BABY ON BOARD

There's no way this is good

From what I could tell from the previews of this episode things were gonna be good. I was right, this one was good. So good they couldn't air any new episode for awhile after it. What the hell is that all about?

The show starts with Claire trying to help Aaron stop crying. Boy that kid has some lungs on him. I mean I know they're all stuck on the island and have to be in it together, but damn I'd be pissed if I was trying to sleep and that baby was freaking out. I mean at least walk down the beach some. Claire wakes Locke up and asks him to help her get the baby to Jack. Locke doesn't think it's a good idea for her to go traipsing around in the woods and I'm inclined to agree with him. I mean I'd face down one of those smoke things for my kid too but it'll do him no good to have a dead mommy. Locke decides to go get Jack himself and bring him to Aaron. He goes to the hatch and wakes him up, telling him there's a problem and takes over the pushing of the button until he gets back.

On the beach Claire's trying to hush the baby and putting cold compresses, or whatever a deserted island's version of cold compresses is, on his forehead. Behind her appears Rousseau, the French lady. If you remember, the last time these two met was after Claire was taken. Rousseau wonders if the baby is "infected". Claire remembers scratching her arm up and assumed she helped The Others take her from camp. Rousseau realizes she doesn't remember what happened to her out in the jungle. Suddenly Claire remembers flashes of when she was taken. A long ass needle, knit baby booties, a girl talking to her... Kate interrupts the memory by running up and telling Rousseau to get lost. When she leaves, Claire tells Kate that Rousseau said there was something wrong with the baby. From when we first met Rousseau we learned that everyone in her party died from a sickness and that her baby was taken. Actually, they didn't die from the sickness she killed them, but hey, same difference right, they're dead.

Jack finally makes it to Claire and after looking at the baby, he tells her that he's going to be okay. I'm thinking he has one of those cool crystal balls, but no, it's just doctor speak. She's still worried since he has a fever and he's all blotchy, but Jack reassures her that no one else is sick with anything, so it can't be something he "caught". Kate tells Jack that Rousseau was there.

One of the passengers must have had a huge Mary Kay kit or something

The next morning Claire approaches Libby, the psychologist and Hurley's soon-to-be girlfriend, and asks her to help her remember. I'm still a little doubtful on her credentials as a psychologist, but we'll see. Kate and Claire explain to Libby about Claire's abduction. Libby thinks it's not amnesia she has, but that Claire's blocking the experience because it was so bad. Um, isn't that was amnesia is? I mean, I'm no doctor but according to Days of Our Lives Claire has amnesia.

Hey, at least it's not Abu Ghraib

In the hatch Jack and Locke bring food to Henry and beats him a little. Locke gives him a book, The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky. I have no idea what half those words mean in that last sentence but I guess it's a book from some great author. Talk about making time go by. It would take me an hour to read a line from that book. It's thick too. Jack doesn't think it's a good idea to give the guy a book, you know, it gives him hope and what not. I don't know why all of the sudden Jack's all thinking this guy is an Other. It was just last week he was yelling at Sayid for trying to torture him. Locke questions what they're going to do with Henry and that they can't keep hiding this guy. Why not? They have food, a place for him to sleep. No one needs to know anything. Jack points out that they keep pushing that damn button with no end is sight, so why do they have to have a plan for the dude. Locke has a look of annoyance on his face. Or maybe it's gas.

I'm thinking maybe they make papaya masks or something

Claire and Libby sit down on the beach and Libby starts hypnotizing her. Claire thinks back and starts having those flashes again. When they stop she's pregnant, looks like at a doctors office. She's explaining to the doctor why she left Sydney. The doctor wants to give the baby a shot. The doctor turns out to be Ethan, the Other Charlie killed after he took Claire. He puts some long ass needle into her belly and she has a bunch of flashes again. She comes out of her trance and starts flipping out, saying she saw Ethan. Of course Libby doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. Kate wants to know what Libby did. Kate needs to calm down. Claire explains to them what she saw and thinks Ethan did something to her while he had her captive. She wants to find the place he was holding her because there was medicine there and she thinks it'll help Aaron. She wants Kate's help finding it.

Later, Mr. Eko is chopping down a tree. Man, if there's anyone I'd want around when sh** goes down it's him. Later he goes to the hatch for some supplies and Henry's in the bathroom. Jack closes the door so he doesn't see him. He wonders if Locke is alone and he lies, saying he is. Eko's not stupid though and sees the cot pulled into the gun locker.

See, he is sincere

Down at the beach Kate goes to Sawyer for some guns but doesn't want to tell him why. He calls her Thelma. Haha. He has dimples, sigh. She finally tells him what's wrong and when she tells him that the baby's sick, he's quick to tell her he has medicine. See, he's nice. Kate tells him that Claire's going with or without her. He relents and gives her a gun. Claire leaves Aaron with Sun who questions her leaving her baby. Claire points out that Sun doesn't have any kids. (insert quizzical eyebrow lift from me) When Sun asks her if she's sure she wants to do this Claire has another flashback.

All the money they're probably dishing out they could at least afford some decent lighting

In this flashback Ethan's giving her another shot in her stomach and she's really stoned. He's obviously got her on some drug to keep her lucid. After he gives her the shot the two of them walk down a long medical facility type hallway. She passes a corridor with a door but he urges her on. He takes her into a room I'll call the "creepy room". It's all decked out for a baby, crib, clothes, rocking chair, it's even painted blue. Like I said "creepy room". She loves the room. Claire wonders what happened to Charlie and Ethan tells her that he went back. You know, after he unstrung himself from the tree he hung him in. The best part of the "creepy room" is the mobile made out of small planes. Okay that's just wrong. Claire spins it and is obviously disturbed, remembering something. Ethan's called away from her to outside in the hall. A man, who looks suspiciously like "Zeek", The Other, talks to him. He's not all dirty and what not though. He's clean cut and normal looking. He wonders what the hell happened. Apparently, Ethan was supposed to make the "list" and then bring her in. Remember the Other Ana-Lucia killed talked about a "list" too. Ethan tells Zeek that it's not his fault, that they figured out he wasn't supposed to be there. Zeek's worried about what "he" will do when "he" finds out. When Zeek closes the door Claire's flashback stops.

This is just wrong on so many levels

Zeek cleans up well

Kate and Claire leave the camp. Hell, I'd leave too if that baby kept crying like that. Out in the jungle they're trying to find Rousseau. Claire asks Kate if she knows anything about Rousseau, since she spent time with her last season. She doesn't mention that it was last season, I'm just telling you that. Kate explains that Rousseau's entire crew died once they got there. She doesn't tell her about Rousseau being the one who killed them all. Claire's a bit fragile already, telling her something like that wouldn't be a good idea. Hopefully she holds off on telling her that they al had infections as well. Kate thinks she's lost Rousseau's trail and low and behold the old bitch shows up. Claire wants her to take her back to the place she scratched her. She says she's starting to remember, including a teenage girl. This piques Rousseau's interest and she agrees to take them.

At the beach Mr. Eko approaches Jack and wonders who it is they're keeping in the hatch. Jack tries to play like no one's in there but Mr. Eko ain't no dummy. He says he wants to talk to the man and wonders if Jack can arrange it. Jack doesn't want to do it but Mr. Eko implies that he'll tell everyone the guy's in there if he doesn't help him.

These hatches are everywhere

Rousssea takes Claire and Kate to the spot where Claire scratched her and there's nothing there. Rousseau wants to know where they go next and Claire's confused because Rousseau's the one who was taking her back to the room. Rousseau starts to get upset because the reason she brought Claire there in the first place is for Claire to find the room. Rousseau starts to rough Claire up but Kate whips out the glock. Hey, if you ever want someone to shut the frak up, put a glock in their face, it works every time. Trust me, I know. As Kate holds the gun to her, Rousseau insists she shoot her. I mean Rousseau has her own gun so she could off herself. Maybe she's religious and doesn't believe in suicide. Claire walks away and comes upon a log in the ground. This sparks a memory.

Claire's in the creepy room and she's knitting a booty. Ethan comes in and says that he's going to take Claire for a walk. They're outside and sit down on the log to rest. He gives her some water and she claims it's sore. I don't think it's water. The baby kicks and Ethan puts his hand on it, saying he's going to miss her. Claire thinks she doesn't have to go but Ethan says they've been through this, and that once the baby's delivered she can go back to the beach with her friends. Ethan says there's not enough vaccine for her and the baby. She wonders if she can see the baby. Ethan assures her that they're not going to do anything she doesn't want them to do, like take the baby. He tells her that they're good people but if she's going to trust them with the baby, she has to be sure.

These Dharma people put their name on everything

As it begins to rain Claire starts running through the jungle with purpose. Kate wants to stop her but Rousseau wants her to let her look. Claire then finds the opening to the hatch. Kate immediately knows what it is since it has the Dharma insignia on it. When they open it Claire recognizes it as the hallway she saw earlier in a flashback. The three go down and the lights in the hallway are flashing as if the bulbs haven't been changed in awhile. Kate finds some flashlights and they all explore the complex. Kate goes to get the lights back on and leaves Claire with Crazy. They walk down the hallway Claire remembers from her flashbacks and find the creepy room. Kate gets the lightse turned on and they can see that the creepy room has been ransacked and most of the furniture removed. Meanwhile, Kate's nosing around and finds a locker room. She looks in one of the lockers and finds costumes. The costumes look extremely familiar, sorta like the ones Zeek and his friends were wearing when they took Kate. She also finds a box with theatrical glue and a beard, kinda like the one Zeek was wearing. In the baby's room Claire finds the booty she was knitting and has a flashback.

Okay, how the hell did all of these people get here and where did they come from?

In Claire's flashback the teenage girl wakes her up from bed. She's telling her she has to get up and be quiet. She shows her the operating room down the hall with ten or so people in it. She tells her that they're going to take the baby from her tonight. Not just take it, cut it out of her. Claire doesn't believe her and I'm thinking she should shut her the hell up. She gives her some sort of drug that knocks her out and Claire remembers the bottles of medicine Ethan was injecting into her stomach from before. Claire realizes the medicine is there and runs off to look for it. She goes into the room Ethan was examining her in and finds the storage container that's knocked over. Rousseau's in some sort of daze and can't help her pick it up. She calls for help and Kate comes in and they pull it upright. Of course it's empty and Claire freaks out. She wants to know from Rousseau where it is.

Claire has another flashback where Rousseau finds her in the jungle. She's just woken up from whatever the girl gave her and doesn't know where she is. She starts yelling for Ethan, saying she's "sure" about the baby. Rousseau shows up and we hear Ethan a bit a ways. Claire starts yelling for him and Rousseau's trying to shut her up. Claire wants to get back to them so she can give them the baby so they can keep him safe. The group's getting closer so to shut her up for good Rousseau hits her in the face, knocking her out. Claire realizes that Rousseau wasn't taking her back, she was trying to save her. Rousseau says she carried her back to the camp, hoping Jack and the others would find her. When Rousseau is leaving the hatch Claire wonders where she's going. Rousseau says that she's not the only one who didn't find what they were looking for.

I think they should let her use the shower every now and then

On their way back to the beach, Rousseau stops and says that it's as far as she can take them. Claire wonders if her baby was a girl and what her name was. Rousseau gets a far off look and says her name was Alexandra. Claire wants to know if she had blue eyes and Rousseau says yes. She tells her that Alexandra helped save her and that she was good. Rousseau apologizes to Claire that she didn't find what she was looking for and says that she hopes the baby's not infected but if he is, that she knows what has to be done. She takes back off into the jungle.

I thought this was some weird hary-cary at first

In the hatch Locke's washing some dishes and Eko and Jack walk in. Jack tells him that Eko knows and Locke opens the door. As he's doing that they warn him that the guy is smart and to not tell him anything. They also warn him that if the alarm goes off, to not tell him what it's for. Eko wonders what it's for himself. They ignore him and open the door. Eko walks in and Henry looks a bit scared. Shoot, I'd be scared too. Eko introduces himself and they shake hands. Eko sits next to him and wonders how long he's been in there. He's been there two days and answers that they've been treating him well, besides the fact that they're keeping him prisoner. Eko says that they're just being careful. Henry starts going off and Eko ask him nicely to shut the hell up. Eko then tells him about when he was dragged into the jungle when he first got there. He tells him that he killed of the two men that took him. Eko says that he needs Henry to hear his confession and that he's sorry for what he did. He wants his forgiveness for doing it. When Henry asks why he's telling him he says because he needed to tell someone. Eko then whips out that big ass knife of his and when you think he's going to do something to Henry, he cuts off these two little beard twisties off of his face. He throws them down on the cot and leaves. Ewe, is he going to clean them up?

At the beach Jack's checking Aaron out, who looks a lot better. Claire gives Aaron the booty she knitted for him and tells him that even though she wanted them to take him before, she knows now that they're meant to be together.

I hope he cleans that up

In the hatch Locke comes in to visit Henry and to bring him gruel or something that looks like it. Henry mentions the conversation he was having with Jack earlier and says that the walls are really thin. They have some meaningful conversation and Henry brings up to Locke his relationship with Jack. He plants the seed that maybe Jack's calling all of the shots. Locke denies it, saying that he and Jack make the decisions together. Henry apologized and says it was his mistake. When Locke gets back out to the dishes he gets angry and throws them on the ground. In the gun locker, Henry hears this.

Why is Locke all of the sudden insecure? He's a smart guy, he has to know Henry's trying to manipulate him. I thought that and Jack's sudden mistrust of Henry to be odd. Plus, what the hell was that with Eko and Henry. I mean I get that he was confessing to him, but why? Does he think he's an Other? Is he trying to manipulate him in some way? I know the show will answer all of this soon, and that's why I love it. Next new episode looks like there may be a baby on the way???

CONVICTION (DON'T BOTHER)

Ever since about 1999 Dick Wolf's been out of touch with what makes up a good show. They keep giving him money to do it though. Yeah yeah, I know some people really like that dumbass Criminal Intent, but as much as I love Vincent D'Onofrio and of course Chris Noth (who will forever be Big to me) I just can't get into it. The original Law and Order and SVU are awesome. Trial by Jury I could have lived without watching (and I did) and now there's an hour of my life I won't get back after watching Conviction, his newest show.

See what I mean? Savage right?

Conviction stars some guy who's the poor man's version of Fred Savage, and that's not really saying a lot. I'm not going to go into great detail because I don't want to waste your time either. The nuts and bolts of it is Fred Savage is a rich kid who decides he wants to serve the people and not live a rich white bread East Hampton life. Geez, how noble. Of course his friends and the stupid socialite girl he's been pining over, and he eventually sleeps with, think he's crazy to give up Latte's and Aspen in the winter.

I'm too bored with this show to be funny

The problem in the show lies in the number of stories and people we follow. The thing I think that makes L&O work is you have one case, the cops investigate and then the lawyers try the case. Here we have about six different attorneys in the District Attorney's office and it's quite confusing who outranks who. Are they all Assistant District Attorneys? How do they divide cases up. Who report to who? They're just all over the place with that. Eric Balfour, who I've loved every since he played Milo on 24 (!!!), is just obnoxious and ridiculous. We know his character is a ladies man, since one of the ladies shows up because he left his DA's badge in her bed. How do you even do that unless you're playing cops and robbers or some dumb variation? But next we see him pining over his old girlfriend and being hurt when he finds out she has a boyfriend. Boo freakin' hoo.

Some other attorney is the cliché "newbie" trial lawyer who has her first case. It seems like she's botching the whole thing and has to get corrected in court by the bailiff who obviously knows more about courtroom law then she does. Is this supposed to reassure me that the plight of the people is being represented by morons? She even leaves the evidence in the courtroom while everyone is at lunch. And by evidence I mean the drugs! She freaks out when she can't find them but luckily the judge took it to show her a lesson. She ends up winning the case. Go figure.

The rookie, Savage, gets thrown into a case by the lead attorney (I guess) and helps out the cliché "tough girl" attorney who's obviously having an affair with someone. Is it the lead guy? Or is it the "hard nose" other lead guy? The case the rookie's working on is a bad ass gang leader who cut open this woman who was a drug runner of his because one of the bags she carried from Costa Rica or wherever burst open. Since she's over dosing on the drug he doesn't want to lose the rest of it. Who should I feel bad for here? Really? Anyway, the lawyers decide to go to dinner and Savage fields a call, from a "detective", asking where the lead guy's gonna be meeting everyone. Savage tells him and guess what happens? The DA is shot and killed. Savage puts it together later that it was his fault.

When they all meet at their local attorney bar later they toast to the guy who died and the "tough girl" tells the "rookie" that they're all betting how long he'll make it. She has him making it for awhile, unlike most people. She gets a phone call and leaves. She goes and hooks it up with the "hard nose" other lead guy who's now the head lead guy. Again I'm just assuming because NOTHING is explained. I'm a savvy television watcher, I get stuff that's not quite straight forward and just assumed, but not this.

I know that's all confusing but it was confusing, and stupid. If you really want to watch it, go for it, but from someone who lives on crime dramas, don't waste your time. There's a much better show on Friday nights called In Justice.

THE MUSICAL FRUIT

Tides are turning and alliances are breaking down. These are the days of our lives. I'm with Cirie, every time Aras or Shane bitch about their alliance with crazy Courtney or fake boob Danielle I just laugh.

As La Mina returns from voting off Ruth Marie, Sally bends over and starts kissing her own ass because she's so good the guys decided not to vote her off. Yeah, now, but later you might be gone. You better hope to win the next Immunity Challenge.

See what I mean?

The next morning at Casaya, the fire keeps going out. They make it all dramatic that it keeps going out, but I think it's because they're not making good fires. Aras wants to blame everyone else for it, but he's the tool making the fires. Aras does get a little pissed when he sees Bruce making a rock garden while he's slaving away at the fire. I don't know how many people Aras expects to make fires, but four seems to be enough. Or not enough because they're having a hell of a time. Aras does approach Bruce and ask him if he'd help out and not build that stupid ass garden of his. Bruce gets offended because it's not a garden. They have a dumb argument and Bruce harps on what Aras is saying and doesn't pay attention to the fact that under what he's saying he's calling him a lazy mofo. They resolve it, sorta, and Ara laments that even though he's the youngest member of Casaya, he's the hottest. I'm sorry I meant most mature. Aras comments that he'd almost rather be on Exile Island then deal with these people. So would I.

When they arrive at the Reward Challenge, Jeff tells them that they'll have a relay race of sorts. Out in a boat is rice, beans, and some guy from New Orleans with a funny accent. Also in the boat are some fish. One member of the team has to run out to the boat, which isn't out too far, probably waist deep for most, and grab each item individually. When they get back to their mat in the sand they'll toss the item to the next person, then to the next, to the next and finally to the anchor who has to put it into a box. When they move on to the fish the anchor has to chop the fish's head and tail off before putting it into the box. Whoever wins gets to keep all of what they've just put in the box, fish, rice and beans. The losing tribe will get to take home either a bag of rice or a bag of beans.

I'm sure this isn't the first time smelly things have been thrown at her face

The challenge starts and Casaya is off to a decent lead until Bobby drops a slippery fish. The person who throws it has to run, pick up the item and try tossing it back to the person who's dropped it. La Mina is able to catch up when Bruce has a hard time chopping the fish. Terry, as anchor, goes through the fish easily. There're eight fish all together. La Mina is up by two until Sally fraks it up. What they all should have done is layed down in the sand to get the slippery off, but they didn't do that and the fish keeps falling when she tries to catch it. Also, over at Casaya, Bobby's now anchor and makes up lots of time chopping the heads and tails off in one fell swoop. It gets down to the wire as Bobby and Terry are chopping their last fish. Bobby slams the head off and wins Casaya reward. Since La Mina lost again, someone has to go to Exile Island. Casaya selects Terry to go, since they've realized how important Terry is to La Mina. Terry's not too happy, since his main goal of finding the Immunity Idol has been reached.

Casaya's happy to return to camp with nearly 100 pounds of food. Unfortunately, they don't have refrigerators in the Panamanian jungle so how the hell are they going to eat it all? They were also given spices so my first thought is to salt it. Of course I have no idea how the hell you do that, but they didn't even think of that. The rains have set in so it's impossible for Casaya to get a fire going and cook their fish so they decide to have some sushi. Why does everybody look at Bruce? They chop it up and eat it. Cirie's never had sushi and hopes she doesn't wake up feeling sick the next morning.

Over at La Mina, they're happy to have their beans. They make a bit too many for the four remaining tribes mates and Austin goes back for seconds. Unfortunately, since their bodies have been deprived of food for so long the beans move quickly through them. Something I hope I never have to experience, diarrhea and vomiting in a jungle with no bathroom, toilet paper or soap. The agony continues through the night as both Nick and Austin take turns going to the jungle to take care of business.

I thought it was just women who met up in the bathroom

Casaya's having a better time. Because of the downpours everyone is under the shelter. Everyone except Bobby and Bruce who find shelter in the bathroom. Bobby's snagged the bottle of wine they won the day before and he and Bruce are helping themselves to it. Drunk, Bruce and Bobby make the promise that they'll never vote each other out. Bobby does tell us that as soon as they merge he's going to vote all those Casaya mofos out. Foreshadow #1. When the group wakes up the next morning they find both men in the bathroom, as Bruce stumbles out. When Bobby's confronted about taking the wine he admits he did it, and apologizes. Courtney gets on him still and he says that he doesn't care what she thinks. He calls her one of the most annoying people in the history of the world. Who do you think is the most annoying person in the world? Carrot Top? Terri Hatcher?

At La Mina, Austin complains that they were up most of the night because of the beans. He thinks this has really hurt their chances at the Immunity Challenge. Foreshadow #2.

On Exile Island Terry's gathered some snails and coconut which he makes into a nice dish, browning the coconuts with EVOO and some chicken broth from a box. And it really looks like he's making beans. Maybe not. He says that he's more concerned about his team, hoping they can eat enough and stay hydrated. That's his biggest fear, that they won't be hydrated enough. Foreshadow #3.

Yeah

Terry rejoins his group for the Immunity Challenge and this one's fairly simple. Three members of the team have to take a boat out into the water. Underwater are coffins tied up. They have to untie the coffin, open it, then untie the skull inside. Once they have all four skull pieces from the coffins they make their way back to shore. On shore they'll hand the skulls over to two remaining tribe members who will put together the skull sets to form a pyramid, setting a gold skull on top. There's only one way the skulls will fit together to create the pyramid, so it could get tedius.

Must be hard since she's fighting the laws of buoyancy

When the challenge starts and the teams go out I'm happy to see Terry and Dan on the swim team. Since holding your breath is the key to this, having a Navy pilot and astronaut, respectively, on your team is definitely a good thing. And of course since Danielle has those floating devices attached to her she's going to have a bit more problems. Terry and Dan take a big lead over Danielle, Courtney and Aras, and at some point all three Casaya members are in the water trying to untie the coffins. When they get the coffins back to the shore Austin and Sally struggle a bit and Casaya catches up. Luckily, they don't pull ahead and Austin and Sally finish the pyramid first.

Can he please drop that boulder on her dreadlocked head

When the losers make it back to camp, they begin debating on who's going to be going home. Cirie sits with the alliance as they make their decisions. They decide to vote Bobby out, until Aras says he wants it to be Bruce. Because of their little confrontation earlier, he doesn't like Bruce's erratic behavior. Shane disagrees with that decision and thinks that Bruce will be loyal, as opposed to Bobby who will immediately turn once they merge. Was he listening to his interview earlier because he's exactly right. The other members of the alliance disagree and they decide on Bruce. Shane then goes to Bobby and tells him that it was going to be him voted out but they've decided on Bruce. He says that he wants his promise that he's loyal to Casaya and won't switch sides when the merge comes. Bobby swears and Shane wants him to swear on his (Shane's) kid. And why wouldn't he even if he's lying. That's a dumb thing to swear on. Anyway, Bobby swears on Shane's kid. Hell, I'll swear on Shane's kid. Unfortunately, the girls don't want Bruce to go, they want Bobby to go. Danielle has some off base impression that she's in charge of this and decides to vote Bobby out. Okay funbags, you don't have any say, you're just the one who said something first, you're not swaying anybody. Anyway, the girls beg Shane to change his mind. Of course he can't because he also swore on his kid that he wouldn't vote for Bobby. Okay, enough swearing on Shane's kid. It's getting old. Shane's pissed because he's flip flopping all over the place. Oh, and at some point nasty Courtney starts doing her yoga in Bruce's Zen garden, while he's building it. Seriously, why would you do that unless you were a bitch.

At Tribal Council it's not clear on who's going to get voted out. I'm really hoping it's Courtney but I'm not in charge of the voting. When Jeff learns about Winegate, he asks Bobby about it and he apologizes and says he didn't realize it was such a big deal. Honestly, neither did I, he was the one who basically won that challenge for them chopping off the fish heads. The group talks about how dysfunctional they are, but they normally come together when it's crunch time. Oh, except for the last challenge. When the voting begins we see that Shane casts a throwaway vote. When Jeff tallies the votes there's one for Aras, one for Courtney, two for Bruce, and three for Bobby.

AMERICAN IDIOT

So what the hell's in that Coke cup that sits in front of Paula? I mean, I know she can be a little loopy, and even a bit odd, but I don't think I've ever seen her as high/drunk as she was for last week's episodes. But this show is about the singing, so more on Paula's crazy ass later. I wasn't that impressed with the performances, from the girls and the guys. There were only a few that really had me thinking they had a good chance.

I think she took a sip of Paula's Coke too

The first girl to take the stage is Katharine McPhee. She sings "All In Love Is Fair" and does a fairly decent job. She has a great voice, and makes love to the camera. I can't get over how much she looks like Katie Holmes though. As happens with most people who go first, they all thought it sucked. They were a bit more eloquent then that, but that was what they basically thought.

That microphone looks like a Twizzler next to that mouth

Next up is Kevin, oh, I mean Kinnik. I don't mean to make fun, she seems like a really sweet guy, um, girl. She's dressed in a cute cowboy (wink wink) outfit with camouflage pants. I didn't think that could work, but it does. She sings "Here For the Party" and gets the crowd going. Guess what the judges say? They're not impressed. Seriously, I think they ate sh** cereal for breakfast or something. I thought it was good.

She needs to eat some Muslix or something

Lisa Tucker is next singing "Who's Loving You" and man someone should tell her to practice singing in front of a mirror. This is a cute girl and she's just doing her "ugly" face when she sings. I think she sounds good, but let's see what the judges think. Randy's not impressed and Paula's starting to feel her happy pills. Simon's somewhere in the middle and quite frankly, between Paula and Randy's not exactly where I'd like to be.

She's going with that Britney Spears "I'm not pregnant. Yes I am. No I'm not" look

Finally someone who pleasantly surprises me, Melissa McGhee, or as I like to call her, Amanda Bynes. She tears it up with "Why Haven't I Heard From You" and I'm thoroughly impressed. Someone pulled the sticks out of the judges asses because they liked it too although Simon thinks she doesn't connect with the audience. I think she just needs a bit more confidence. Paula then freaks the hell out and decides she doesn't want to sit next to Simon. He looks like he probably stinks, so I can't blame her, although I think it may be the downers talking.

I'm distracted by her ta-tas

Heather Cox comes up next and I can't get over her name. That must have "sucked" to have that last name in high school. She tries singing "Hero" by Mariah Carey and sings it with the same inflections that Mariah sings it. The judges bring up the good point that if you ain't Mariah, don't try and sing her songs. And trust, me, she doesn't sing it like Mariah. And Randy should know, he's worked with Mariah. I know people think this is a bunch of crap but I actually saw an interview with Mimi and she corroborated the story.

Can I just hit the bitch?

Do I really have to talk about this biatch Brenna? I know people may like her, but is this someone I ever want to see again much less buy an album from? Hell to the no. She sings "Last Dance" which I think is one of the best disco songs ever. She butchers it. I mean she took out a knife and stabbed Donna Summers in the stomach and gouged out her eyes. If she saw this performances she'd throw herself off the top of her 2 story building just to get away from the TV. Of course Brenna sticks her own head up her ass and tells everyone how wonderful it was and disagrees with the judges assessment that she sucked.

Awe look, Grandma came out

Cute Paris is up next but she looks like one of the old ladies at the church I went to when I was growing up. She sings "Wind Beneath My Wings". She has a great voice, so it's not like she doesn't sound great when she sings, but it's just weird hearing a 17 year old sing that when she's not in some beauty pageant or something. The judges like it, but think she should act her damn age.

Ayla likes to recycle prom dresses

Ayla Brown comes out next and we learn she's like all those goody-two shoes we hated in high school. She does sports, is Class President, captain of the debate squad, Homecoming and Prom Queen and is in the Honor Society. She sings "I Want You To Need Me". She's fine, nothing extraordinary. It's my understanding these girls dress themselves. I don't know where she wore this dress before, but she needs to burn it. It just doesn't do her any good. Paula and Randy like her performance and Randy gives her an underhand comment, telling her that she knows her strengths and weaknesses. Simon says that he thinks she's the kinda girl that is able to succeed in whatever she does. Yeah, like I said, I hated those girls in high school. She's probably dating the quarterback too. Bitch.

"Uh-huh, watch out!"

Kellie Pickler sings next, but before that, we're treated to the fact that she comes from some back hills place and doesn't know that squid is called "Cal-i-marrri". She's adorable but unfortunately she can't really sing. She tries to sing "Something To Talk About" and manages to get through it without being horrible, but I can't see buying her album. Paula and Randy thought it was great, and although Simon thinks the singing isn't great, people will vote for her because she's likable. That's true, I vote for her.

Fox Hills Mall
Culver City, CA 90230-6403

The last female performance is Mandisa. She chooses a Faith Hills song, "Cry". I love the way she does it and think she has one of the best voices in the competition. She really needs to stop shopping at Ross though and go over to Fox Hills Mall and hit up that Lane Bryant. Paula thinks it was great and although Randy agrees, he thinks there were some spots that weren't great. Simon thinks it was good too and makes some dumb analogy about it. All in all the girls' performances were fairly boring. I wasn't dancing around to any of them and I pray to the Lords of Kobol that bitch Brenna gets voted out. Again, I vote for everyone so she's less likely to be kept in, and so I can complain about her later.

I know, just wrong, but really separated at birth

The next night is the guys and they're not much better. I'm getting pretty bored and want the final twelve to be announced. I just don't have the patience to listen to 20 people a week sing, when less than a third of them sound nice. I do have to give it to the guys though, I think they have better singers then the girls.

Ah, Taylor

Taylor Hicks comes out and tells everyone to stand up. Oh yeah, we're in for a treat, he's gonna tear it up. Wait, he's singing "Easy". That's a bit embarrassing, everyone's no on their feet swaying to this sad ass song. I love the song normally but I'm pissed because he told me to get up and this is totally NOT a get up sorta song. Taylor does sing it fairly well. Again I have to close my eyes when he sings because he does that weird Ray Charles impersonation. Of course the judges noshed on bitch bread before they came out and think Taylor was just "okay". I'm not saying he was the greatest either but the judges are usually all over that like R Kelly at a Girl Scouts meeting.

"They're magically delicious"

Elliott Yemin is next and I feel the pressure. Last week Simon said he had the potential to be the best male singer in Idol history. That's a lot to take in but I'm confident this won't go to Elliott's head. He sings "Moody's Mood For Love" and I have no idea what the hell he's saying through most of the lyrics. His voice sounds fine but I'm so not into that kind of music. The judges think Elliott just cured cancer because they just love the performance. Randy even stands up and claps. That's saying a lot to get that big man out of his seat. Simon does say that songs like that won't win him the title of Miss America- ah, American Idol, but he really liked the performance.

For some reason Simon's just not responding to this

Ace decides to wreck any career he may have by singing the dumbest American Idol song, "If I'm Not Made For You" by Daniel Bettingfield. This song does nothing for him but prove that he sucks. I didn't even like the original but at least I could turn that off when it came on. Okay, so technically I could have turned this off too, but I didn't. You know my roommate was watching it and all. I don't mind looking at Ace, even if his face is funny shaped. Because the judges are still high from Elliott's performance, Randy and Paula thought it was fine. It's only Simon's reasonable head that lets everyone else in on the secret that it sorta sucked. After Ace is done he throws his trusted beanie hat to one of the Idol girls in the front row. Brenna practically tackles it so she can get a few more minutes on television. I'm gonna drive down to Hollywood Center Studios or wherever the hell they tape this and kick her in the cooch. I'd feel better.

I don't want to make fun of Gedeon, I like him

Sweet Gedeon is next and I want to vote him through just because of what Simon said last week about his smile bothering him. He sings a boring song, "A Change is Gonna Come" but he does a good job. He's very throw back to the early Motown era. If he put out an album of Motown hits I would definitely think about buying it and then illegally download it later. Randy's again ambivalent and says he worked it out in the end. Paula of course is on her love wagon so she liked it, and Simon agrees with me that he's a Barry Gordy throw back.

I can't deal with Chicken Little

Next up is Kevin Covais This poor kid, why is he still in this. I mean he can hold a tune, but he stands there like he's sitting on a yard stick and he has that awful lisp. And dear God, he's singing "Heard It Through The Grapevine". He just stands there all stiff and tries to get through a Marvin Gaye song. It's really sad, but Randy thinks Kevin can really sing. He's going over to Paula's dark side because she thinks Kevin is just great. Simon's not as enthused about it.

"Isss that okay?"

Sway is next and he sings "Overjoyed" and I'm not. Why people try to sing Stevie I have no frakin' idea. Plus, this is the week of sad love songs or something. At least he didn't sing it all high like he did last week, although I kinda wish he had. It sorta feels like he's trying too hard, looking at the judges out of the corner of his eye. He just doesn't have the confidence and I think if he had that, he'd be great. I'm not surprised when the judges don't care for it either. I do like Sway, he just needs a few more weeks to get his confidence.

I'd totally be out in 18 months for good behavior

Will Maker comes out and I again feel like I may go to jail. He's just so damn cute. Lookin' like a Brady and all. He sings "Lady" and he's not half bad. He needs to move a bit because he's standing there stiff as a board. Randy thinks it was okay and Paula likes his tone. And by tone she means his cute young butt. Simon thinks his audience will be 11 year old girls. I guess I'm eleven because I think he's adorable (jail bait).

Next we have North Caroline native Bucky Covington. Something about this guy I really like, especially when he talks about no sweet tea in Los Angeles. That's so true, what the hell is that about? He sings Garth Brooks "Thunder Rolls". He's perfect for this song and I think he tears it up. All three judges actually agree and like Bucky. Simon points out that he's sincere and I completely agree with him.

"No, not you. You"

Poor David Radford is next and his dimple kill me (jail bait). He sings "The Way You Look Tonight" which is a really sweet song that just doesn't work. The kid's got a decent voice but I am so over the whole crooner thing. Randy and Paula agree that it wasn't great and I think the poor kid's gonna cry. Simon wasn't impressed either and I'm about to cry for the poor guy. He holds it together though as Ryan does his little vote for him speech.

I love this guy

The final singer of the night is Chris Daughtry and he tears it up with a Fuel song. He has the charisma, the chops, the looks, everything that Idol's about. I love it and so do the judges. Simon thought it was the only true performance of the night, and I gotta give it to him, he's right. I vote for him about eight times.

Finally we get to elimination night the best part isn't who gets kicked out, it's Paula. Man, this bitch was drunk or high, or both. I don't know half the things she said and even the cool headed Ryan quipped that they didn't know what the hell she was talking about. She then went on a hitting spree and was doing those girly slaps on Simon. Really, they need to monitor her before a show and makes sure she's not slipping anything. They should turn her mike off or something.

I'm not gonna beat around the bush, that bitch Brenna finally got voted out. Ah-ha, no one likes you but four or five people and they're all related to you. I'm not crying but I think she wants to. She tries to put on a happy front and encourages Clive Davis to call her so they can make a record together. Yeah, I'm sure what he wants right now is another diva. At least Mariah and Whitney can back that up. The next girl to go is Heather Cox. Who? Yeah, I don't know either.

The first boy to leave is David Radford. I'm not really surprised and he looks like he's gonna cry again. I mean the kid's only what? Seventeen? I don't blame him. The next choice of guys is between Sway and Kevin. Easy choice here right? I'd choose Kevin to go in a heart beat. Unfortunately my three votes for Sway didn't "sway" the votes enough. Ha, get it? Sway, "sway"? Yeah. I just want to make it to the top 12. After the next elimination we'll finally be there.