I think I've been prolonging writing these recaps because it brings me joy to think back to the show and I relive it as I tell it to you. And we won't see Jack or Chloe, or even that dumbass President until next year, '07 folks. How frakked up is that? On a personal note, last weekend I saw our dear old Jack Bauer driving on Santa Monica Blvd. in a gun metal grey 2006 or 2007 Range Rover. How hot is that? My roommate and I wanted to yell, "Hey Jack Bauer" but with his reputation of being a bad ass I didn't want to risk it. Plus, we had just come from the gym and I didn't want my first impression to be a sweaty mess.
Last we left the love of my life, they were preparing to let the Attorney General hear the incriminating tape of Logan and Henderson. Miles and his weasel self walked in on Chloe and somehow erased the file from the recorder. Thankfully they decide to listen to the tape beforehand, just to make sure everything's okay. Well, when Chloe starts it Jack immediately realizes the tape is blank. He fumes at Chloe, wondering what happened. Even though the Attorney General's waiting on the phone, with lovely on hold music I'm sure(The Girl From Ipanema, instrumental), they don't have anything for him to listen to. Chloe says that she's had the tape the whole time, but then remembers that Miles came in, saying Karen asked him to. Of course that's not true so Jack storms out of the office in a blind rage. He knocks out an incoming security guard and grabs Miles by the throat. Snap his neck Jack. SNAP. IT! Jack has more restraint then I would have.
Get 'em Jack
Karen realizes he's packing his desk up. He says he's been transferred. Wow, I really wish our government actually worked this efficiently. It's four AM and his transfers orders already came through. Jack walks away in disgust, knowing he's going to the White House.
Chloe goes off to see if there's any way to repair the tape and Logan calls. He has a shite eating grin on his face when he asks Karen about the call she scheduled with the Attorney General. Of course she doesn't say what the call was about, just that it's no longer happening. He says that he's rescinding the arrest warrant on Jack. She wonders why and he says because he already got the tape, he didn't need Jack. Actually, he doesn't say that, he says that the evidence he supposedly has is just flimsy, and not good enough. I bet Martha says that too. BAM! She wonders if she needs to still hold Jack, but Logan says she can do what she wants with him. Uh oh, I know what I'd do. After she hangs up, Jack figures out that not only did Logan let him go because he got what he wants, but that he's now been exposed, and he has no protection anymore from the Chinese. Oh yeah, that's right. I keep forgetting about the Chinese.
Now they learn that Bierko got away from the transport. Luckily one guy survived. He must have played possum under another dead guy. They get the guy on the phone and I think he looks like the guy from the last season who's face was exposed and who the Chinese took hostage and made tell them about Jack. Maybe it's not him. Anyway, he overheard them talking about another canister of the nerve gas. This was news to them since they figured all of them were destroyed at the plant. Karen decides that finding Bierko should be their number one priority. Good thing too because Bierko arrives at his hide out and his cohort shows him the last canister.
We finally get to see what the first lady's doing. She's playing around with her crazy pills. She puts a bunch of them on her mouth and they stick there. Instead of swallowing the pills, she throws them across the room. She sulks for a bit, but then notices Aaron's cell phone on the mantel. She takes it to one of the agents nearby and asks him to send to the Aaron in Washington, where she was told he was transferred at midnight. Of course he's not in Washington, I'm worried he may be dead.
Thankfully, he's not. Unfortunately, he's not doing too well. He's beaten up and handcuffed in one of the stables. Logan comes in and feigns like he's surprised at Aaron's condition. Agent Adams is also there, and I think he's the one who did this to poor sweet Aaron. Logan explains that Aaron was told about some recording, a recording that doesn't exist anymore, wink wink. Aaron doesn't want any part of that, and calls Logan a traitor. I get it that he's an honorable guy, but I don't want him to be a dead guy. Can't he just fib his way through? At least until he's uncuffed. Logan realizes Aaron is a problem and silently agrees to kill him.
"I just realized I was a tool"
Logan takes the time to call Graham to tell him what's going on. Of course Graham's a little surprised to hear from him, you know, since the last he knew Logan was putting a gun in his mouth. Logan tells him about the evidence being destroyed, Martha cooperating and Aaron being taken care of. Graham also confirms that the plans for Jack are already in motion. Hhhmm. I wonder what those are. Graham's impressed and Logan spots Mike and hangs up with Graham. Mike comes up to him and gives him the news that Bierko has escaped and is most likely going to use the remaining canister to do something real real bad.
Chloe searches satellite footage for Bierko and can't seem to find it. Bill and Karen think the only option they have is using Christopher Henderson. Jack doesn't like the idea, but it seems to be their only one, so they have to do it. Jack goes to Henderson and says that for information leading to Bierko, they'll grant him immunity. Luckily, even if Henderson's let go, he won't be safe, the tape was his only safety net and now it's gone. He wants him and his wife to be able to go underground, disappear like Jack did. Oh, now he cares about his wife? Earlier he let Jack shoot her in the leg. Jack agrees and Henderson tells him to give his word because his word is his bond. That's true. Henderson then supplies him with a bunch of names that could be involved and Jack has Chloe check them out.
Audrey's in the same boat I am, she doesn't like the idea of Bierko helping them out. Chloe finds a guy, Victor Malina, that she thinks is connected to all of this. In fact, he got a call from a payphone in Van Nuys. Seriously, what's this obsession with Van Nuys? Henderson doesn't think this will work, going in there and trying to get him to roll. He thinks he can go in and talk to him and get the information they need. Of course Jack doesn't trust him, but with no other option, Karen and Bill insist they do it, with Jack there.
I've never been happier to see someone outside smoking then I am now seeing Martha standing outside doing it. In fact, while she's out there, she sees a car pull into the stables. You know, where they're holding Aaron!! She's curious, and goes in, just as Adams is loading Aaron into his car. Aaron fights back and luckily Martha's able to get Adams' gun and shoot and kill him. Nicely done Marty.
He really needs some hair plugs
Meanwhile, Curtis is driving Jack and Henderson to Malina's place. Henderson won't wear a wire, that bastard, so Jack gives him ten minutes or else he's going in there after them both. Henderson gets into the highly secured building, let in by Malina. Because Jack is utterly suspicious, he goes up into the roof and decides to listen in from one of the conveniently placed windows. When Henderson gets in, he tells Malina to secure his files on a system because there's a CTU unit outside coming to get him. Jack's pissed and radios for Curtis to move in. Malina is busy crashing his system when the team comes in. Curtis is hit in the shoulder, but looks to be okay, and Jack's able to take Malina out. He yells at Henderson that he double crossed him. Of course, Henderson tells him that it was all in his plan, that the guy was dropping the firewall on his system to trash everything, and if he had more time, then they could have gotten the unencrypted files off. Um, why didn't you say that in the first place Robocop!? Jack sends Chloe the files in hopes to decode them.
In the stables, Aaron tells Martha what's going on, you know, her husband trying to KILL him! She knows about the plot and can't keep quiet any longer. Aaron says Logan has to believe he's dead, and wants her to go inside and get Mike.
With Chloe's help they figure out from Malina's computer that a Russian sub is being inspected by the Navy, because of Logan's treaty. Henderson confirms that there's a sub docked in Van Nuys, no not Van Nuys, probably San Pedro, that has non nuclear warheads. Jack tells Audrey to use her DOD connections and get him on the phone with the head sub officer. He also orders Henderson to come with him since he knows the weapons. They get on a helicopter. Once on, Audrey connects Jack to on of the sub guys, but it's too late, Bierko is there. Jack hears it and tells Audrey to warn DOD.
Beirko then drops the Sentox gas canister down the hatch and lets it work its magic. The crew collapses in what we now know is a violent and nasty death.
See what I mean about the girlie thing?
Jack wants to go in, but Henderson won't go unless Jack gives him a gun. Reasonable request, but I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. And that's not very far. Jack finally gets in touch with the one guy who survived inside the sub. He's a cute little petty officer who looks like a little girl. I'm thinking as soon as they get in this poor kid is dead. He tells Jack his location, right near one of the openings. Unfortunately there's a guard there and Jack says that the officer, there's no point in telling you his name because I'm sure he'll be dead soon, says that he's just an engineer, he can't kill him. Didn't he go through boot camp or something? Jack explains the deal and that this douche is part of the crew that killed all of his fellow crewman. The officer sees one of his guys, dead on the floor, and gets pissed. Yes, I love it when people get pissed and want to kill someone and there's someone there who just happens to need to get killed. Jack finally gives Henderson a gun and they move in.
Mike goes to Logan and tells him about Beirko and the missiles on the sub. I'm sure Logan says something stupid, I just don't remember it. Martha's watching from the hall and calls Aaron to tell him not to move the body until she talks to Mike. This was Aaron's idea, he knows what he's doing.
The wrong way to slit a throat
Jack knows it's less then ten minutes before the missiles launch and wonders how long it'll take Henderson to deactivate it when they get there. Just about that long. The officer's made it to the guy and Jack tells him how to slit someone's throat. Grab him from behind, cover his mouth, then slit it. Oh Jack, talk dirty to me. He does it and Jack and the team run on the top of the sub, shooting the one guard. Just then the missile doors open, preparing to launch. They go inside and meet up with the officer, who shows them where the control room is. Jack tells him to go to the other side and make a distraction, allowing most of the guards to leave the control room so Jack and the others can take it.
The right way to slit a throat
The officer goes around and pushes over a cart. Beirko and a few guys leave the control room to see what it is. Bad ass Jack sneaks his way to front of the control room and crouches down in front of a panel where a guard is pacing near. He has Henderson give him a signal when the guy is right over him. He signals and Jack hops up and stabs the dude in the throat. BAD ASS!
Jack's magic legs
Henderson goes to work on shutting down the launch as Jack goes for Bierko. He and his men fight a bit, Jack doing some bad ass moves like putting a guy's face to a hot pipe. He grabs on to another pipe and grabs Beirko around the neck with his short little legs. He twists and breaks his neck, just as Henderson disarms the missiles. Everyone at CTU is happy and Karen calls off the pointless fighter jets. Jack's not so happy because he can't find Henderson.
Ha! Ha! Fooled you!
Jack runs after him and finds him on the deck, with a gun pointed at him. Henderson calls Jack's bluff, that he wouldn't have let him go. He then pulls the trigger, but it clicks. Hahah, Jack gave him an empty gun. Well played Bauer. Well played. Jack's pissed. This guy killed, Palmer, Michelle, and TONY!!!! Yes, we saw him directly kill Tony too! He does what I would do, he shoots Henderson, dead. Our petty officer is alive, and he just saw Jack kill Henderson in cold blood. Look, he doesn't know all the facts. Jack tells CTU he killed Henderson in self defense and drives off in one of the transports that just arrived. He claims he's coming in, but tells Chloe on a secure channel that he's going after Logan himself. He drives towards the retreat.
Logan is happy everything worked out with the missiles. He also tells Mike that he wants to say a few words at the ceremony at the airport to take Palmer's casket back to Washington. Mike leaves to write the speech. Martha catches up to him and tells him to follow her, once she realizes he's upset too at everything Logan's done. Logan calls Graham and tells him what's up and that Jack will be taken care of.
Aww
In the stables, Mike shows up and Aaron and Martha explain to him everything that's happened. He finally begins to put two and two together and realizes what a bad bad man Logan is. He wants to drive Aaron away from the retreat, which I think is a great idea. Aaron and Martha have a sweet goodbye. Outside of the retreat, Aaron and Mike are dumping Adams dead body in the woods. Jack calls and says he's on his way to the retreat, he'll be there in twenty minutes. He needs Mike to stall Logan, who's about to go to the ceremony for Palmer at the airport.
At CTU, Karen tells Bill that she has to go to Washington, that the White House has requested her. Chloe comes to her and wants Karen to give a new employee high clearance. He's a tech specialist named Morris, and he's also Chloe's husband. Whu whu whu?! Nice. I like this Morris guy already. She tells him she needs him to do a digital audio transfer. I have no idea what that means.
Mike goes to Martha and tells her about Aaron being safe (in the woods?) and how Jack needs Logan to confess. He also needs Martha to keep Logan here for awhile. Wink wink. Jack finally arrives at the retreat, less then fifteen minutes after he told them twenty, but I won't be nit picky. Aaron's there and tells Jack that Logan will be riding on the Navy helicopter to the airport for Palmer's ceremony. Jack wants Aaron to get him on that chopper.
Martha finds Logan and apologizes to him for being a bitch earlier. All this killing he's doing brings out the worst in her. She says she still loves him and although he's preparing to leave, she puts the moves on him. He calls and tells his people not to interrupt them, that he needs some time with his wife. They start kissing and I excuse myself to go puke.
Yes, because the other pilot won't think you're crazy for wearing the "sun" visor in the middle of the night
Jack and Aaron make it to the empty Secret Service building near the helicopter. They find out that Martha's worked her magic and the take off is delayed. Aaron's wondering how far Jack's willing to take this, and he confesses "As far as I have to". BAD ASS!
The next we see of Logan and Martha, they've done the deed. Okay, how bad is this? They started it at 5:53am and now it's 6am. Hahahahaha!!! Poor Martha. They figure out a way for the real co-pilot of the helicopter to be pulled, some sort of paper work, and are able to get the right paperwork for Jack to take over. Gotta love fax machines. Martha calls Mike and tells him that she delayed Logan as long as she could. Really? 7 minutes is as long as you could have delayed him? That's just sad. The co-pilot goes into the Secret Service building to see what's going on with his paperwork. Jack knocks him out and takes his clothes........ sorry, I had a visual. It was nice. Jack goes to the helicopter and get on, with the newly acquired paperwork.
Logan arrives at the chopper with Martha, who Mike tells to make an excuse not to board. She says some bullshite about him exiting the chopper by himself. He agrees because he's a narcissist and gets on board and it takes off. Once it takes off, Jack pulls a gun on the pilot and disables his comm system. He goes back to Logan and stun guns the two Secret Service agents around him and handcuffs a shocked Logan. Karma baby, karma.
Chloe instructs them where to land and Jack won't answer Logan's questions. Chloe then lets Morris know where to go, and tells him to give whatever it is he has to Jack when he gets there. They land the chopper and Jack stun guns the pilot. Logan tries to explain and bribe Jack, but Jack's not having it. He takes everything out of Logan's pockets and cuffs him to a pole. Morris pulls up and goes into the building, handing over the briefcase and is shocked to see Logan. He follows Jack's orders though and leaves. Jack and Chloe talk about having less then ten minutes until the response team is there. There's no way Jack can get a confession. I mean, he's good, but ten minutes?!
It's like an intervention
Jack tries to question Logan, who's being tight lipped about it. He doesn't seem to be trying too hard, bringing up everything he thinks/knows Logan did. Jack threatens to kill him, but Logan pretty much calls his bluff. Jack points out that it was Logan who made him go undercover last year, because of the Chinese and that he's responsible for a lot of people he cares about's deaths. Now he has nothing to lose. Still true. He points the gun and starts to count to three, Logan doesn't seem to care as much, thinking he'll just be a martyr. Jack gets to three but then whimps out. Logan's relieved just as a TAC team comes in and Jack surrenders. Logan takes all of the things on the table that Jack took out of his pocket. Wallet, lighter, PEN, condom, 1985 Reggie Jackson rookie card. Yeah, I have no idea. But he definitely put back a wallet and PEN. Chloe types a few things into her computer, and then quickly closes it. PEN!!!!
The helicopter lands and Mike, who's with Martha, tells her that Jack wasn't able to get the confession. She winces. When Logan approaches, as Palmer's casket (RIP) is being ceremonially taken out of the hearse, Martha starts flipping out, crying and what not. Oh, and it's light out by now, which is nice. Logan tries to comforter her but she starts accusing him of being a murderer. Logan has her taken into a nearby hanger as she yells that he isn't fit to be President.
Once in the hanger he tries to slap some sense into her crazy ass. Then he frisks her for a wire, even emptying her purse and doesn't find anything. PEN!!!!! Logan realizes she delayed him taking off earlier so Jack could get into the chopper. He wants to know why she did it and she explains, again, what an ass he is for having all of these people killed. He says he did it for the country. He then tells her that if she doesn't keep her crazy trap shut, that he'll have her pumped full of drugs and shipped to a mental facility in Greenland or something. He's ugly when he's angry.
After their little chat, Logan and Martha come out of the hanger and go to the podium. He starts his speech and talks about how cool they are for getting the terrorists the day before. At CTU, Chloe tells Karen and Bill that she set up a conference call, again, with the Attorney General. They're shocked, but she tells them about the listening device Jack planted on Logan. PEN PEN PEN!!!! Chloe plays the recording, its of the conversation that just went down in the hanger. HA! BAD ASS! They realize Logan admits to the terrorist plot and being responsible for Palmer's death.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
As Logan speaks to the audience, one of the cop like people gets a call from the Attorney General. The guy looks confused, but then agrees to carry out the order. Logan notices all the hubbub as he speaks. The Secret Service approach him as he ends his speech. One of them whispers something into Logan's ear and he doesn't look too good. The guy takes the pen out of his pocket and shows him the transmitter planted inside. Logan looks over to Martha and Mike, knowing they set him up. Martha gives him a little grin. BAD ASS! He's escorted away as Palmer gets a 21 gun salute and the casket is loaded onto the plane.
This picture has no significance, I just thought it was pretty
Back at the warehouse, Jack and Audrey are reunited. I guess since they realized he was trying to set up Logan, and it worked, he was let go. They have a moment of closeness, when an agent tells Jack he has a call from Kim, inside the building. How'd she get that number? Why didn't she call his cell? He tells Audrey to wait for him outside, and goes into the building.
This picture looks fake
At CTU, Karen tells Bill she thinks Logan will cut a deal. Probably. Bill thinks since the VP is now going to be President, that he'll be fired. She assures him that she'll make sure he's running CTU. She also apologized for being a stupid bitch earlier in the day. He's cool with it, in fact, he wants to have breakfast with her. She can't because of a briefing, but she wants a rain check. Hook it up. After Karen leaves, Bill tells Chloe what a good job she did, and gives her something found in Edgar's belongings. Was he going through them? That's rude. It's a picture of the two of them. She starts to tear up, and then Morris comes in and comforts her. I like this guy.
Audrey's starting to worry about Jack. It's been 6 minutes! She goes into the warehouse and doesn't find him. She gets worried and is on the ball, going outside and telling the agents that Jack's now missing. He can't be too far, it's only been 6 MINUTES! I don't know why she doesn't think he just went underground again.
Unfortunately, it's been long enough for Jack to have been dragged into a room. He's all beat up and not looking too good. The guys remove their mask and they're Asian. I'm assuming Chinese. Then, the guy from the Consulate, Cheng, who was demanding Jack's head last season, shows his face. He tells him that China has a long memory, sorta like an elephant. Jack finds it hard to talk, and wants to make one phone call, which they brush off. Then Jack just wants them to kill him, but Cheng tells him that he's too valuable. They pull back to reveal that they're all on a some sort of boat, on their way to China. How the hell did they get there in less then ten minutes!? Our poor Jack!
All in all, I thought this was a good an exciting season. I love that it's on every single Monday, straight through the whole season. DO YOU HEAR ME LOST EXCECUTIVES????? What's going to happen to our dear Jack? Can I stand a season without Tony?!? And will Audrey finally be able to move her mouth when she talks?!
So Mei is pregnant, woohoo. Carlos is acting like she's the second coming, even giving up their bed to her so she's closer to the bathroom for her morning sickness. Morning sickness the day after implantation. Did we just cross over to Days of Our Lives land? Anyway, Mei is being a bit bratty, she doesn't like Gabby's perfume, everything makes her sick, blah blah blah. Gabby's pissed, rightfully so, since it's still her baby Mei is carrying. At a tennis practice, during a break, Gabby sees on the news, and gets a call, that someone picking up litter on the side of the road, fitting Carlos' description, was hit and killed. Gabby flips out, eventually making it to her house. She's in the driveway, balling, when Mei comes out, buttoning up her little outfit. Uh oh. Gabby says that Carlos is dead, and Mei tells her not to kill him. Huh? He's not dead, he's in the kitchen. She's happy to see Carlos, who tells her that he got some poor guy to do his community service for him. Why is he sweaty though? He was running on the treadmill. With no shoes? Uh oh again. Eventually, Gabby puts two and two together and thinks maybe Carlos is hookin' it up with Mei. She plants baby monitors around the house and tries to listen in. Unfortunately, she doesn't hear anything, until she goes over to Lynette's house. Apparently her baby monitor sometimes picks up other ones. How convenient. Gabby hears Carlos telling Mei what a great kisser she is. I was really hoping this was Carlos setting Gabby up because he would never cheat on her, but alas it's not. He's cheating on her alright. She pulls Mei into this house and locks Carlos out, throwing clothes at him over the balcony. Man, their house has been the place for drama lately. Carlos tells her that she told him to do it. Well, that is true. But Gabby points out that she meant for him to go out and have meaningless sex, not sex with the woman carrying their child. Point taken. She tells him to get a lease, that they are through. Mei wonders if she should leave, but Gabby points out that she's carrying her child, so she owns her for the next nine months. Ouch.
Lynette's having some issues too. Another late night at work, for her. Ed has her at work late every night because he's a dick. Oh, also, he has problems at home and isn't a mature adult so he needs a practical stranger's help to get along better with his wife. I hate Ed. In the wacky Lynette way, she tries to help Ed out by performing IM sex for him with his wife. The next day Ed comes in and the plan has backfired. He felt too embarrassed to tell his wife it was Lynette doing the talking, and too stupid to actually read what Lynette wrote the night before, so he told his wife it was Tom who wrote all of that. I don't know why that would be better. I would think it'd be hotter if it was Lynette. Anyway, because his wife is a raging bitch, she's going to make Ed fire Tom. Lynette informs him that he can't fire Tom, that Tom's under contract. Ed's determined to find something in Tom's work that causes him to warrant being fired.
When Lynette warns Tom, he's furious, but come on, you know who you're married to. You're working with her, something like this was bound to happen sooner rather then later. Lynette then tells Tom to be on his best behavior from now on. He can't do that though, when he learns there's an audit happening on all his travel expenses. He goes into Ed's office and hits him, allowing Ed to fire him. Later, Lynette goes and tries to be all high and mighty to Ed, who informs her that Tom not only went to Atlantic City on a bunch of occasions, but he bought flowers and show tickets. Uh oh. Busted! But wait, why the hell would you try and expense that stuff? Especially when Lynette works at the SAME company! She tries to get him to confess, but he doesn't. Then, suddenly, he has to go to Atlantic City for something, even though he doesn't have a job. Oh wait, it was because one of their friends had a lead on a job. In Atlantic City?? Oh great. She tries to confront him, and he gives great excuses, which she believes, until the card he gave her to prove to her he wasn't having an affair, he pockets so she can't call the person.
With Mrs. McCluskey's help, Lynette does what any rational woman would do, she flies 3000 miles to find out what's going on. She sees more then she's bargained for, Tom going to some other woman's house. We can't see her face but she's in a slinky back dress, they have glasses of wine, and walk upstairs. Oh hell no! When Tom comes home from Atlantic City, Lynette is gone and no one will tell him where she is, with the kids. She's at some dump hotel as the kids swim in the pool. Because her kids are assholes, one of them jumps off the upper landing trying to get into the pool but misses. HA-HA!. Tom rushes to the hospital. The kid's okay, besides being a total moron. He and Lynette finally get to talk and he admits that he has been lying. In fact, before they were together he had a one night stand which produced a daughter. She's eleven now and he just found out about her. He's been going to see her. And expensing it!? That's just so wrong. Lynette's pissed, but accepts it, since there's nothing else she can do.
In flashback scenes that pepper the finale, right after Lynette gives birth to Penny, Tom's talking about more kids. He's such a bastard sometimes. He obviously wants and loves children. (that's not why he's a bastard) But mostly because he wasn't the one taking care of them though. Lynette agrees to meet the daughter, Kayla, and the mother, Nora. Well, the mother shows up without Kayla and she's one crazy bitch. From the beginning I'm hoping Lynette punches this bitch's face in. She basically wants to blackmail them into giving her money. She's very white trash, which really has me wondering if this was the woman we saw with Tom in Atlantic City. Their relationship is civilized, but Tom was all smiley with his wine, walking upstairs. This show is all over the map. Lynette's not having it though, and doesn't let this bitch push her around. The money this woman is asking for will bankrupt them, and I find it hard to believe, even if Tom knew about the kid, which he didn't, if the court would take so much money away from Tom, his wife, and his other four kids, to bankrupt them. I highly doubt it. Anyway, they end up draining their savings and giving the bitch $30K. She informs them later that she put it as a down payment for a house in Fairview. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am not looking forward to seeing this stupid bitch next season, unless Lynette's kicking her ass.
On to Skeletor and her dumb ass. I'm sorry, I'm being harsh today, but this show really irritates me. Anyway, since Susan slept with Karl, she's feeling guilty. In fact, Karl officially left Edie. All the women were trying to console her, calling this nameless woman (Susan) a whore and what not. At some sort of Hooters knock off restaurant, Edie got into a fight with the waitress she thought Karl was cheating with and Susan jumped on the pile of woman to help her out. How this would help her, I'm not sure. I mean there were already plenty of rib and thigh bones hanging around. BAM! Susan then found out that Edie hired a private investigator to suss out the whore. Mike caught wind of it and paid the guy off not to tell Edie.
Susan decided that she was going to come clean with Edie. She wrote her a note, but then changed her mind. Unfortunately, when she went to steal in back from the mailman, who she invited in for tea, she took it out of his bag and slipped in back into her own mail pile. When Julie, who's still a little bitch, came in, she sorted through the mail and put Edie's letter back into the mailman's bag.
Edie got the letter and flipped out. She went over to Susan's house while she was at Mike's and burned it to the ground. Everyone came over to help her clean up the mess, including Kyle, the dentist, who Susan has a mini-friendship with. Then there's Edie, who's standing on the side, not helping, eating an ice cream. Oh, she's a crazy bitch. In fact, when Susan asks her about it, she admits to it. Susan's one to talk, she burnt down Edie's house too. Edie's obviously a vindictive bitch, but at least she's consistent. Susan insists on getting a wire put on her from Mike, and when she goes over to Edie's house again, she thrusts her boobs in the woman's face and practically screams, "I'M BUGGED, PLEASE CONFESS SO I CAN HAVE YOU ARRESTED". Idiot! Edie might be a ho, but she's a smart ho, and figures it out. She chases Susan down the street and they eventually fall onto the ground, next to a bee hive. Edie must be wearing some sort of bee perfume, because as Susan stands there, the bees attack her. Later, Susan visits her in the hospital where she looks pretty damn bad, and wants to bury the hatchet. Edie's not having it though, and basically tells her it's "on like Donkey Kong". She also lays it out for her that she can't take care of herself, and has all these men fawning over her and taking care of her. I only halfway agree with that statement, but I know where she's going with that.
Once back at her place, Mike offers to let her and Julie stay with him, instead of at Bree's, but she's the new and improved Susan, she doesn't need anyone else. In fact, to make life easier for the two of them, Susan buys an RV. The ugliest RV that looks straight out of National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. Haha, I loved that movie. "Sh*tters full!" Mike actually likes this new Susan, and so does Karl. Uh oh. In fact, while Susan and Mike are sitting outside of the RV, Karl shows up and they nearly piss on her trying to mark territory. Later, Karl sees Mike go into a jewelry store and busts him for buying Susan a ring. Whu whu whu??? When the hell did he fall back in love with her? Enough in love with her to marry her? Wow, this show is great and consistent and explanatory too.
Back in Susan's house on wheels, Karl wakes Julie and Susan up by driving off with their house. He takes them to another house which he claims he just bought for them. He says he's not going to live there, but Susan doesn't like the idea. Kinda goes against that whole independent thing. But, Julie loves it so Susan decides to move in. I didn't realize Karl was this rich to just buy a house for someone. There HAS to be a catch. It's Karl!!! Back at Susan's she and Karl are loading boxes into his car. Why they aren't loading them into the rolling house I don't know. Let's assume most of the boxes are in there. Wait, we can't assume with this brain surgeon. Mike goes over to find out what the deal is and since Susan gave him that big speech about being independent, she's embarrassed at what went down. Karl tells him though and Mike thinks this was all because he saw him buying a ring. Speaking of buying things, I don't get this whole "everybody loves Susan" thing. I think I'm agreeing with Edie on this. Susan hears the ring exchange, but her questions are drowned out by the guys fighting.
While they were fighting, Karl chipped one of Mike's teeth. Susan suggested he go see Orson, aka, Kyle. Kyle commented that he must have been in prison, since he has prison issue fillings or something. Mike thinks it's interesting that he knows this. Kyle says that he helped inmates out, while in dental school in some state I forget. Mike notices that the certification on his wall says it's from some state he didn't mention. Kyle covers and says he's certified in many states. And then, instead of shutting the hell up, Mike thinks he recognizes Kyle. I'm thinking Mike should shut the frak up. He's about to have his teeth drilled by this guy and he's giving him the third degree. He already knows Susan's not into him, what does he care? This is the genius of this show. And by genius I mean stupidity.
For some reason, Susan and Julie are still in the RV later. Nevermind they have a house to move into. Susan's put a note on Mike's doorstep. She's decided to propose to him herself. When she told the girls they were supportive, except for Gabby who didn't understand loving a man like that. Anyway, Mike got the note and read that she wanted to meet him up at the lake for a romantic dinner. He saw her looking at him and gave her a smiley head nod. She was all happy. What happened with these two in a minute.
The best storyline of the entire show, as I've been saying for months, is Bree. Last we left this crazy red head, she had just manipulated her father and step-mother into basically disowning Andrew. She and Andrew made peace, she even started trying to get along with his boyfriend. Speaking of boyfriends, Peter, hers, is still in Sex Addicts Anonymous. In fact, just as they're getting close, his sponsor, Claude, breaks it up. Since Bree's not one to take things lying down, when she visits Claude and he doesn't back down in keeping Bree and Peter apart, she gets him busted for cocaine possession. He didn't exactly have it, one of his sponsorees gave it to him so he wouldn't use it. It's kinda messed up she did that, since it was a lot of cocaine and he'll probably get a big sentence, but I get her point, she's trying to get some.
Peter's hurt that Claude did this, but Bree comforts him and says that she'll be his sponsor. He's weary of that, since she doesn't know the extent of his sex addiction. He has her come to this disgusting sex party to show her what he used to do and what she might need to get him out of. She's okay with it because she truly cares about him. She even invites him over to dinner with the kids. While they're on the phone talking about not bringing up the sex addict thing, Andrew overhears this from the extension he picked up. He then convinces Danielle to join his crazy plan. He makes Danielle wear a skimpy inappropriate outfit to the dinner, to which Peter can't take his eyes off. Wait, is he also a pedophile? I'm confused. Then, at the table, Danielle ends up caressing Peter's leg, which, surprise, surprise, makes him jump up and run out.
A few days later, he comes back and Bree's not there. Andrew is though and Peter apologizes for running out. He says he did a lot of bad stuff before and Andrew brings up the sex addict thing. Peter admits that he slept with a lot of "people". This intrigues Andrew who realizes it wasn't just women Peter was attracted too. Crazy mind working overtime. Of course, Bree comes home and finds Andrew in her bed and Peter coming out of the bathroom. Bree of course is pissed and angry, and all of that. There are so many things about this I have a problem with. One being Peter's carefree expression when he's coming out of the bathroom. Two, why oh why would they do it in the house, and more so, why would they do it in HER bed!?! STOOPID!
Bree's come to her breaking point. She decides to drive Andrew to the college he's looking at, much to his surprise. Unfortunately, looking at the college isn't her true goal. She pulls over on the side of the road at a gas station and gets out, pulling a bag out of the trunk. She tells him that she packed some of his stuff, and put some money in there that should hold him off until he's able to get a job. He begs her not to leave him there and she says that she's not strong enough to be around him anymore, and quite frankly, I don't blame her. She looks like crap and it seems he's sucked the life right out of her. Before she goes he tells her that he knew this would happen, that as soon as he told her he was gay, he saw the look in her eyes and knew that one day she would stop loving him. And that now he wins. She just looks at him and says, "Well, good for you," and leaves him standing there. Damn. This was such a great scene with these two, I was feeling so bad for the both of them, even him.
So she was left with Danielle. That's encouraging. Danielle who's still sneaking around with Matthew. Speaking of the Applewhites, they've finally made a reappearance. In fact, we get to see the whole Melanie Foster flashback. Matthew's breaking up with her, and being the slutty little ho that he seems to be attracted to, she wants him to meet her in the train yard later that night to finish him off or whatever. She shows up to the train yard and who shows up, but Caleb, who was listening into their conversation. He wants to hug her, but she calls him a freak, and everything someone shouldn't do to a big strong man in a dark train yard in the middle of the night. These people really need to learn when to shut the hell up. He ends up hitting her in the head. He gets scared and leaves. Betty sees the blood on his shirt when he comes back and that's when she uproots the family.
Anyway, in the present, Betty's decided to move the family away again. Matthew doesn't want to go so he enlists the help of Danielle. They trick Caleb into going to Danielle's house, while Bree is there, and doing what looks like trying to rape her, but really, Matthew said Danielle wanted to talk to him or something. Bree is furious, and tells Betty that she's going to turn them in. Betty decides to just kill Caleb instead. Um, ok. She tells Matthew her plan to poison him with some of the ice cream he loves so much. He hasn't planned on that, but can't really say how he set Caleb up. She takes him down to the lake for a picnic. I don't think I've ever had ice cream at a picnic, but I guess I've never tried to kill anyone with ice cream either. It looks fairly frozen still when he starts eating it. While he's eating he tells her that he was just doing what Matthew said. Uh oh. Betty takes the ice cream away from him.
When she gets home she locks Matthew in the basement. Danielle figures out where he is and breaks him out, and they run away together. When Betty learns Matthew's left, she and Caleb try and leave, but are ambushed by the cops. No, I have no idea how the cops figured everything out and got to them. Anyway, the cops show Betty a picture of Melanie Foster, and oddly, she has a coat draped over her head. Betty immediately recognizes and tells the cops that this isn't Caleb's jacket, it's Matthew's. Now, I don't mean to nitpick here, but I would think that she would just let Caleb take the fall for it since he's going to be found incompetent, and will just spend his time in a mental facility, as opposed to her other son that will go to a full fledged prison. I'm not saying lying about murder and covering things up is good, but if there was ever a time to do it, it's now.
We then see what else happened the night Melanie died. Matthew did show up to the train yard and found Melanie on the ground, but she was alive. At first it didn't seem like she was going to tell anyone what Caleb did, until Matthew told her that this didn't mean they'd get back together. In another moment of "bitch should just shut up" she started going on about going to the police and telling them what Caleb did. This is too much for Matthew, who takes a two by four and bludgeons her to death. Really not sad she died. Am a bit confused though, since when Betty told Bree the story she said that Caleb picked up an ax and gave Melanie 40 whacks. Also, what kind of inept cops were working this case? As someone else pointed out, that jacket he left was full of his DNA, plus, she was dating him, he should be the first person they looked at, especially since he suddenly disappeared. Who knows anymore with this show. Then we cut to Matthew standing over Danielle's bed in the cheap motel they're staying in.
When Bree came home and found the note Danielle left her, about how she needed to leave and how Bree sucked as a mother, that was just too much for her, she had to check herself into a mental institution. While there, she expected to just get fed medicine, but the doctors won't do that. In fact, she lies to the doctor, saying her kids are wonderful, that one is away looking at schools or something and the other one is at cheerleader camp. Some bullcrap that he doesn't believe. Later, as she's hanging out in the playroom or wherever, she sees Kyle. He approaches her and they speak. She asks him not to tell anyone she's there. Apparently he's there visiting a friend, some lady who Bree learns hasn't spoken since she got there. Something tells me there's more to the story then just that. There's an obvious flirtation.
Bree tries to walk out once, but it doesn't work. Then, she gets a call on her cell phone from Betty who tells her it was Matthew who killed Melanie. This freaks her out and she tries to leave again. This time they tie her to her bed. At the same time, Danielle and Matthew decide to make their way back to Wisteria Lane to raid Bree's safe and get some cash. The next day, in her session with her doctor, she says that she lied, and that she's ashamed of what's happened. He asked what she'd say if her kids were there. She tells him that she would ask for Andrew's forgiveness, and tell Danielle that she had a plan to protect her. With that, she takes the little sand Zen garden and throws it in her doctor's face. She hurries down the hall and just as an alarm sounds, she sees Kyle. She hides behind a door as the orderly comes through. She grabs the door to stop it from closing and gives Kyle one last look and he smiles at her, not giving her up.
Matthew and Danielle have made it back to her house. Fortunately, Bree's changed the combination on the safe. Matthew goes over to get the sledgehammer from his house and runs into Betty. I'm thinking she's getting a sledgehammer to the face, but she doesn't. She just tells him she knows he killed Melanie, and he says that she would never protect him the same way she does Caleb. He leaves without hurting her, which surprises me, and she calls the police.
Back at Bree's, Matthew's managed to get the safe open and he and Danielle are currently raiding the fridge. Bree shows up and tells Danielle to get away from Matthew, that he murdered Melanie. The little bitch doesn't buy it and tells her to leave them alone. They try to leave and Bree blocks them. Matthew whips out a gun and points it at Bree. Danielle's scared now, and tries to get Matthew to back down. He pushes to her, and she starts to see it, but not really because she's a dumb ho. Bree then starts coming closer to the gun, as Matthew starts to get worried. She tells Danielle to leave again and comes even closer. He's yelling at her wondering what she's doing and she says that if getting shot by him will show her daughter who he truly is, then so be it. I have to say, then, and even a little now, this scene touched me. She finally showed true, unconditional, throw myself in front of a moving car, do whatever I need to do to protect my child motherly instincts. Finally. Suddenly, there's a popping sound. Matthew drops down to the ground, dead. The super fast sharp shooting S.W.A.T. team has made it to the scene, assessed the situation, and determined to shoot the black man, which they do. I'm amazed his finger didn't pull the trigger when he got shot.
Down the street, at what a looks like the same time, Mike's buying flowers. He's on his way to meet with Susan. Up at the lake she's put together a feast, decorated the RV with stickers that say, "If the truck's a rockin', don't come a knockin'!" Oh, and some pretty lights. Cut then to Mike crossing the street with the flowers and a red car zooms towards him, on purpose, and hits him, hard. He flips over the car and falls onto the pavement, very close to death. As the car turns the corner, we see that it's Kyle! What the frak?! What we can only assume is the next day, Bree's leaving her house and who's there? Kyle! With some flowers! I wonder if he got them off of the road after he hit Mike. Cheap.
So that's the jist of it. I know that was long, but trust me, it took me much longer to write it then it did for you to just read it. Am I looking forward to the next season? I guess. But, I hear the creator and head writer, Marc Cherry, will be back in the driver's seat this season. I'm assuming that means it'll be back to how it was that first season, but we can only hope.