A SAD STATE

I've decided not to recap Nip/Tuck weekly. Not because I'm not watching it, I am. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much longer I can make it. The show had me when Matt was an a**hole. It had me when Sean and Christian killed that guy and dumped his body in the swamp. It had me last season during The Carver. It even had me this season when it hinted that Christian may be in fact, gay. After this week's episode though, it lost me. Well, I'm mostly lost.

I think the problem was last night I watched the season premiere of Grey's and then went right into this. It's apples and oranges, it is. When you compare a show that has consistency and character development and a plot that makes sense in a the everyday, even soap operaish world, it's hard to sit through Nip/Tuck. You know it's bad when the only person that's likable is Matt. And can I say how distracting it is that Matt and Christian are working out in my gym. Yes, the gym I work out in is featured on this show. I was there the day they filmed the scenes. I saw Matt, yes, he still looks like Michael Jackson in person. I didn't see Christian. If I had I would have been naked and probably being arrested and my trainer would have been pissed.

The first three episodes have aired and I'm debating on whether or not to use Tivo space for the rest of the season. When you're hoping it's only a 10 episode season, something's not right.

The basic premise is this, Christian's in love with Sean, or so his therapist, Brooke Shields, told him right before he stuck it to her good. Sean and Julia are together and having a baby, which Julia learned awhile back had a deformity. She didn't tell Sean until it was too late to do anything. Of course, the deformity is having lobster hands, which really isn't that big a deal. It's not like he has Spina Bifida or something obvious. I once met a girl with three fingers. Two fingers and a thumb to be exact. At first I was confused because when I shook her hand I only felt those fingers, but then when she helped put together my roommate's grill and acted completely normal, I got over it. Plus, she wore shirts with long sleeves to cover it up in case some dumbass freaked out on her. Anyway, Sean's not handling this news well and decided to do it with the potential night nurse while driving her home. Talk about random.

I can't feel sorry for Julia either because they tried doing it and it was too awkward with her belly so they gave up and just went to sleep. Look, I'm not trying to be graphic, really I'm not, but there are other ways and things you can do. And then of course, after he has sex with this girl, Julia tries to get freaky with him. If she'd have just done it a few hours earlier. Anyway, that story is just stupid. Sean's an a**hole and he's supposed to be the normal one. The baby's finally born and is as cute as a button. Even his so called "infliction" is kinda cute too. The daughter freaks out though. She's a little bitch lately, cutting her dolls to have lobster hands and taping her own hands to see what it's like. They need to sit her down and tell her instead of her making all this up and then them getting mad at her.

Matt's normal. Yes, I said it. He's normal and he's a Scientologist. You must think I'm nuts but after watching this show, he's normal. He met up with Kimber who if you're keeping up was almost his step-mother. She's a Scientologist and he's gotten into it. It's like he's a man now. A whole different person. If this is supposed to make Scientology look bad it's doing a horrible job. Oh, and remember at the end of the last season when he and the transsexual Cherry shot that white supremacist after he made Matt cut Cherry's wee wee off? Well, we learned from a throw away line from Matt that the guy's now in jail. What the hell? The most interesting thing to happen last season is explained by yeah, the guy went to jail and nothing happened to Matt? I'm glad nothing happened to him and we weren't treated to a year of him sullen over what he did like when he ran over that chick, but still, we deserved a little more then that.

When Christian started to realize he may be gay just because his therapist mentioned Sean's his only good relationship, I thought this may be a good idea. Not the stupid ass reasoning, but because I couldn't wait to see him in a scene with Mario Lopez. ( please see above butt picture) Christian's not gay (unfortunately) he's just incapable of having a mature, loving relationship. Just because he can't have that with a woman doesn't mean he's gay. That's moronic.

Sanaa Lathan is now on the show. I've always loved her. Unfortunately I hate her now. Her husband, Larry Hagman, had his balls enlarged. Great. And then they bought the practice from Sean and Christian, so theoretically the guys would have more time to do whatever it is they want to do. It's not really working out that way because they keep scheduling free surgeries which can't be cost efficient. Liz also happened to see Sanaa in the parking lot with Jacqueline Bisset who she gave two large stacks of cash to and then made out with. Whu whu whu? Okay, the making out thing I could see happening, maybe they have a thing, but who the frak carries around two huge bundles of cash in their purse, wrapped with the bank tag thing? This is just so stupid. And after Liz saw her fondled and kissed by JB, she approached her to tell her it was okay to come out as a lesbian. Why? That's so inappropriate to say to your boss. Sanaa was pissed and tried to fire her. Whatever.

I'm going to give it until the end of this season. The only reason I'm even giving it that long is because that tattooed guy is coming back. Not really sure how that's going to work out since they changed his entire face to make him look like that wanted guy to get him arrested. I guess the police figured out it wasn't him by I don't know, his voice, DNA, and the other guy running around and he got out, went to another plastic surgeon and got his face put back right. Oh, and Peter Dinklage is going to be their night nurse. I'm sure someone will have sex with him. Let's just hope it's not the little girl. I really hope this show redeems itself, and soon.

SURVIVOR'S RACIST

For those of you who haven't heard, Survivor is trying something "different" this season. Dividing the tribes by gender and age didn't stir the pot enough, so they think dividing them by race will. I am so infuriated at this I don't know what to do with myself. At first I didn't think much of it, now I'm just pissed.

The tribes are being divided into four groups, African-American, White, Asian-American, and Hispanic-American. Eventually they will merge, like the age teams from last year, but until then, America will root for a particular race, hoping another race fails miserably. Race is such a hot issue in America, I don't think creating a competition show where people will be hoping that one race doesn't make it, and that the stereotypes are promoted, is a good thing.

The reply I've seen from Mark Burnett's (the executive producer) company is that they've gotten flak for not casting a lot of ethnicities in the past, and they want this to be a sign that they are starting to see that diversity is good. First of all, why don't they just cast some ethnic people? Why do they have to make it all controversial? Secondly, the ethnic people they do cast are all idiots, lazy or follow some sort of stereotype. In all of his shows. Granted, there have been a few exception, like Cirie from last season, but even then she had never been camping and freaked out for the first few days until she got used to it.

Rooting for the women to kick butt it one thing, but rooting for the black people or Hispanic people to lose is just not cool. And how did they cast it? Are the black people lazy (like they normally cast it) and the Asian-Americans really smart? The only way this will ever be okay with me if they cast it completely against stereotypes, so that the backward ass people in America won't be getting any reinforcements of how "blacks" or any other races act.

SKIN AND BONES

So I wrote out a pretty detailed account of last week's episode of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. Then, I realized the only reason I was writing it is because I was disturbed beyond belief by this one girl they found at a model search.

When I was living back home I spent about six months as a manager at a modeling agency. We went to a few of these model searches. Basically, a thousand or so people go to a convention hall, hoping to be discovered by all the major modeling agencies. It's just awful. I mean, fun if you're an agent, at night, when you have every desperate model buying you drinks, trying to make a good impression. The bad thing about it is that anyone who thinks they're attractive can come to it. I don't mean to be an ass, I really don't, but there are some ugly mofos who go to this. I'm glad these people have confidence in themselves, but good gods.

Yo ho ho!

Janice and her partner, Peter, decide to go down to one of these, and although Janice says she feels bad for these people, going around trying to get noticed, she sh*t talks them. On that first pass of people, Peter and an eye patch wearing Janice, find this girl. I really didn't pay any attention until the next time they saw her, during call backs.

Seriously! Look at her arm! I wish I had a better picture

This time the girl was sitting with her mother and took off her jacket. Skin and bones! This is utterly disgusting. She looked like a skeleton. Now I know I talk about people like Terri Hatcher, and how disgustingly skinny she is, but this girl has got an issue. A real issue that I hope the Janice Dickinson Modeling agency addresses. You know the camera adds ten pounds, so to think the girl is even smaller in person, is very scary. Janice is a crazy bitch though.

GIMME MY CROWN, BITCH!

Last night there was nothing on. I would have normally, in the regular television season, been brooding through another stupid episode of Desperate Housewives and crying/laughing/loving my way through Grey's at 10. Don't forget it moves to Thursdays at 9pm this fall! Instead, the Miss Universe pageant was on. I hate repeats, so thought to myself, "Self, just watch the parade of nations to see the dumbass costumes they're making these women wear". So I sat myself down and watched it. The whole show. I was mesmerized and it was a bit disturbing at parts as well. I'm not a pageant fan, in fact, I think it's completely unfair they have this, but we have nothing with men trotting around in little swimsuits. The only thing we have is Mr. Universe, and I would pay someone not to watch big muscled guys in Speedos all oiled up and tanned walking around. Ewe.

Anyway, as I started watching though I became more enthralled. First, with all the women coming out in their respective nations outfit. I didn't get some of them, in fact, why the hell did USA come out dressed like a frakkin' jockey? Not only that, but she made it into the top 5. Really? Top 5? Are you sure? Oh that's right, we're in America, she has to come in at least top 5 or they'll be a riot. Actually, I thought there was going to be a riot when Miss Mexico didn't make the top 5. Everyone that was cheering for the World Cup came to the Shrine Auditorium to support Miss Mexico, who is quite beautiful.

Yes young girls, this is what your new Miss Universe looks like in a swimsuit

Let me go back to the swimsuits though. I was disturbed. These bitches are skinny. Not that I expected it to be Monique's Fat Chance, but still, they were boney, Lara Flynn Boyle, I'm gonna die at any minute skinny. I'm not saying thin isn't great, but when you can see the upper ribs, that ain't good. In the audience though was Carson from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, and some woman who I guess won some sort of pageant once. They thought the bodies were great. I know the fashion industry has some messed up idea of what beauty is, and the women in it are skinny as hell, but I didn't think it'd translate to a beauty pageant.

And Carson and that chick were just odd. They made way too many gay jokes. Not that I don't appreciate gay jokes. Wait, that didn't come out right. I appreciate gay jokes that aren't at the expense of gay people. I mean, the jokes weren't bad, but there were way too many. It's like watching Eddie Murphy's RAW, but not nearly as funny, and a bit odd at times.

The dresses were beautiful though, and some of the women. And when they had clothes on it didn't look nearly as bad than in the swimsuits. Okay, I've said "swimsuit" a few times, but I definitely don't call them that. Bathing suits. Just had to get that off my chest.

At the end of the night it was down to Japan and Puerto Rico. Japan is cute, funny, charming, and I was routing for her from the beginning. She even won for best national costume. I'm not sure why, she looked more like a samurai prostitute. And then for some unknown reason, the judges picked Puerto Rico. Actually, I think they were so scared after the whole Miss Mexico fiasco, they had to choose her.

Today I found out that the poor girl passed out during her post interviews. I'm not surprised though, as Carson pointed out they were probably eating Tic Tacs and ice cubes for the three weeks leading up to it.

And just now I went to the Miss Universe website to get pictures of the girls, and not only can I get pictures, but I can send them flowers. Yes, don't donate to orphans or give money to cancer research, be a stalker and send some flowers to a Miss Universe contestant. Weird! http://www.fiftyflowers.com/index.asp?PageAction=Custom&ID=12

What's up with that creepy arm on her neck?

All in all, I think it was a good show. I was begging for someone to trip, but they never did. I know, I'm evil sometimes. Donald Trump was in the audience looking for his next baby mamma, and unlike my prediction, in my own head, Israel and Lebanon didn't have a cat fight. At least not on stage.

JANICE IS A CRAZY BITCH

I was really sad when I found out that Janice Dickinson wouldn't be a part of America's Next Top Model. I loved watching her freak out on the models and grind against Nigel. Because really, who wouldn't want to grind against Nigel? Imagine my happiness when I learned she'd have her own show. Not just that, she'd be starting her own modeling agency, allowing her to pollute young people's minds and distort lots of little girls' body images.

This woman is a crazy bitch, but I love her. I love that people walk into her agency and she tells them to strip and they do it, or tell them to kiss a transsexual and they do it. She has power many of us only dream about having. I do think this is a good idea, she has a lot of knowledge about the fashion industry, especially where to score the dope, so she's going to be a great mentor.

This picture thoroughly distrubs me. Look at her arm!

In the first two episodes, we were mostly treated to Janice picking out the select few who would be lucky enough to join her agency. See Janice has "the eye". Kinda like Grandma Fettuccini giving "the eye" to someone. She and her cohorts go around the country, apparently, searching out the best looking people they can find. I live in LA, this is such an easy task. There are beautiful people everywhere. Kinda like the beautiful girl they find on what looks like the 3rd Street Promenade. Her name is Dirty Hobo or something like that, and Janice gets her to come to the open call. Of course she picks her, along with a few other skinny/ugly model type people.

Janice then does a photo shoot with them, where she tells them what an honor it'll be that she's doing the photo shoot. And by doing the photo shoot I mean sitting down next to photographer and telling the models what to do.

She has another open casting call and finds even more people to add to the poor five she signed during the pilot. Juxtaposed to all of this is her home life with her two children, who she claims she does all of this for. I believe her, although I'm sure the fact that she's a fame whore doesn't hurt.

During the second show, or thereabouts, she tells us that she's going to take on a business partner. I guess because she doesn't know anything about business, like adding and subtracting, she needs someone there. Someone who knows the business inside and out, who runs their own agency in San Diego. Because really, San Diego is the model capital of Tijuana. The guy, Peter Hamm, comes in and decides to take on that role. What a horrible name. It's like being called Dick Pork. Because really, that would suck.

At first I'm happy for Peter's arrival, then, he really loses me. Janice brings in all her previous picks and he starts berating them about their height and their weight. Janice agrees, in part, but doesn't like the way he's treating the girls. She tries to defend them but it's clear who wears the pants in the family, and it's not Janice, although she'd let us believe it's her.

And then, in yet another open casting call, he picks out this bimbo big boobie slutty girl. He claims it's because they can book her with Maxim and FHM and all those misogynistic magazines, but I think it's because she gives him a hard on. Even the flaming make up artist tells Janice that the girl is f*cking ugly. I wouldn't go that far, i think he's just jealous, but she isn't model pretty. Janice doesn't like her and lets the girl know she's only there because Peter wants her to be. I actually feel sorry for the girl.

Finally, after everyone is chosen, Janice has a talk with Dirty Hobo girl. She says that she really wants to help her, but she thinks the girl needs a nose job. I can see where she's coming from, it's sorta wide. The girl says she's always wanted one, and Janice sets up a meeting with Dirty Hobo and Janice's favorite plastic surgeon. Unfortunately, Dirty Hobo doesn't show up. They told her to meet them at the corner at 8am, and I guess that was too earliy for her. Janice is pissed, luckily her surgeon gives her a few shots of Botox and she feels better. At least I think she feels better, I can't tell because there's no expression on her face.

This is actually a woman...

One of her models, a hot guy with dark hair and blue eyes, comes in dressed in a suit, and breaks it to Janice that he can't continue because he got a real job. She's genuinely happy for him, and wishes him well, even though she claims she really didn't want him anyway. Hell, I'll take him.

Then it's the show down of show downs. Janice and the Dirty Hobo. She comes in, looking not as dirty, and Janice wonders where she was. Dirty Hobo then starts acting strange, like she's practiced this speech in the mirror and is trying to be professional, but it's coming off as creepy. You know when people who don't normally use big words start saying, extemporaneous and magnanimous, it's just weird. She tries to tell Janice that when she first met her, Janice said she'd help her find "housing". I'm assuming she means an apartment. In Dirty Hobo's defense, she did. I think Janice is still high from the Botox because she tells Dirty Hobo that she's not her mother, and she's not responsible for her. Dirty Hobo then gets real mad and says that if she knew she wasn't going to help her get "housing" then she wouldn't have stayed. The whole conversation is quite odd, and ends with Dirty Hobo storming out, all pissed, and Janice telling her never to come back. I'm sad about this, because what a great story this would have made.

Another great story (the producers manufactured) was a girl Peter found wondering around Hollywood and Highlands, right outside of Janice's office. I'm thinking she was camped out there because she saw the film crew. The producers hurry up and rounded up a few passerby and told us that was her family, but I'm not really buying it. The girl is cute, in that model ugly sorta way. They hurry up and take her pictures and you'd think Janice just found a pot of Botox on the street. She does photograph well.

... and this is actually a man!

As Janice hugs all her new models, we get a quick glimpse of Michelle from America's Next Top Model cycle 4. For those of you who watched it, she was the one who had that awful skin disease that made her head blister and peel. She's quite ugly as well, so she'll be a great model.

I like the show, and have added it to my season pass. Janice is fun to watch, kinda like a train wreck where a plane dropped out of the sky and crushed it.

BRITNEY SPEARS HAS DIARRHEA

Usually I'm not into gossip, at least not on this site anyway, but I have to talk a little about poor Britney Spears. I watched her interview with Matt Lauer last night and all I can say is, that poor stupid girl. I never thought I'd feel sorry for a super rich diva, but I do. When she cried about the paparazzi chasing her down, I cried a tear or two too.

The way things went down were like this. Matt showed up at her house and when he was coming through her huge security gate after a full body cavity search he came upon Kevin Federline in the front yard. Sure, he was suckin' down a Milwaukee Best in a beer cozy watering the front lawn with the hose, but he was there.

Matt went into Britney's house, with cameras off because she didn't want to give away the identity of where she lives, although she claims helicopters hover twice a day to get pictures of her dropping her kid again. Anyway, they set up the interview in what looks like the living room. Of course, by looking at the couch in the background I'm hoping this is the dog's room because it's just awful.

Now, I don't know who Brit's handlers are, but they must be really pissed at her for some reason, or not there, because she just looked awful. I won't go into the short denim mini skirt and trailer trash shoes. She hadn't washed her hair since the baby was born and her make-up was so wrong. Actually, the make up part wasn't horrible, but one of her fake eyelashes was threatening to fall off. How she didn't see or feel that I'll never know. The worst part, that confirmed that no one that cared about her was anywhere near this interview room was the gum chewing. All that leads me to believe that the poor girl has no one. No Joe Simpson to make sure her hair looks nice and she spit out her gum.

During the interview Matt tries to get some good juice, but in fear of Kevin and the rest of the back up dancer gang kicking his ass, he doesn't push too hard. Of course he asked her about the rumors that Kevin's living in the basement. As far as I know basements in California are fairly rare. She says no, that he's not living in the basement. He's living in the apartment over the garage. Not really, but that'd be funny. When Matt asks her to talk about their relationship she says that Kevin's just "simple". I'm assuming she means he's low maintenance and not stupid, but hey, she could mean that too.

The interview starts out well enough, even with the gum chewing, but as it progresses her accent gets thicker and thicker and she starts lying more and more. She has diarrhea of the mouth. I think she's trying to defend her life, and put on a strong, "I'm cool" front. Have you ever been talking to someone who intimidates you and you start making crap up? Like your boss, and he's telling you some story about his time in Napa Valley and for some reason you blurt out that your father owns a vineyard in France? He really doesn't, in fact, he's an alcoholic who's never been out of the country, but for some reason it sounds right to say. I think that's what happened with Britney. When she and Matt were strolling in her backyard, she mentions that she likes to clean. When Matt follows that statement up, wanting to hear about it, she's flustered, doesn't know what to say. She thought he'd just take her word on it and leave it at that. So then she realizes that people could find out if she has a maid and catch her in this horrible lie, so she admits that she does have a maid, but the bitch slacks a bit on her job. Because really, if you were cleaning Britney Spears house, wouldn't you sweep a few cigarette butts under the carpet? And now the lie is firmly in place and you have to make up more lies, saying how you love cleaning and when Matt asks you what someone would find you doing if they just walked into the house, you have to say cleaning. See, it starts with a small lie, to make yourself fit in, but then it escalates to where you're laughing to yourself hoping Matt Lauer never pops in unexpectedly and sees you're not exactly cleaning.

Matt then goes for it, and asks Brit about the possibility that Kevin may cheat on her, and leave her pregnant ass. He also asks her how she could go with him when he had a pregnant girlfriend. Come to find out, Britney's dumb. I mean we knew that, but people, she's really dumb. She tells us that she didn't know he had a pregnant girlfriend until they were together for a few months. Girl, WE knew he had a pregnant girlfriend, how come you didn't? And then she married the guy!

Really, how can you not feel just a little sorry for her?

Finally, Matt asked her what her life would be like if the pappies didn't follow her around. This is when my heart went out to the girl. She started crying, saying all she wants is her privacy. And look, I gotta back the sista up. She doesn't mind them taking pictures of her, even following her around a bit. The girl just doesn't like being chased around by these a**holes who are knocking on her car windows and hoping she does something dumb. I'm not saying she didn't ask for a little of this, but come on, she's just a white trash girl with a white trash husband trying to live her life. I say leave Britney alone.

LAST COMIC STUPID

USELESS!!!

I know I didn't mention this show in my previous article (http://primetimetvblog.blogspot.com/2006/06/summer-shows.html) but I had to say something about the episode that was on last night. The basic premise is like Idol. A bunch of comics audition, they cut the field down to forty, out of that forty they pick 10 to live in a house and out funny each other. Last week and last night the forty were split into two groups. Each set of twenty would perform and they'd choose five from each group to live in a the house. The first twenty were all pretty good, and I think they probably picked out the best. Last night though, something's seriously wrong with these producers.

They have three judges, the amazing Gary Marshall, the crazy Kathy Griffin and the funny and talented Tim Meadows (who's all over the place lately). They get to ask the comics questions, some of which we see, some we don't, and we're led to believe they at least have a say in who gets to go through. I mean honestly, who would I trust to pick the funniest person? Gary Marshall, the actor/director extraordinaire who brought us Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley? Or some twenty five year old producers who doesn't know shite about comedy?

Ty Barnett. He's funny.

The twenty that performed last night weren't that great. There were probably five or so that had me rolling, but the rest were either boring or just plain dumb. Luckily the one who was truly funny got the audience choice and automatically moved on, Gabriel Iglesias. Then, they chose this guy, Bill Dwyer. When he auditioned he was hilarious, but last night, not so funny. Some lady was heckling him from the upper balcony and he didn't respond to her. I think the best comedians can take whatever someone's saying and make it hilarious. He didn't do that. Well, they chose him to be in the house. Gary, Kathy and Tim didn't see his past performance, how'd they know he was funny because of that?

The worst though was this pregnant lady named Stella. She wasn't funny in auditions and from the way they edited it, she wasn't chosen. The best my roommate and I could figure out is that she was an alternate and was pulled up. Again, not sure why. Anyway, she was horrible last night and they chose her!!! She even looked surprised! What the hell?!? I wish I could find a picture of this dumb ho, but I can't.

After they called everyone, as I was yelling at the TV, host Anthony Clark (who I love but looks weird on the show) said that there was a twist. Uh oh, a Last Comic Standing twist, what ever could it be? They were choosing two extra comics out of that nights bunch. What?! If you were gonna do that, why not last week when most of them were actually good?! At least the guy I thought was the funniest next to Gabriel would be chosen. But no, they chose this woman Kristen, who was funny, and this midget chick who wasn't funny at all! Her punchline consisted of farting jokes. Now we all know farting jokes are funny, but not when it's some midget girl bending over pretending to take a dump. Not funny.

My thinking is that the show doesn't want to put the funniest comics in the house, they want to put who they think will be the best drama in the house. I hate this. Especially because this Stella ho is not funny at all and she's probably going to give birth while she's there. Her schtick is as an obnoxious New Yorker and her delivery is just awful. If she wasn't pregnant I'd want to punch her. Wait, no, I still want to punch her. A few really funny people got passed up so her annoying ass could be in the house and that infuriates me! I don't know why I'm surprised though. In the first season the same thing happened and Drew Carey and Brett Butler actually got up and left the room they were so pissed. At the time, Drew said, "It was like somebody at NBC cast the show ahead of the event in Vegas. And they had 1,100 in the audience (for the semifinals competition) who saw how blatantly it was cast. If this happened on 'Survivor' or any other reality TV show, it would be a major scandal."

The good news is in the preview for next week, Roz (who's funny) and Stella get into a fight. I hope she tells her how she's not funny at all.

CONVICTION (DON'T BOTHER)

Ever since about 1999 Dick Wolf's been out of touch with what makes up a good show. They keep giving him money to do it though. Yeah yeah, I know some people really like that dumbass Criminal Intent, but as much as I love Vincent D'Onofrio and of course Chris Noth (who will forever be Big to me) I just can't get into it. The original Law and Order and SVU are awesome. Trial by Jury I could have lived without watching (and I did) and now there's an hour of my life I won't get back after watching Conviction, his newest show.

See what I mean? Savage right?

Conviction stars some guy who's the poor man's version of Fred Savage, and that's not really saying a lot. I'm not going to go into great detail because I don't want to waste your time either. The nuts and bolts of it is Fred Savage is a rich kid who decides he wants to serve the people and not live a rich white bread East Hampton life. Geez, how noble. Of course his friends and the stupid socialite girl he's been pining over, and he eventually sleeps with, think he's crazy to give up Latte's and Aspen in the winter.

I'm too bored with this show to be funny

The problem in the show lies in the number of stories and people we follow. The thing I think that makes L&O work is you have one case, the cops investigate and then the lawyers try the case. Here we have about six different attorneys in the District Attorney's office and it's quite confusing who outranks who. Are they all Assistant District Attorneys? How do they divide cases up. Who report to who? They're just all over the place with that. Eric Balfour, who I've loved every since he played Milo on 24 (!!!), is just obnoxious and ridiculous. We know his character is a ladies man, since one of the ladies shows up because he left his DA's badge in her bed. How do you even do that unless you're playing cops and robbers or some dumb variation? But next we see him pining over his old girlfriend and being hurt when he finds out she has a boyfriend. Boo freakin' hoo.

Some other attorney is the cliché "newbie" trial lawyer who has her first case. It seems like she's botching the whole thing and has to get corrected in court by the bailiff who obviously knows more about courtroom law then she does. Is this supposed to reassure me that the plight of the people is being represented by morons? She even leaves the evidence in the courtroom while everyone is at lunch. And by evidence I mean the drugs! She freaks out when she can't find them but luckily the judge took it to show her a lesson. She ends up winning the case. Go figure.

The rookie, Savage, gets thrown into a case by the lead attorney (I guess) and helps out the cliché "tough girl" attorney who's obviously having an affair with someone. Is it the lead guy? Or is it the "hard nose" other lead guy? The case the rookie's working on is a bad ass gang leader who cut open this woman who was a drug runner of his because one of the bags she carried from Costa Rica or wherever burst open. Since she's over dosing on the drug he doesn't want to lose the rest of it. Who should I feel bad for here? Really? Anyway, the lawyers decide to go to dinner and Savage fields a call, from a "detective", asking where the lead guy's gonna be meeting everyone. Savage tells him and guess what happens? The DA is shot and killed. Savage puts it together later that it was his fault.

When they all meet at their local attorney bar later they toast to the guy who died and the "tough girl" tells the "rookie" that they're all betting how long he'll make it. She has him making it for awhile, unlike most people. She gets a phone call and leaves. She goes and hooks it up with the "hard nose" other lead guy who's now the head lead guy. Again I'm just assuming because NOTHING is explained. I'm a savvy television watcher, I get stuff that's not quite straight forward and just assumed, but not this.

I know that's all confusing but it was confusing, and stupid. If you really want to watch it, go for it, but from someone who lives on crime dramas, don't waste your time. There's a much better show on Friday nights called In Justice.

VERIZON'S A BUNCH OF MOTHERF*****S

Okay, so I know that's harsh, but they really deserve it. And I also know that this is solely an entertainment TV, sometimes movie, blog but it's my damn blog so I'll talk about whatever I want. And today I want to talk about the patronizing, deaf bastards at Verizon. Hopefully this will help convince someone to either not buy a Verizon cell phone plan or beat up the next Verizon representative they see.

I woke up yesterday morning phoneless. Every time I tried to turn my phone on it would immediately turn off. I opened the back and checked the battery, even though I had no idea what I was looking for. Everything looked fine. I mean, I gueses it did. Nothing was seeping out or gooey or anything like that. Luckily I'm not one of those people who live by their phone and one day without having it wasn't too bad. Last night I took it to the store where they told me it was water damaged. How, you may ask, did they know it was water damage? Because there is a small dot on the inside of the phone that turns red. Seeing that the phone hasn't touched any water, I was curious as to how it turned red. The biatch told me that it was because I dropped it in water. I told her that this phone lives in my purse, on my dresser, or in my hand, and that there is no way it was dropped in water...

Her:

I'm sorry, the dot is red, that means there's water damage.

Me:

But I didn't drop it any water.

Her:

The dot is red.

Me:

Take the phone apart and look at it, there is no water damage to this phone.

Her:

But the dot's red.

Me:

So you're telling me that last night, after I went to bed, someone snuck into my room and dropped some water in it?

Her:

I guess so.

Me:

What am I supposed to do then?

Her:

Buy another phone.

Me:

How much is that?

Her:

Well, since you don't have insurance, and water damage voids the warranty, $400.

Me:

But there's no water damage.

Her:

The dot's red.

I almost threw my phone at her, but didn't want to get arrested. I tried yoga breathing, and that helped a little. When I got back to my apartment I decided to call customer service. Surprisingly I wasn't on hold for three hours. I explained to the lady about what happened and she said that it sounds like my phone has water damage.

Her:

Sounds like your phone has water damage.

Me:

Yeah, well, it doesn't.

Her:

The dot's red.

Me:

And the dot's never wrong?

Her:

No.

Me:

Well it's wrong this time because there's no water damage.

Her:

Sounds like the battery has water damager, that's what the red dot means.

Me:

So if the battery is damaged, I can just get another battery.

Her:

You could, but if it's water damage, it could have seeped into the phone.

Me:

Are you even hearing me, it's not water damage.

Her:

But the dot's red.

Me:

What about this morning when I took the battery out? The moisture from my hand could have done it.

Her:

Maybe, but I doubt it. Could have been humidity.

Me:

But I live in California, it's a desert.

And I didn't say, but should have, that I'm also black. What does this have to do with it? Because if I even look at water my hair puffs out like Buckwheat. If there was humidity in my apartment I would know about it.

I don't appreciate being called a liar, and that's what Verizon was doing. So, imagine my surprise when last night I decided to plug my phone in, just on the off chance my battery wasn't charged. Guess what? It worked! The battery wasn't charged and that was the problem. Seems the LCD was on the entire night before because I had my hands free plugged in and it drained the battery. It has nothing to do with water damage. And guess what??? The red dot was wrong, bitch. If I had a d*** this is where I would tell Verizon to suck it. Okay, that wasn't nice. But really, they can kiss my ass.

MY DVR SUCKS

So this morning I woke up because I was so excited to watch In Justice today. Okay, so I didn't wake up for that sole reason. The jackass above me was blasting his stupid music at 8:30 and that woke me up. Anyway, later that day I had my Gatorade and some chips, and had gotten real comfy in my big comfy chair. Imagine my surprise when I pushed play on my DVR and there was only 1 second recorded! I'm sure it'll repeat at some point, but until then, I missed it! I'm so pissed! I bet it was a good episode because all of them are good. Sorry I won't have the recap this week for it but I'll be back next week to tell you about how good this show is.