It's that time of year again! Amazing Race time. I'm so happy. My Sundays are whole again. Happy dance!
"Over there is the ass who told you all to wear different colors"
We're starting off in my current town, LA, in the LA river. Um, gross. If you've ever been to LA you know that the LA river is a cesspool. Yeah, they shot Terminator 2 and Grease there but that was 20 years ago! Now all they film there are bodies. Haha, get it, because people die there.
Here's who we have...
Sam and Dan, brothers, who are gay. They came out to each other on the same day. Could you imagine that conversation? If they weren't brothers I'd be imagining them making out. I guess I can still do that right?
Eric and Lisa, yoga instructors. Hate them. Old people who think they're young annoy me.
Brian and Ericka, married couple. She was Miss American in 2004. I'm a little biased, I already like them because they're an interracial couple. Plus they should be fun TV when she starts yelling at him during stressful moments. Don't tell me you can't see that happening?!
Garrett and Jessica. Dating on and off. Something tells me it'll be OFF when this is over. She's from Columbia, so she's fiery! And predictable.
Gary and Matt, father and son. Gary wasn't around for Matt like he should have been when he was growing up. I love them already. Crappy relationships that hope The Race will make them better makes me happy.
Herbert and Nathaniel, Harlem Globetrotters who go by the names The Big Easy and Flight Time. They have an advantage of already working together, but it's just for the Harlem Globetrotters so how stressful can that be? I love them.
Lance and Keri, engaged. He's a lawyer so I already want him to fail. Plus he has a handkerchief on his arm like a douchebag arm tattoo. He's going to be yelling at her at some point and I'll feel sorry for her until she starts yelling at him and then I'll hate them both.
Marcy and Ron, token old people who are newly dating, probably after a few years on E-Harmony. They'll either rock or be completely annoying.
Meghan and Cheyne (pronounced Shane), longtime dating. Just his name makes me want to punch him, but they have cute banter in their opening interview so I'm holding off judging them, but leaning towards hating them. More on them later.
Maria and Tiffany, best friends and competitive poker players. And when I say competitive poker players I mean like these bitches have won money, lots of it. Since they're the only all girl team I assume the editors will make us hate them.
Zev and Justin. Zev has Asperger Syndrome, which anyone who watches Top Model already knows. Basically he doesn't recognize social cues. Because of this people will ASSume he's being a dick, when he's not. Something about this team I already like. Please stay that way.
Mika and Canaan, newly dating. They bore me already. I'm holding back judgement until I see them more, which a fair person would do with all of the couples, but I'm a fickle bitch.
On to The Race! Phil is with them and he gives his normal first episode speech. But, in a twist, he tells us that this year someone will be eliminated at the START of the race. Oh Phil how you tease me so! I love this. I normally don't form any type of bond with people until a few shows in but I found myself, 5 minutes into this, not wanting teams to get eliminated.
The challenge, there in the LA basin, is sorting through a couple hundred license plates for the ones with the Japanese symbols (printed on the top of their clue!) and then once Phil approves he'll give them tickets for their first leg, to Japan. This starts and immediately I'm wondering what kind of idiot doesn't see the plates with Japanese writing on them. What I eventually figure out is some of them have the writing on them, but not all of them have the correct writing (printed on the top of the clue!).
Teams start figuring this out and bringing them to Phil who gives them their tickets. The teams that I'm hoping aren't eliminated are Gary and Matt, father and son, the Harlem Globetrotters, the interracial couple, and the guy with Asperger Syndrome. Luckily, they don't get eliminated. The yoga couple does. Watch my single tear.
Now it's on to the flights. Living in LA I sorta miss the mad dash to the airport to secure your own flight, but the elimination in the beginning made up for that. At the airport people begin meeting each other and the poker players begin their long con, pretending they work for a non profit homeless youth organization in Los Angeles. They say they don't want people to think they don't need the money and if they make up a good enough lie then people will actually want to help them. Can't say I don't agree with this, although people will be gunning for you once they realize you lied. But, it's all good TV.
The teams are on two flights to Japan and the second to leave actually gets in early enough to catch up. Everyone is on their way to Tokyo Tower Studios. When they start arriving they're whisked away to a taping of a Japanese game show. I love this. Japanese game shows are crazy. Like crazy. We start realizing that the show won't start until everyone arrives, which is odd since the other plane could have gotten in way later and everyone would have just been standing around with Japanese people yelling "Wasabi!".
Anyway, everyone gets there and they begin the game. Roadblock! It's a roulette/food challenge. One person from each team must stand in front of the roulette table and when the wheel stops they eat whatever's in front of them. If it's a wasabi bomb then they have to finish it within two minutes. If they do, they can get a clue and move on. If they don't, they have to start all over again and wait for another wasabi bomb. And let me just tell you, these things look massive. Basically it's just seaweed with a little rice, like a hand roll, and a f*ckin lotta wasabi on and in it. You have to play until you get and finish a wasabi bomb in the allotted time.
The teams start eating their balls, haha, sorry, and one by one they begin leaving. And then the first time Karma rears her gorgeous head. Maria, one of the poker player can't eat the wasabi ball and after trying to choke it down gets to the last second and last bite and fails. She has to wait to get another ball before trying again. Unfortunately it falls on her and she has to go again right away. I really wish I felt sorry for her, but these girls have been getting on my last nerve. Thanks a lot editors!!!! Your evil trick is working! She eventually gets it down and they fun off. Brian, the guy married to Miss America 2004 can't do it either and has to go again. This makes them the last to leave.
Once they all leave the studio they have to take twenty tourists around Tokyo and find Phil at the Pit Stop. This is easier said then done since 1,000,000 people walk through this one intersection A DAY. Yes, A DAY! You also have to show up with all of your people.
The gay brothers, Sam and Dan team up with the poker players, oddly enough each team is lying to the other hoping to get in their good graces and ironically, it's working. The girls think Sam and Dan are cute, not realizing they're barking up the wrong tree. And sisters, let me tell you, that is not fun. And the guys think they're helping these nice girls who work for a non profit organization. So it's a lose/lose situation all around.
Brian and Ericka (Miss America 2004) find an American (or Canadian!) who leads them to Phil and they wind up checking in 6th. The old people are running around and the woman keeps skipping and hopping. Too bad she's going the wrong way. She's annoying. (ha, predicted!)
Back off bitch!
The Poker Players get to the Pit Stop but they have lost two people. We get a shot from the sneaky cameraman where the girls left their ladies at the crazy intersection. Those women just weren't having it anymore. Eventually, because they know they're last, the girls go see Phil. All the other teams are standing around, which is weird. Phil announces that they will get a two hour penalty in their next leg, yes, this was non elimination! Wow Phil, you are just full of surprises tonight! I love you.
In the next leg the teams start leaving just after midnight and are told they need to go to Vietnam. Some teams stop off at Internet cafes or their hotels to book flights while Matt and Gary (father and son), Meghan and Cheyne (Shane) and Brian and Ericka go to the airport. Maria and Tiffany are last to leave at 3am. This is where I get a bit confused. They leave three hours after everyone, but when they get to the airport the three teams who went straight there are still at the counter. I'm thinking the counter didn't open until a certain time but Phil didn't say that. What's up with that Phil, I thought we were friends.
Brian then starts to negotiate with the lady, asking if there are business class seats they can buy for the economy rate. At first I thought this was completely idiotic until I realized that if the plane is about to leave and the airline can make at least a few grand on these eight people, they will. Brian's not too happy the poker players are there, but regardless, they get seats.
As they're waiting in line to get on the plane the poker players ask a man for help, but instead he totally crushes them by asking them if they are the world famous poker players from America. Busted! Yes, Tiffany admits that she came in number two or four or whatever and the gay brothers hear this and are pissed. Word spreads. Hahaha.
Once they land they have to take a bus to some Vietnamese village. Half the teams get on one bus, but the other half, with Matt and Gary and Brian and Ericka get on a second bus. Matt realizes that the bus with the other team is leaving and that they will all be at least an hour behind the other groups. Brian (again!) negotiates with the bus driver, saying that they'll pay for all of the seats if they can leave now, which, completely fraks the people who need to take that bus home or to work, but hey, this is for a million freakin' dollars. I'd like to point out that on this bus ride Zev notices a man on the bus who is drenched with no coat, so he GIVES HIM HIS COAT! I do like this team.
Even though they've closed the lead, it's all for nothing though, because when they get to their next stop it doesn't open until the morning. As they all camp out that night Maria comments that Zev and Justin are their least favorite team. Of course they are you douchebag, they're nice! Granted, she didn't actually see him give the guy his coat because they were on a different bus, but you know they talked about it later.
When the dock finally opens they find they have to take a raft across the river to some mud pits. Ah, this must be why some teams are muddy in their interviews. Once at the pits they have to cover the tree pits with mud up to a red line.
And this is where the speed bump is for the poker players who were last at the Pit Stop. It's some lame ass thing of getting soup for some guy on the river. It's dumb, like most of the speed bumps, and it takes them what looks like ten minutes to do.
Meghan and Cheyne are in the lead and then when he steps in the mud he sinks down to his waist and hilarity ensues. Other teams arrive and also bitch and complain. All except Matt and Gary who say that they're used to the mud. Meghan and Cheyne finish first, and I'm starting to really like them. They didn't bicker, worked real well together, and they're cute. So we'll see. The next clue says to travel by foot to a field. So they get on the boat and head back to shore.
Zev and Justin finish up with only the poker players still doing the task and Justin falls into the water. They laugh about it until they realize, thankfully right after they pull away from the dock, that Justin doesn't have the clue. They hurry back and quickly find it, but the girls have now finished the task and are getting to their boat.
Next is a Roadblock, done by only one member of the team. They have to herd some ducks from their pen, over a bridge, and then back over the bridge and into the pen again. They have ten minutes to do this and then they have to relinquish their spot and wait for another available course.
Meghan, Jessica and Ericka all try it and fail the first time. Flight Time, Matt and Sam all are able to do it and get a clue that tells them to race down the street to the next Pit Stop. Meanwhile the women start again with the men screaming at them in frustration. Zev decides to be calm and Zen-like with the ducks after noticing how poorly the women are doing running after the ducks. Justin calls him the duck whisperer. Haha, I do love these guys. It takes Maria two times to get the ducks corralled but she does it.
Over at the Pit Stop, Sam and Dan almost come in first but it's Matt and Gary (!!!) who hop on the mat and win kayaks. Boring! Gary says that this is all bringing him closer to his son. Everyone else starts to roll in, including Maria and Tiffany (boo!). The last two people at the ducks is Ericka and Jessica (who? oh yeah, on and off dating). Ericka finishes seconds before Jessica and they all run looking for the Pit Stop. Ericka and Brian find it first! Yay! Bye Jessica and Garrett (who?) I hardly knew you.
Until next time!!!!!
