TRASHY IS AS TRASHY DOES

Ha, you wish buddy.

I don't know what it says about me, but I watch a lot of TV. And, I watch a lot of trashy TV. Although, I like to call it "Trashtastic".

My latest Trashtastic fave is Rock of Love 2. Of course, I'll probably change that once I watch Celebrity Rehab. I only caught the second half of the pilot last weekend so I can't say it's my favorite yet, although, seeing a high (?) Jeff Conoway's butt crack is pretty damn exciting. I mean not exciting like in the hot way, yuck. Exciting as in the dear baby Jesus what the hell happened to him way.

Anyway, to my current Trashtastic love affair. I don't think I wrote about this before, and I don't know why I didn't. It's heaven. And when I say heaven I mean the whorish, trashiest, almost sad, but too good to be sad, piece of reality show filth that's come out in a long long time. I'm not counting the sad crusty Tila Tequila which I refused to watch.

So the premise... (I sorta feel dirty already)

Bret Michaels, of Poison fame, wants to find love. In fact, a few months ago he did this dating show that brought 20 sexy (trampy) girls together in a house and had him choose which one would "rock his world". Think The Bachelor, but instead of there being a hot Navy guy, Firestone heir, etc., it's Bret Michaels. And instead of 20 teachers, lawyers, assistants, nurses, it's 20 skanks, half of them are strippers, porn stars or waitresses (not that there's anything wrong with waitresses) and the other half are between job hos that look like Trashtastic Barbie. Oh, that would be awesome if they made that. I bet she'd look like this...

So, at the start of the show Bret tells us how he was heartbroken last year when his #1 Ho broke his heart. Now he's back and ready for love, and to get paid again by VH1. Remember when VH1 played awesome New Kids on the Block videos? I'm old. Not as old as Bret though, although he tries to convince us that he's 40. Dude, you are so not forty. Maybe ten years ago. Anyway, he gets to the house and he's greeted by the 20 slutty, er, lovely, girls. They're stoked to see Bret (walking) since they've been fans forever. Some longer then others.

He chooses some hos to be his VIP group and they marvel in the attention Bret has given them right from the start. He likes them as much as he likes his wig. And let me tell you, he and his wig are best friends. If you watched the show last season, which of course I did, you would have noticed that Bret was never seen without his trusty bandana. Or his leopard print leather pants, but that's a story for another time. Little do these girls know that it doesn't matter who he sees first, all that matters is whose tongue in in his mouth last.

Wha-? Huh?

The girls go around the house and choose their rooms. Yawn. And then they have their photo session with Bret. Any other show this would be a fun time for Bret to get to know each girl, see how confident she is taking pictures, but no, it's a slut off. I love slut offs. I always win. Anyway, they start out tame enough, with the girls doing the finger in the mouth, skanky, but ok, not bad. But the ante goes way up when one hobag from France comes in and lifts her shirt up for the picture. And that's not enough, she lifts her big underwire bra up to her neck. And take it from me, that is not comfortable. France is bringing it. And Bret likes it. Of course he does, he wants to find true love. And what says true love more then showing your coconuts to a man you've just met.

Classy.

All the girls also take this time to stick their tongues in Bret's mouth. Except one girl, who I'll call Princess. Princess is actually my hero, sorta. She tells Bret that she's sort of a germaphobe, and she doesn't like kissing him after all those girls. Honey, that's not called being a germaphobe, that's calling not waiting to get The Clap. I know, I know, but you should see these girls. At this point Bret is both appalled and intrigued. Because he would be.

After Annie Lebowitz takes his Pulitzer Prize winning photos everyone retires to the pool area for a nice gathering of the minds. Ha, sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face. So they go to get sh*tfaced and try and screw Bret. Man, this show is so good. He gets some face time with his four VIP girls who just giggle and make out with him. They are totally in. Well, maybe. One of the girls tries to have a meaningful conversation with Bret, but her downfall is when she mentions that everything she knows she's learned from myspace. Of course, she didn't mention that it's how to slut out.

As Bret tries to get face time with all the girls a few of them are a little shy. I mean, it is quite overwhelming. But in this game you have to be able to go over to him and sit on his lap, naked, in front of the other 19 girls and the entire crew. Or you can go into the living room where the stripper pole, yes, stripper pole, is set up and do a little dancing. Bret loves that.

Bret then has to go make his decision. Which sluts to keep and which to get rid of. Of course the ones that didn't sit on his face are out. Oh, and the one he didn't get to meet because she got so wasted she passed out on the couch. Trust me honey, you made the right decision. Alcohol poisoning is a much better option then hanging out with Bret.

As to be expected, during the elimination ceremony he chooses the crazy hos and the ones whose jubblies he got a good look at. And thankfully he keeps the Princess, since she intrigues hm. I mean, he's never met a woman who didn't want to swap spit with him in the first ten seconds.

The last girl he chooses though, she tells him that she doesn't think she's cut out for this, wishes him luck, and leaves. Good for you girl, leave while you have at least some of your dignity. That leaves Bret to choose between an old girl or his smart myspace girl. He decides to go with the old girl. Even Bret has standards.

So, this season, I can tell, will be better then last, especially because Bret tells us that he's looking for someone to connect with on a spiritual level. And by spiritual he means dirty sexual. This show isn't for everybody, and if you have any self respect you'll probably need a really strong stomach. But if you have these two things and can laugh at dumb hos running around naked and trying to impress a bald has been hair band singer, then by all means, do it. It's TRASHTASTIC!

AMAZING RACE

Thought you'd like a trip down memory lane. Hahah. Doucebags.

I've been a very bad girl. I'm VERY behind on The Race. In fact, I'm 3 episodes behind. I'm told the finale is this Sunday. I'm going to catch up tomorrow and try to do a quick recap on Friday before the finale. I can't believe it's been three weeks and I don't know who's been kicked out yet!!!

AMERICAN IDOL

As you can see, I've abandoned all attempt to come up with a witty name for my posts. But, in my defense, there's really nothing worth coming up with that could ever describe that which is... (say it with me Ryan Seacrest) AMERICAN IDOL.

I'm sure everyone and their mothers (including mine) knows that the first few episodes is all about the auditions. Talk about formulaic. I don't think Idol has ever gotten an overhaul. Not that it needs it, but to be doing the same thing for seven season and still have the numbers they do. Sorry, I had ratings envy there for a second.

It's hard to even describe what goes on in the early days of an Idol season. Actually, that's not true, it's quite easy. Randy, Simon and Paula go to different cities, sometimes Ryan is there, and thousands of people parade in front of them, and typically, no more then 40 or so make it to Hollywood. So as you can imagine, it's a lot of horrible singers and one or two good ones every ten minutes. The first few years this happened I was enthralled, but now it's just kind of embarrassing.

The highlights for me though...

And this.. is Temptress

First, Temptress. Dear Lord I hope I find a picture of her. Let me describe though. Poor sweet Temptress (yes, that's her real name) is a sixteen year old in a gold shawl. To help you get the idea, in case you couldn't picture her so far (and from the picture I found above), she's also a middle linebacker for her high school football team. I am praying to all that is holy that this girl can sing because although I don't think she would ever win, no offense to her, I'd at least like to give her a confidence booster. Unfortunately Temptress lived up to her name and didn't fulfill my fantasy. She's awful. And then she starts crying, and I have to admit, I was crying a bit too. Luckily Randy and Paula, and eventually Simon, comforted her and even took her back outside to her awaiting family.

There were a few good performances, especially the one of the woman who was a teen mother and who's now 8 or 9 year old daughter is suffering from a disease similar to Cerebral Palsy. She had her whole family there and they spent five minutes talking about how everyone supported her and they showed clips of her taking care of her adorable daughter. I totally got weepy again. And I thought this girl better be able to blow. Seriously, I can't have another Temptress moment. Thank the Lords of Kobol she could.

And they really let some crazies in again this year. First the woman who showed up with sparkles all over her face and acting like she was high. And then when Simon let her down easy (by his standards) she went on a tirade about him and gave the camera the finger(s) and cursed. Of course there was the semi-Paul stalker who had to be escorted out by security. The guy who showed up in a Princess Leia gold bikini outfit and who Paula sent to get his (chest) hair waxed. They tried to recreate the 40 Year Old Virgin scene by showing the guy getting his chest hair ripped out, but it wasn't funny, it was cruel and unusual. And the douchebag just wanted to be on TV, as Simon rightfully pointed out.

Then, at the end of the night, my favorite of the night, was this sorry lady dressed in a Star Wars costume. But, unlike the hairy guy from earlier, she was in a made up Star Wars costume, and it wasn't even that inventive. She had Leia's hair buns, but they were clip ons. And they weren't even clipped on well. I have to admit, she wasn't BAD. Now, she wasn't good either, but she wasn't as bad as some we've seen. She was stiff, and awkward, and nerdy, but not in a good way. And trust me, I know nerdy. After she got rejected in, again, a nice way, she went on a tirade and talked about how if she had come in all made up looking like a cookie cutter singer she would have made it. Um, no. And then, the best, as she's going on and on about how Idol only looks for one particular person, the stereotypical IT guy or girl, they do a great montage of all the people who have gotten through, and, for the most part, aren't what this girl is describing. There's tall, short, fat, skinny, black, white, Hispanic, ugly. It was a great moment and I'm sure, watching it back, the girl is mortified. She needs some therapy anyway, so maybe this will push her into a program.

Speaking of therapy, it's worth mentioning, most of the people at the auditions had a gaggle of people with them for support. That begged the question, did this group of people actually encourage their loved one to come out and audition. Like poor Temptress. Did her family tell her she had a good voice? There was more then one person who said people had told them they sounded like, fill in the blank amazing person, and they sounded either nothing like that famous person or like shite. Normally both. So boo on all you friends and family who told this person they could sing when clearly they can't.

As I said, it's the same old Idol, but with the writers' strike going on, there really isn't as much out there as there normally would be. And good move by ABC to move Lost to Thursdays, so it won't have any competition and the lovely Eli Stone can come right after. I miss scripted shows.

ELI STONE

In the coveted, or at least, used to be coveted spot after Lost's premiere, Thursday, January 31st is a new show called Eli Stone. I had the privilege of watching this show a few months ago when all the pilots were shopped around Hollywood. Haha, look at me, being all Hollywood. I hate that. Anyway, I watched the show and it was actually my favorite in the bunch. Of course, this from the girl who HATED Moonlight and now loves it. But, in my defense, the Moonlight pilot was completely reworked and turned from shite into, uh, not shite.

Anyway, I digress. If you're not reeling from the amazingness of Lost, try and watch Eli Stone. It's like a Jerry Maguire-esque show with a cute twist. And ex-Mr. Angelina Jolie, Jonny Lee Miller is kinda the hotness. He works that receding hairline like nobody's business.

LOST RETURNS

In two short weeks (Thursday January 31st) a major event will be happening. Lost will finally return after nearly nine months. I could have had a Lost baby by now. Of course, this won't compare to my time away from my darling Jack Bauer which hopefully won't be too much longer. My heart aches just thinking about my Jack.

Anyway, on to another Jack. I've seen a bunch of promos for the new season and there's even a video diary of one of the castaways' boyfriend, who wasn't on the flight but is looking into what could have happened. Kinda like Penny maybe, but not as interesting. I'm not sure I want to watch it, the boyfriend's diary I mean. I don't know why. This whole them getting rescued thing has me feeling a little woozy. Not that I think they're getting rescued, and not that I wanted them to be hopeless the whole series, but still, I'm not good with change.

One of two things will happen. With the death of Charlie (yawn), Locke going AWOL, the people coming to rescue them and Jack's end of the season flash FORWARD, it will either be so amazing I'm going to strip off all my clothes and run down Hollywood Blvd. yelling at the top of my lungs how much I love the show or I'll shoot myself in the foot and demand they send me to a hospital without a television because I'll be so depressed it went so wrong.

Maybe I'll settle for something in the middle. But like all blind dates (at least the ones I've had) what will probably happen is I'll get all excited about it and then when it actually happens I'll be let down and then have to pay for dinner. Let's hope not.