Babies? Whatever. Marriage? Whatever. Happily Ever After? Whatever. I have my Jack back and that's all that matters to me. I'm going to pretend my obsession with Jack Bauer isn't borderline psychotic and so are you, mmmkay?
Sunday marked my Jack's return to my life. After a brief fight earlier in Africa he's now back for real. But something is threatening my love. Tony. Read on to figure out WTF I'm talking about.
This is what most of us want to do to the Senate. Jack does NOT do this, but I thought it'd be funny if he did.
The show starts off with my Jack in court. Well, a Senate hearing to be exact. Remember Jack gave up his freedom in Africa to save the African kids. See people???? How could you not love that? Seriously? Anyway, he's being charged with basically violating the Geneva convention which for those of you who don't know, I like to all the P*ssy Papers. "I'm too good for torture", "You can't use waterboarding", "I'm a baby, wahhhhhh". As we all know, Jack is the king of (my heart?) not using proper channels to interrogate a suspect. And as a result we also know that over the last seven or so years thousands, probably tens of thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands are alive because he had the balls to shoot someone in their knee to get an answer. Ha, remember that?
Jack's all like, "Yeah, I torture people, so what?" That doesn't really sit well with everybody. Now while all this is going on this guy gets kidnapped. I don't know his name but let's call him Ray. He's kidnapped in the middle of the road after the bad guys crash into him. One of the masked men sounds awfully familiar and has some blazingly sexy lips.
Did someone order a stripper? Ken, you dog, it's not even my birthday.
Eventually the F.B.I. comes into Jack's hearing and gets him. Agent Sexy Pants Walker tells him that a few minutes before (in 24 time, ha!) Ray was kidnapped. Apparently Ray helped build this firewall that's sole purpose is to help keep Americas infrastructure in tack. They think maybe an attack is eminent using this knowledge. Did you ever see Die Hard 4? Yeah, basically this is the same thing.
They think they know who did it and they need Jack's help. He agrees and goes to F.B.I. headquarters or, CTU 2.0. Not as cool. Too bright, too many people. One of those people is Janis (Chloe 2.0) who is played by Jeanine Garrafolo, or whatever. She is bad. And when I say bad, she's a wimp. She's probably really smart and all but she's whiny. And not in a good Chloe way, in a "I'm a wimp" way that immediately annoys me. She's obviously a mole. Also there is Sean. Remember when Sylar from Heroes was on this show, right? Got shot in the head when CTU was taken over? Anyway, he's him, an analyst who is very cagey, which means he's NOT a mole.
The head of this department is Larry Moss. Isn't he a football player? Anyway, he is not happy about Jack being there, and why would he, Jack could kick Larry's ass. He doesn't like how Jack takes matters into his own hands. Lame. Agent Sexy Pants Walker quickly bitch slaps her boss which tells me that they're lovers. Nice.
Hola Antonio!
Anyway, Agent Sexy Pants Walker takes Jack into a room, lucky, and tells him that she called him in because they think the perp is someone he knows, reveal, Tony Almeida. Sweet mother of Jesus what the hell? I mean, this wasn't a huge shock since I saw Tony in the promo but good mother of Christ is is looking so freakin' hot. I mean, Tony was always attractive, there is no doubt about it but wow, he is looking better then, um... well, let's just say he's looking good. But he's bad! Tony Almeida is a terrorist? Please, can someone say "undercover"???? I mean who knows, but Tony being rogue is not something I think is going on although he's pretty damn hot looking all smoldery and bad. I feel like I'm cheating on Jack.
While all this is going on the President, Allison Taylor, is trying to figure out what to do. The mean African that Jack had to deal with is leading a genocide in his country and Prez Taylor's like, 'Oh no he di'nt'" and decides to send in some troops to help out some black people, yay. The First Gentleman is played by Colm Feore who I love. I'm excited he's on this season. He's workin' it out as First Gentleman, helping the Mrs. and what not. Unfortunately he's obsessed with the idea that his son did not kill himself. Uh oh. I'm trying to remember if they had more then one son because the one that was in the two hour was HOT and I would be so sad if he was dead. But unfortunately, it's him, Roger. Anyway, Henry, the FG wants to do some investigating himself. Yeah, try not to get yourself killed there buddy. He does get information that maybe his son's girlfriend is up to no good. She had an off shore bank account receive a bunch of money a few days after the son died. I want an off shore bank account. Hahaha. Eventually during the show he goes to see the girlfriend who denies this, gets busted by Ethan the Chief of Staff who tells him that Roger was into insider trading and that's why he killed himself, but then eventually gets a call from the girlfriend who he meets with secretly and who gives him a flash drive containing evidence that Roger found out his company was shady and was going to turn them in, so they killed him. All the while Henry's being escorted and watched by hot Secret Service Agent Gedge. Boring! I'm tired of crazy Presidential spouses. Not that Sherry Palmer and Martha what's her name weren't amazingly entertaining, but come on, let's give them something better to do and not make them crazy. At least he's a guy now and not going through the vapors or something.
Yeah, they're not sleeping together, sure!
Tony has Ray the tech guy he kidnapped work on the module to go with the CIP firewall thingy. I don't know, I was too busy lusting after my husband's best friend. The guy fixes whatever he needed to fix and Tony and his cohorts plug it in. They're hooked into the FAA who noticed something weird happening. They contact the F.B.I. and because in this episode the government is working perfectly efficient, get patched to Larry Moss who tells Agent Sexy Pants Walker, his girlfriend, who will now be known as ASP. Jack wants to help out since he doesn't believe Tony could do this either. Larry Moss isn't happy but ASP thinks it's a good idea. Jack goes to work with Sean, the moley non-mole. Jack figures out that there is one guy who might have helped Tony who they both knew when they worked for CTU 1.0. They decide to go talk to him but not before Larry Moss tells ASP that Jack's methods of interrogations aren't really his cup of tea. Puss. She tells him that just Jack's presence will help. Larry Moss agrees and Jack goes with ASP to meet up with this guy.
When they get there it's that cool as shite guy from Gladiator with all the scars on his face. I like this guy. He's not giving up any information though until ASP gives Jack the go ahead for what we know and love, Jack the torturer. Gladiator isn't having it though and decides to talk. Before he can say anything he's shot and killed. Bummer. I liked him. Jack sees the shooter and tells ASP to lock down the building next door, which she does. Gladiator's phone rings and Jack answers it. It's Tony. He tells Jack to stay away and Jack looks hurt and angry which, as we know, are his best looks. Jack insists to ASP that there has to be a mole. She doesn't believe it and says that Tony could have had this dude under surveillance, which was my first thought. Jack is like, 'cmon, really? He says no, that someone is working for Tony inside the Bureau.
After his brief reconnection with Tony he puts the module in use. The FAA becomes locked out of their system. I don't know how the tower system works for the FAA, but I thought the flights get handed over after each part of the flight. Maybe not. Anyway, they have control over one flight in particular that's coming into JFK that we're shown repeatedly. Awe, children and old people. Tony could never kill children and old people. I hope this farce of him being bad doesn't last all season. What if he is bad though? I don't know why even thinking it makes me sorta hot. I'm a sick sick person. Well, he then instructs the plane to land, still pretending to be the FAA. We then see that it's on a collision course to crash with another plane that doesn't see it because of the dense fog. If Tony allows this to happen then there is no hope. The Tony that I loved and lost is gone forever. Just as the planes are about to collide Tony pulls one of them up and says that it was just a demonstration. I knew it! I knew it! There is no way Tony is bad! I hope not at least, sorta.
Tony tells the FAA that this was just a demonstration and the next will be the real thing. Then, some slightly attractive British-like guy comes in named Emerson. Tony gives him Ray and the module and Emerson asks if the F.B.I. will be a problem and Tony assures him that they won't be. Later Emerson shows up to a hide out that's all high tech and what not and Colonel Dudaku is there. Remember him? In Redemption Jack killed his brother. He's the second in command to Juma. He's looking kinda good in a suit. Anyway, he's the mastermind behind the terrorist attack. Eventually he calls the Prez and tells her that he has control of the CIP firewall and if she wants to get it back and not have America shiteholed, she needs to pull troops out of Sangala.
The Prez is meeting with the Prime Minister of Songala, Matobo, who is going to probably be the person who takes over for Juma, the crazy African going around killing people in Songala. She wants to promise troops in the region, like Matobo wants, but says that she doesn't want Juma found and hung in the street or anything, that she wants a fair trial for him and then dealt with after that. President Taylor, Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer, President Taylor, you will not understand each other. I miss President Palmer. Matobo agrees that he won't kill Juma in the streets, but he agrees in a "I'm just saying this now to make you feel better but I really don't mean it" sorta way. The Prez then hears about the near miss at JFK and calls an emergency meeting with Homeland Security.
Um, guys, you think this is the best time to be on XBox Live?
Back with Jack, he and ASP are still looking for the shooter. The shooter's surrounded in the building with no way out. He calls Tony and a few minutes later one of the agents that's there looking for him meets him in the basement and gives him an F.B.I. jacket to put on so he can leave. Conveniently enough when the guy leaves, Jack notices him. Looking around all guilty really isn't the way to leave the scene unnoticed. Jack notices the guy has on brown boots instead of the standard black boots. Man he's good. He tells ASP that he thinks that's that shooter and because she's all Miss Goody Two Shoes (sorta) she wants to call everyone over to look. Jack tells her to slow her roll and that him coming out of the building means that someone helped him, so her people can't be trusted, meaning there is a mole in the F.B.I. He says they should just follow him to see if he leads them to Tony.
After they leave Chloe 2.0 tells Larry Moss that ASP left with Jack. He's pissed, i.e., jealous, and really, who wouldn't be. He calls her up and asks WTF? She tells him that they're following up on a lead but won't elaborate. See biatch, it's hard to follow the rules when you know people don't understand and there's no other way to get it done. Because they're lovers he knows she's lying but doesn't push it too much. After they hang up, after realizing that she's turning into Jack ASP asks Jack if he was really going to torture that guy before. He says damn straight and then says, "You know I'm Jack Bauer right?" Haha, he didn't, but that would have been awesome.
Stalker much?
They finally follow the guy to Tony who, long story short, Jack captures. It's awesome of course. Unfortunately Ray is gone and so is the module, since he gave both to Emerson earlier, and any information on the computer they had was erased. Oh Tony. As they're cuffing Tony, Larry Moss shows up and sees ASP there and is pissed at her because she lied. Technically she didn't lie, but she didn't tell him that she was going after Tony.
Drool.
Eventually they get Tony back to CTU 2.0 and lock him up. Everybody knows he's not going to talk. Jack insists on talking to Tony and they let him. Larry Moss is still annoyed at Agent Sexy Pants. Jack goes in and Tony is tight lipped. Until he asks Tony why he's doing this and brings up Michelle. Tony then says that the government is to blame for his wife's death and he's amazed Jack doesn't feel the same way since the government's the reason that Terri died. Oh no you di'int Tony. Jack grabs him and starts choking him. My emotions are so mixed here. Bad Tony is not good, but oh so right. And I don't like seeing Jack hurt people he really loves. CURTIS! CURTIS!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I had a flashba CURTIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Larry Moss wants to stop this but ASP lets it go on a bit more. They do storm in at some point but not before Tony whispers in Jack's ear, "Deep Sky". Jack recognizes it and when the F.B.I. escorts him to another room he dials a number. When the person picks up you can't tell who they are and their voice is different.
Once Jack says the code name the camera pulls back and it's BILL BUCHANAN. Yes, Bill! And Chloe's there too! They have what looks like CTU junior going on. Holy schnikies Tony is good! Tony is good! My heart is so happy right now. Yay!!!! Bill tells Jack that Tony is in deep cover because they know there is a conspiracy to the highest degree all the way up to someone close to the President so they couldn't risk going to an agency about this. They're working completely outside of an agency. This is so bad ass. Tony is good, Bill has a beard, Chloe is bad ass as ever. Bill says that someone is working with Dubaku. Jack knows all too well how bad Dubaku is. Bill tells Jack that they have to get Tony out of there so he can continue the work and find out who is the bad guy.
Speaking of bad guys. ASP tells Chloe 2.0, who I will now call Janis since the real Chloe is here now, that there's a mole and to start looking for suspicous stuff. Okay, so we all know that Janis is a mole, right? Ummkay. Well, Janis finds out that Sean, the guy who totally isn't a mole but seemes to be, has hacked into the FAA mainframe. She tells ASP that someone did it and that she's got to confirm who it is. While she's in the big mainframe room she realizes it's Sean and he shows up. He tells her it's not what it looks like. Of course it's not. He tells her that his wife is on a flight and if something happens with the CIP firewall like before then she could die. Janis believes it and I sorta do too. At someo point his wife (or sister if this guy is the mole) calls and tells him that she's fine but the plane keeps circling. He eventually makes some calls and pretends he's Larry Moss to get her plane upped in the queque to land next. I'm not saying I agree with doing illegal things but I certainly understand this one.
Trust me, this isn't the first time she was passed out lying on a table. Trust.
Chloe tells Jack that she's hacked into the F.B.I. server and into survaillance. She's going to guide him through. ASP comes in to give him his stuff back and he knocks her out. He then goes into the interrogation room and knocks out Larry Moss and the guard and takes Tony out with Chloe guiding. Janis looks at survaillance and sees Larry Moss is knocked out and just waking up. She calls security who locks down the building. Chloe is still guiding them through but then Janis has figured out that someone is in the system and that they're good. Yeah they are. Agent Sexy Pants and Larry Moss come to see the progress in finding them after both waking up and they realize that Jack is helping and now gone rogue. Of course he's gone rogue, his name is Jack Bauer! Janis locks Chloe out so she's blind and Tony and Jack are on their own.
Eventually they get close to getting out but Chloe is able to tap back in and sees they're trapped. Jack breaks a window and he and Tony jump out onto the parking garage. They go in just as Janis gets control back and sees where they are. Chloe could totally take this wallflower in a fight. Jack and Tony are then trapped in the parking structure, with Bill on the way. They're in a firefight and eventually Tony runs and jumps the story or so down onto a car to get away. He's waiting for Jack who's still stuck when Bill shows up. Jack then hotwires a car and careens it off the parking lot and crashes. They jump into Bill's truck and get away. So bad ass. Jack and Tony working together again!!!!
Dubaku's clock on getting the troops out is counting down still and they don't have much time. The Prez is upset at Larry Moss for what happened with Jack but says that Jack and Tony are the best leads and to go for that. He agrees. She has less then two hours to get things moving for a troop removal or Dubaku will do something very mean to America. Boo!
At the hideout Jack, Bill and Tony arrive. Chloe is cute telling Jack she saw him earlier during his hearing and that he looked a good. Of course he did! Anyway, Jack still has some questions, mostly, you know, how the
frak is Tony a live since he died in his arms. Tony says that a guy named Emerson, who we know from before, injected him with something after he died that brought him back to life so he could be a traitor. Since he was a good candidate. Jack's like, so you were faking it the whole time. And Tony's like, that's not entirely accurate, I sorta hated the US for awhile. Jack's appauled. Tony says that when he realized that Emerson was involved with Dubaku he realized things were at their limit, he wasn't all about genocide. He then contacted Bill. He worked for the bad guys for three years before he stopped being one, so he's good friends with the bad guys. Have I talked about (recently) how freakin' sexy Tony is? Seriously. The voice, the face, the facial hair, the hair cut. He is workin' it out. And he's just as strong as Jack. OMG, I am NOT cheating on Jack with his best friend. I can't. I won't. Although... NO!
Um...
Anyway, they have to get Tony back on the crew because Tony knows there's another job. He calls Emerson and says that Jack sprung him and that he thinks Jack will be a good asset. Emerson doesn't think it's a great idea but says to bring Jack anyway. When they get there they plan to kill Jack. Chloe and Bill are listening in and Bill's like, 'well that sucks, but, we kinda knew this might happen." Chloe's like, 'why the frak didn't you tell me then?' and he's all, 'because I knew you would react like this!'. I mean that's not really how it went down, but wouldn't that have been funny?
The President tells Matobo that she may have to withdraw her troops and he's pissed but understands. She sends him back to his safe house and tells him that she'll do her best to help his people. I like Matobo. When he leaves her Chief of Staff totally pusses out. He tells her that she should give into Dubaku and bring the troops back, that if there's a choice between American lives and non American lives, always choose American lives. I kinda have to agree with him there. Not that I don't think they should be helping people, but when you put it like that it's hard to argue.
The cleaning lady must be there.
Meanwhile, Tony tries to defend Jack but Emerson is like, you gotta shoot your buddy. I guess to prove that he's back in the groove. Before Tony can even get down there with Jack, Jack turns on his guards and shoots one and holds one hostage. He basically tells Emerson that he has nowhere else to go and that if he could overpower these two goons then he needs him. Emerson agrees and shoots the other guy. Hahah, sorta liking this guy. Jack then changes, thank the Lrd, into a hot thug outfit. Emerson wonders why he wants to do this and Jack admits that they took his family away and he hates the US. Emerson is convinced and gives them the next assignment. They're going to capture Matobo! What the hell? I love Matobo. Jack will protect him.
Agent Sexy Pants needs help and gets Janis to come with her to the hospital where the shooter i.e., Tony's associate, has just woken up. ASP asks him for information and he says he doesn't know anything. She then tortures him. See, once you go there you can't come back from it, it just makes sense. Janis tries to distract the guy's lawyers but ASP is able to put her gun in his wound and cut off his oxygen long enough to get information out of him. He says that they're next assignment was capturing Matobo. No! Wait, let me stop right here. So Tony, the head of the operation doesn't know what the next assignment is but this low level shooter does? Disbelief suspended!
ASP calls Larry Moss who calls Matobo's guard (huh?) and tells him that Matobo's in eminent danger. His guards go into action just as Jack and Tony and the team arrive. They are able to get Matobo into a panic room though with no way in. Emerson is pissed and hits the guard. Jack goes to the next room and digs through the side only to come up with steel or whatever it is those things are made of. The clock ticks down and we realize that Matobo is locked up, Tony is actually a good guy, the President is still not knowing what to do, and Agent Sexy Pants is a torturer. Hahaha. Until next week my love!