I'M ALL IN, DAMNIT!

I hate myself for liking Dancing With the Stars. I don't know why, but this show just fascinates me. On Tuesday night's show the judges were so mean to Mario Lopez. Now, after having his marriage annulled after two weeks because he was cheating on his new wife, for me to even utter the words about me liking him is a big thing.

The judges were so harsh on him. He and his partner did an outstanding job dancing the Tango, one of the most entertaining dances. Afterwards, the judges ripped them a new one. Apparently they "broke the hold" in the dancing. I guess you can be apart at the beginning and end, but once you start holding on to one another, you can't break it. This was so severe a rule breaking that both the girl judge and the gay judge gave them 8s and said they could have been 10s. Boo! I'm sorry, they had the most entertaining performance and isn't this a TV show and not really a dance contest?!? Stupid.

Since Shanna got kicked off last week we didn't have to worry about having to wipe up the herpes from the dance floor. Speaking of Jerry Springer, he was so sweet. He said he wanted to make it to at least next week to learn the Waltz so he could dance with his daughter at her wedding. Ok, I'm totally voting for him. I'm a sucker for that kinda thing.

Surprisingly Sarah did really well. She came out of her shell, straightened her hair and put on some cowboy boots and let the ladies out, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately I fear that without the boots she'll be drab v-neck sweater Sarah again. Monique was fabulous and although she did well, Vivica looked kinda drag. I mean good for her for working the masculinity.

Willa and Maksim are sleeping together. It's so obvious. And trust me on these things, I know what it looks like when two people are having an affair. The judges even told them to stop working on their chemistry and work more on their dancing. Damn, these guys must have their period or something. And Willa also tells us that she hopes her bad girl image doesn't keep people from voting for her. Um, babe, you don't have an image. Who the hell are you? Wait, I'm gonna look her up... Ah, ok, I think I get it now. So she had this one song, "I Wanna Be Bad" and she dated Backstreet Boys' Nick Carter. All of those little girls got all mad at her and started anti-Willa websites and there was a major backlash. Interesting. I feel sorry for her. Mostly because she dated Nick Carter, but also because her career was brought down by 14 and 15 year olds. That sucks. Okay, I'm totally on Team Willa now. You go girl, Maks is HOT!

Joey Lawrence. Wow. So we know the bald thing doesn't work, but I feel he's committed to it, so there's nothing he can do about it now. He's sorta creepy looking and a bit weird, but I can tell he's sincere. Yes, as crazy baldy as he is, he really gets into it and does a pretty good job. He's sweet and over the top and wears weird outfits during rehearsal, oh, and he probably manscapes way too much, but something about him is genuine, and he's growing on me. Now if we can get his hair growing, it'll be half the battle.

Okay, this isn't from last night, but you get the idea. Now imagine Elton John threw up on them, circa 1978

Last night during eliminations, it took them an hour to tell us who was off. I zoned out for most of it, but was sucked back in when some weird ass band started to perform. Tom said their name was Scissor Sisters or something, but I only saw one female performer. The lead singer sang falsetto, which isn't awful, but it was like The Bee Gees and Fleetwood Mac got together and had some weird 70s love child that turned out to be a strange John Waters movie staring Divine. It was just bizarre.

During the 3 minutes they actually did eliminations, it was down to Jerry and Harry. God help me I was rooting for Jerry. I really wanted him to dance the Waltz. Luckily, Harry and his sagging skin didn't make it. His partner was bawling. Calm down sista, you'll be back next season.

DANING WITH THE STARS

Crap. Okay, I got home and my roommate was watching this show. I really didn't want to watch it. Just like Rockstar: Supernova I was sucked in. Now I think I'll have to watch it. Hopefully not the results show. I really don't like committing two hours on the same show, unless someone's naked, and by someone I mean Sawyer.

This is the second week of the show, and I think everyone did a great job. Hahaha. Did you actually believe that? The "celebrities" on the show are Willa Ford, Harry Hamlin, Shanna Moakler, Emmitt Smith, Joey Lawrence, Monique Coleman, Vivica A. Fox, Sara Evans, Mario Lopez and Jerry Springer. Tucker Carlson was kicked off last week if anyone cares. I sure didn't, until last night. Damn you Tivo! As you can see from the list, no Oscar winning actors, the best we could do is Emmitt Smith, top in his field. I'm sure he has a Superbowl ring or two. As you can see, baseball is not my thing. Oh, I know he plays football.

The first dancer was Willa Ford who I couldn't have picked out of a lineup before last night, and who host Tom Bergeron tells us is a pop star. I think he meant "porn" star because I've never seen her. Then again, if she was a porn star I may have seen her. The best part of her dancing was Maksim, her partner. He cut his hair, thank goodness, from last week and he's sporting a nice do, a bit long for my taste, but he works it. And really, in the pants these dancers wear, you gotta work something.

The house band is nice, they sound a lot like the performers who perform the songs they're singing. I think the most appealing part of the show, for the regular viewers is hearing the contemporary songs. That's until Shanna Moakler. I didn't really want to watch this dumb ho dance, so I was hoping for a good song. Imagine my surprise when they started playing Kriss Kross "Jump! Jump!" or whatever it's called. Yes, ladies and gentleman, Kriss Kross. For those of you who have taste in music and never actually listened to this song, it was a 90s rap song by two pre-teen boys who wore their pants backwards. And no, I have absolutely no idea who picked this song. I'm thinking Shanna picked it out, hoping the oddity of this song would distract people long enough to miss her awful dancing. I thought I was watching my 70 year old grandmother. Not that my grandmother can't dance, in fact, she'd be more interesting to watch then this skank.

I almost fell asleep during Sara Evans performance. And really, who the hell is she? First off, she's a little thick around the middle. There's nothing wrong with it, really, it's just odd. Secondly, they need to not show glimpses of her fans anymore. Oh wait, those weren't her fans, they were her family. She was so sad because of the criticism last week, she had to fly her and her partner Tony to Tennessee to cheer her up. Um, maybe they should have spent more time dancing and less time flying to the Appalachians because she sucked.

I had to go into the kitchen to make dinner during Mario Lopez's dance, but it sounded exciting. Unfortunately the judges didn't like it. They had sticks lodged up their asses and couldn't get comfortable enough in their seat to really give it their full attention. You know who's dance they did like? Joey Lawrence. I liked his dancing too, in that video he did when he was on Blossom, you remember that? Ripped jeans and a sweater around his waist. He was hot. Not so much anymore. He did something no man should do unless they're going bald, he shaved his head. Okay, some guys can do it, Michael Scofield comes to mind. Hold on, he's still in my mind....... Anyway, Michael and Lincoln for that matter can pull it off, but Joey Lawrence? No. His hair was his thing. Now he looks creepy. Plus, he gets all nervous and sweaty and he has these veins that are popping out. Regardless of how he looked, he danced his ass off. He even threw in the tap dance routine he did when he was five, on The Tonight Show. How does he still know that? I'm thinking he busts it out during Blossom and Gimme A Break reunions every year. He was given two 10s, which completely amazed me, I mean him.

I never thought this sentence would come out of my mouth, and technically it's not, but here goes. I like Jerry Springer. He's so charming, there's something very sweet about him. His partner hurt her knee and he said his concern for her is greater then being on the show. I know most rational humans would say that regardless, but it's still nice to hear a "celebrity" say that.

The funniest part of the night came when we were watching rehearsals with Vivica A. Fox. Her partner was trying to show her a kick. Vivica busted out the diva and told us that "Vivica knows how to kick, Vivica was in Kill Bill". Hahaha. That's awesome. I was totally watching the marathon on TNT this weekend. Unfortunately, Carrie Ann points out that it's called a "fan" not a roundhouse kick. Hey Carrie Ann, stop picking on her, she did it didn't she?

Lastly Emmitt Smith rocked it out. Not unlike Jerry Rice last season, or whenever that was, this guy has rhythm and he flows. The crowd loved him and Carrie Ann was so happy she almost cursed. Not just a normal curse either, the big one. The "F" one. The one ABC would have been paying out of the "F"in' ass for. That would have been awesome.

Did I really just talk about Dancing With The Stars? Crap.