The show starts and the silly "fans" are on a canoe, there are ten of them. They're making their way to the beach. At this point I would look around and see that there were only ten people and start wondering WTF was going on. Either they've edited out the people wondering what the deuce, or they are truly idiots. I'm thinking they're idiots.
When they finally get to the beach they get on their mat and Jeff announces that they're already in their team, and lets the "favorites" come out one at a time. There are some light cheers for some people, and some people flip out. My "favorites" of course are Ozzy and James. I love these two. Hey, remember when Survivor was racist? Good times. I mean, not so much. And the last person they announce is Jonny "DoucheBag" Fairplay. And seriously, can I just name myself something dumb and people start calling me it like it's my real name. Please, I'd like that. I'm going to call myself Goddess of all things Holy and Good. GATHG for short. Okay, that's not short, but you can just call me Goddess. How did this DB end up a "favorite"? Eh.
Take that!
The first challenge is running/swimming over to a nearby island and getting to the team canoe. The good thing about this challenge is there's an Immunity Idol somewhere in the area and the person who finds it can't be voted off at the next council. The nice camera person shows us that the idol is on the front of the boat. The teams then race to the other beach. Ozzy does his cute little dolphin thing, but one of the fans beats him and they all start looking around. I thought this was going to be obvious, but everyone makes it to the beach without anyone finding them. Finally, DB finds the one on the boat first. He then decides to get the other idol on the other boat, which I think is a great idea. I mean, if I liked DB. He goes for it, but Yau-Man sees it as well and nearly tackles DB. Yay Yau!!!!! Give it to him good! In DB's download, he's all pissy because he thinks it's not nice to tackle him for an idol. You're supposed to be a professional wrestler DOUCHE! This man is 80, don't tell me he hurt you. And most importantly, YOU ALREADY HAVE AN IDOL. Man I hate this guy. So Yau gets the idol, love. But, DB dropped the other one, and walked away???? Yau spots a fan, Kathleen, and tells her to hurry and pick it up. She does, and gets the other idol. I'm so confused right now. All things will be revealed later.
So the teams then go to their separate beaches. The favorites come together and build shelter, make some fire, get some food, and do all they need to do because they're old hat at this. James likes that there's all these people with a good work ethic. He also like Parvati, who's only claim to fame on her season is that her name sounds like poverty and she's sorta slutty. James is okay with that. Another little love connection is between Amanda and Ozzy. How much do I love this? I love it a lot. The only problem with this is you know what happens when people start bonding? They become a threat and people want to vote off one of the two. Everyone is noticing these connection and I'm sure they're starting to think the same thing. Oh, and DB is being a DB. DB.
Over at the fans camp, they're not doing so good. They don't know how to build a shelter, they haven't had food, water or fire, and it rains a lot there. I mean it rains a lot for the others too, but it really affects these guys because they don't have a good shelter. Luckily they aren't complete idiots because they put out things to catch the rainwater. Speaking of idiots, the woman who got the immunity idol, Kathleen, is one. She asks the (obviously) gay man if he's a homosexual. Actually, she doesn't ask, she just announces it as if she's Ellen. Do you remember that? Best TV moment. He tries not to curse out this homophobe since she is on his team. The rest of the team then talks about what a big mouth this woman has. I actually kind of like her. She's not mean, at all, yet, she just doesn't know when to shut the hell up. Can't fault her for that, and she knows she does it.
"I can't remember, am I a douchebag? Yes."
Before they go to the Immunity Challenge the favorites talk about who they want to vote out. Slow your roll people, you don't even know who wins the challenge. Jonathan, Yau-Man, and two bitches I don't know, Eliza and Ami, decide to vote out Parvati. I can't say that's a bad choice, we know she's part of the James/Amanda/Ozzy group. Back with my favorite group, they decide to vote out Eliza, because she's kinda of a biatch from her season. I don't know, I didn't watch that one. Now, we have these two groups of four, and the people who are the outsiders are Douchebag and Cirie. Remember Cirie? I didn't. I mean, I remember her from her season, but I certainly forgot she was even playing the game. Hey girl, how's it going?
This is when the true ignorance and stupidity of this tribe starts. James' group tells DB that they plan to vote out Eliza. And if that isn't bad enough, when DB does what DBs do and tells the other alliance that Eliza is out, they tell DB what their plans are. Seriously? Just dumb. Now DB thinks he's the shite because the other teams actually trust him. I kinda agree with him when he says that they're kinda dumb to trust him of all people. Jonathan tries to make up for it by telling us that he'd love to take DB to the finals because nobody would vote for him. Sure Einstein, nobody would vote for him, but if you align with him in the first day, he will screw you over! No please, please, align with him, I really want you to.
So it's finally time for the first Immunity Challenge. I'm already over it. The favorites act all high and mighty like they know what's coming, and the fan's just stare at the other people with their mouth open and spit coming out. You know, because they're so in love with the other team. But don't get me wrong, they want to kick their asses, but they want to do it in a respectable way. The challenge starts and I tune out. Really, these are not fun anymore. Guess what? It's a puzzle. Oh, and guess what? It's an obstacle course. Boring. It does get exciting though when the favorites move a little too slowly, okay a lot too slowly, and the fans really kick their asses. The best part of the whole thing is when Eliza gets thrown out of the cart. She annoys me.
The fans actually win, by a large margin, and kinda stuffs it in the favorites face. Kinda dig it. The favorites go back and mope a bit as the fans think their shite don't stink. Trust me, give it a few days, it will. Now it's time to figure out who to kick out. I really don't understand why one of the teams doesn't pull Cirie into their voting. I guess this is kind of how she played the game originally, so why fix it if it ain't broken. Oh yeah, I know why, because you lost!
DB tells us in his download that he's missing his girlfriend who is pregnant with their little girl. That would be sweet if I didn't think they were all losers. Do you know who his girlfriend is? She's that idiot from America's Next Top Model, cycle 4 or 5 that had that skin rash on her forehead, oh yeah, and was ugly. I mean good for them for making some ugly ass babies. DB tells Parvati this and she says that he should pretend to the other team like he's going to leave and ask them to vote for him. Then all the rest of the group will vote for Eliza. Let's forget for a second that this will probably get DB voted out and I am ALL for that. Parvati, the other group is voting for someone you guys aren't voting for anyway, so who cares if they vote for DB or not. This would have been awesome if this was her way of voting out DB, because that would be brilliant. But as we've learned, she's not brilliant.
DB goes back to Jonathan's group and tells the unsuspecting dumbasses that he wants to quit. They all do their, "awe, don't quit, you're the only big enough assh*le I can win against". Jonathan, I think, has a moment of doubt, but really, when would you ever think this is a good plan? They all go to tribal and it's out in the middle of the water. Kinda sweet.
Jeff immediately talks to DB about how he's doing and DB admits that he just wants to go home. You know, DB is the kind of guy who at a party has this funny as hell practical joke that everyone laughs at. But then, about an hour later, he's still talking about it and you just want to beat the shite out of him. Yeah, that's DB. Anyway, DB says that he just wants to see his girlfriend and kid and wants to be voted out. Jeff tries to get it out of him whether or not this is a gag, and he says that it's not. I'm still wondering though. Then it's time to vote.
Thank the Lords of Kobol they decide to vote this douchebag out. He seems happy about it, and I wonder if he doesn't understand that he won't get the first flight out of Micronesia. He gets sequestered until the entire show is over in a little hut type area that's very similar to where he just was, but he won't get a million dollars at the end. I'm just happy the douche is gone.
