CHEESEBURGERS IN PARADISE

I'm officially staging a Danielle intervention. Come on girl, I get that you want nice breasts. We all do. Let me give anyone else thinking about doing this a piece of advice, don't go to the person Danielle is using. How do you know if they're bad? If they have an address somewhere in Juarez, Mexico and their office is "open all night". That would be your first clue. The second would be that they only take cash and the "doctor's" assistant is his twelve year old son.

So Terry and Sally are fighting for their Survivor lives right now. La Mina is down to two and Casaya's still strong with six. Terry's cool with the situation because a) he still has that Immunity Idol, and b) he's confident he'll win any upcoming Immunity Challenges. He's telling some of the group about his days as a fighter pilot, much of which sounds extremely cool. Terry uses his time with the guys to ask them about his chances of making it to the final six. They tell him to not even go there because the chances of that are pretty slim.

Courtney, Cirie and Danielle, who are in the shelter, talk about the Immunity Idol Danielle claims to have seen. She tells the women about him showing her the Idol but admits that all she saw was some furry looking thing, so he could have been lying. I mean, the last furry things she saw were the handcuffs the director told her to use in her scene with Rock Hardson, so she doesn't know for sure. The women wonder, as Terry continues telling his story about dropping bombs (no not that kind) how they're going to beat a Navy pilot. Cirie says that maybe Terry will just break his arm or something. She's going to call Louie and Vinnie to see what they can do. Danielle also says that after Terry and Sally are gone, she wants Aras to go next. I think maybe she hit on him and he doesn't like fake boobs. He does live in California though, so maybe that's not the case. Danielle even quickly looks in Terry's bag, I guess to prove to the other girls that she's telling the truth, and to prove to herself that she's not crazy.

Aras eventually comes over to the girls and they talk about Terry the Terminator. He says that the girls need to calm down because it's not like Terry's an American Gladiator. Ha, do you remember that show? That was awesome. He also tells them that if they have to send someone to Exile Island, he wants it to be him. He wants to do a little snooping of his own. The camera quickly pulls in to Aras' eyebrow, which lifts.

At the Reward Challenge we know it's going to be something good. From the previews I saw some people were crying so either, its letters from home or relatives are there to visit. Jeff tells them to come back in a hut to get a preview of the reward. I'm right, it's video messages from their loved ones. Shane starts crying like a frakin' baby. Seriously bawling. Grow some balls you sissy. Anyway, they all get to view about fifteen seconds of a longer video from each of their families. This is the time we see who's married, if they have an ugly ass wife, and who's living the single life with their dog. It's all fairly uninteresting. Courtney's mom and family are throwing her "love signs". Okay, how come when hippies do it it's called "love signs" and when I do it they're called "gang signs"? That's messed up. Peace! Shane's son finally comes on and damn if he's not crying like a baby again. Jeff probes (not Probsts) him and Shane says that he and his son grew up together. I'm expecting him to say he was seventeen, eighteen when his kid was born, but he doesn't, he was twenty-one, which I think is a fairly decent age, but I guess not to Shane. As much as this douche irritates me, it's nice to see he has so much love for his son, who he calls his other half, best friend, brother. I really want to be creeped out by this, and think it's stupid to call your son your brother, but alas, it's nice. Aras' dad is in his back yard with a teepee and says hi and that he wants to show him something. Unfortunately the tape cuts off and we don't get to see what it is. Aras tells us that his dad's always wanted a teepee so he got one. I'd like to ride in the Oscar Meyer Weiner Truck but people would point and laugh so I'm not gonna do it. The winning team will not only get to see their full length video, but will also get peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with milk.

Drop her. Drop her. What? She'd just bounce back up

On to the challenge. I'm going to just relay on the picture above for this. In short, someone lays in a stretcher type thing and gets pulled around a large area with pulleys. The other three teammates have to pull the person around so they can pick up numbered flags and then place them sequentially, on another part of the contraption. The teams are Bruce, Sally, Terry and Courtney, and then Aras, Danielle, Shane and Cirie. They pick Courtney and Danielle to be on the stretcher. Not sure if this is the best idea, seeing that Shane looks like he weighs about a buck ten and one of Danielle's rocks weighs that much, but I guess they have their reasoning.

The challenge starts and Aras' team is kicking a little booty. I'm upset because I really want Terry to have some food so he can win the Immunity Challenge. I also want to see what the hell is in Aras' dad's teepee, so I'm torn. Everything's going great for his team, until he accidentally knocks over one of the flags in its post. They have to pull Danielle around to have her reset it. This takes up way too much time and Terry's team's able to make up some time and get ahead of them by three or four flags. Cirie knocks over another one of her team's flags and this sets them back more. Ultimately it's Terry's group that wins and gets Reward. When Terry and his group deliberate on who to send to Exile Island Terry suggests Aras. Obviously Aras is his biggest threat, but he says it's because Aras will eat anything. What kind of reasoning is that? Are we 10? Now Shane, that Mofo, looks like he'd eat anything. But it's not a big deal because Aras wanted to go anyway.

When Shane, Cirie and Danielle get back to camp, Shane tells them that if they were going to lose a challenge, this was the one. Yeah, the tapes would be nice, but they could live without it. And the sandwiches, that's nothing. Cirie notes that he was just trying to make them feel better, which is nice. What's not nice is Shane coming up to Cirie, who's a nurse, and announcing that he has something wrong with his penis. She tells him that some men just aren't as blessed as others. Apparently he has some sort of rash on Little Shane. Cirie thinks this is hilarious, and I feel sorta bad for Shane. She asks if maybe he can just explain it to her, but he says no, that she needs to look because it hurts so much he can't even touch it. He's gone around the corner to hide from Danielle, although hiding from the crew would have been my first priority. She finally looks at it and tells us that it's not his penis that has the problem, it's his testicles. Not that I'm a doctor or anything, but I've been watching ER for a long time and I try to guess what could be wrong with his nuts, eh, I'm sorry, testicles. Poison Ivy or Oak is the first thing that comes to mind, although I don't know if they have that in Panama. Actually, I don't know about anything they may have in Panama. Regardless, it turns out his nuts are just irritated from being in wet pants. They've chafed. She explains that it's sorta like diaper rash. He has to dry out his nuts and the chafing should go away. He decides to make a "chafing skirt" out of his shirt and let his boys feel the air. In Cirie's download she says that Shane's like a cartoon character. Yeah, kinda like those ones that get run over with a steamroller and are all flat and skinny when they get up. Yeah, I can see that.

Aras is doing well on Exile Island, he's made a fire and started looking for the Idol. He's pulling up rocks, looking at the map upside down, quite curious about where the damn thing can be buried. He figures out that Terry sending him there reveals a lot. First, he sent him there because he feels he's his biggest competition, and wanted to weaken him. Second, he has no fear of him ever finding the Idol because he already has it, so why not send him there. Wow, Aras is a smart one.

"Porn Night" in Panama

When the winning group finally comes back to camp, not only are their bellies full but they've been able to bring their luxury items back with them. Terry brought back an American flag which he tells us was on his father-in-law's coffin and symbolizes, zzzzzzz. Oh, sorry. Anyway, Courtney was nice enough to bring back her fire ball things that she lights on fire and twirls around. Cirie thinks it's a fun item. The boring items go to Bruce who brings his sketch book and Sally who brings back her journal. The last place I'd want to be sh*t talking people is in that thing. They are some nosy people.

A day passes and Terry and Sally are nervous about the pending Immunity Challenge and Tribal Council. As much as the whole Casaya alliance bothers me, so does the La Mina one. They want to get down to the final two, obviously, and want to have someone come over to their side. I think a better plan would be to get everyone on your side and make them vote for, let's say, Shane. But hey, that's just me. Instead, they think if one of them wins the challenge, then they'll warn Courtney or Danielle that they'll play the Immunity Idol, which means someone from Casaya will go home. I mean I understand what they're trying to do, and I really hope it works out for them, but as strategies go, not sure if it's the brightest one.

We're finally at the Immunity Challenge. Aras come back and plays like he may or may not have the Immunity Idol, which should just make people laugh because over half of them know Terry has it. Jeff hands each person a nut and shell and tells them to hold onto them for a minute while he explains the challenge. About twenty feet out in the ocean, underwater, is a row of symbols. They have to dive in, memorize as much of the symbols as they can, swim back out and line the symbols up in a small box. Whoever can line them up correctly, wins. Kinda like the game Memory. The catch of this game is that anyone who thinks they're safe from elimination, can sit down at a table and eat cheeseburgers, fries and soda. Jeff tells them to show him either the shell or the nut, depending on what they want to do. Every Casaya member except Aras decides to eat the cheeseburgers. The others gather around the food and prepare to stuff their faces as long as the challenge is going on. The challenge starts and they swim out, trying to memorize the symbols. They get back around the same time and start arranging it. Aras finishes first but unfortunately, or fortunately for Terry, he doesn't get it and heads back out to get another look at the symbols. While he's out Terry finishes and Jeff checks it, he's right! Terry wins Immunity and all the other Casaya members have thoroughly stuff they're faces with food.

My strategy would be to ditch the buns and fries and go for the protein.

Later at the beach Aras takes his tribe mates aside and says that he looked high and low for that damn Idol. He thinks that either someone found it or it's well hidden. Wow, he must be a rocket scientist. Meanwhile, Terry decides to show Bruce his Idol. Get a room you two. Sally's trying to work on the women and tells them about Terry playing the Immunity Idol tonight and how one of the Casaya members will go home anyway, and that it'll most likely be Aras, so they should vote for him anyway. Why she doesn't just use the argument that they should vote for him, I don't know. Perhaps she wants Terry to use the Idol so she can vote him out later. I doubt she's thinking that straight.

Terry tries to work on Courtney much in the same way. In her download Courtney reasons that although Terry's hard to beat at Immunity, Aras would be harder to beat once it's just the two of them. This is interesting for two reasons. First of all, why does she think she's getting into the final two, Danielle and Cirie are the only ones who like her, and barely. And second, why would Aras be harder to beat then Terry? Terry's an all around nice guy who's played the game well, and if he's in the final two then he's won half a dozen Immunities and has to have the respect of all the players. Either there's more going on with Terry being a douche then we know, or Courtney's off her rocker. I wonder which one it is.

Cirie calls it when she comments that if Terry uses his Immunity Idol to save Sally it'd be the dumbest move in Survivor history. I can't really comment on that because I only watch every other Survivor and don't know if that's true. Terry also tells us that he's not sure if he's going to use the Idol to save Sally.

We've finally made it to Tribal Council and Jeff goes around asking everyone about their feelings, and lots of mushy stuff. He gets on some of them about not doing the Immunity Challenge and Shane says that he's lucky he wasn't worried about the Challenge and over performed by eating two cheeseburgers. I bet that was the first time he's ever over performed. Sally's a bit irritated that some people have that luxury of being so confident and not being able to do the Challenge. Jeff then brings up the good point of Aras feeling like the whole thing was on his shoulders since no one else from Casaya decided to do the Challenge to help secure Terry or Sally not win Immunity. We find out that he wasn't competing so the two of them wouldn't win, he was competing because he knew his head was on the chopping block.

Jeff asks Shane if they've talked about how dominant Terry's been. He tells him yes, and that unless he keeps winning Immunity Challenges, he'll be gone soon. He says that he'd have to win all six to get to the final two. I haven't done the math here, and quite frankly, I don't want to, but that's a lot of challenges to win. If anyone could do it it'd be Terry, so I'm crossing my fingers. Terry tells the group that he'll be winning them. Jeff asks Danielle about Terry's confidence and she seems annoyed by it. Jeff so wonderfully points out that that's exactly how they're all acting being in Casaya with the numbers. Tell 'em Jeff! The voting starts and Courtney writes down a name we don't see and says that the person she wrote down is nice, but too much of a threat. Okay, so this has to be Aras she wrote down right? Jeff tallys the votes and wouldn't you know it, two for Aras and all the rest Sally. Sally gets up with a slight hesitation, thinking maybe Terry will use the Idol, but he doesn't. She leaves and in her exit interview says that she's not mad at Terry for not using it. Here's hoping she goes back to the holding camp, has some food, a shower and bonks Austin!

EBONY AND IVORY

Remember the other day when I said old love was sometimes gross? Well, sometimes old love is sweet. We were finally treated to the background story of Rose and Bernard. These two are just the sweetest. The hatch story moves along, albeit sorta slow, and we see the return of a much loved character.

We start off on the beach where Rose is organizing the newly dropped food. Bernard comes up and wonders if Rose is bothered, seeing that the food just came from the sky. Obviously Bernard isn't having a great time. He thinks everyone's given up on being rescued, seeing they're building houses and pantries and what not.

Meanwhile, Locke's in the hatch trying to figure out what was on that door that dropped down on him. He can't get it and I know why, that damn counter's going off and he's not hitting the button. Luckily Jack's there to remind him to hit it. How things have changed. Ana-Lucia's still there and apparently Henry's not eating, hasn't for two days. No water either. What's the rule? 3 minutes, 3 days, 3 weeks? How long you can survive without air, water and food. He should be coming up on the water one. If he really wants to show them he should hold his breath. When Jack goes in to talk to him and change his bandage Henry's not in a talkative mood. That whole bedside manner thing of Jack's has totally gone out of the window. He does tell Henry that maybe that whole prisoner exchange thing he talked about the other day may be a good idea. That maybe they'll exchange Walt for him. Jack says he's going out to that line they told him not to cross when they met up in the jungle and cross it, see if he can get their attention to get Walt back. Henry finally speaks and tells him that they'll never give him Walt back. Jack likes a challenge.

We get our very first Rose and Bernard flashback, yay! I don't know what city they're in, maybe New York, and Rose is stuck in the snow. She's just stepping on the gas and the tires are rotating, but she's not going anywhere. She must be from the south or something, because any self respecting Northerner knows exactly how to get out of the snow. Bernard is outside of the car and tells her that she needs to rock it back and forth. She thinks she's doing just fine but he goes around the back and rocks it for her. As she steps on the gas and moves forward, he falls face first into the snow. Once she gets out of her car to see if he's alright, they introduce themselves. Yes, they don't even know each other. Is it just me, or did you think they've known each other forever? Anyway, it looks like they have an instant connection, but he goes to his car to leave. She gets up the courage to ask him if he wants to have coffee and he smiles.

Back on the island Rose has put aside a box of Dharmabars or something just for Hurley. Of course he's on a diet so thanks her but doesn't take it. Bernard walks up and wonders what Hurley's doing. It's not like they all have jobs so they're just standing around. He wants Hurley to gather up a bunch of people and meet him down the beach. He has an idea.

Jack's preparing to go off and get Walt back and Ana-Lucia doesn't think its' the smartest thing. She offers to go with him but he says no. She gives him the gun and warns him not to go out there alone. He wasn't planning to. He finds Kate and Sawyer on the beach and says he's going into the jungle to talk to the bearded guys. Sawyer takes this as an invitation and as a request for a gun, but it's not him he's come for, it's Kate. (yeah, I wondered why he would want Kate instead of the cop Ana-Lucia, but he answers it soon enough) He tells Sawyer he already has a gun and this surprises him. Doesn't he take inventory of his guns? The lineage of the gun, post Sawyer's confiscation. Because Charlie's in on the whole Sawyer thing he took the gun out of his stash. He gave the gun to Sayid when they were going to look for the balloon, and to make sure Sayid didn't blow Henry's brains out Ana-Lucia took it. Again, if Sawyer just had an inventory he would have realized something is gone. Sawyer looks hurt Jack didn't ask him to go.

Bernard's on the beach and he's standing on a soap box. He's basically making fun of the creature comforts, you know, like the showers they're talking in the hatch. He says it's like none of them want to go home again. Hurley points out that they did build a raft, it's not their fault the thing got blown up. Bernard thinks that since the food was dropped that means a plane flies over. He says that they're going to build a big sign so that next time a plane flies over or a satellite takes a picture, they'll know they're there. Rose is standing in the background and says that maybe they should talk to Jack about this. Bernard rightfully points out that Jack's just the doctor, that this isn't a democracy. Rose sorta rudely points out that he's just a dentist. He pulls her aside and wonders why she's arguing with him. She says that all he's doing is giving them false hope. Not really the best thing to say, he gets a little mad at her for that.

In their flashback they're at Niagra Falls, at a restaurant. She thinks the falls are beautiful but he seems a bit distracted. He calls over a violinist and gets down on one knee to propose. No one in the restaurant seems too concerned. I'd be standing behind him with popcorn to see what she said, but that's just me, and I'm nosy. Anyway, he gives a beautiful speech about them only being together for five months, but that he loves her deeply. He's very touching. When he asks her to marry him she tells him that she's dying. Not quite the response he was looking for. She tells him that she's been in remission but now it's back and her doctor doesn't think she has more then a year. He looks heartbroken but tells her that she hasn't answered his question. After some thinking she says yes. Tears, rolling.

Bernard's finally gone to Eko to ask him for some man power and some of the wood they're using. He tells him that they're going to be building a sign but Eko says he's busy. Charlie's busy helping Eko and Bernard wants to know what they're building. When they tell him it's a church
Bernard's pissed, he's trying to get people saved. Eko points out that people are saved in different ways.

I had a hard time sleeping after seeing this

Locke's still trying to figure out that damn door. He gets frustrated and hobbles over to the locker. Ana-Lucia won't let him in but says he can talk to him through the door. Locke goes up and tries to talk to Henry, but he doesn't answer. He just wants to know if Henry pushed the button. Henry's just sitting in the room looking really frakin' creepy with a half smile. Can Sayid please kick his ass again?

When Bernard gets back with some wood, there's only about 8 people there to help him build the sign. He starts instructing them on how to build it, starting with black rocks he found half a mile into the jungle. He says they're going to hall them out. Hurley's not too keen on walking about a mile in and out of the jungle, and I say I have to agree with him. Everyone else isn't too keen on it either and Bernard thinks it's worth the trouble.

Rose thinks she and Bernard are lost in the outback. Yes, they said LOST. I love it when the show shouts itself out. Bernard's not lost though, at least not yet. He and Rose are in Australia to see some sort of healer. Rose didn't know about this because Bernard didn't think she'd come otherwise. He's right because she's pissed he brought her out there and paid $10,000 to this guy. She's upset because she's made her peace with this whole dying thing, but he hasn't. He doesn't want to give up and asks if she'll just try, for him. How can she say no to those baby blues?

Rose sees Bernard approach Sawyer about helping him and of course he doesn't want to help, he's rebuilding his shelter from when Hurley knocked it down kicking his ass. When Bernard and Rose do talk, Bernard's pissed at her because she didn't give him her support. He wonders what's the matter with her. She's being a bit of a bitch, saying he's always having to do something. He points out that if he didn't always have to do something she wouldn't be there. Ouch. She walks away.

Hotness

Jack and Kate are still walking through the jungle and she says she's flattered. He didn't take her because she was the best shot, or the best fighter, it was because they didn't want her. The Others had her before and didn't keep her. Haha, no one wants you bitch. I'm joking, I sorta like her. Except when she's stupid, like now. She sees a baby doll on the ground and as Jack screams for her not to touch it, she does. Oldest frakin' trick in the book. Suddenly a trap springs and they're both caught up in it, dangling ten feet over the ground. They're really close and I feel a little sexual tension as well as awkwardness. Jack tries to get the gun that's around in the waste band of his pants but can't reach it. Kate reaches around and we get a sweet shot of that area right above his pants and a little bit of his underwear. Hotness. Hold on, I need a minute. It's the small things in life, really. Anyway, once Kate gets the gun they want to shoot the rope. She claims she's a better shot then him but truly, how the hell would they even know that? She misses, stupid girl. When Jack tries he, of course, gets it and they fall down on top of each other and giggle.

Jin's the only one left on the beach helping Bernard, mostly because he doesn't understand what he's saying. When he sees Jin's only making one row of rocks he gets pissed. He's only pissed because everyone's left him and Jin walks off, upset. But Bernard catches him and says he just wants to get his wife, Rose, home. Jin understands Rose, but he doesn't get the rest of it and walks off anyway.

Locke's made it to the beach on his crutches. Must have taken most of the day. Rose sits down with him and they have a little chat. They talk about the sign Bernard's making and how she thinks it's futile. Then the subject of Locke's broken leg comes up. Locke says that Jack thinks it'll take a few weeks to heal. Rose tells him that they both know it's not going to take that long. Wink. Wink.

Back in Australia, Rose meets with the faith healer. In his office he has tons of crutches, wheelchairs, and braces, making me think he's healed all the people those used to belong to. He also has thank you cards on one wall. Rose sits down and he explains to her that the place they're at has some sort of energy to it, that other places in the world have it as well. He says he can harness the energy and give it to her or whatever. He then does some sort of healing touch thing, closing his eyes. Unfortunately he can't do anything for her, says that place can't help her, although other places may be able to help, just not that one. She's upset, but more worried about Bernard, who she sees playing with a little girl. She tells the healer that she's going to tell Bernard that he fixed her.

In the jungle it's raining and Kate and Jack are still walking. She finally admits to him about finding the other hatch. She also tells him about the clothes and theatre make-up she found. 'Bout time she told someone. He's a bit irritated and she says she was going to tell him when he let her back into the club. Bitter much? As they're talking they come across the area they were at when the Others found them and had Kate hostage. Jack goes into the middle of the field and starts yelling that he's there and has their man. He wants them to come out because he knows they can hear him. He says he'll be there until they come out. Let's hope it's soon.

Bernard's still making the signal in the sand and Rose comes with a peace offering, food. He's still pissed because her little speech earlier caused everyone to leave. She apologizes to him for lying, about the faith healer. She admits he didn't heal her, but Bernard doesn't believe it.

At the airport she and Bernard are waiting for the plane while she describes to him what she means in a nifty voice over that I don't believe they've done before. She says that when you have something in your body that doesn't belong, you know it. When she got to the island she knew it wasn't there anymore. When he questions why she said she was cured she says she didn't want him to waste the time they had left. He also wonders how she knew it was gone and she says she just did. In the airport she drops a bottle of pills and they roll over to Locke who's in a wheelchair.

Bernard looks hurt and realizes she doesn't want to be rescued. Kinda selfish seeing there're 40 other people there. Why she couldn't have the rescue team leave them there I don't know. Anyway, he tells her that he just wants to be with her, no matter where it is. Luckily he didn't get too far on the giant S.O.S.

In the hatch Locke's listening to some music when Ana-Lucia comes in, real proud of herself that she pushed the button. He goes back and tries to work on the diagram he saw on the door. All he needed was some fresh air and a talk with Rose because he starts drawing it and is quite pleased.

We see flashes of some of the other people. Charlie and Eko are still building the church; Jin and Sun are hanging out in their tent while Jin rubs her belly; Claire's with Aaron; Hurley's making shadow puppets for Libby which she thinks are hilarious; Sawyer's eating some food when Walt's dog, Vincent, comes up. He feeds him some of the food, reluctantly; Rose and Bernard sit by the fire together.

Meanwhile, out in the jungle, Kate thinks the Others aren't going to show their faces. She's getting bored already. Damn, you got somewhere else to be? While they're waiting she says she's sorry for kissing him, he says he's not. They look like they're going to kiss again when suddenly, they hear something in the jungle. It looks like someone, with a torch, is running straight for them. Jack gets his gun out but when the person gets to them and falls to the ground, it's MICHAEL!!!!! Bad ass!

SUMABITCH

Let me just start off by saying, hahahahahahahahahah. Ah, that felt good. As always, exciting and had me on the edge of my seat for the whole show. I love this show, dangit.

Eric and Jeremy were the first team to start out. They're instructed to take the train from Sicily to Rome and find their next clue at the Trevi fountain. When they get to the station they find out the first train doesn't leave until 8am the next morning, so all the teams are bound to bunch up. I'm glad because Ray and Yolanda are in last place and I really like them. Not the best players, but still, I like them. When last place team Ray and Yolanda get to the train station they laugh with Eric and Jeremy that they haven't seen them in awhile, since they've been in last place and Eric and Jeremy have been in first or second. Don't know exactly how that is since at the end of each leg there's a mandatory rest period where they eat and are social. Whatever, it's a cute moment that I just ruined with my nit picking.

Once in Rome, Lake has shaved and it's quite a shock. When did he do that? I mean I guess on the train, but that's kinda weird and gross to me. Anyway, Eric and Jeremy and MoJo opt to take taxis instead of the metro, which everyone else takes. I'm not really sure who the dumbass is who suggested they take the metro but the two taxi teams seem to have a decent lead. When they arrive at the Trevi fountain they find their clue which tells them to travel less then a mile to the Spanish Steps. There they'll find a carriage and in one of the biggest product placements I've ever seen on a television show they're to find a clue with Da Vinci's Vutruvian Man on it and solve a puzzle, ala The Da Vinci Code, a small clip follows. Monica, who, with Joseph, is still making her way to the Trevi Fountain comments on how amazing it is to walk the same streets as Ceasar and all those people. Gotta love the girl.

See, dumb

When Eric and Jeremy get to the carriage and find the puzzle, it's really stupid. It's two pieces of tracing paper that have the drawing on it. You just have to put it together to figure out what it says. They do it in seconds. It can't be that though because it's so easy my 4 year old nephew could do it. I'm thinking it has to come into play later. MoJo gets there and put it together as well. The clue they find says they'll have to fly to Athens, Greece to find an ancient marketplace called Agora.

Everyone makes it to the fountain and steps and gets on the same flight out to Athens. When they get to Athens it's Fran and Barry who are out in a taxi first. MoJo and Ray and Yolanda are next and they have a little animosity between them. Joseph doesn't understand why they're all business. It's only $1 Million!!! Yolanda also thinks that maybe there's not a lot going on up there. I'm assuming she means in MoJo's heads. Hey, I don't want my two favorite teams to be fighting. Of course, the next place they arrive doesn't open until 8am so they bunch up again.

At 8am it's pouring out and the teams go for the cluebox. They find out that this is the first of only two Fast Forwards. In this one the teams have to walk less then a mile to a restaurant and do a good luck Greek ritual, breaking plates. MoJo decides to do it and takes off. For some dumbass reason, Eric and Jeremy also decide to do it. They're such douches. Okay, your team gets either 1st or 2nd place every time, without the Fast Forward, why would you ever waste this one and do it now? They're never happy with 2nd place. So frustrating, hopefully their arrogance will come bite them in the ass. Fran and Barry decide to do it as well. Unfortunately, even though MoJo gets there in record time, Eric and Jeremy's luck stays with them and they are able to quickly find the flag that was baked into one of the plates. It tells them to go to the Pit Stop, the Fortress of Rion. MoJo heads out and a few minutes later Fran and Barry showed up and realize the Fast Forward is gone. They take off as well.

The other teams have to take a train 70 miles to Corinth and get off at a certain station to find their next clue. They get on the train and head off. When MoJo gets to the train station and know the other teams are ahead of them Monica breaks down, thinking they're in dead last. Joseph tries to comfort her, to no avail, until he tells her that if she keeps being down and crying he's going to be pissed. They have a little dialogue where she reminds him that she's a woman and this is the way she handles things. When Fran and Barry arrive Monica immediately snaps out of it when she realizes they're still in the race.

Lake and Michelle, Ray and Yolanda, and BJ and Tyler arrive in Corinth. Unfortunately, either BJ or Tyler tells them they've arrived and all six get off. When they realize it's not the right train station, instead of getting back on the train, they opt to take a bus the rest of the way there, as the attendant there instructed them they should do. Michelle is the first to point out that taking a bus wasn't in the clue and wonders if it's going to screw them up. All knowing Lake tells her that this isn't going to screw them up. Lake. Lake. That's such a dumb name.

At the correct station they go up to the cluebox and pull the numbered tags. It's a Roadblock. Bungee jumping! I guess for a million bucks I'd do this, but not for a penny less. This bungee jump is especially bad ass because you have to jump way out. Ray is first and has no problem doing it. When they open the clue afterwards it's a Detour. They have to choose between Herculean Effort and It's All Greek to Me. I'm a little disappointed the producers couldn't rhyme those. Anyway, in Herculean Effort the teams have to participate in three classic Greek sports, javelin, discus, and wrestling to get their next clue. In It's All Greek To Me it's at the same stadium. They have to go to an archaeological site and find nine pieces of pottery with Greek letters on them. Then they have to translate the letters into English, with the help of Greek "spectators" there on the spot, and find the Greek city on the map that spells out. Ray and Yolanda run to the marked cars across the bridge and head out.

MoJo arrives pretty soon after and Tyler, Michelle and Monica do the jump with no problem. Fran's freaking out. Barry tells us that this is the one thing she didn't want to do on the whole race, bungee jump. When she gets out there she's hesitant. After a few minutes of terror she finally take the leap. She tells Barry that it was the most scared she's ever been.

Eric and Jeremy arrive at the Pit Stop and run up to Phil. Apparently, putting the two pieces of tracing paper together to read the words on the bottom was the only thing they had to do, so they win a prize. Their prize is being able to walk down the red carpet at the premiere of The Da Vinci Code. These tools love this prize, and I'm not surprised, they'll love to see pictures of themselves in magazines I'm sure.

At the stadium Ray and Yolanda show up and start the games. Yolanda throws the discus, no problem. Unfortunately Ray's attempts at throwing the javelin don't work. MoJo comes along and Joseph's able to do the javelin fairly quickly and they move past them. The last event is to push a half naked Greek wrestler out of the ring. MoJo has a little difficulty but when it's finally Ray and Yolanda's turn, Yolanda's no little butterfly.

Over at It's All Greek To Me, Lake and Michelle arrive a few minute later and start doing it as well. BJ and Tyler are still driving and stop and ask for directions. They're heartbroken when they realize they've driven nearly an hour or so in the wrong direction. They quickly get back on the road and start heading the right way. I don't want to see these two go, but it seems inevitable. Tyler feels like this is all his fault since he was in charge of the map. BJ takes it in stride, at first a little mad, but then putting on a festive frog hat to lighten the mood. Of course, this could be a non-elimination leg.

Fran and Barry figure out which city the Greek letters spell and leave. When they pull the car out of the lot, Barry smashes into a tree and the back window shatters. This scares the hell out of me so I can't imagine how bad it must have been to be Fran in the back seat. I'm surprised the poor thing didn't have a heart attack.

He's not getting lost this time

At the Pit Stop Ray and Yolanda end up in second place because MoJ got lost on their way there. Unfortunately, Phil tells them that even though they've arrived second, they get a 15 minute penalty for getting off the train and taking the bus. As they sit there MoJo arrives and takes second. When the fifteen minutes are up Ray and Yolanda are checked in third. Fran and Barry come in fourth.

Now it's just between BJ and Tyler and Lake and Michelle. Editing makes it look like Lake and Michelle have left the stadium by the time BJ and Tyler make it there. Lake and Michelle get lost on their way to the Pit Stop and Lake actually breaks down. As much as it pains me to say, it's quite sweet how Michelle comforts him. BJ and Tyler go through the games as it rains on them and it's kinda gross when Tyler takes his shirt off to wrestle. That boy needs some sun.

BJ and Tyler have to stop and ask for directions again and when they arrive to the mat they're greeted by Phil. Imagine their surprise when they're told they're not in last place. Just like Ray and Yolanda though, they have a fifteen minute penalty for getting off the train. As they sit there nervously, I'm not worried because Lake and Michelle were on that train too, so even if they did arrive while BJ and Tyler were waiting, they'd have that penalty as well. And of course, I'm nearly 100% positive this is a non-elimination leg. The fifteen minutes are up and BJ and Tyler are checked in in fifth place. When Lake and Michelle do finally get there and Phil tells them they're in last place, I'm happy to say they're eliminated.

Now I really don't care who wins, as long as Scott Peterson didn't win, I was cool. I hope those douches Eric and Jeremy don't win, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I'd like it to be MoJo I think.

SCOTT FOLEY IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN

Okay, so that statement's not true, but damn if I wish it was. I talk about Sawyer, and Jack Bauer, and Michael Scofield all of the time, I know. But there are a few unsung heroes that I want to take a minute to recognize for their hotness.

I don't recap The Unit, but I really enjoy this show. I have no idea if it's how Special Forces really are, and I don't care. President Palmer from 24 is on it, so I have a little hatred towards it for taking our dear President away from us. On the other hand, I get to watch Scott Foley run around and shoot guns and get dirty. The show is good, and it keeps the viewer in the dark during some of the missions as well, which makes it fun. If you haven't checked it out, for nothing else but the beautiful green eyes of Scott Foley, I'd recommend it.

Another hottie I don't get to talk about here is Enrique Murciano from Without A Trace. Nevermind the great show, with the rest of the great cast, Enrique is sizzlin'. Yes, I just said sizzlin'. He needs his own show, although Trace is just about as good as it gets for procedural dramas. Not a lot of character development, but exciting enough for me to take up DVR space.

I know I've talked about How I Met Your Mother before, but I don't think I've ever talked about how damn cute Marshall is. Yeah, he's nerdy, but in a cute 'I don't care that you're a nerd because you're hot' sorta way. And he's funny, which is hot. Everyone in the cast is funny, and mostly hot.

Even though I don't recap Battlestar Galactica, that show has got some yummy eye candy, especially Apollo. Holy hotness Batman, if I was ever running from robot machine thingies that wanted to kill the entire human race, he's the guy I'd want to be running with. The show's on hiatus until the summer, but catch it on reruns and see what I mean. Maybe while you're ogling Apollo you'll get into the amazing storytelling and production value of the show.

Don't worry, I didn't forget Shemar Moore. I mean, who would forget him? He's the hotness on Criminal Minds. Talk about a great procedural drama, this is also one of the best. Yeah, Mandy "Inigo Montoya" Patinkin can sing, but damn if Shemar Moore doesn't help me tune in every week. On his past shows and the soap he was on he was shirtless a lot. That's my one complaint about this show, I think he was shirtless once. What the hell is that about? If you're gonna try and attract the female viewers, Shemar has to be half naked at least every other episode, if not every one.

One more guy I have to mention is also on a CBS show. I'm obsessed with men on CBS. It's the guy who plays Jennifer Love Hewitt's husband on Ghost Whisperer, Jim. My roommate actually has a major crush on him and I don't blame her, he loves his wife and is completely devoted to her wacky ghost thing. We love that in a man.

I apologize to some of the men who may be reading this, and to cater to you, let me tell you who I think are the hottest women on TV.

Everyone knows my girl crush is Katherine Heigl from Grey's, but you know who trumps her? Jennifer Garner. This woman is gorgeous, and she has a great show, Alias, which comes back for the series wrap up this Wednesday, April 19th!!! Strong, beautiful and was once married to Scott Foley, smart lady.

I know this goes against everything I've ever told myself, and my friends, but I sorta like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ghost Whisperer is a great show and she is excellent in it. She has one of the best cries ever. As soon as her face starts contorting into it I start balling like a baby. What the hell's wrong with me?

Awhile ago I was recapping ER and for some reason I got lazy. I think it's because it's starting to bore me. Yes, I know, how could a show I've watched every single episode of for 12 years bore me? Well, it's because I've watched every single episode for the past 12 years. I still think it's one of the best, but I'm sorta tired of it none the less. When good stuff starts happening I'll be sure to let you guys all know. Oh, the reason I bring up ER, Parminder Nagra. She's absolutely gorgeous and you gotta love that British accent. I'm torn with her character on the show because as much as I like Gallant, and you know I do, I kinda want her and Ray together too. Yikes!

That's all I have to say about that.

AMERICAN 'I DON'T CARE' IDOL

Where the frak is Kenny and what have you done to him?

So I know I've been lax on this recap for the past two weeks. The only excuse I can give you is there's much better TV out there for me to be talking about. My roommate and I mostly watch this show on fast forward. Basically, the rundown is this, Ace sucks, Elliott is good but needs some stage presence, and Chris should win as long as he stops cocking his head to one side while he sings. Two weeks ago was country, which I've really tried to block out. Simon didn't like it either, not even Katie Holms, I mean Katharine, and I was right there with him. Kenny Rogers was the guest and Holy Hell, what has he done to his face? His plastic surgeon needs to get beat with a wooden bat, dragged out to the bayou and fed to the gators and then thrown up and burnt at the stake.

Girl... that does not look cute

That week we saw the beautiful Mandisa kicked out. I know, shock right? Not really though. Although when she got into a song she could really blow, the two weeks before she chose the wrong song. The beginnings were all talkie and didn't show off her gift. Plus, that last outfit she wore. Good God that was awful. I have no fear Mandisa will get some sort of recording contract, probably to sing gospel. As personalities go she wasn't my favorite anyway.

I never thought this sweet girl from North Carolina could be this scary

Last week we saw the adorable Bucky booted. My ears bled as I was forced to listen to the remaining 8 sing Queen. I like Queen, I do, but it's a very specific genre, and listening to these people sing it was just awful. I was surprised I didn't want to rip my hair out watching and listening to Paris. She did a great job. Poor Kellie did Bohemian Rhapsody and looked atrocious. Of course Ace sucked. I actually thought Bucky didn't do so bad. The past two weeks I've also tried to vote and it's been busy, for at least an hour after the show goes off. All of the numbers. I just gave up.

Hopefully the next few weeks will be the quick demise of Ace and better songs. What bothers me about this show is they continue to talk about how they're looking for someone to be the next award winning singer, but they force them to sing in genre's that they would never sing if they had a normal recording contract. You wouldn't see Mary J. Blige singing a country song any more then you'd see Trisha Yearwood singing an R&B song. I don't know why I'm so mad at Idol right now. I like the show, I do, but I'm really bored with how pretentious it's gotten. Give me The Amazing Race over Idol any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

OH NO, WAIT, I'M STILL DUMB

I'm having a hard time. You know I think this is one of the best shows on television, and damn if I don't want to marry Jack Bauer, but the President being behind all of this? The guy can't even make a decision about what tie to wear much less orchestrate this elaborate cover up.

When we join Jack and Wayne, Jack's trying to stop the bleeding of Evelyn's wounded leg. She finally tells them that she recorded a call between Henderson and Logan from earlier in the day and she hid it in a safety deposit box. The amount of things wrong with this I just won't go into. First of which is when did she have the time to go out to the bank to hide the tape, but whatever, I'm going to go with it. Anyway, the group decides to pull off the road to a motel since the military has a bunch of road blocks around the city.

Jack takes this time to call Audrey. She says they were unable to track Henderson on the satellite. He tells her about the evidence he's going to try and get and that they'll have to get her father involved in helping them bring it to light. He warns her that she should leave CTU since anyone can be involved in the cover up.

In a seedy motel w/ Jack Bauer, I have dreams that start like this

Wayne's found the bank manager's address and wants to head off to his house to get him to open the safety deposit box. They carry Evelyn inside the motel room and Jack does what looks like a piss poor job of cleaning her wound, since they can't take her to the hospital. She insists Wayne go with Jack since he'll need help with all of this and says that she'll be fine. Jack finally agrees and he and Wayne head off.

Henderson and Logan are talking and Henderson assures him that even though he doesn't know where the evidence is, he's monitoring all of the hospitals. Since Evelyn is wounded she's bond to end up there at some point. Logan says that this all got out control when he, Henderson, decided to kill Palmer. The smartest thing that man has said all two seasons. If Palmer hadn't been killed Jack never would have gotten involved and the gas would have been halfway to whatever it was going by now.

Thankfully, Karen's wondering to Miles if taking over CTU was the best thing to do. Because he's a little snot he tells her that of course it was, that they've done a bad job this whole day. I don't know what evidence he's looking at. Logan calls Karen to tell her that he wants Jack Bauer arrested for killing Palmer. Karen's confused, since Jack was exonerated earlier in the day and Logan insists that he has "new" evidence to implicate him. My blood is boiling, I hate him. Nevermind all the "old" evidence that shows he wasn't anyone near it, and the confessions of Walt Cummings and the actual shooter. Because he's the President she has no choice. She's also upset because now they're going to be focusing their resources on finding Jack, when it's Henderson who they're really after. Miles suggests they monitor Audrey, since Jack's bound to make contact with her.

Chloe's putting Audrey's cell phone on a secure line when Jack's name pops up on the screen, saying there's a warrant for his arrest. Audrey thinks it's starting now. Karen comes up to Audrey and tells her about the warrant, not saying who it is who issued it. Audrey pretends she's going home to sleep and Karen says "great, you wanna eat something too you cry baby". When Karen asks her if she's talked to Jack she lies and says she hasn't spoken to him in an hour. Before Audrey can leave Karen has one of the field agents put a tracking device on Audrey's car.

Jack and Wayne get to the bank manager's home and break in, Jack expertly picking the lock. I don't know why they don't just knock on the door and have Wayne talk to him, he is the President's brother! But that wouldn't be as dramatic I guess. Anyway, the manager hears something and walks down the hall to check it out. Jack puts a gun on him and they go into his bedroom where they tie the man's wife up.

Once Audrey leaves CTU she calls her father (Secretary Heller, yay!) who's on a plane, coming back from Japan or somewhere. She tells him that Jack's being framed and he says, 'not again'. She tells him that they're going to have evidence and she needs him there to back it up. He agrees and tells the pilot to stop at the Van Nuys Airport and to leave it off the manifest.

Audrey then pulls into a gas station. The field agents are a few miles behind her and see that she's stopped. She calls Chloe who tells her to use the CTU walkie to scan the car. She does and finds the tracking device under the car. After she pulls it off she puts it onto a DWP truck and drives off.

At the President's compound, Aaron's there as Gardner comes in, asking Logan why he issued a warrant for Jack's arrest. Before he says anything Logan dismisses Aaron. Once Aaron's gone, Logan tells Gardner about the "new" evidence. Gardner's clearly pissed he wasn't privileged to this so called "new" evidence, seeing he's the one heading up the Homeland Security/CTU switch. Logan remains vague and refuses to give Gardner anymore information about this so called evidence.

In the hotel room, Evelyn's daughter's just spent. She goes into the bathroom and starts crying. Evelyn's nearly passed out on the bed but when she hears her daughter crying she tries to get to the bathroom to help her. On her way she passes out and hits her head on the table. Frantically, her daughter calls 911, telling the operated her mother's full name. Of course, one of Henderson's men hears this and calls Henderson and gives him Evelyn's location.

It's nearly midnight but Logan likes to hear himself talk, and he likes to pat himself on the back. He holds a press conference and tells everyone that the terrorist threat is over. Martha's watching from inside the room and is impressed that Logan actually pulled it off. She notices that Aaron's a bit distracted and he plays it off that it's because he nearly got blown up earlier in the day and was shot at on two different occasions. He doesn't tell her about Jack and Wayne.

The two things I love about this: a) he has Pierce in his address book b) his battery's fully charged

Jack, Wayne and the bank manager get out of the car and walk the rest of the way to the bank. Jack gets a call from Aaron who warns him that Logan's issued a warrant for him. Jack tells him about Logan's involvement in what happened that day and that he's going to be giving the evidence to Heller to present it to everyone.

The field agents who were following Audrey calls Karen. They've pulled over the DWP truck and tell her that they've lost Audrey. They wouldn't have known except for the frequent stops the truck was making. Karen and Miles decide to redirect the satellites that are looking for Jack to finding Audrey.

Wayne and Jack finally arrive at the bank and Jack tells the manager that if he puts the wrong code in the system to activate some sort of silent alarm he has people near his wife who will kill her. He lets them in and they go to the vault. The manager finally recognizes Wayne and wonders what's going on. They finally admit what they're doing and how important it is they do it soon.

Evelyn's revived by a paramedic and is surprised to see them in the room. They call her by her name and Evelyn's shocked they know it. She starts to get scared when she realizes the situation, but before she can do anything the two paramedics are shot and killed by Henderson who tells her he wants to know where Jack is.

Martha and Logan have a nice moment where she tells him how proud she is of him. They kiss and I realized old people love is sometimes gross. He gets a call and she's a bit upset that he's still working since there's no danger anymore. It's Henderson telling him that they've found Jack. After Logan tells him to "get it done" and hangs up, Martha questions him about what could possibly be going on now that the terrorist threat is over.

Meanwhile at CTU, Miles locates Audrey's car with the satellite. Shari, the crazy techie, comes up to Chloe and asks her some techie question that I don't remember and Chloe sees from her computer that the satellite is now tracking Audrey.

At the bank Henderson's men have shown up and take position outside to ambush Jack and the crew when they come out. In the bank they finally get inside Evelyn's safety deposit box. Jack immediately plays the tape and we hear Logan tell Henderson that he killed President Palmer. The bank manager recognizes the one voice as Logan's and can't believe what he's hearing. He gives Jack his car keys for their getaway.

Jack hears something outside and through his handy site thing he carries around in his man purse, he sees that Henderson's men are stationed outside. He knows they're trapped. The only thing he can think to do is trip the silent alarm. Jack thinks Henderson doesn't want the cops to have the tapes anymore then he wants Jack to so he'll order his men to shoot them, causing enough of a distraction that Jack and the gang can escape.

Chloe goes to the server room and does some nerd stuff to corrupt the satellite feed. Miles and Karen see that they've lost the feed and Miles notices that Chloe's not at her desk. He becomes suspicious and goes to the server room. Chloe deletes some more files to cover her tracks and when Miles comes in she's gone. He walks back down the hall and just as he passes the ladies room she walks out. He wants to know what she was doing and she makes some snide comment about writing a report on what happened in the bathroom.

Jack tells the bank manager to stay inside the bank but he feels his best chances are with them, that when they leave the bad guys are bond to think he heard the tape and kill him. Oh buddy you're dead anyway. At this moment the cops show up and Jack's right, the commandos start shooting at them. Jack uses this time to leave the building and he gives them cover fire. A military vehicle passes by and starts taking out the commandos as well. Jack and the group's car isn't drivable so they move to a police car. Before they can get in the bank manager is shot. Wayne pulls him into the back seat as Jack drives off.

Unfortunately the bank manager dies and Jack calls Audrey. She's at the airport waiting for him and he tells her that he has the evidence that implicates Logan. This creates concern since Jack rightfully points out that they're talking about taking down the President of the United States. Something tells me taking down this douche won't be as hard as it sounds.