the drunken perfume meeting which means she's STILL DRUNK from that when she does the junket. That's the only thing that makes sense to me. Of course, they preface this segment by telling us that Paula's fighting the flu and very sleepy from not getting any sleep these past few days.

Although I know the tricks of the trade, I usually don't pay attention to them because I know they're just added for dramatic effect, like on the Bachelor when they want you think the couple has only been out a few hours when in production time, it's probably a lot longer then that. But this, this is the publicist and attorney working overtime to make it look like Paula wasn't drunk during this and actually sick and tired. She goes nutty, the whole time her publicist keeps repeating how tired she is, but also admitting that when she gets tired, because of, we're told 40 interviews she's doing that day, she gets loopy. No shite Sherlock.

I have to say, as horrible as this show sounds, I can't stop watching it. I've even Tivo'd it. Why, you may ask? Well, mostly because I want to see how they can ever spin the show to make Paula look good, plus, I want to see her be crazy and diva like. If you catch just one episode, you'll get to see how a true diva acts and appreciate someone like Kathy Griffin, and her D-list attitude a little better.

Did I tell you I'm addicted to Bravo?

THOROUGHLY DISTURBED

Can I just tell you, I am thoroughly disturbed. There's this show on TLC called Big Medicine. I just found the show last week. I was watching Little People Big World which is an amazing show about little people. If you haven't seen it, you should definitely check it out.

What I really wanted to tell you though is how crazy this Big Medicine show is. It's about a father/son surgery team that specializes in gastric bypass surgery. I definitely know how hard it is with overeating and being overweight, but gastric bypass is so lazy. I hate to say that because I understand it's the last resort for a lot of people, but it's true. They don't teach the people how to eat healthy, they just shrink their stomach so they eat less of the crap that's caused them to be fat to begin with. At least, it doesn't seem like they give them much therapy. They have a chick who does some counseling, but that's just to make the doctor's feel okay about doing the surgery. I do like these doctors though, they're funny, they have a great relationship and when they do surgery they have contests of how can do something faster or better. I'm not sure how I'd like seeing this if it was me they were doing the surgery on, but it's fun to watch!

They have one guy who's 730 pounds. Now, he got this way I'm sure because he had seven Big Mac's, 8 super sized fries, four "diet" cokes and eighteen apple pies for lunch. I mean, who knows, maybe not, but that's what I'm sure it takes to get that heavy. Anyway, I feel bad for the guy, and he's one of those cases where the surgery is the only thing he can do because he obviously has a serious problems with portion control.

Well, his insurance company doesn't think so and denies his claim to get the surgery. I mean, this guy is in serious need for some help. He can't move, he can't wash himself, nothing. All he can do is eat. So they deny his claim and he's clearly upset because it's basically a death sentence. When they try to move him out of the hospital after months of being there (instead of spending the money on the surgery early on) they can't even move him from the bed to the gurney. It's really sad and I'm curious to see what happens with this poor guy. He's in serious pain just being moved, and it takes nearly a dozen people.

They also have people who come in that do the surgery and they do the before/after pictures and it's amazing, they lose 60-90 pounds in just three or so months. Then there are the people who have already lost the weight and need to get the excess skin removed. This, I definitely understand. Now, if you lose that much weight so quickly you do have all of this skin that was so shocked about what happened it has no time to shrink up properly. They had this one guy who said that he's worked so hard to lose the weight that now he deserves to have the skin removed. Um, how the hell did he work hard? Did he go to the gym, cook his own food, eat right, no. He laid in a hospital bed for a few days and had his stomach shrunk. Seriously dude, more power to you, but you didn't work hard for shite. I'm sorry this bugs the crap out of me.

As much as it seems I've complained about this show, it's very interesting, even the annoying lazy people who choose to do this surgery. One good thing is watching the surgeries makes me not hungry.

24 HOURS

Okay, so this isn't exactly accurate, but you get the idea

So, I finally made it through 24 hours of 24. I felt like a bad girlfriend. I Tivo'd the second half of the season and didn't watch the last 6 hours until recently. I don't know what my problem was. It was good. Jack was cute, and sassy, everything you want in a CIA, oh, excuse me, CTU operative.

Bom chicka bom bom

I don't really remember the last time I wrote about the show, but I think it was a long time ago. Basically what happened was Jack got arrested, went rogue, someone took over CTU and killed Milo, Chloe was rude to a lot of people, the Vice President was an ass, but we found out he wasn't having an affair because his wife died, but Lisa, the girlfriend, was having an affair with Michael Shanks from Stargate SG1 who was working for the the Russian government.

First let me start out by saying how sad I was that President Palmer went back into a coma because of the bomb Reid planted awhile back. That crazy VP Daniels took over and started going war crazy and never listening to CTU. Luckily Karen was back and Tom actually started realizing that this guy who he was supporting was a little loco. The American people would have been proud and happy that Tom recorded Daniels and his sweet cheeks girlfriend plotting treason by lying about Karen and blackmailed him. I guess he was good for something.

Anyway, so you remember the nuclear weapons Jack was tracking down at the beginning of the season, well, you didn't think that was the big story did you? Silly. Well, there was a Russian chip in those weapons that had Russian technology that would somehow give whoever was in possession of it Russian secrets. And everybody wants Russian secrets, especially the Chinese. You know those bad Chinese who kidnapped Jack? Well, they wanted that chip and they waned it bad. But how could they get it? Jack. Yes, they called Jack and told him that Audrey, who Jack thought was killed when she went to China to get him, was actually alive and they've had her in captivity. I know it sounds crass to say that, like she's an animal, but that's how it was.

Crazy is as crazy does

And nobody fraks with people Jack cares about. Nobody! Cheng, that bastard who had Jack tells him that he'll give him Audrey back if he gets him that chip. And how is Jack going to do that when the device is under lock and key? Well, he'll steal it. I love Jack. Can we get married? Sorry, I digress. So Jack steals the chip, but gets caught by Doyle. Damnit Doyle! But that didn't stop our Jack, wait, my Jack, he pulled a gun on Doyle, stole the chip and traded it for Audrey who was a bit cookoo from being held so long and tortured. Unfortunately Doyle screwed it up and Cheng got away with the chip.

Now, since Lisa, VP Daniels' girlfriend was playing a little "how's your father" with Michael Shanks the Russians found out about this and threatened a military strike on an American base. So let's just say Daniels was desperate to get that chip back.

Hotness, readers. Readers, Hotness

You know who else was desperate? Cheng. Apparently there was something wrong with the chip and he had to get it fixed. He decided to do what everybody else every other season was able to do, invade CTU. I was pissed about this storyline, until I saw the guy who was in charge of the invasion. Hotchimamamaker. Lordy. I'd like a moment of silence for the hotness that is this man. I don't know what his name was, but I'll just call him Hotness.

He is so slick, hiding behind the dead guy

All the CTU teams were out following bad leads for Cheng, and Jack got reunited with Marilyn and his nephew Josh. But then he got thrown into a holding cell. Okay CTU, here's a clue, never lock Jack in the holding room. I guess they didn't know they'd be invaded by the hotness. Jack heard the invasion and was able to get out of the room and find Josh and Marilyn.

Duck!!

Down in the bullpen Hotness asked who was in charge. Oh, probably a good time to tell you now that Karen had to fire Bill because of politics and he put Nadia in charge. Anyway, when Hotness asks who's in charge Nadia hesitates. Good thing too because Milo stands up, claiming he's in charge and Hotness shoots him in the head. I wish I could say I was sad. I mean, I loved Milo first season, and earlier this season when he was in the field and got chased and shot, but I wasn't sad, just shocked that my new husband Hotness did this. Turns out, Hotness isn't after the technology in CTU, he's after Josh!

Jack, Marilyn and Josh make it to some air ducts to get out and Josh gets out before Marilyn and Jack get caught. They're brought downstairs and Hotness makes an announcement that Josh hears that he'll kill his mother if he doesn't come out. He does and Hotness sends him through the sewer system underground to Cheng. But you didn't think our dear Jack would stand for that, did you? Morris, Nadia and him take out the guys as everyone is being moved and Doyle finally shows up and the hostages are rescued. Jack goes through the ducks after Josh.

Guns are sexy. Especially when fired by Jack Bauer

When Josh gets to Cheng, Cheng puts him on the phone with his grandfather! He's the one fixing the chip and is trading it for Josh. He wants to take Josh to China where he thinks their life will be better. All this for that? Anyway, they take off right as Jack gets there and Jack takes out a few cars, a few people, and gets Josh back, but Cheng escapes.

While all of this is going on, Daniels tries to fool the Russians into thinking they have the chip, but it doesn't work and their military moves closer to ours and are ready to strike. Josh tells Jack it was his grandfather who was after him. The every plucky Bauer, Sr. calls Daniels and tells him that he has the chip and wants Josh. Doyle gets the message and takes Josh while Jack's back is turned and they fly away with Jack yelling.

Nobody really likes this idea, especially Jack, who calls Karen and tells her not to trust his father, that he'll keep the chip, and Josh. Karen tells Tom and Tom basically says that he agrees, but he can't negotiate with Daniels and that she should do what she needs to do, and he'll look the other way.

"You're not making the meatloaf again, are you dear?"

Karen calls her man and tells him what's going on. He agrees to help and she gets them the location Doyle's at, waiting for the exchange, and the location of the car that's carrying Jack. Unfortunately she's caught and is arrested.

Let's hope he has other skills

BS sends his men to get Josh and Doyle opens the box he thinks has the chip in it and it explodes in his face. He's alive, but badly hurt, and Jack and Bill arrive in time to see the little boat with Josh going into the ocean. Doyle's okay, but may be blind in both eyes and they take him away. Jack figures out that his father must be on one of the oil rigs out in the ocean and they find out which one.

Because Daniels still hasn't learned his lesson, he listens to the trigger happy generals and says that the Russians deserve to know the chip was destroyed and orders an air strike to blow up the oil rig, with Josh on it! They have twenty minutes, and Bill and Jack steal a CTU helicopter and storm the rig. They kill everybody but Cheng, and as BS and Josh are getting away, Josh grabs a wrench and hits BS, grabs the gun and shoots him. Jack soon shows up and talks Josh out of killing his grandfather, sending him up to the helicopter with less then two minutes to spare. BS has the chip, but Jack doesn't know this. He tells his father good riddance basically and runs for the helicopter. I'm thinking we haven't seen the last of dear old Dad. Bill takes off in the helicopter and meets Jack who jumps onto the ladder and hangs on just in time before the missiles hit the rig and it blows up.

Bye Jack

The Russians are satisfied, Cheng's in custody, and Josh is okay. Before they get to shore, Jack lets go of the ladder and falls into the water. Josh yells that "Uncle Jack fell!". Jack doesn't fall silly. Bill goes around to pick him up and Jack gives him a heartfelt wave. Bill understands that Jack needs to do his thing, since he was arrested about five times that day.

Her sarcastic whit's finally got the best of her

At CTU, Chloe collapses. Earlier in the day Morris broke up with Chloe because she made him feel guilty for arming the nuclear weapon. He's concerned for her and when he goes into check on her in medical, he says that he loves her, and he does want to be with her. She says good because she's pregnant. I'm not sure how I feel about Chloe being a mother, but it'll be cute to see crazy, sarcastic Chloe pregnant next year.

Daniels admits to Tom that he judged Wayne Palmer without knowing everything he was going through, and feels bad. Wow, a round character on CTU. I'm floored. Tom gives him back the blackmail tape and suggests that, to avoid a public trial, he release Karen and Bill, and force them into retirement. I like this plan.

Ah, to be loved by Jack Bauer

Jack shows up at Secretary Heller's house to see Audrey. Heller's not Jack's biggest fan because he was the reason Audrey went to China and got kidnapped. Earlier in the day Heller told Jack that everybody he loves ends up dead, and that he has to stay away from Audrey. Jack doesn't listen and breaks into Heller's house, saying he's going to take Audrey away so they can be together. Once he sees Audrey, practically comatosed, but in good hands, he realizes that Heller was right. The season ends with Jack standing outside of Heller's house on a cliff, looking down. I was so worried Jack was going to either jump or shoot himself in the head. I knew this wasn't possible for two reasons. One, I would have heard it already, and two, they've ordered another season of the show and there can't be a 24 without Jack Bauer. And we fade to black.

Although I didn't watch this season like I had every other one, I still enjoyed it. Yes, it's cliche and you pretty much know what's going to happen, it's still pretty damn good. What do we have to look forward to next season you may ask? A pregnant Chloe, a blind or half blind Doyle, no Karen and Bill unless they kill them like Tony and Michelle (RIP), Jack maybe doing a normal job, i.e. not being rogue, Bauer, Sr. and yes, A FEMALE PRESIDENT. Life imitating art? Let's hope so.

I'll miss you my darling Jack. Until January...