COOKIE MONSTER

This episode was so on the edge for me. I was very afraid we were slowly slipping back into the rut that was the beginning of the second season, where everyone was a caricature and I didn't care if they lived or died. Like I said, it walked the fine line the whole episode but ended up being good. Hopefully that was just a blip and the jackasses that were the women of Wisteria Lane from a few months ago, won't return. And a note, I wasn't able to find any pictures for this episode, so I apologize. I added a few, not really DH related, but that's the genius of having my own blog, I can't do whatever I want.

Oddly enough, Tom's not even in this episode, but damn he looks good here

Lynette's called to Parker's school because apparently he's starting to get curious about what's underneath women's skirts. I'd think he'd be one of those kids that just tape mirrors to his shoes, but he's not like his mother, he's bold, tells people exactly what's on his mind. The teacher says she caught Parker trying to trade a cookie for a peak at what's under Cindy Lou Who's skirt and see her vajayjay. Of course, the teacher doesn't call it a skirt, she calls it a pinafore. I don't know what the hell a pinafore is. It's a cookie right? When Lynette finally sits Parker down and asks him why he's a perv, he says that one of his buddies told him that's where babies come from which thoroughly confused him since how the hell can a baby fit up there. Honest question. Lynette's not really ready for this situation, so she tells him that Tom will be back in a few days and he can explain it. Kinda the parenting skills I excepted from Gabby, not from Lynette. He says that's cool, he'll just ask his buddy's older brother, apparently this guy knows everything.

That gets Lynette interested in helping her child and sits down with a glass of wine and some crayons. Yeah, my mom had to be drunk too to teach me about that. She draws some stick figures to tell the story of how life is created and tells him that when the mommy and daddy hug real tight, a seed is magically implanted in the mommy, resulting in a baby in 9 months. He doesn't believe her, but I kinda do. She says that mommies never lie and when he won't go upstairs and wash his hands, that Santa won't bring him presents at Christmas. Nice.

Later, Lynette comes into the house and finds Mrs. McClusky hard at work on a Fudgesicle. Before she leaves she tells Lynette that Parker asked to see her vajayjay. Not just that, he asked if he could put a seed in it to see if a baby grew. I just threw up a little in my mouth. When Lynette tells her that she did try and explain the birds and the bees, she just softened the blow a bit, McClusky tells her that she did it all wrong. What she should have done is explained it and made it sound sick, so that when he thought about doing it later, he didn't want to. And so we find the root of most men's problems. When she's talking to Parker later and telling him that it's not right to talk to a woman about her vajayjay until you're old enough to know what to do with it, he just doesn't get it. He keeps asking "why". Finally she can't take it anymore and blurts out that its dirty and disgusting and she'll wash his mouth out with soap. He looks extremely hurt and she starts remembering all the times he was obsessed with things, and how happy he was. So instead of sitting him down and explaining to him what she meant by all of that, she just goes out and buys him a puppy. Lord knows men stop thinking about vajayjays when dogs are around.

While all of this craziness is going on, Bree's at the courthouse, ready to finally go mano y mano with Andrew. Peter's there with her, and they're holding hands. I love this relationship. She and Andrew are staring each other down when all of the sudden Carol Burnett shows up. What the hell is she doing there? Well, apparently she's Bree's step mother, Eleanor. Danielle called in the cavalry to help her family out. I bet she didn't tell them about the big hot black man she's dating. When Eleanor makes some snide comment about Peter and his long hair, Andrew quickly tells her that he's Bree's AA sponsor, which of course causes Eleanor to nearly have a heart attack. She's not used to family members getting help through a professional group.

Bree's father comes out of the judge's chambers and announces that he's old friends with the guy and has gotten a continuance. This pisses Bree off because she wanted more than anything in life to stomp Andrew into the ground in front of an audience. Her father, Henry, thinks it's nonsense to air all of their dirty laundry out in the open, and they can settle everything as a family. This man is clueless.

When they finally get home and sit around a table, Henry tells Andrew and Bree that he heard about this new technique some Dutch doctor is claiming works to help forgiveness. You just have to say that you forgive that person and the heart will soon believe it. I wonder if I can make someone love me that way. Regardless, Andrew and Bree aren't buying it, but when Andrew plays the victim to his grandparents and says it, Bree's forced to. Eleanor doesn't really believe this mumbo jumbo, but she goes along with it because her husband thinks it's great. Andrew then takes this time to talk about the trust fund he wants, since that was the whole reason for the lawsuit to begin with. Henry doesn't think that's a good idea and Andrew blurts out that he couldn't possibly live with someone who hit him. Bree admits that she slapped him but we all know how much he deserved it. When Andrew says it's because of her drinking, Henry's surprised when Eleanor tells him Bree's in AA. Bree shoots back, pointing out that he was drunk when he ran over the neighbor's mother in their car, killing her. Andrew tries to get in a good jab by saying she watched George kill himself, the same man who killed his father. I'm not sure people would consider this a bad thing, but I guess he does.

When Bree goes downstairs at nighttime, she finds Eleanor sitting on the couch brushing her hair. Not the hair on her head. Ewe, get your mind out of the gutter, she's brushing her wig. Bree sits down and Eleanor tells her that they're taking Andrew back to live with them in Rhode Island, because Andrew's asked to live with them. Bree refuses to let him go and Eleanor tells a sweet anecdote about when Bree was a child and would make these awful cookies that she kept baking and forcing them to eat. Bree says that her mother loved the cookies but Eleanor says that some people praise children when they don't deserve it. Ouch, this bitch is rough. Eleanor points out that Bree always resented her for her high standards. Bree corrects her and says that no, it was because she made some kick ass cookies. Eleanor then takes her hair and tells Bree that they're taking Andrew with them and that she should just realize that she failed as a parent.

Later, Bree's peering out of the window when she sees Andrew and Justin arguing about Andrew going all the way to Rhode Island. Andrew peels away, leaving Justin there. Bree comes out and asks what's going on. Justin says that Andrew just told him that he was leaving and how sad he is. Bree tells him that she knows they're good friends and Justin points out that he loves Andrew. Bree rightfully asks him why he loves him and he explains, which is quite sweet. When his parents kicked him out because they were ashamed he was gay, Andrew told him that he should be ashamed of them, not the other way around. Andrew said they were stupid not to see how great he was. Justins says that Andrew doesn't take crap from anyone and how could you not love someone like that. You can almost see the light bulb go off over Bree's head. She then recruits Justin to help her keep Andrew in town.

And so the plan begins. Bree comes downstairs with some of Andrew's boxes as her father and step-mother pack up what's left of his stuff. Bree hands her father the opened box and it's full of porn. I'm assuming this is Justin's porn, or Justin told Bree where to find Andrew's stash, either way it's kinda icky, but awesome. He picks up a movie called "Rods". I've seen it, not as good as everyone says. He then looks through a magazine. Eleanor catches him and scolds him for looking, but he's mesmorized, they're all dudes. This is strange because whenever I show my guy friends my male porn collection they never want to look at it. Anyway, the grandparents are flabbergasted and appalled. Bree just says, "boys will be boys" and shakes it off. She says that it's probably just a phase. From a woman who's been in love with many gay men, trust me, it's not a phase. Bree points out that regardless of what it is, it's not her problem anymore. Eleanor pulls Henry into the other room to have a "serious" talk.

Andrew comes home, excited to be getting away from his mother and wonders where the grandparents are. Bree says that they left but left him a nice little note. The note says that not only can he not live with them, but they're taking away his trust fund. I feel truly torn here. As much as I like to see this little bastard's trust fund taken away, the fact that it's taken away because he's gay is completely fraked up. He wonders what he's going to do and Bree says that he'll just have to stay there with her. He's a bit shocked but she says that she wants to make it work. She's even had a nice talk with Justin and invited him over for dinner. Later we see Andrew and Justin sitting at the dining room table playing a cute game of cards as Bree comes in, all smiles, but a little uncomfortable, to serve them a huge ass apple pie.

The most boring story is about Paul and Felicia. I'll keep it simple. Obviously Felicia's pissed Paul's not only there, but that he's alive at all since he killed her sister. Still not sure how he hasn't been arrested for this, but I'm sure it was explained and I ignored it. Anyway, she decides to take matters into her own hands, but not kill him, just scare the crap out of him. As he steps out of the house he takes a hard spill on the front porch. Felicia's in her yard, mixing some cookie batter. This show's all about the cookie today. Anyway, she faux wonders if he's okay and he says that he slipped on some shortening. Hey, you think you're pissed now, try getting that crap out of your clothes. Later, as he's lighting the bbq it nearly explodes because someone's switched out the lighter fluid for gasoline. Again, Felicia's there to offer her concern. He's a pretty smart guy and realizes she's behind this, telling her she should come over later for some burgers and a margarita, he's got a great blender they can use. Then, early in the morning Paul hears and sees a tarp go over his house. When he and Zach come out, a crew is putting one of those disturbing looking termite tents over his house. They're surprised he's still in there. Felicia comes over and fakes like she accidently put their number on the work order and not hers. Paul's got her number alright. He walks up to her and they whisper. She makes some snide comment about Mary-Alice killing herself and Paul attacks her. Of course no one heard what she said, they just wonder why he's trying to beat up on an old lady.

Over with Susan, she comes over to visit Karl after Edie's gone. He's of course in a towel and nothing else, which isn't half bad because he has a pretty nice body. Anyway, he she wants to know what the hell all that bed stuff was about the night before. Whu whu whut? The night before? There are so many things wrong with this being the day after the party, I won't go into them, one of them being Susan not being on the cane anymore, but I'll let you guys figure it out. (Hint: Carlos and Gabby's story below couldn't have happened a mere 24 hours later because the stripper had the baby during the engagement party) Anyway, Karl says that he's in love with her still and wants to be with her. She comments that the helium hasn't even gone out the balloons from his engagement party yet. Karl says that if she says the word, he'll leave Edie so they can be together. He threatens to take his towel off so she can feast her eyes on what she's missing and part of me really wants him to do it. She gets appalled that he would even suggest this, being engage to such a saint, and storms out.

At home, Susan's gotten some nice red roses. Julie's pissed because she's opened the card and read that they're from her dad. She reads this somehow as Susan's fault and berates her for having feelings for her dad again. When did Julie become a little bitch? I mean, yeah what Karl's doing is despicable, but why is she being a bitch to Susan, her closest confidante? When Susan asks if they're still going to the movies, Julie says they're not, and to just call her dad if she wants a date. Susan decides to go alone and when she gets there Mike shows up with a date. She looks kinda skanky, but definitely a step up from Skeletor. Susan tries to duck down in the seat so he won't see her, but we know how these things go. He says fairly loudly that he's going back out to get some napkins and Susan quickly hops up and sits next to the first guy she sees, the lovely Kyle MacLachlan. She quickly explains the situation and when Mike sees the two of them, says hi. Kyle introduces himself to Mike, saying he's a dentist. Mike wonders how they met and Kyle says that he's been looking in Susan's mouth for years, and last week he decided to put his tongue in it. Ha, that's awesome! Susan's a little startled but grateful to Kyle when Mike leaves. She wants to know if she can sit there during the movie and before he can answer his date comes back. Didn't we know something like that was going to happen to her?

Later, there's a knock on Susan's door and it's Kyle. Apparently when she ran out of the theatre she dropped her wallet. I wonder what Mike was thinking when he and his date went to leave and he saw Kyle with some other girl. Regardless, Kyle tells her that he put one of his cards in her wallet in case she wanted to sit next to each other at the movies on purpose. Very cute. She says she has a complicated love life and next thing we know they're sitting down in her kitchen, talking about it. She's explained everything and he's as confused as we are to who it is she really wants to be with. She also admits that she does have feelings for Karl, no matter how hard she tries to deny it to him and Julie. Because he's a perfect stranger and won't judge her, don't worry honey, I think he already has, she wants his opinion on the situation. He tells her that Karl is a tool and a coward, that he just wants her to make the decision because he can't do it. He's so right about that. He then gets up and tells her that if she does need that tooth whitening, his card is still in his wallet.

Susan walks into a ballroom while a band practices for a Bar Mitzvah. Karl's in there and has called Susan, saying it's an emergency. Since we all know what a douche he is, it's not really an emergency. She complains and gets ready to leave when their song starts playing. They start dancing until he brings up that whole, 'give me the word' thing. She takes Kyle's advice and tells Karl that he's a coward and just wants her to do the hard work. She says that he's the same weak coward that walked out on her a few years ago. Ain't that the truth. Then she leaves.

Karl shows up at her door, looking sad, his car in the background. He tells her that he broke it off with Edie. Not for her of course, but that she was right, he's a coward. She feels bad for him but you can tell a little happy, since this is just what she wanted to happen. Then, being the brain surgeon she is, she invites him in for some wine. The next thing we see of them, he's in bed and they're snuggling. She admits that she does have feelings for him and that she's so happy things have worked out. Personally I would have given it a day or two before sexing up my ex husband/husband three doors down from the woman he just broke up with, but hey, that's just me. Soaking in their post coital bliss, Susan's phone rings, it's Edie, looking for Karl. He calmly talks to her and promises to pick up the juice from the store on his way home. Hmm, curious. When Susan questions him about it he admits that he didn't really break up with her, he told her he was helping Julie with some homework. Apparently, he just needed to see if Susan still wanted him. Susan remarkably picks up on the fact that he just cheated on Edie with her. She's the "other woman". Karl doesn't see what the problem is, now that he knows she wants him, he can break up with Edie for real. Susan's pissed and starts throwing his clothes down the steps. Sitting at the kitchen table is Julie, doing her homework. I'm a little sick to my stomach thinking she was downstairs listening to her parents do it. She just rolls her eyes and Susan shoves Karl outside in his boxers.

Carlos and Gabby are in court with the baby they kidnapped and named Lily. The judge doesn't take kindly to people stealing babies out of hospitals, even if the mother is a white trash stripper. The state argues that they did find the father of the baby, who's unfortunately at Spring Break in Florida. When they told him he was a father he texted them back, using some teenage lingo like "bummer" and "this blows my mind". A Rhode Scholar, I can tell. Until the court can rightfully hear from the birth father, the judge grants Gabby and Carlos custody.

Once home, the girls come to Gabby's house to see the baby. We find out they named her Lily after Gabby's grandmother. They remark how good Gabby looks for being up all night with the baby. They assure her that Lily will probably sleep through the night in a few months. Gabby blows this off since she's going to be hiring a nanny and night nurse to mother the child. Carlos overhears this and is appalled. They start arguing and the women leave them to it. He doesn't want to pawn his kid off on some stranger to raise. I have to whole heartedly support him on this one. She argues that if she's well rested, she'll be a better mother during the hour or so a day she gets to spend with her. Carlos brings up how great his mother was and worked her finger to the bone. Gabby yells that that's what put her into an early grave. Oh yeah, that and walking in on her daughter-in-law doing the gardener and running out into the street and getting hit by the neighbor's drunk teenager.

That night, or some night (the way the continuity is on this show it could be any time) Lily is crying in her room. Carlos wakes Gabby up to get her, since he has some interviews the next day and needs to be well rested. She bitches and moans and he wonders what her problem is since with Xiao Mei cleaning she really has nothing to do around the house. Gabby jumps up and goes to get the baby. Then she walks into poor Xiao Mei's room and wakes her up. She tells her to watch the baby and she won't have to do windows the next day. There's so much wrong with this bitch I don't even know where to start. Xiao Mei is confused, but does what Gabby says, taking the baby out and singing to her while Gabby gets into her bed and goes to sleep.

I'm really gonna beat this woman. The next morning poor Xiao Mei is sleeping on the job because she was up with the baby the night before. Gabby comes down and says how much she appreciates her help. She's even going to give her a free spa day. This makes Xiao Mei happy until Gabby tells her she's leaving for her yoga class and to feed and put the baby to bed. The next day, or soon thereafter, Gabby's running out of the house to meet Bree for lunch. She yells to Xiao that she'll be back soon. When Gabby runs into the restaurant, she apologizes to Bree for being late. Bree's cool with it. She tells Gabby about seeing Xiao Mei just a bit ago at the spa. Gabby's heart sinks, but thinks that maybe Bree was just seeing things. Bree says no, it was her, they spoke for about twenty minutes and she said that Gabby got her this nice spa package. Gabby realizes she sucks at being a mother and races home to her infant daughter left unattended. The kid looks fine but I think this is the last time Gabby's ever going to leave that kid again. When Carlos comes home he's surprised to see Gabby with Lilly strapped to her in a baby holder thing, doing yoga. He offers to take her and she says that's okay. It's an extremely sweet moment that I'm glad happened. If it hadn't I would have thought Gabby was a mean hearted bitch who I wanted to kick in the face for being such a bad mother.

TIMES, THEY ARE A CHANGIN'

So remember last episode, when Eric and Jeremy used the Fast Forward and I bitched and complained because I thought it was extremely stupid, being they've always been the first or second team anyway? Why doesn't anyone listen to me?

The frat boys leave at nearly midnight. They're clue tells them that they have to fly halfway around the world to Oman, near Saudi Arabia and United Arab Emirates. Hopefully not too clsoe to any bomb dropping. I'm sure my blog just got pinged by a dozen or so government agencies for saying "Saudi Arabia", "Arab" and "bomb" in the same paragraph. Anyway, once in Oman, they'll have to find a giant incense burned to find the next clue. They start across a huge bridge and search for a shuttle bus depot and sign up form. Wouldn't you know it, the first bus is out at 9am. Ha-ha, told you so! Okay, I feel better now.

When Ray and Yolanda leave next, like four hours or so later, they talk about how they have a very joking relationship, and are sarcastic towards each other. Yolanda points out that sometimes it can lead to a bit of confusion. As they're walking to the bridge, they get a little lost, what's new. Their playful banter turns ugly when Ray tells her to "Just find the damn bridge". Oh no he di'int. She's pissed, and tells him not to talk to her like that. They get so frustrated with each other that while she's walking ahead of him he shoots her the bird. I searched high and low for a picture of it, becaue it was great, but alas, wasn't able to find it. Although this is extremely funny, I totally understand how she gets pissed. What I don't understand is how she knew he did it. I tell ya, we sistas have eyes in the back of our heads. Time for some silent treatment.

Everyone except the hippies makes it to the first shuttle. When it leaves we see the hippies walking through the rain to the bus as the other teams yell and holler at them, happy they have such a huge lead on at least one other team. Fran's going crazy banging on the bus window, I guess to get the hippies attention through the tinted window. What I love about the hippies is when they do finally make it on their bus, which is empty, they pretend the other teams that have been eliminated are on it with them. They do a spot on impersonation of Lake and Dani and Danielle. It's really cute.

Once at the airport Fran and Barry are done being the nice old people, they're the cut throat old people, which are truly the best. They find a flight to Oman getting in just before 11pm going through Bahrain. This is nice, they can stop and say hello to Michael, Prince Michael, Paris, and the other one he dangled over the railing. Aftwards, they try to hide where they got the ticket, as if the other teams won't find out. The other teams get in line for the same flight. BJ and Tyler, surprisingly arrive while the other teams are still at the check in counter. The teams refuse to give them any information about it, and I'm wondering why. It's not like they can't go to the next counter and ask. It's really petty and stupid and I feel bad for them. They end up getting on Qatar Air flight that will get in a little less then an hour later. Damnit!

That's right, everything should always be translated into English

When the lead teams finally make it to Oman, they're impressed with the cleanliness and opulence of the city. Monica says that Americans think they're rich, but it's not this kinda rich. What's she talking about? I don't think I'm rich. I certainly don't think America's that rich. You know how many homeless peole we have lady? Anyway, The country is beautiful, even the McDonald's Eric and Jeremy point out looks like a castle. Ray comments that he doesn't know what language they speak but he can't even look at the signs because they're all squiggly. Ha, he's so funny, and right.

Luckily for the hippies, when the teams get to the giant incense burner, it doesn't open until 6am, so they're able to catch up. Unfortunately, this down time doesn't allow Ray and Yolanda a chance to make up because they're both pig headed and won't apologize to one another. At least that's what the producers are making it seem like.

Never was there a truer statement made

The next morning, all five teams run up the hill to the next cluebox right underneath the giant incense burner. I wonder if they actually burn incense in it. That'd be so cool. Especially if it was that "special" incense. The clue tells the teams to drive to Sur, a fishing town, and find a ferry crossing. Wouldn't you know it, Ray and Yolanda get lost right out of the gate and the other teams try and follow each other. This is where it gets funny, each team wants to be first but they also don't want to spend the time looking at the map and want to follow someone else. When Eric and Jeremy stop for directions, Fran and Barry cruise by, which is awesome.

When the caravan of everyone except Ray and Yolanda get to a dirt road. A man standing there tells them to put the trucks into four wheel drive. A small man leads them through a large stone bed and shows them where to drive through nearly hip deep water. Monica loves the little guy and to show her thanks they thank him in English. BJ and Tyler show a little more respect and thank him in whatever language they speak in Oman. Since we know Ray's not found of the "squiggly" lines on the Oman signs, it's no surprise they're still trying to figure out where the hell to go.

The caravan then gets to another body of water that they presumably have to cross in the car. Since there's no cute local man to help them, BJ and Tyler and MoJo dare each other to go first. Eric and Jeremy show up and see the three teams waiting, and because they have no common sense they plow through the water first. Unfortunately they don't get stuck and go on, with the other teams following behind. It's quite entertaining. Monica bitches that Eric and Jeremy have this thing about being first, and how much it sucks. I completely agree with her, but in their defense, they all were just sitting there. After a few, Ray and Yolanda go through and it seems like they're pretty far behind.

I think this is how Eric and Jeremy pick up women too

Even though Eric and Jeremy were eager to fly past the other teams, it's MoJo, Fran and Barry and BJ and Tyler who get to the cluebox in Sur first. It's a Detour. In this one they have to choose either Camel or Watchtower. I don't know when they stopped having the Detour's rhyme, but I miss it. In Camel, the teams have to use a pulley to lift a camel into a truck and take it to the camel guy down the street using a drawn map. Not too complicated. In Watchtower, the team has to take a fairy to one of three watchtowers and search for some sort of scroll. Not all the watchtowers will have the scroll in it, and if it doesn't, they have to then keep searching the other towers. They have to deliver the scroll to someone about a mile away for their next clue.

Actually, a fairly good rendition. He even got the shading.

When they get to the islands with the watchtowers BJ and Tyler quickly find the scroll, as do Fran and Barry. MoJo doesn't find it as fast and gives up fairly quickly. I mean come on, you only had two sets of steps to run up to check it. They decide to do the camels and head off. Eric and Jeremy have meanwhile gotten to the camels and are just about to head off. BJ and Tyler and Fran and Barry get to shore and head to the silver shop to deliver the scroll. Oh and look, BJ's drawn a picture of the camels. When the frak did he have time to do that? It's quite good.

Eric and Jeremy are driving, trying to find the camel man as BJ and Tyler and Fran and Barry get to the silver shop. They get the clue and learn they're going to some place I can't remember or pronounce much less write out correctly. MoJo have loaded their camel and Joseph feels comfortable, from glancing at the map, that he knows where he's going. I'm not so comfortable. One team, besides Ray and Yolanda, who are having a hard time with direction is Eric and Jeremy. They start worrying about where they are after driving for what seems like a long time and not finding where they're suppose to drop off the camel. MoJo finds the camel guy just before Monica goes into full whine mode. I want to know where the hell Ray and Yolanda are at this point because they're way behind.

MoJo gets back to their car and realize Eric and Jeremy are still driving around looking for the camel guy. Eric or Jeremy laments that this is the worst experience he's had. What? Waking up with your nuts Super Glued to your leg wasn't as bad? I find that hard to believe. Before they can bitch too much they find the camel place and head out to the next designated area second to last.

We finally get to see where the hell Ray and Yolanda are when Eric and Jeremy get back to the camel collecting place as R&Y are starting to load their camel in the truck. Once on their way to drop Mr. Camel off, Yolanda thinks the camel doesn't smell as bad as she would have thought. Not really sure where she got her camel smelling knowledge from, but it was obviously wrong. I guess because the map was drawn better then those stupid ones they print in stores, Ray and Yolanda find the camel man and get the next clue, which they rush off to.

BJ and Tyler and Fran and Barry finally get to the Roadblock. There are a bunch of small mounds of sand and they have to search through until they find the one that has some nasty spiced lamb thing cooked how the locals do it. They have to dig it up and then present it to the dude standing there to get their next clue. Phil tells us this will be their dinner that night. Ha, that's messed up. Apparently there's over a hundred mounds to dig through, in the hot desert. Since Fran had to bungee jump last time, Barry's forced to do this one. He and BJ go off and do it. It looks really difficult, mostly because the sand is heavy. This isn't beach sand people.

In the car with MoJo, she's really excited they're almost there, so excited she nearly annoys Joseph. After he points out that she's on the verge of doing that she stops. When they get there she opts to do it and comments on how hot and sweaty it's going to be and how he's not going to want to sit in the car with her after this. Did they not bring deodorant? They all dig and dig to try and find the special mounds, no one finding anything and getting a bit agitated. I'd be agitated too if I had Fran on the side yelling at me to find it. What do you think I'm doing woman? Tyler is quite supportive though. When Monica starts to complain Joseph cuts that off, telling her not to pout.

When Eric and Jeremy get there, Eric decides to do it and gets encouraging words from his partner, not too concerned about the abnormal heat his friend is in. Then we're treated to a shot of a lovely camel with what seems like gas or something as it yells or whatever you'd call whatever it is a camel does.

Oops!

Monica and Barry are the first to find their ovens in the right mound. Ha. Monica yells to Joseph that she's going to clear the sand off first, and unfortunately Barry's in his own little world because he just tries to pull the top off, dumping all of the sand on top of their dinner. Since it's literally an oven in the hole, it takes him awhile to get it all out without burning himself.

Ray and Yolanda are still arguing in the car. She comments about how he seems like he's stressed. Wow, I wonder what could be stressing him out. He says he's relaxed, which doesn't look to be that true, since it looks like if you stuck a piece of coal up his ass a diamond would come out. Yolanda then "goes there" and brings up the whole cursing thing. She says that he cussed her out the day before. This is where playing the tape from the night before would really come in handy. Hopefully the two of them are sitting at home, watching this episode, realizing how stupid it was they were arguing about this. Like I said, this just needs to be resolved by these two simple words, "I'm sorry".

MoJo's the first team with the next clue, which tells them to drive 150 or so miles to the next Pit Stop. BJ's really struggling and Tyler tries to encourage him, saying the next stop is the Pit Stop. When Barry finally comes up with the buried food and takes it for the clue, Fran grumbles about getting her out of there. Um, wasn't he the one just working his ass off in the hot sun while you stayed over in the shade with some camels? Sorry, I just thought that was rude.

Eric and Jeremy come up with the food and are excited because this means they might even make it to first or second place. As Eric and Jeremy leave, they see Ray and Yolanda. Yolanda starts digging for them and Tyler's still trying to help BJ along. It's not really what he wants to hear anymore and basically tells Tyler to shut the hell up. Ray also tries his hand at encouragement by telling her to take her time and get pattern a pattern going. She says to herself, "your mama got a pattern going". What the hell is that supposed to mean? As he tries to say some more stuff she puts the digging tool to her mouth to tell him to shut the hell up. Damn. I know who the problem is in this relationship and it's not Ray. Luckily Yolanda soon finds a bag and quietly tells BJ she found it. I guess she was afraid, like I was, that he would just lose it and die right there. He looks like he's pretty far gone and might not make it much longer. She tells him to not give up and gets the clue to head to the Pit Stop.

Finally, after what Tyler tells us is over an hour of searching, BJ finds the clue. Tyler is the best partner, very supportive, never getting frustrated. All the teams are now racing to the Pit Stop. Eric and Jeremy, because they can't stand to come in anything but first, decide to take a "short cut". Okay, here's the rules on The Amazing Race. If you're in a foreign country, or even a place that's foreign to you, never take the back way or what looks like a short cut. It never is. It's starting to get real dark out as they make their way down dirt roads, finally realizing that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I think it was a great idea, I want them kicked off. We all know this probably isn't an elimination round, so the most that'll happen is they'll lose all of their possessions. I'm okay with that too.

Even though MoJo is first out of the Roadblock, they have to stop for directions. We don't see Fran and Barry come by, so I'm not sure if they've actually passed them. Phil's on the mat waiting for the first team to come up and it's none other than Fran and Barry. Extremely interesting. When MoJo finally do arrive, it's dark out, so I'm wondering how lost they actually got. Ray and Yolanda show up next because of Eric and Jeremy's dumbass idea of a short cut.

He is so stupid and corny, but I have to admit, he's kinda growing on me.

In the car with both of the last teams, they're saying how they both know they're last, and they'll take their licks. I'm so glad this happened to the frat boys so they're knocked down a few tiers. Ultimately, it's them who get to the mat first and are surprised they're not last. When BJ and Tyler finally make it there, Phil, of course, tells them that it's a non-elimination round. Like we didn't see that coming. They give him all of their money and they're not too worried. They say they've always wanted to go around the world with nothing but the clothes on their back, so this is a great adventure for them. Probably won't hurt either that they're in one of the richest countries in the world and will probably be able to panhandle.

HAYWIRE, HAYWIRE

I have three gray hairs spouting right in the middle of my head and I blame Fox. This and 24 are making me crazy. I love them both, I do, but I'm going to be either bald or gray haired if I have to take much more of this. I mean nowhere as frustrating as being in jail for a crime I didn't commit, but you get the idea.

Last we left our lovely Michael Schofield, he had checked himself into Crazyville to reconnect with his old celly, Haywire. I guess for a few hours, probably a day or so, he's been trying to get Haywire to remember him. It's not really working because they have Haywire medicated. I guess they need them all medicated because they walk around without any shackles like they own the place. Anyway, Michael finally gets Haywire to remember he's the guy who stole his toothpaste. Not really what he was looking for, but a start I guess. Before he can get any more information a stupid nurse interrupts. It's time to make the doughnuts. Oh wait, sorry, wrong memory bank. It's time for Michael's pills. He's not really into the whole drug thing, but he thanks her for the offer. She insists and even has the big orderly dudes come up. They tell him that if he doesn't swallow it they'll put it up the "rear door". I really want to see this, but alas, it doesn't happen, Michael takes the pills. He opens his mouth so the orderly can confirm he swallowed them. When the guy walks away he spits them out. Not sure how he did that, but I'll just go with it. Michael goes to Haywire and tries to get him to remember him again, that he drew his tattoo from memory and he needs him to do it again. Unfortunately the drugs have taken effect and Haywire's back to staring stupidly out of the window.

Typical man, missing the bowl.

In Michael and Sucre's cell, C.O. Geary (the one that steals sh*t, like Michael's watch) and Bellick are talking. Since Sucre's in the SHU and Michael's all crazy and such, the cell is up for grabs. Seeing they're both douches, they realize that it's prime real estate, and someone is bound to pay for it, and that they'll auction it off to the highest bidder. Later, Geary shows the cell to an old inmate who offers him $200 for it. Geary agrees and when the guy's leaving, he notices the leak in the toilet. We all know why the toilet's leaking right? RIGHT? It's because there's a big hole in it from where Michael's detached it from the wall to get around. Geary tells the inmate that he'll put a work order in within 24 hours. T-Bag overhears this and when Geary comes out asks him if it's still Michael's cell. Geary says that it's not.

Westmoreland and C-Note are trading stories about their daughters, bonding really. It's quite nice. Westmoreland shows him a pocket watch his wife gave him, with a picture of their daughter in it. I'm sure this'll come into play later. C-Note feels bad for him and Westmoreland confides that his daughter's doctors think she has probably a week or two left to live. Just then T-Bag arrives and tells them what's going down with Michael's cell. When he tells them that Geary's asking $200 for it, C-Note's confident he can get that.

C-Note goes to Geary and inquires about the lovely piece of reality in A-Block. Geary high balls him and says he's getting $250 for it and C-Note says he'll double it. Geary's intrigued and says that he doesn't want him to pay him in tube socks, cigarettes and blow jobs. C-Note gets it and says he'll get the money.

In Crazytown, Michael's having craft time with clay. He's really working it good. He has nice and rough hands, that- Oh, sorry, there I go again. Anyway, he approaches Haywire and tells him he has a surprise for him in the broom closet. Never a good place to see surprises, but under the not so watchful eye of the orderlies or whoever watches these crazy murders, Michael takes Haywire into the closet. He pushes him against the wall and tells him he has something in his teeth. Oh, that's nice he's gonna help- HOLY CRAP! Ewe, he puts his fingers down his throat and makes him throw up the pills he took. You know how much I love Michael but that's sorta nasty. Haywire wants to know why he did it and he says that he used to call them "invisible cuffs" and that he used to hate them. Haywire's too stunned to say anything and walks out.

This kid is always crying

In the SHU, the C.O. tells Lincoln that he has a phone call, that it's his son, and it's an emergency. Later, on the phone, he's lecturing LJ on trying to kill Kellerman. Not really a great spot to be doing that from, but I guess he has to be fatherly. LJ's pissed and says he doesn't care what happens, that he's tired of them always winning. Lincoln just has him put Veronica back on the phone. She says that he's being charged with attempted murder and the murders of his mother and stepfather. Basically he's fraked. Veronica said it wouldn't be as bad if LJ would just show some remorse. Yes, it's always better when a double homicide defendant shows remorse, makes me not want to kill him slowly and painfully, lethal injection will do. Lincoln thinks that if he could just see him, he'd listen. Veronica says she'll try to get him a visit, but she doubts it'll work. She's miss negative pants lately isn't she?

Meanwhile, C-Note's in the yard to find one of his boys, Trumpets. I wonder if C-Note's name used to be Middle C, but that's too long to say, and no one really got it so they switched it to C-Note. Anyway, he tells Trumpets that he wants all outstanding debts collected immediately. Trumpets agrees. Trumpets it kinda a weak name don't you think? Trombone, that'd be my name.

Kellerman's driving in the street, minding his own business, when he's ambushed by Brinker. She's pissed that LJ, a sixteen year old pothead, tracked him down. Why's she mad at him, he's not the one who scrawled his own name on the well. You'd think he'd be questioning LJ on how he did it, maybe hire him on in "The Company". Nope, she's pissed at Kellerman, seeing that now he's a witness in a criminal investigation, not too inconspicuous. When Kellerman tries to explain himself she cuts him off, says he's off the case and no longer in the Secret Service. Ouch.

Michael's still trying to work on Haywire and now I'm getting frustrated. Just tell him already damnit. Haywire's still just staring off and an orderly comes to get him for group therapy. As they're pulling him off Haywire whispers that it's a path. Michael smiles, thinking he's getting through. Can he work a little faster please? Lincoln's still on death row.

Um, those socks take "D" size batteries

C-Note is cooling in the yard when Clarinets comes by with the rest of the woodwind section. They walk over to a more secluded part of the yard so this can't be good. Oboes tells him that he doesn't have anything to give him, that all of the outstanding stuff that was owed to C-Note, are now his. You could have told him this earlier instead of making him wait. Flutes tells him that since he's friends with the P.I. crew, that he's not in their group anymore. C-Note's not afraid of Piccolos and says that it's still his money. Well, I guess it's not. Alto Saxophone and his boys beat poor C-Note up, with batteries in a sock and kick him while he's down. That's low.

This is how most of my dreams start

In with Michael, he fakes taking the pills again but watches as Haywire dutifully swallows his. After the orderly walks away Haywire gets Michael's attention and they go to the broom closet. again. Haywire makes himself throw the pills up. I hate throwing up. Why he didn't just not swallow them like Michael I'll never know. He says that Michael was right about the pills. Michael then starts undressing and for a moment I'm on Cloud 9, all my troubles drifting away, then I'm snapped back to reality. Haywire studies the tattoo and says that he remembers.

In the lunch hall, C-Note joins T-Bag and Westmoreland, all beat up, but not as bad as you would think he'd be after being attacked by ten guys. He says he's not going to get the money they need. T-Bag points out that D.B. Cooper could get the money, since he's all rich and what not. Westmoreland's still hanging on to the lie that he's not D.B. Cooper, and even if he was, there's no visitation today and couldn't get the money from the outside anyway. There's one thing they could do though, "The Kitchen Game". I've played "The Kitchen Game" before, in involves plates and a whole bunch of lard. "The Kitchen Game" they're talking about though is a poker game that happens in the kitchen, run by a guy named Jesus. C-Note doesn't think gambling is the best way to get the money. What, and shaking people down is? T-Bag assures them that he has the quickest draw in the West and there's only five people in the country that can do what he does to a deck of cards. Personally, I don't want to know what he does to a deck of cards, it's probably gross. If he gets caught cheating though in the kitchen with the knives isn't the best place. I'm wondering why they have knives around a whole bunch of murderers and felons, but welcome to the Illinois State Correctional System. They just need the $50 start up money to get in. Westmoreland drops his head, knowing where to get the money.

The last thing you wanna do is turn your back on a con, especially if you're half naked

Michael and Haywire are wandering around the facility and go into a cell. Isn't anyone monitoring these people? I'd think these are the ones you'd want to spend most of your resources on, seeing they're homicidal AND crazy, but that's just me I guess. Michael takes his shirt off again and, uh, um, so they, something. Crap, I lost my train of thought. He shows him the tattoo on his back and takes the bandage off. Haywire starts sketching and remembering where everything goes, and says stuff about pilgrims and pointing and some other crazy person talk I don't remember. Manche, Sucre's cousin, is picking up the laundry. Michael hurries over and says he wants him to get a message to Sucre. He wants to tell him that he's okay and he's trying to fill in the blanks, that he'll know what that means. When Michael turns back around to Haywire, Manche notices the burn on Michael's back and remembers the hole in the guard's uniform he got for Sucre. He puts two and two together. Not saying that's too difficult. I mean what'd he think they were using the outfit for? They weren't playing dress up.

Westmoreland goes into Michael's cell under the guise of looking to purchase it, in his old age and all. He sees the bible he passed to Michael that had the hundred dollar bill in it to prove to him that he was D.B. Cooper. Without Geary seeing, Westmoreland lifts the bible and low balls Geary for the price of the cell which of course he doesn't take and makes Westmoreland leave. He gives the hundred dollar bill to T-Bag and C-Note so that they have the money. While they talk, C-Note watches Trumpets, who's watching him. T-Bag says for this to work he can't be winning, C-Note will have to. He's not really a card playa, he's a lova. T-Bag tells him to just bet big and never fold whenever he's dealing. Since no one would ever think they're working together, it's the perfect rouse, although if they've been watching them lately they'll know they're working together.

"You want the wireless headset. Trust me, wireless."

Nick's still searching around for that damned phone charger. What kind of phone did this dude have? Anyway, while he's in the store, a man in a trench coat approaches him. He asks how Veronica is. Oh, I knew this dude was no good. The guy threatens him and says he has to keep an eye on Veronica, that pretty soon they're gonna call in their favor, unless he wants to go back on the deal they made. Nick's a bit uneasy and says he doesn't want to go back on the deal and the man leaves, saying he'll be in touch.

This is not the face you want to meet in a dark alley

Michael sees Haywire all drugged up again and I have to be honest, I'm getting sorta tired of this. Anyway, he coerces him into the closet an when he does Haywire goes Haywire and grabs Michael by the throat. He says that he remembers everything, including Michael slamming his head against his bed to get him sent back to the psych ward. Oh crap, I totally forgot about that. What the hell was Michael thinking? Haywire takes out a piece of paper, saying he finished the missing part of the tattoo, realizing it's an escape path. Haywire backs away and threatens to rips the paper up if Michael doesn't tell him exactly when and where they're going to be escaping. In the cell Michael goes over the plan with him, about it starting in the basement, and then going to the infirmary. He says that three days after he's gone he'll come back for him, that he should trust him. I don't know why he would trust him after what he's been through. He does though, and gives him the map, saying that if he screws him over again, he'll kill him. Hey, take a number buddy.

When Veronica comes back to the apartment Nick's sitting there. She's pissed because he hasn't plugged the phone in yet to start getting it charged and so am I, what the hell? She says she's filed a petition so Lincoln can see LJ, but it probably won't get approved. When the phone comes to life she's happy because there are 322 numbers. Damn, I was impressed with myself when I stored 40. He must know a lot of people.

The poker game has finally begun, as they bribe a C.O. to use the kitchen. It actually seems like a friendly game. I mean, no one's really beating each other up yet. T-Bag and C-Notes game is going well, and they act like they loathe each other, which I imagine isn't too difficult to pull off.

Kellerman's with the Vice President bitching and moaning about Brinker. He says The Company's agenda is interfering with their agenda to have Burrows executed. The Veep thinks it's time to spice things up a bit, but Kellerman's afraid that by doing that, they'll pull all of their support for her campaign. She says that maybe they can do it so they never know it's coming. Yeah, I wonder how that's going to go over.

Mo' money. Mo' problems.

During the poker game, T-Bag's shuffling and C-Note holds the makings of a straight. At least I think it's a straight. The only poker I know is from watching Celebrity Poker Showdown. Anyway, when T-Bag deals him his final card it's a ten of diamonds, which would complete the straight. Unfortunately, con rules of play state that you have to bury the card in the deck. Of course they don't want to do that since it's the winning card, but when you have the whole room of felons telling you to do it, what can you do. He does and C-Note gets a lousy ass 2 of diamonds. Jesus thinks he's got him and goes all in. Fortunately, C-Note bets everything and raises him, which is too rich for Jesus' blood so he folds, none to happy about it.

Pope comes in to visit with Lincoln. He tells him that Veronica must be a magician because she pulled off the impossible, he's been granted a visit with LJ. Pope says he's never seen a visit like this approved and that he'll arrange for his travel to see LJ. Although he'll be cuffed and surrounded by officers the whole time, Pope's still concerned. Lincoln puts his concerns to rest, he has an escape plan already in motion that involves his brother so he won't leave him like that.

Haywire's going over the sketches in his book. He goes to the door of his cell and it's being kept open by a piece of clay. He runs down the hall to the door marked "basement" and tries to go through it. The alarms sound and the orderlies chase him down while Michael watches. Haywire's yelling about it being a passageway and some other mumbo jumbo so the orderlies taser him and drag him back to his cell.

C-Note finds Geary near the phones in the yard and gives him the five hundred dollars. Geary takes it and says the price is up to seven, and C-Note's pissed. He quickly goes to Westmoreland and asks for his pocket watch to cover the other two hundred. Of course he refuses but C-Note points out that looking at his daughter won't compare to being able to hold her in a few days. He gives in and C-Note gives Geary the watch. Unfortunately Geary's a mofo and although he takes the money and watch, he says someone else has already paid seven hundred for it and walks away. C-Note and Westmoreland are rightfully devastated.

Dr. Sara visits Michael in the crazy place and she's happy to see he's back to normal. He's made her an ashtray at craft time, isn't that sweet. He tells her he's ready to go back in with the other murderers, he's tired of being with the crazies. She says that now it's not about him being crazy, he has to tell Pope which guard did this to him. If he doesn't, he's going back to the SHU.

Manche's finally made it to the SHU and to Sucre's cell. He gives him the message and Sucre wants him to, in turn, take Michael a message. Manche wants to know what the hell's going on and if the hole in the guard's uniform has anything to do with the burn he saw on Michael's back. From down the hall we hear Lincoln call for him. He's scared, since Lincoln's reputation for being a hard ass is common knowledge, they don't call him "Linc the Sink" for nothin'. When he goes down to talk to him, Lincoln says that he knows there's something they can work out.

In the lunch room, Westmoreland, T-Bag, and C-Note are bummed out. They've lost that loving feeling. Manche comes up and tells them that he can help with that "Scofield problem". Immediately they're on their guard and grab Manche into some headlock. He explains that Lincoln told him everything and he's now part of the escape. Okay, how is this big fat man going to get across the wire above the yard? Anyway, they're not too keen on having him around, but Westmoreland convinces them to hear him out. He says it's a risky plan, but it could work.

Manche's back in the psych ward and approaches Michael, asking if he's ready to get out of there. Um, is that a rhetorical question? In the laundry room, Manche's doing something with the steamer. Later, he and Westmoreland pass each other and Manche tosses something into a garbage container Westmoreland is pushing. Westmoreland then goes into the guards room, under the guise of getting the trash, and is nearly busted for whatever's in the garbage container when one of the exiting C.O.'s throws something in the container. After the room's empty, Westmoreland digs into the container.

Michael and Pope are talking and Michael says he wants protection if he's going to name who did this to him. He plays the victim, well too. Pope says not to worry and Michael says it's Geary, that he shakes cons down for money. He knew he went to college so assumed he was rich. Yeah, I frakin' wish. Anyway, Michael does a good job of convincing Pope by telling him that when he didn't pay up, Geary held him down with one arm and used something on him that was hot as hell.

Nick and Veronica are still endlessly dialing all the numbers in Quinn's phone, only to find out that most are disconnected. I wonder why that is though, it's not like Quinn's murder is common knowledge, right? Whatever, I'm going with it. The numbers range from residences to businesses all over the world. Nick thinks they can send this information to an investigator friend in Washington and get a track on the working numbers. We have a moment when Veronica looks at him with big puppy dog eyes and tells him how much she appreciates his help. Looks like he's truly torn. Later, while Veronica's working on something, Nick makes a phone call and tells whoever it is on the other end that she's there.

Bellick barrels into the guard's room, and Geary's sitting in there reading a paper. Pope comes in soon after and Geary's starting to get a bit nervous. Not like Pope to come visit with them in the guard's room. The newly finished guard's room I must add. Bellick starts going through Geary's locker and finds the rolled up money stack C-Note gave him and Westmoreland's watch. He figures out from the names on it that it's not Geary's. When they look in the locker more, they find a uniform that has the arm burnt, just like Michael said. Geary's stunned. Bellick escorts Geary out and Geary doesn't want Bellick to look at him like he's some con, since he does the same thing. Bellick whispers that he doesn't get caught. As he's leaving, Lincoln's in a transport van, driving out of the prison, as a passenger I mean.

Michael comes back to Gen Pop and into his cell. Westmoreland comes in to welcome him back. Michael gives him his pocket watch, telling him Pope wanted to make sure it was returned. He looks inside at the picture and his overcome by emotion, at which point he does what most men do, goes away to cry in the corner.

In the transport van with Lincoln, he's enjoying the Illinois country side. The grass, the couple of houses. Looks a lot like Oklahoma, boring. The guard wants to know what he's looking at. That's really a rude question, what does he care what he's looking at. Lincoln says he's looking at "everything". Everything including that truck that plows into them and flips the truck over a few times, with the guards and Lincoln being thrown about inside. The van stops rolling, as it smokes in a ditch.

NEED TO KNOW

I've decided that at 7:45pm each Monday night I'm going to open a bottle of wine and pour myself a glass. At 8pm I'll start on my second glass and by 9pm I'll be done the bottle. This is what I need to do to relax during Monday's Fox lineup of Prison Break and 24. I think it's great that these shows are put together for a night, both dramatic, both with great leads that I could just watch read out of the phone book for hours without their shirts on covered in chocolate, no wait, vanilla pudding. But damned if it takes me forever to fall asleep after I watch them both. 24 is winding down which means the show's winding up for the horrible finale that's going to make us wait until NEXT year to find out what happens. Damn you Fox. DAMN YOU!

At camp douchebag, Logan's on the phone with Henderson again, whining like a little baby about why Jack's not dead yet. Doesn't he know how hard it is to kill Jack? Give Henderson a break, he's trying the best he can. Henderson thinks they should use CTU to find Jack.

"Uh, it's you again?"

Speaking of CTU, Logan puts a call into Karen to make sure she understands that finding Jack is the number one priority. You'd think finding the guy who organized the sentox gas attack and killed one of their agents would also be on their radar of things to get done, but not with Logan. He reiterates that Jack killed Palmer and they want to find him. When Karen hangs up she's still a bit uneasy about this whole Bauer thing. You can tell she's not convinced that finding him should be their top priority, and that maybe there's something more going on. Miles, who I swear I'm gonna kick in the teeth if he doesn't shut the frak up, tells her that they'll use Audrey still to get to him. He thinks that Chloe's helping her. Yeah, yeah, so I guess he's a smart guy, he's still a douche. By using Chloe, they'll get to Audrey, who in turn will lead them to Jack.

Wayne and Jack are on the side of the road when a car pulls up. Bill gets out and boy am I glad to see him. Although the way people change sides all the time on this show I'm worried that maybe he isn't necessarily on our side. Regardless, Jack asks him to take Wayne to a safe place since he's a huge target and tells him what's been going down since his ass got fired from CTU. Jack says he's going to go hand over the tape to Heller and takes off.

Mark my word

At the airport, Audrey calls Jack from a pay phone. I don't know how this can be a secure line and untraceable but I'm assuming she knows what she's doing. She says that her father's plane is arriving and he says he's just a few minutes away. When Heller gets off the plane and Audrey hugs him, he's still curious as to what's going on. Jack arrives on the scene and Heller's surprised to see him, since he's wanted in connection to Palmer's assassination. Doesn't he know Jack by now? Of course he's being set up. Hello? For some reason Jack wants to talk to Heller inside one of the airport hangers. I'm sorry, but if I had this information I'd just frakin' show it to him, it's not like they're in a crowd of people, just the two Secret Service guys Heller has with him. But alas, they go into the hanger and Jack gives him the low down of what's happened the past few hours, sentox, Moscow, arms treaty, control oil supply in Asia, Palmer found out, yadda yadda. He also plays him the tape. After he hears all the evidence, Heller says he's not surprised because Logan's a douche. Jack wants Audrey to go with her father so she's safe. She doesn't for some reason that I'm blanking on.

Heller leaves and then comes back with both of his Secret Service guys and hits Jack in the throat. What the hell?!? He tells Jack that he's not going to be a part of taking down this administration. Although he thinks Logan's a tool, he can't take him down like this, in public. He says that he'll tell him the tape exists and to step down. I mean he does have a point, no need shouting it off the mountain top if it's going to hurt the country. But I also get Jack's point, don't really want to lie to the public. They do it all the time though. He wants to take Audrey with him but she refuses. Heller orders the Secret Service to secure her as well and hands one of the men the tape. As he walks out Jack yells that he won't be able to trust Logan.

At CTU, Chloe walks back to her desk right as a meeting in the situation room is wrapping up. She asks one of the tech's what the meeting is about and she says it's some high level meeting. Since Chloe's the head of the department she wonders why she wasn't invited. When the group comes out she asks Shari about what they talked about. Shari won't say, but Chloe eventually gets it out of her. She says that they found Audrey and that the TAC team has left to get her. Karen and Miles are listening to the conversation through a bug. Chloe immediately goes to her desk and calls Audrey. Miles and Karen monitor the call and are able to trace it to the Van Nuys airport. I knew that damned stupid pay phone would come back around to haunt them.

Karen calls her team and sends them to the airport. Chloe sees the TAC team walking through the halls and goes to Shari. She wants to know how the TAC team is there if they've just picked up Audrey. She figures out that Shari lied and wondered why she did it. Chloe says that Miles is an idiot and doesn't know what he's doing. Just then the security guards show up and take Chloe into custody. At the same time Karen calls Logan to tell him about thinking they've located Jack. When she says they've sent a team Logan says to pull then back, that he's going to send the military to get them. She's confused, again, but does as she's told. Seriously, when is she going to get a frakin' clue that maybe something isn't right about Logan. Logan hangs up with Karen and calls Henderson to tell him where Jack and the tape are.

As Audrey and Jack are tied up in a room in the hanger, she wonders what I did, if maybe Heller is right in what he's doing. Jack points out that Heller's just making himself a target, and if Logan can have President Palmer killed, then he sure won't have a problem taking out the dumb Secretary of Defense. He says that there's no way Logan will negotiate with Heller.

Finally Karen's starting to think maybe Logan's off his rocker a bit. She calls Mike Novick to inquire what Logan's smoking. He doesn't know anything about this plan to use the military to get Jack. He too thinks it's a little odd. He goes to Veep Gardner and wonders what he thinks about the whole military getting Jack instead of CTU thing. Gardner doesn't know why Logan would do that either, but can see his side of it. Mike's still not impressed and calls the Commander of the military in Los Angeles, General something or other. The General doesn't know what he's talking about, that he never got any orders from Logan. Haha, busted.

When Mike approaches Logan about it, Logan's pissed Karen went to him. I mean do you blame her? Really? None of what you've been asking for the past hour makes any frakin' sense. Anyway, when Mike tries to catch him in a lie, about him not using General whats his nuts, Logan says he's using some fancy shmancy special task force. He then brings up all this old sh*t, saying if anyone else found out he was alive, that could risk their relationship with China, he's still a wanted man there. Yeah, all the more reason to use CTU, since they all know he's alive.

Chloe Houdini

In the holding cell with Chloe, Miles is being a little punk. She tries to tell him that more's going on here then he knows and he tells her to tell him. Of course she can't, so he just leaves her in there. As he's leaving she bumps herself into him and takes his key card. When he leaves she slips out of the door, taking a laptop that's on the table. She's trying to make a clean getaway when Shari sees her sneaking out. Before she can call for security Chloe tells her about the evidence pointing to Logan. Of course Shari doesn't believe this so Chloe gets personal. She says she knows she made up that lie about Miles harassing her and if she calls for security she'll recommend she have a psychiatric evaluation. Shari doesn't like this, since she's crazy and all, and lets Chloe go.

As Martha's trying to convince Logan to get some sleep, Heller calls, saying he's on his way to the compound and needs to talk to him immediately. Logan doesn't know what this could possibly be about and Heller tells him that yeah, he knows. Martha's confused as to why Heller would be coming there after midnight, but Logan reassures her that it's just to talk about the martial law thing. She believes him, sorta. Once she's gone Logan calls Henderson and gives him the 411 on the Heller situation. Henderson thinks Jack got to Heller, but believes Heller probably doesn't have the tape with him, that Jack still has it. Henderson's about to get on a helicopter and Logan says to call the minute he has the tape.

Heller gets there and Martha questions Aaron about what could possibly be going on. She suspects it's something, but doesn't come out and say it. Aaron says to meet him out by the stables in a few minutes, that he'll show her his if she'll show him hers. She agrees.

In with Logan, Heller tells him that he heard the recording and knows what he's up to. Logan tries to get out of him where the tape is, but Heller won't tell him, just that it's in a safe place. Not for long. Logan says that he was just protecting their oil interests and that America wants gas prices to go down. I have to admit, he's right. Not sure killing a former President would be okay with me, but I'd entertain the idea. Depending on which former President it was. Heller tells him he knows he knew about Henderson ordering it. He tells Logan that he wants Audrey and Jack kept safe, and for Logan to resign. If he does both of these things, he'll keep the recording hidden, and no one will be the wiser. He wants Gardner to come in and watch as he presents him with his resignation.

By now Chloe's made it to Bill's house, with the laptop. He ushers her in and tells her where to set herself up. Bill doesn't think any of their codes will work anymore to get into CTU's mainframe or wherever it is they need to get in, but this is Chloe we're talking about, that won't be a problem. She is worried that Jack and Audrey are already in custody and thinks it's all her fault for believing that dumb biatch Shari.

I tried to dial this number and it was a Nextel phone that said it was searching for the subscriber. I got nervous and hung up.

Near the stables, Martha waits for Aaron to show up and tell her what the hell's going on. After a minute she gets antsy and calls him on his cell phone. She hears a phone ringing and looks around. She finds Aaron's phone on the ground, but he's not around. What the frak is this about? Please don't tell me Aaron's been kidnapped, or killed. My heart just can't take it.

What the hell are they doing? Jack, there's no time for that now.

Jack and Audrey are still tied up around a pipe of some sort. Jack looks above him and sees other pipes near the ceiling. He gets an idea and he shimmies up the pipe, using the molding on the side for leverage and puts the plastic restraints against the hot pipe. This looks like it hurts, but it also works and he's able to snap his hands free. Conveniently there are some pliers near and he uses them to cut Audrey's restraints as well. Audrey and Jack wait for the Secret Service agent to return, and when he does Jack kicks the door in and knocks the guy out. Jack takes his gun and Audrey puts him in restraints.

Jack runs around the hanger trying to find the other Secret Service agent. He finds him at the plane outside and ambushes him, taking his gun and having him put his hands up. Suddenly they hear a helicopter and Henderson's team lands. They start shooting at each other and I'm positive this poor Secret Service agent's a goner. Jack gives him his gun back though so he can have a fighting chance and he and Jack take out a bunch of Henderson's guys. Of course, the agent is killed and Jack finds the recording on his dead body and takes it.

Without Jack seeing Henderson has run into the hanger. Jack goes in to get poor Audrey he left behind and Henderson yells from behind some sort of metal equipment that he has Audrey at gunpoint. I hope he shoots her. They have some banter about why Henderson's doing it, and of course he thinks he's a patriot. Henderson lets Audrey walk towards Jack with his gun trained on her and Jack notices blood dripping on the ground from her arm. Henderson says he's cut her brachial artery and she'll bleed out in a few minutes so he better give him the tape so he can help her. Audrey begs him not to do it but he eventually throws him the tape. Henderson shoots some cover fire and runs out. In true McGyver style Jack cuts a piece of tubing from a nearby truck and makes a tourniquet for Audrey's arm.

Wow, he's pissed

At the compound, Heller happens to have a resignation all written up and hands it to Logan. Gardner walks in and is a little surprised to see Heller there. With a smug look on his face Heller tells Gardner that Logan has something he wants to tell him. Never be smug, really, don't be, it always backfires. And this one does because Henderson calls Logan and tells him that he has the tape. When Logan hangs up he tells Gardner that it's Heller who he's asked for a resignation from because he's accused the President of conspiracy. Heller tries to explain himself, saying Logan was complicit with the nerve gas thing and sanctioned Palmer's assassination, but Logan points out that there isn't any evidence. Ding Ding! Heller figures out what's going on, that the phone call he got has something to do with the change in heart. He warns him that Audrey better be safe. Logan orders the Secret Service to remove Heller from the compound. Hot damn!