WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER ANYMORE?

It's been awhile since we've seen a new Housewives, and can I tell you, I didn't miss it. Yeah, I had something to do at 9pm on Sunday, but did I really care? Not too much. Luckily Lynette's manipulation was obvious to everyone, but Gabby reverted back to a stuck up bitch. She had some hope there for a second there. I've honestly forgot about most of the show, since the next hour was Grey's Anatomy and probably the best hour I've seen of television in a long damn time.

This ho is up to something

Bree is at a neighbor's stuffy ass luncheon wondering how she made all of the food by herself. She tries to catch her in a lie, asking who catered, but the woman's being tight lipped and assures everyone she made everything. Bree's still not buying it, saying it takes six hours to make some sort of pie they're eating. The only thing I make that takes six hours is in a crock pot. Suddenly, the FBI storm the lady's house and find a tiny Asian girl, Xiao, in the back room slaving over food. Still doesn't really explain all the food. I guess we're supposed to believe Xiao cooked it all, but Bree was just saying it's more than one person can cook. Whatever. The next time we see Xiao she's with Father what's his name from Carlos' church. He's wondering if the Solis' would mind keeping Xiao until it's time for her to be shipped back to China. Carlos says yes, without even asking Gabby, which is just so rude. Does he really think she'll be okay with this?

This is just wrong

She's not okay with it until she tastes some of Xiao's cooking. Of course it's amazing, so she begs Carlos to get Xiao to stay. The girl claims she doesn't speak a word of English but something tells me she might. We see her cooking and cleaning and basically doing everything the chick at the beginning was doing, but Gabby claims they'll pay her. She makes fun of her to her face, assuming she doesn't speak English. Man she's a bitch. But Gabby's nice enough to give the girl some cheap ass bracelet that some old dude gave her years ago when she was young. The girl freaks out and is overjoyed. When they come to get her she refuses to go, wanting to stay with Gabby and Carlos, calling them her family. Gabby pretends to be happy because now Xiao can live a life a luxury (and servitude) in America.

He's a dork, but still cute

Over at the Scavo's we're treated to a whole episode without those a**hole kids of hers. Instead, we're treated to that a**hole husband of hers. Actually, Tom's not bad, he's married to her so that has to be a struggle. Tom, in a plea to get close to the boss, becomes the "monkey boy" of the office. The boss, Ed, hasn't really been responding to his pitches. Huh, maybe it's because they frakin' suck. Anyway, Tom and Ed realize they're both frat boys and start doing stupid tricks to prove their manhood. Things like catching jelly beans in his mouth, oh and eating a doughnut that's been dunked in the toilet. Okay, I didn't have frat's in my college, but even if I did, that was 10 years ago! Close to 20 for Tom. I know guys mature slower than women, but this is just stupid. Maybe it's a woman thing or something, but I have to back Lynette up here, what they're doing is dumb and disgusting and if the guys in my office did it I'd think they were loose a few screws. In a twist of all twists, Lynette decides not to do her underhand, secretive manipulation she normally reserves for the people she loves. Instead, she beats them at their own game. At first though she goes to Ed, asking him to stop challenging Tom to these ridiculous bets. Ed's a moron, so he says no. When Lynette chides him with a bet, he can't resist. How this man is running the company is beyond me. Lynette and him reach an agreement, if she can eat one pound of raw bacon, they'll stop playing the games in the office. Lynette's a woman with a mission. Either way this is going to be good, she's either gonna eat it all, or she's gonna barf all over Tom and/or Ed. I'm impressed and a bit disturbed that she's able to eat it. Everyone in the office, who usually scream and cheer when Tom does nasty things, agree that this is just wrong. By the end, Ed's beaten and agrees they won't fool around at work anymore.

In the dumbest storyline yet, Susan has a wandering spleen. What the frak is this really? Is it a real medical condition because it just sounds stupid. Apparently her spleen is wandering around in her body cavity and has the possibility of ramming her heart and killing her. Hey, let's work on her eating three meals a day and not throwing them up, then we can work on her wandering spleen. As usual, Susan's freaking out, this time it's because she doesn't have health insurance. She gives some lame excuse which I can't remember but when she's telling Carl about it Edie suggests she marry some poor sap and get put her on his plan. Her surgery is scheduled for just days away. Again, I'm no expert but it's there paperwork that needs to be filled out and processed? Edie does try and help Susan out by finding her a nice gay man to marry. His mother's dying wish is to see him get married, to a woman. He says that this way she can die (soon) in peace, and he can get the inheritance. Just tell her you're gay, that should kill her real fast. Although Susan doesn't like this whole idea, she decides to do it. She goes and tells Mike about her crazy plan and he seems just slightly interested. At the chapel on the corner, the gay man meets up with Susan to get married. Do they really have little chapels like this in town? I mean, Vegas, sure, but in Dingleberry or wherever they are? To keep up the ruse she's dressed in a pretty floral dress and carrying a bouquet. I guess maybe his mother will want pictures. The only snag in this plan is the groom's boyfriend thought Susan had cancer and this is the reason for the marriage. He doesn't believe the whole wandering spleen thing either. He storms out and the groom apologizes for not being able to marry her and runs out after him. Later, Carl approaches a depressed Susan on the steps. She tells him what happened and he comes up with the bright idea to just marry each other again. I actually think this is a perfect idea. I mean, go down to city hall, get married, get the insurance an a few weeks later get a divorce. I'm sure it happens ever day, just ask Britney Spears, Dennis Rodman, or the lovely Drew Barrymore. At first she doesn't want to do it, then it looks like she's considering it.

Noah Taylor, Deirdre's father, is still bed ridden. Felicia, Mrs. Huber's sister and Mary-Alice's nurse friend, is still taking care of him. She brings him the mail and inside is a plain envelope, telling him he has a grandchild. He demands to know who sent it but she doesn't know. He calls Detective Sullivan (who beat Mike up in the parking garage awhile back) who pays Mike a visit. He says that Taylor wants him to come see him and tell him about his grandchild. At first Mike is resistant, until Sullivan threatens Susan. He reluctantly goes and Taylor demands he bring Zack to him within two days. Good luck on that dude.

Susan and Edie join forces to approach Bree about why the hell she's nice to Betty all of the sudden. Edie wants to know if it's because she saw Matthew with his hand up Danielle's shirt. Of course Bree's flabbergasted and makes something up. She talks to Danielle and is still pissed she let the whole, Andrew killing Mrs. Solis thing out of the bag. Danielle says that if she wants to know the rest of the Applewhite's secret, then she can go ask Betty herself. Instead, Bree uses the key the old neighbor left her to break into the Applewhite house. She entices Caleb down with her cobbler and he tells her that he hurt a girl and that's why he's hiding. He shows her the room Betty set him up with downstairs and she at first feels sorry for him. Then he says the girl he hurt was pretty, just like she's pretty. Creepy. Betty comes over, furious that Bree talked to Caleb. Bree gets out of her that Caleb had a crush on Matthew's last girlfriend, Melanie Foster, and when Matthew and Melanie had a bad break up, he called her to meet. I guess at some point Melanie laughed at him and he ended up whacking her a few times too many times with an axe. They have a mutual agreement not to tell each others secrets, but I think Bree has the slight upper hand in this. Later we see Danielle and Matthew having a little moment under a tree. Caleb is watching them from the window and smiles down at Danielle. Is it wrong that I hope he kills that bitch?

SURVIVOR'S A BITCH, OH WAIT, THAT'S SHANE

Jeff should really start using sunblock

The first few Survivors are always the dumbest. Since the players have watched all however many seasons of the show they think they can play the game and try to do it as soon as possible. Sixteen people who don't know each other get thrown together and the first thing they try to do is make alliances. It's like, wait a few days before you start trusting someone you've known for about 12 hours with the possibility of you winning $1 million. Oh, you're a guy, and I'm a guy, that means I can trust you, let's make an alliance. The only alliance so far that makes any sense is the military one between Dan and Terry. I mean yeah, they don't know each other, and Dan looks like he's Casper the ghost's great uncle Stewart, but at least they know that the other one is probably intelligent and a hard worker. Sorry for my rant, but even though this was a good episode, people pissed me off.

It's night time in Panama and it's raining like a bitch. Speaking of bitches, Shane's being interviewed and a bolt of lightening strikes next to him. The ground erupts, he jumps to the side, the camera jolts and then- I don't know what happened because they didn't talk about it. Wha the frak? Aras, over with the Younger Men voices his concerns that they're going to die. Hey, it's a little rain, at least God isn't striking you down with a bolt of lightening in the camp over. And who's fault is it that the four of you are soaking wet? I guess playing coconut baseball the other day was much more important then building the shelter.

Do you think one day they'll make TV where you can reach through and slap someone? I hope so

The next morning we get a shot of Shane. He looks like he's been on the island for weeks already. I can't imagine what he'd look like weeks from now when the normal thirty pounds have dropped. He'd look worse than Danni did. He's walking on the beach, bitching and moaning about his time on the island. He says he's really missing his son, and he doesn't know why he did this. He wants to go home. Okay, I'm sure the guy loves his son very much, but I think he's more missing those three packs of cigarettes he used to smoke a day. Squirt some tears you pus, what'd you think it'd be like here. And I'm sorry, it's $1 million. Suck it up.

At the reward challenge Jeff has the group divide into men and women. When they do, he tells them that the four tribes will now merge into two. To decide who's on which tribe, they'll have a traditional school yard pick. He chooses a guy and a girl, and they choose a girl and a guy respectively, all the way until no one is left. They start choosing and surprisingly it doesn't go as I was thinking it would. The big strong black guy doesn't get picked until almost last. The second to last person is Dan. The last to be chosen is the Asian guy, Bruce. Which I don't think makes any sense either since he was workin' his butt off at the Older Man's camp. Because he was chosen last he gets thrown to Exile Island for three days. Much longer than Misty stayed. The good thing though is he's immune from getting voted out, and the next time we'll see him is at tribal council. He'll listen in on it and then take the place of whoever's voted out. He's actually happy about this and I have high hopes that he'll be able to get a fire going and probably fish a bit while he's there.

Must be the socks

On to the reward challenge. This challenge they're playing for fishing gear. The teams look to be fairly even between genders and age. Long story short, they have to traverse an obstacle course, untying three, foot long snakes along the way. One person has to carry the entire load, 6 snakes by the end. The first team to all cross the finish line, with the snakes, wins reward. Nick carries the snakes for newly designated La Mina, and Courtney carries them for Casaya. Why they chose Courtney is anyone's guess. Nick was a perfect choice, just perfect. Yeah. Nothing dramatic happens during the race and unlike the last few Survivors, the teams are evenly matched and one team doesn't pulverize the other one. La Mina wins, just because they do.

You'd think they'd be able to fashion a sports bra out of some coconuts or something

Once the teams go back to camp, Casaya in the Older Women's camp and La Mina in the Older Men's, things start to go downhill for Casaya. Wait, they go downhill for both. At Casaya the younger people start to bond quickly, and Shane is happy now not to be with the Older Men. Cirie is having a little trouble with the "Like oh my God" girls. Her and me both. Melinda, one of the Older Women, points out that now she and Cirie's heads are on the block. Of course she's right because Shane doesn't waste any time forming an alliance with his new teammates, Danielle (the fake boobs girl who looks like she's about to strangle herself), Aras and Courtney. He tells them that he swears on his son's life he will never lie to them. Hold on, hold on, wait a minute. Don't ever promise something on Survivor by saying you promise on your child's life. That kid will be struck down within a week.

At La Mina there's more aligning going on as well. Terry approaches Nick and Austin, the two younger guys, and asks if they want to join up with him and Dan. They're forming an army to go to the other side of the island to find Walt and Michael and to kill The Others. Unfortunately, Nick and Austin have already kinda bonded with the two younger girls, Misty and Sally. We never really figure out who they're with.

"AAHHH Daniel-san"

On Exile Island Bruce gets a clue to where the immunity idol is. It says that it's above the tide line, and has a map enclosed of where the idol isn't. Thanks Jeff, great help that was. He looks around a bit for it, but then works on getting the fire going. Unfortunately he has a shoddy ass piece of flint and it breaks, not allowing him to make fire, boil water, or any of that. Another storm hits and poor Bruce is stuck out in the elements. To wake himself up the next day he decides to do some Thai Chi or some form of martial arts that doesn't require a partner. He's like those old people you see in the park doing the moves.

In the best bonehead move since Rupert had to go searching for the fishing spear in Survivor: Pearl Islands, Sally and Nick go fishing with the brand new fishing gear. And to prove that all women are morons when it comes to anything sports like, Sally "tests" the spear by launching it into the ocean. Although I was relieved she didn't spear Nick in the gut, which is what I thought she was going to do, it's a little disappointing to see it go down like that. She tried to go down and get it, but they were so far out that they'd need scuba gear or one of those mini-sub things. When they get back to the beach everyone is supportive except for Terry, who's convinced if the spear hadn't been lost they'dve been eating "tons of fish". Okay, I don't know who he thinks went out there to fish, but for obvious reasons I don't think Sally would have caught a lot of fish to begin with.

Not really a race if the other boat doesn't even move

On to the Immunity Challenge, and Jeff, who for some reason I don't think is getting as much airtime as normal. Anyway, he tells them they'll be in the ocean again. They'll swim out to a boat and designate two people to swim below the boat to an anchor. Underwater they'll pull the anchor, and boat, to shore. While they're doing this the remaining people in the boat will pull plugs, and bail out the incoming water. Once on the beach they have to transport some zombie head looking like thing onto the top of a spear up towards the beach. They start out fairly even but then the Casaya tribe just can't get the boat moving. Must be Cirie's big boobies. Terry really takes over and pulls La Mina's boat into the lead, with Casaya never really recovering and La Mina winning it.

Seriously, has Shane been out here for 39 days already? Nasty

A broken Casaya goes back to their beach where Shane decides, again, that he doesn't want to be there. I really don't blame him though, he's jonesin' for a cigarette, oh and to see his son, whom he won't see anyway because everyone is sequestered until the entire game is over anyway. He stupidly goes around blabbing his mouth telling everyone to vote him out. Why anyone frakin' argues is totally beyond me. Aras decides he wants to keep Shane in for whatever reason and starts pleading with him not to go. I think his reasoning is that if Shane leaves, his alliance with Shane and the girls will be broken. What I don't understand is why no one is going to the black man for an alliance. Aras should just let Shane leave and recruit Bobby to be in their alliance. After what happens next we all know that Aras isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. First off, we've all been around a friend or coworker who's quit smoking, and it's not pleasant, so to want to spend an extra three days with this loser is completely beyond me. Also, Aras decides to just lay it all out. He tells Melinda and Cirie that it's going to be one of them that night, they just don't know which one. Wow, Aras has got either the biggest set of balls or the smallest brain. I'm guessing the latter. He could have totally just screwed the pooch with that one, but alas, Melinda and Cirie frak it up. Okay, so you realize you have a target on your back and there's at least one person you can swing (Bobby), what do you do? You bust your ass trying to let everyone know what a loser Shane is and that if he's going to quit in the easy phase, then he's definitely going to quit when it gets harder. You also tell them that Shane won't be able to take 33 more days because he's already a skeleton. Or, do you sit around on your ass all day complaining that they're gonna vote you out. Guess what these two biatches do? They sit around and pick their butts. I mean, I don't know what they do with their butts but it certainly isn't rally to keep their butts in the game.

Stupid, just stupid

At tribal council it goes pretty much like everyone expects. Shane of course complains some more about not smoking. Oh, and does he miss his son too? Cirie cries about not wanting to let her family down and guess what happens? You guessed it, Melinda is voted out. All in all the tribal councils have been crap. They pretty much tell you who they're going to vote out. No clever editing to lead you one way and then come back and hit you from behind. After the vote Bruce was back on the tribe and hopefully Cirie and Bobby will take him in and convince him to oust Shane next time. Frakin' punk.

IF LOOKS COULD KILL

Wow, what a difference a week makes. Or however long it's been since we've seen a fresh episode. This is the LOST we all know and love.

The show starts out with Jack and Locke in the gun locker. Jack asks Locke for the combination, but Locke's worried that once he knows he'll throw him off a cliff. Actually he wants to know if Jack wants it because he doesn't trust him. He eventually gives it up, but not without a few side looks, wondering if this is a good thing. Locke also mentions possibly locking the medicine as well.

Jack looking for Sawyer's mojo

Down at the beach Sawyer has come out of the water and he's half nekked. He could have been giving up the secrets to the island and I wouldn't know. I can't thank the world for Tivo enough, because I paused it, then let it go, then paused it again, then rewound it, and paused it. Ah, yeah. Sawyer sees that Charlie's moved his tent and belongings away from everyone and makes some cute comment. Charlie thinks Sawyer has better things to worry about, like Jack rummaging through his own tent. Sawyer runs up to Jack and asks what the hell is going on. Jack's looking for, and finds, painkillers Sawyer stole. Okay, I know it's not right he stole the drugs, but hello, he's been frakin' shot. He's not taking them to get high. Well, maybe he is, but that's not the point, he's hot. Um, I mean, he got shot. Jack takes the meds back and walks away. Sawyer cuts him a look too. Man, this is a look cutting bunch.

Seriously

In Sawyer's flashback he's in bed with a woman, Cassidy. He looks at the clock and sees that he's running late and jumps up. As he's leaving, his briefcase breaks open. A ton of money falls out and he tells her that she wasn't supposed to see that. She picks up one of the stacks of money and sees that it's fake. She's no dummy and wonders if he's conning her, making her believe he has some scheme to get money and getting her to give up the money she got in the divorce. Apparently he didn't do his homework because she tells him that she didn't get money from her ex-husband. Sawyer's a bit embarrassed until she says that she wants to learn how to con. Seriously, this dude could be gutting fish for a living and I'd want to learn how to do it just so I could hang out with him.


Is it just me or do you see Walt in the background too?

On the island Kate pays a visit to Sawyer. He mentions not having his glasses and wanting her to read him a magazine. She agrees and sits down with him in his tent. Locke walks by and they talk a bit about how he's hanging out with Claire. Sawyer mentions people having needs, and lifts his eyebrow. Yowza. He also mentions the army Jack and Ana-Lucia are putting together. Apparently Kate didn't get the memo, Sawyer didn't either.

Damn you Ana-Lucia

Hurley finds Sayid in the jungle busting up some coconuts pretending they're Ana-Lucia's head. He tells him that Bernard, Rose's husband, is a dentist, and that when he was on his side of he island, they picked up Boone's transmission when he was in the plane. Hurley thinks that maybe they can use Bernard's radio. Sayid doesn't think this'll work and doesn't even want to try. I mean, it's only been a few days since Shannon was killed, the guy is still grieving I guess.

Speaking of that bitch Ana-Lucia, she meets up with Jack in the jungle and wants to know if Locke gave him the combination. He tells her that he did, and she wants to know it. She claims she was just kidding, but you know half of what everyone says in jest is actually true.


Sun and Jin have a freaky side

Sun is over in the jungle gardening. I guess everyone needs a hobby. I'd have an armed guard every time I went gardening, but hey, that's just me. She gets a little nervous, looking around, thinking she hears something. It turns out to be the dog, Vincent. It starts to rain, hard, and then suddenly a bag goes over her head and she starts getting dragged farther into the jungle. On the beach Sawyer and Kate hear her scream and run into the jungle. They find the hood and eventually find Sun who's knocked out on the ground. Sawyer picks her up and carries her to the tent, and they get Jack.

Everyone is wondering what happened and Ana-Lucia thinks it's The Others. She wants to get the guns and go after them. Locke thinks they should wait until Sun wakes up and get the story from her. Kate and Sawyer do a little investigating and find the hood. They realize it's not the same as the one Kate had over her head. Sawyer also points out that Sun getting away is pretty unbelievable, since Kate didn't. He calls her Sheena, how cute. They start to think that maybe it was one of them who did it. Their first guess, and mine too, is Ana-Lucia.


"You wouldn't happen to have loafers would you?"

In Sawyer's flashback he and the lady pull a con on some unsuspecting Yuppies. He goes up to them and offers them fake necklaces he claims are over a grand, and implies he stole them. They don't want to buy until Cassidy shows up and buys one. They fall for it.

I would say it looks like she smells something but that's just how her face is

Sun's pulse is good, so they're optimistic. Kate and Jack talk, and Kate implies that maybe Ana-Lucia had her hand in this. Later, Ana-Lucia and Jack are walking and she tells him that a few more people have signed up for the army, because of what happened. Jack is suspicious and Sun wakes up. She says that she was grabbed, and she was able to get away and ran. She must have been disoriented because she ran into something and knocked herself out. Jin's pissed and wants Jack to give him a gun. Ana-Lucia looks over to Kate, who she knows is suspicious of her. Kate tells Sawyer that they need to tell Locke that the group is coming. She wants him to go and tell Locke, and at first he doesn't want to, but she insists so he goes.

"Like, oh my God"

"You gonna use all the toothpaste?"

Sawyer is with Cassidy still and she's excited about this whole, stealing things from people. She wants to go bigger. He tells her about something called a "Long Con". This is where you get a person do something by making it look like it was their idea. Cassidy tells him that she lied to him, that she did get money from her husband in the divorce, $600,000. She tells him she wants to pull the long con. Hmph.


Look, there's a ping pong table!

In the hatch Locke is organizing the books when Sawyer comes in. He tells Locke about the group coming to get the guns and Locke is a bit worried. Locke wants to move the guns but doesn't know where. He asks how long it's going to be and Sawyer doesn't know. Sawyer reluctantly agrees to stay in the hatch and put the numbers in while Locke moves the guns.


Do you think "Gordie" is his real name? Yeah.

Flashback to Sawyer meeting with his partner, Gordie. Gordie's impressed that Sawyer's been able to con Cassidy, and wants to take the money from her soon. Sawyer's not feeling it anymore and wants to pull out of the scheme. Gordie's disappointed that Sawyer's fell in love with his mark. He says that Sawyer is a con man and a leopard doesn't change his spots and he'll always be one. He then warns Sawyer that if he doesn't go through with it, he'll kill them both.

Jack and the group arrive at the hatch in time to see Sawyer put the numbers into the computer. Jack realizes there're no guns and wants to know where Locke is. Sawyer just smiles and pops a painkiller Jack had taken from him earlier.

Didn't see that one coming

Down on the beach Jack questions Locke about the location of the guns. Locke's convinced there might be another accident if they all get their hands on the guns. They argue about the guns, and Locke asks how many guns Jack wants, Jack says two. All of the sudden gunshots ring out. Sawyer has a gun!!! Everyone is surprised to see him, especially with the gun. He tells them that he's pissed because when he was on the raft, trying to save them, they went through his stuff and took things from him. He says that now he has the guns, they'll have to come to him if they want anything, and now he's in charge. He tells them that a new Sheriff is in town and walks off.

Never go anywhere without the red Sharpie

Sawyer goes to Cassidy's house and confessed everything to her. He says that he has a partner, and she's been the long con. He takes her $600,000 from a briefcase and hurriedly puts it in a duffle bag. He shows her a car outside of the house and says it's Gordie and that if he doesn't come out with the money he's going to kill them both. He hands her the duffle bag and says to go out the back, that down the street there's a rental car. He wants her to drive to some place and meet up with him later. He hurries her out and they say I love you to each other.

Don't get mamma mad

On the island Kate is pissed. She wants to know how Sawyer was able to get the guns since he was in the hatch. Plus she says that he's not a good tracker and couldn't have tailed Locke through the jungle. He admits that he didn't attack Sun though, and Kate knows that's true because they were together when that happened. She walks way and says that she thinks he wants everyone to hate him.

Tune in Tokyo

Hurley is reading a manuscript as Sayid approaches. Sayid says that he's worked on the radio transmitter and tells Hurley that he doesn't think they'll get a signal, but will try. The two sit down and listen to it. Hurley gets excited when they pick up music from what sounds like another era. Sayid isn't optimistic though and says that radio waves can come from thousands of miles away, bouncing off of the ionosphere. I don't know if that's a word, but you get what I'm saying. Sayid says they could be from anywhere and Hurley says, "or any time". He says he's just joking, but you know what I say...


Charlie's in love with that damned hoodie

In the jungle Sawyer is meeting with someone, it's Charlie! Charlie was the one who took the guns and hid them after Locke did. He says he wanted Locke to feel like a fool after what happened with Claire's baby and Locke beating him up. Charlie doesn't want anyone to find out that he's the one who took Sun. Charlie wants to know how Sawyer thought of something like this.

See he does love her

In his flashback it's right after he rushed Cassidy out. He goes out to Gordie's car and gets in the passenger seat. Only thing is Gordie isn't there. Sawyer makes his way back into the house and under the table is the real duffle bag he stuffed with her money.

So sad

Sawyer tells Charlie that a leopard doesn't change his spots. He says that he's not a good person, and that he's never done a good thing in his life. Charlie walks away. Damn this is a good show!