THE AMAZING RACE!

It's that time of year again! Amazing Race time. I'm so happy. My Sundays are whole again. Happy dance!

"Over there is the ass who told you all to wear different colors"

We're starting off in my current town, LA, in the LA river. Um, gross. If you've ever been to LA you know that the LA river is a cesspool. Yeah, they shot Terminator 2 and Grease there but that was 20 years ago! Now all they film there are bodies. Haha, get it, because people die there.

Here's who we have...

Sam and Dan, brothers, who are gay. They came out to each other on the same day. Could you imagine that conversation? If they weren't brothers I'd be imagining them making out. I guess I can still do that right?

Eric and Lisa, yoga instructors. Hate them. Old people who think they're young annoy me.

Brian and Ericka, married couple. She was Miss American in 2004. I'm a little biased, I already like them because they're an interracial couple. Plus they should be fun TV when she starts yelling at him during stressful moments. Don't tell me you can't see that happening?!

Garrett and Jessica. Dating on and off. Something tells me it'll be OFF when this is over. She's from Columbia, so she's fiery! And predictable.

Gary and Matt, father and son. Gary wasn't around for Matt like he should have been when he was growing up. I love them already. Crappy relationships that hope The Race will make them better makes me happy.

Herbert and Nathaniel, Harlem Globetrotters who go by the names The Big Easy and Flight Time. They have an advantage of already working together, but it's just for the Harlem Globetrotters so how stressful can that be? I love them.

Lance and Keri, engaged. He's a lawyer so I already want him to fail. Plus he has a handkerchief on his arm like a douchebag arm tattoo. He's going to be yelling at her at some point and I'll feel sorry for her until she starts yelling at him and then I'll hate them both.

Marcy and Ron, token old people who are newly dating, probably after a few years on E-Harmony. They'll either rock or be completely annoying.

Meghan and Cheyne (pronounced Shane), longtime dating. Just his name makes me want to punch him, but they have cute banter in their opening interview so I'm holding off judging them, but leaning towards hating them. More on them later.

Maria and Tiffany, best friends and competitive poker players. And when I say competitive poker players I mean like these bitches have won money, lots of it. Since they're the only all girl team I assume the editors will make us hate them.

Zev and Justin. Zev has Asperger Syndrome, which anyone who watches Top Model already knows. Basically he doesn't recognize social cues. Because of this people will ASSume he's being a dick, when he's not. Something about this team I already like. Please stay that way.

Mika and Canaan, newly dating. They bore me already. I'm holding back judgement until I see them more, which a fair person would do with all of the couples, but I'm a fickle bitch.

On to The Race! Phil is with them and he gives his normal first episode speech. But, in a twist, he tells us that this year someone will be eliminated at the START of the race. Oh Phil how you tease me so! I love this. I normally don't form any type of bond with people until a few shows in but I found myself, 5 minutes into this, not wanting teams to get eliminated.

The challenge, there in the LA basin, is sorting through a couple hundred license plates for the ones with the Japanese symbols (printed on the top of their clue!) and then once Phil approves he'll give them tickets for their first leg, to Japan. This starts and immediately I'm wondering what kind of idiot doesn't see the plates with Japanese writing on them. What I eventually figure out is some of them have the writing on them, but not all of them have the correct writing (printed on the top of the clue!).

Teams start figuring this out and bringing them to Phil who gives them their tickets. The teams that I'm hoping aren't eliminated are Gary and Matt, father and son, the Harlem Globetrotters, the interracial couple, and the guy with Asperger Syndrome. Luckily, they don't get eliminated. The yoga couple does. Watch my single tear.

Now it's on to the flights. Living in LA I sorta miss the mad dash to the airport to secure your own flight, but the elimination in the beginning made up for that. At the airport people begin meeting each other and the poker players begin their long con, pretending they work for a non profit homeless youth organization in Los Angeles. They say they don't want people to think they don't need the money and if they make up a good enough lie then people will actually want to help them. Can't say I don't agree with this, although people will be gunning for you once they realize you lied. But, it's all good TV.

The teams are on two flights to Japan and the second to leave actually gets in early enough to catch up. Everyone is on their way to Tokyo Tower Studios. When they start arriving they're whisked away to a taping of a Japanese game show. I love this. Japanese game shows are crazy. Like crazy. We start realizing that the show won't start until everyone arrives, which is odd since the other plane could have gotten in way later and everyone would have just been standing around with Japanese people yelling "Wasabi!".

Anyway, everyone gets there and they begin the game. Roadblock! It's a roulette/food challenge. One person from each team must stand in front of the roulette table and when the wheel stops they eat whatever's in front of them. If it's a wasabi bomb then they have to finish it within two minutes. If they do, they can get a clue and move on. If they don't, they have to start all over again and wait for another wasabi bomb. And let me just tell you, these things look massive. Basically it's just seaweed with a little rice, like a hand roll, and a f*ckin lotta wasabi on and in it. You have to play until you get and finish a wasabi bomb in the allotted time.

The teams start eating their balls, haha, sorry, and one by one they begin leaving. And then the first time Karma rears her gorgeous head. Maria, one of the poker player can't eat the wasabi ball and after trying to choke it down gets to the last second and last bite and fails. She has to wait to get another ball before trying again. Unfortunately it falls on her and she has to go again right away. I really wish I felt sorry for her, but these girls have been getting on my last nerve. Thanks a lot editors!!!! Your evil trick is working! She eventually gets it down and they fun off. Brian, the guy married to Miss America 2004 can't do it either and has to go again. This makes them the last to leave.

Once they all leave the studio they have to take twenty tourists around Tokyo and find Phil at the Pit Stop. This is easier said then done since 1,000,000 people walk through this one intersection A DAY. Yes, A DAY! You also have to show up with all of your people.

The gay brothers, Sam and Dan team up with the poker players, oddly enough each team is lying to the other hoping to get in their good graces and ironically, it's working. The girls think Sam and Dan are cute, not realizing they're barking up the wrong tree. And sisters, let me tell you, that is not fun. And the guys think they're helping these nice girls who work for a non profit organization. So it's a lose/lose situation all around.

Brian and Ericka (Miss America 2004) find an American (or Canadian!) who leads them to Phil and they wind up checking in 6th. The old people are running around and the woman keeps skipping and hopping. Too bad she's going the wrong way. She's annoying. (ha, predicted!)

Back off bitch!

The Poker Players get to the Pit Stop but they have lost two people. We get a shot from the sneaky cameraman where the girls left their ladies at the crazy intersection. Those women just weren't having it anymore. Eventually, because they know they're last, the girls go see Phil. All the other teams are standing around, which is weird. Phil announces that they will get a two hour penalty in their next leg, yes, this was non elimination! Wow Phil, you are just full of surprises tonight! I love you.

In the next leg the teams start leaving just after midnight and are told they need to go to Vietnam. Some teams stop off at Internet cafes or their hotels to book flights while Matt and Gary (father and son), Meghan and Cheyne (Shane) and Brian and Ericka go to the airport. Maria and Tiffany are last to leave at 3am. This is where I get a bit confused. They leave three hours after everyone, but when they get to the airport the three teams who went straight there are still at the counter. I'm thinking the counter didn't open until a certain time but Phil didn't say that. What's up with that Phil, I thought we were friends.

Brian then starts to negotiate with the lady, asking if there are business class seats they can buy for the economy rate. At first I thought this was completely idiotic until I realized that if the plane is about to leave and the airline can make at least a few grand on these eight people, they will. Brian's not too happy the poker players are there, but regardless, they get seats.

As they're waiting in line to get on the plane the poker players ask a man for help, but instead he totally crushes them by asking them if they are the world famous poker players from America. Busted! Yes, Tiffany admits that she came in number two or four or whatever and the gay brothers hear this and are pissed. Word spreads. Hahaha.

Once they land they have to take a bus to some Vietnamese village. Half the teams get on one bus, but the other half, with Matt and Gary and Brian and Ericka get on a second bus. Matt realizes that the bus with the other team is leaving and that they will all be at least an hour behind the other groups. Brian (again!) negotiates with the bus driver, saying that they'll pay for all of the seats if they can leave now, which, completely fraks the people who need to take that bus home or to work, but hey, this is for a million freakin' dollars. I'd like to point out that on this bus ride Zev notices a man on the bus who is drenched with no coat, so he GIVES HIM HIS COAT! I do like this team.

Even though they've closed the lead, it's all for nothing though, because when they get to their next stop it doesn't open until the morning. As they all camp out that night Maria comments that Zev and Justin are their least favorite team. Of course they are you douchebag, they're nice! Granted, she didn't actually see him give the guy his coat because they were on a different bus, but you know they talked about it later.

When the dock finally opens they find they have to take a raft across the river to some mud pits. Ah, this must be why some teams are muddy in their interviews. Once at the pits they have to cover the tree pits with mud up to a red line.

And this is where the speed bump is for the poker players who were last at the Pit Stop. It's some lame ass thing of getting soup for some guy on the river. It's dumb, like most of the speed bumps, and it takes them what looks like ten minutes to do.

Meghan and Cheyne are in the lead and then when he steps in the mud he sinks down to his waist and hilarity ensues. Other teams arrive and also bitch and complain. All except Matt and Gary who say that they're used to the mud. Meghan and Cheyne finish first, and I'm starting to really like them. They didn't bicker, worked real well together, and they're cute. So we'll see. The next clue says to travel by foot to a field. So they get on the boat and head back to shore.

Zev and Justin finish up with only the poker players still doing the task and Justin falls into the water. They laugh about it until they realize, thankfully right after they pull away from the dock, that Justin doesn't have the clue. They hurry back and quickly find it, but the girls have now finished the task and are getting to their boat.

Next is a Roadblock, done by only one member of the team. They have to herd some ducks from their pen, over a bridge, and then back over the bridge and into the pen again. They have ten minutes to do this and then they have to relinquish their spot and wait for another available course.

Meghan, Jessica and Ericka all try it and fail the first time. Flight Time, Matt and Sam all are able to do it and get a clue that tells them to race down the street to the next Pit Stop. Meanwhile the women start again with the men screaming at them in frustration. Zev decides to be calm and Zen-like with the ducks after noticing how poorly the women are doing running after the ducks. Justin calls him the duck whisperer. Haha, I do love these guys. It takes Maria two times to get the ducks corralled but she does it.

Over at the Pit Stop, Sam and Dan almost come in first but it's Matt and Gary (!!!) who hop on the mat and win kayaks. Boring! Gary says that this is all bringing him closer to his son. Everyone else starts to roll in, including Maria and Tiffany (boo!). The last two people at the ducks is Ericka and Jessica (who? oh yeah, on and off dating). Ericka finishes seconds before Jessica and they all run looking for the Pit Stop. Ericka and Brian find it first! Yay! Bye Jessica and Garrett (who?) I hardly knew you.

Until next time!!!!!

FLASHFORWARD

This show gives me a hard on. Until my Jack comes back in January, I'm allowed to cheat a little, right? I mean, Jack is off somewhere hopefully getting cured so what good am I to him now.

Like I was saying.

Until my Jack returns I will have to do my happy dance for someone else. His name is Mark Bendford. He's played by the delicious Joseph Fiennes who, unfortunately, isn't speaking with his British accent. Of course, if he was, I'd have to watch it while taking a cold shower. Although I know the second episode has aired, I've only watched the pilot and holy Mary mother of God, it was pretty freakin' good. Very reminiscent of the Lost pilot.

Long story short, FBI agent Mark (hottie) Bendford is chasing a terror subject when he suddenly wakes up in an upside down SUV. He gets out and realizes that the city around him as gone to shite. Airplanes have crashed, cars have run over people, buildings are on fire (not sure how some of those happen though) and everyone is standing around with a "WTF just happened?" look. Mark soon realizes, with everyone else, that everyone in the entire world had a blackout for about two minutes.

In Mark's blackout he's at FBI headquarters, swigging on a flask and looking at a board filled with what looks like clues in an investigation. Suddenly, masked men with assault riffles enter the room and Mark pulls his gun to defend himself. One guy, he notices, has three stars tattooed on his arm. That's where his vision ends.


This guy had a gun in his mouth when his flash forward happened. A gun in his mouth!!!

Mark's wife, a doctor, was operating on someone when she wakes up from her dream, the poor patient dead on the table.

Everyone is utterly confused and Mark, with his partner, try to unravel what could have happened. They soon learn that everyone in the world passed out at the same time and had these mysterious visions. One of Mark's FBI guys calls the person who was in his vision, who was in London, and she repeats everything that she saw which happens to match. They slowly realizes that these visions were actually "fast forwards" into the future.

There are so many wonderful things about this. Mark's partner, whose name is escaping me, but is played wonderfully so far by John Cho is worried because during his blackout he didn't see anything. What's that mean? Is he dead? Mark tries to assure him that that could just mean that he was asleep, and honestly, that's what I would think.

What I like about this show is it could have gone very cryptic, with people lying about their flash forwards, not telling everything, but in the first few chaotic hours, everyone is very forthcoming. In a not as smart show, people would be keeping their flash forwards close to the vest. One of the things that was so moving during the horrible day of 9/11 is when all the news networks dropped all ideas of ratings and backstabbing and shared information with their rivals, contacted other news organizations and got missing parts of the story so that nobody was without vital information on that day. It's much like that. Yes, there are some things that are kept to themselves, like Mark not telling people about drinking (he's sober) and his wife refusing to tell Mark about her flashforward, but these things are personal, nothing, at the moment, that seems vital to finding out what the hell just happened. Plus, his wife does eventually tell him what she saw, which was her with another man. This man better be Brad frickin' Pitt (or Jack Bauer) because seriously, what sane woman would leave this hotness?

Dude, seriously. Brad frickin' Pitt. Or Jack Bauer.

In the final minutes of the pilot, after going through hours of tape, one of the FBI analysts finds that out of all the people dropping like flies for those two minutes she's found one instance where someone was awake. In a stadium in Detroit. A man in black is seen, although grainy, looking around and then walking out of the stadium. Eerie. And interesting.

The date of the flash forward is in late April (just in time for sweeps) so now our team has to find out what happened and how to, for some, change the future, or even be in it. Hopefully the show doesn't get lost in the cool factor (I'm talking to you The Nine!) and keeps us guessing (I'm talking to you Lost!) and wanting more.

HEROES TO ZEROS

Somebody just told her they ordered more episodes.

Ha, you like that title? Well, you may have liked the title of this entry but the show, not so much. I was excited for the new season. Why? I don't know. If the first season hadn't knocked my socks off, black argyle by the way, I wouldn't be here yelling and complaining and stomping my feet because of the vast suckiness that is every season since. I don't even know what season we're in because of the long hiatus, writers strike and two volume season last year.

My idea for the next season of Heroes... kill everyone and start the frak over. I could give a crap about these people anymore. Honestly, they're all so different from what they were when I loved them. They've gone through so much stuff that now their lives, especially the ones that are trying to be normal, are just silly.

Claire is in college (got her GED, y'all) and, as expected, runs out of a calculus placement test because it's too hard. Granted, it was hard, but I wouldn't have even looked in the door of that class. She has a semi-psycho, i.e., stereotypical, first college roommate who has her whole life planned. How opposite of Claire, she has no idea what she's going to do. At least she figured out what to do with her hair. Whatever she does with her life though, it will not involve her lame ass power. Or will it? Ugh, I just intrigued myself more with that sentence then the show did. I'll just continue on this ridiculous storyline. During her first day at school she also meets some Goth chick named Gretchen who is played by an actress I've seen before and actually really like. Look out though, Gretchen is from Texas and when she hears Claire's name and where she is from in Texas wonders if she's the same Claire Bennett from the infamous cheerleading murder. Oh, you mean the one from season 1 when the show was still good? Oh that one, yes, she is. Claire's like, "ixnay on the urdermay!" and doesn't want to talk about it.

Some stuff not worth mentioning happens and at some point Claire finds her annoying roommate dead, did a Greg Louganis out of her bedroom window. Claire's real torn up about it, but not really. She thinks it was murder, although really Claire, she spent a few minutes with you. That alone is enough to want to slam face first into a slab of concrete from 50 feet above. Gretchen thinks it was murder too and she wants to investigate it. Gretchen, seeing as Claire ran out of the first taste of college she had, let's let her concentrate on some classes before we go and do that, mmkay?

She falls pretty.

Claire at first rebuffs this idea, but since it's been six weeks since she's been shot or broken in some way she decides to test Gretchen's theory of gravity and how people who are pushed bounce farther out then people who jump, and jumps out of her window. She lands all broken and nasty and then puts her humpty dumpty ass back together just in time for Gretchen to see that she's not like a normal girl. Let me also point out that Claire landed almost identical to where her rommie's chalk outline was so the girl jumped. I mean, that doesn't mean she didn't have a gun to her head, but still.

Hello, kitten.

On to other, more attractive things, Peter. Peter is an EMT. Remember that season where he was an EMT? Yeah, we're back to that. Peter still has that copy cat power where he can steal the person's powers that he's with but ONLY that power, not like when he was all bad ass and had every power imaginable. He's currently holding onto Mohinder's power which is speed and strength and douchy-ness. He's running around New York City saving people and having no life besides that. That's really sad. He's a handsome guy, you'd think that he would be dating. I'm sure there are a bunch of nurses at that hospital that would certainly hook up with him. In fact, I just came up with a much better show then what's currently on.

Meanwhile, Noah is still working for the government, it seems, but is also communicating with Momma Petrelli. We'll get to her in a minute. Noah finds out that Tracy/Jessica/who cares is still around killing people. Remember the only cool scene last season when she froze the water in the parking garage, but then it became uncool when Danko shot her and she shattered into a million pieces. Ok, that was cool too, especially because I was hoping that Tracy was really dead. But then after we saw that she wasn't dead, just in a bunch of pieces. She apparently didn't die and is going around killing Danko's men out of revenge. Revenge for what? Ugh, hasn't even had screen time and I already hate her this season.

Noah gets into his car and the car suddenly fills with water. Then Danko shows up and shoots the window so Noah doesn't die. Let's break down what just happened and why it's so stupid. First off, was that water Tracy? Does she put water in some place and then remotely make it come out? He got in the car with no trouble. The water also started freezing the doors, so was she doing that? Ugh. I hate you. Secondly, the last I remember seeing Danko they were carting him away because they thought he'd killed someone. I don't have the mental strength to look up who it was but I believe Noah framed him and he got arrested and taken away, no? I was going to say he escaped but later we see him return to his old apartment from last season. If someone cares enough to remind me...

Noah tells Danko that he will talk to Tracy and not to hurt her. Huh? Maybe I don't remember correctly. Anyway, he then meets up with Tracy and tells her that he'll take care of Danko, for her not to kill him. Again wondering why he's all buddy buddy with Danko. To ensure Tracy's safety (why???) he has the Haitian erase Danko's memory of Tracy. Later when Tracy goes to his apartment to kill him, she sees he doesn't remember and doesn't kill him. But someone does kill him. It's Darth Maul from Star Wars and Toad from X-Men! Love this guy! He has this super sexy speed that he chops Danko up and kills him. Tracy runs in (again, why??) and I pray to baby Jesus he does away with her too but he tries, and she's made of water so she doesn't get chopped. Suck! She calls Noah and he comes over and realizes that Toad wanted something and Tracy interrupted. He wanted a key that was in Danko's body that he finds very quickly with a baggie covered hand. Wow Sherlock!

He traces the key to a safety deposit box (of course!) and finds Peter and asks him to go with him. Basically Noah's a puss and wants a "Hero" with him. Peter gets a hard on when Noah says Toad has super fast speed. We know Peter's only going there to steal this guy's power. When they open the box they find it has a compass in it (more on all this later). Toad shows up and Peter (hotly) steals his power and the only cool scene of the first two hours happens as they slow motion/fast speed fight. Peter gets a few cuts but eventually Toad runs away. They look at the compass some more and in Noah's hand it looks broken. In Peter's hand it starts going around in circles. Obviously this thing is attracted to or only works for "Heroes", although they sorta blow it off as nothing.

Unfortunately Toad catches up with Noah (duh!) and chops him up a bit. Peter hears the call over the radio and uses his new found power to run the frak over there and realizes it's Noah and probably feels like crap for leaving after he got the power. Noah's okay and Tracy visits him in the hospital and they exchange some looks that make me gag. Please don't pair her with anyone. She needs to stop having sex with people, it's gross. I know all the fan boys want to see this chick half naked but I just want to see her act. Is that too much to ask for? I guess so.

I'm going to dedicate the next paragraph to the most boring part of the show, Sylar. Yes, he's the most boring part now because he's NOT IN IT. Remember how last season Sylar killed Nathan Petrelli and then Matt Parkman turned Sylar into Nathan? Yeah, that's still going on except Nathan isn't feeling like himself and is acting strange. He goes to see his mother who is really no help at all. He then starts realized he has other powers, like telekinesis and that lightening power Sylar, thankfully, cut Elle's head off for last year. I guess all of Sylar's powers are leaking out now. If Matt has to do the little mind thing on him every six weeks that'll get tiring. Why can't the Haitian come in and do something? Ugh.

Okay, one more paragraph about this because it involves Matt. He's not been using his powers for the last six weeks. Has just been working as a cop in LA. You know, because strapping a bomb to yourself and threatening New York doesn't leave a stain on your record. I know it wasn't his fault, and maybe he had Nathan speak up for him, but still. Anyway, Matt starts having visions of Sylar that happen at work, at home with his wife, anywhere that's inconvenien and awkward. Apparently when Matt did that to Sylar some of his brain got stuck in Matt and now he's "haunting" him. Really? He wants Matt to use his power, which Matt refuses. I guess he thinks of it as a drug? Yeah, why would you want to catch drug dealers and bad guys in an efficient way? Eventually he does use his mojo and Sylar is happy. Who cares?

Unfortunately they teamed the most interesting part of the show with the least interesting part. New this year to Heroes is Robert Knepper. He was on Prison Break and should have gotten an Emmy. He's an amazing actor with chilling performances. And he's hot in a sadistic "beat me now" sorta way.

When we first meet him at the beginning he's narrating and burying his brother, Joseph. And when I say burying I mean he moves his hands and the dirt falls over the casket. Joseph apparently had a compass that he lost and Samuel (RK) wants to get it back. Samuel and Toad work at a carnival or Carnivàle. A tattoo lady who takes her shirt off and walks in Sammy's tent. He takes an ink pen and pokes her with it on her back and blows the ink into her. It forms a picture of Danko. A bad one at that. He wants Toad to go get him, but Toa'd tired of killing people. Aw. But Sammy is not having that shite. He uses the pen to shoot some ink in Toad (yowza) and it forms a hand that starts strangling him. Huh? What the hell is this guy's power? He's moving dirt, making ink move...

Also working at the Carnivàle is an old man who seems to be the head honcho in the little group of freaks. He doesn't look like he's doing too well. Sammy uses the ink again and it forms a picture of Hiro. Another bad rendition.

So are you honey, so are you.

Hiro and Ando are in Tokyo working at a newly formed business whose name I don't remember and don't care to look up. Basically they put up a bunch of banners around town telling people to call them if their in trouble. So they get some little girl who needs help with her cat... you know what, whatever.

Exactly!

Basically Hiro tells Ando that he is "dying" but doesn't elaborate. Boy would I like to know how the eff my best friend in the whole world was dying. Ando says he wishes he could go back in time and change it so he's not dying. Okay God, ya can't do that. Although Hiro conveniently whips out a picture of himself, Ando and his sister and a Carnivàle. You see where this is going right? It's from fourteen years ago. It was where it all changed. It must be real important to NEVER MENTION IT BEFORE. Hiro saw a fortune teller that night that told him he would be a hero one day. So he's saying he based all of his yearning to be a hero on this one moment that we've NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE? Okay. It just also happens to be the night that Ando knocked a slushy into Hiro's sister. Ha, that sounded so pornographic. Sister Hiro then hated Ando for the rest of her life while Ando pined for her. Give it up Ando, if she's mad because you spilled a slushy on her then she's a bitch anyway.

Ando says Hiro could just go back in time to fix it. Hiro doesn't like this idea because of the butterfly effect. You know, when you change something in the past and everything else changes. It's that little thing that this show shites on every chance it gets. Hiro decides not to go but the glitch in his powers take him back to the Carnivàle anyway. Hey, and while he's there...

Sammy asks the elder freak to send him back to the fair and he goes back to talk to Hiro. Hiro sees his young self and freaks out, although hasn't he run into himself a few dozen times now. His younger self says he thinks he recognizes him. Um, maybe that's because this weirdo shows up every few years? Like at your house pretending to be your cook??? Why doesn't Hiro go back then and get his freakin' powers righted by his mother. Dear God am I trying to rationalize this?

Sammy befriends Hiro and basically says he knows what he's up to, but in a friendly way. Hiro tells him about the butterfly effect and Sammy thinks maybe just one thing won't hurt. He pushes Hiro into Hiro's sister and takes the slushy for her. How noble. Hiro then goes back to the future (hah!) and sees Ando. Nothing looks different but wait, Ando and Hiro's sister kiss. Somehow I think the butterfly effect with that would have been greater, since it would have changed Ando's participation is just about every hair brained scheme Hiro has come up with. But I guess not. Sammy also goes back to his boss, who is dying, and says he's found a replacement in Hiro. Um, he's dying too dude. He also does some ink blowing on the chick and pictures of Peter, Claire and Sylar come up. I think, they look like my 4 year old cousin drew them.

On the bright side, no Mohinder aka The Fly. Not even in the narration.

So, I just spend way too much time on that. I will try and get some pictures, but again, too much time.

GLEE

In honor of my first post in months I'd like to talk about a show that makes me so happy. Glee. I fell in love with this show from the previews. Last May Fox aired the first episode (pilot as we in the biz call it) and I wondered if I could marry a TV show. Not a person, because as you all know Jack Bauer and I have been betrothed for awhile now.

Seriously. Priceless.

For those of you who haven't seen it (and why haven't you!?!?) Glee is about a glee club an Ohio high school. Although, that isn't giving it enough credit, obvs. It's really about the loser kids who go out for the club and their (hot ass) teacher who was once a glee club star, in the early 90s when it was (semi) cool to be in it.


In. Love.

The first episode is all about Mr. Schuester setting up the glee club and the wacktastic kids he gets to join, one of them a football star who he lies to and threatens to get him in. But of course once he's in he loves it and ends up defending these losers to his football friends. The show is full of stereotypes, the a-hole football jocks, the uptight cheerleaders, the big black girl that can sing her ass off, etc. But, there are so many unexpected, non conventional things in this as well. The cute lead glee club singer is an outcast, and has been raised by her biracial gay dads. The guidance counselor, Emma, is in love with Mr. Schuester, and really, who wouldn't be, and of course, Jane Lynch, because come on, she's Jane Lynch.

If I have any influence at all over the shows you watch, THIS is the number one for the new fall season. I've never seen High School Musical (don't plan on it) so I don't want to say it's like that just because they are singing in a high school. It's more organic then that it seems like. Besides the occasional dream sequence, they don't just break out in song and dance like they're doing music theatre. Most of the kids (and Mr. Schuester) come from Broadway, so they've got the chops. Sorry Zach Effron. They're also taking contemporary songs and not ones made up for the show.

I can't tell you how much I like this show. I had a chance to see the second episode this past summer at a Glee panel. Unfortunately I had to leave to see the True Blood panel. Vampire Eric tops everything.

Glee starts on September 9th at 9pm.

I'M BBAAAAACCCKKKKK

Wow, the last entry I made was on April 15th, tax day. I wish I could come up with something witty to say, linking the fact that that was my last day with it being tax day, but I'm still working on my first cup of coffee and my wit is slowly catching up. I know it's Tuesday, but for all intents and purposes it's Monday, so my brain is just waking up. The next few entries will be short, but I can't let the fall season start without talking about some of the shows I've been privileged to see already. Yeah, I know you're jealous. :-)

WHAT HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THE EFF HEROES???

Since you have that gun out, can you shoot me in the head?

I have given this show a lot of forgiveness. Maybe too much forgiveness. When a show is going downhill there's always that one show that sucks so much you truly don't know if you can go back again. Sure, it'd be nice to have Mondays at 9pm back again. The love of my life Jack Bauer is on at 9pm. But I'm an impatient bitch, I can't wait 1 minute and 30 seconds between commercials to see my Jack. If I start on the Jack train the Jack train has to continue down the track. Okay, I'm done with the train analogy.

Let's get back to the train wreck. Sorry, I lied. Anyway, Heroes. I was with you when you flashed forward at the beginning of the season. Can you believe we're only in the 3rd season? Doesn't it feel like this crap has been on for like 8 years?

Yeah, that wig is shocking, isn't it?

Like I was saying, I was with you when you flashed forward to a few years later. Matt and Daphne were a happy couple, Sylar had a baby named Noah, and even though it was dumb, I was okay with Claire being a bad-ass bounty hunter type. Okay, I'm there.

Flash forward to the eclipse episode. Everyone loses their powers. Okay, that's fine. Daddy Petrelli is bad, Mamma Petrelli is having dreams still, and Peter is still hot, sorta. If I'm doubting the hotness of a hot man simply because of the dumb things that are coming out of his mouth we have a problem. Peter is hot. Nathan, on the other hand, started to turn way too dark. I think. He was good, then bad, then good, then who the hell knows, and at this point, who the hell cares. I want to, but I just don't.

This is the last time we're going to see you guys together, better be good. No? Okay.

So this half of the season is called... I don't remember. "Fugitives" maybe. Basically Nathan has teamed up with the black president, natch, to create a secret government agency to round up all the people with powers and put them in a concentration camp. Wow, so relevant. The first episode was promising. I should say, the previews for the first episode were. They round a bunch of people up, including Mohinder, Peter, Nikki/Jessica/Tracy, and Parkman. Great, I love this. But then in the first episode Claire, in her fancy wig, after Nathan releases her, sneaks onto the plane and "rescues" everyone on it, only to discover her dad, Noah, is in on the whole thing. Would you make up your damn mind about him already? Is he good or is he bad? Sheesh!

Yeah, that's how I feel too.

Then the heroes (eye roll) are split up after the plane crashes and go off. They decide to join forces to avoid capture. That lasts about 15 seconds until Matt makes them go back for Daphne, who he's seen being shot in his drawing powers that he got somehow that I forget. They go back and she gets shot. I bet if they wouldn't have gone back she would have been fine. Then we spend the next episode not talking about her and then the next three looking for her, only to find her and watch her die. Thanks for wasting my time Heroes! Plus, what's that mean about the future Matt saw? They've done NOTHING different to change the future. They don't say, "Oh, let me not do that because in the future..." So that leads me to believe that everything they're currently doing is how they get to the future, but, now that Daphne is dead, it can't mean that. What the hell Heroes????

The Heroes writers room.

Peter's powers were taken from him from his dad. Of course, when they were at Primatech or Pinehurst or whatever dumb cover company was the "evil" for last season he got some hero juice on him. (too easy) Now he can touch people and take their powers. Borrow them is more like it, the person still keeps it. Do you think I could convince him I have a power so he'll touch me? I need a boyfriend.

The new "bad" person, who will probably end up being good, but maybe not, is some douchebag named Danko played brilliantly by the great actor whose name is way too hard to remember and has all kind of crazy lines in it, but who I will give the respect of looking up. Zeljko Ivanek. But the character is so bizarre. He's like a mercenary, but he's like 80. And eventually he finds out that Nathan, who has been the person behind this group, can fly, so now he's after Nathan. But who the hell is his boss now that Nathan is gone? The President? Because wouldn't the President want to know why Nathan is suddenly missing.

This is how I'll need to watch this next season. Chained to the floor in front of the TV

And throughout this whole half of the season there's been someone called "The Rebel" who is helping them avoid the agents who are after them and get out of the weird farm thing they're being held at, which isn't the facility they were originally shipping them to, who knows where/if that even exists. Ugh. The Rebel helps Tracy escape, but of course she's been coerced by Danko who tells her that if she leads him to the Rebel she will get set free. Unfortunately at the beginning of the episode in the credits I saw that Micah was guest staring so that ruined the surprise for me. Yes, it's Micah, who can control computers, that is helping everyone escape. But then Tracy realizes it's Micah and feels dumb so to get him to escape she freezes the crap out of everything, including herself. Danko then shoots her, THANK GOD, but then she looks to be still alive. CRAP.

The second dumbest move by the show, the first will be next, I know you're excited, is that Sylar and Danko are now working together. Sylar basically killed some shape shifter guy while he looked like Sylar and is now able to not only shape shift, but "Sylar"'s body was found because the shape shifter was killed while he was impersonating Sylar. You following? Yeah, me neither. So now after Sylar touches someone he can be turn into them. It takes Noah about 15 seconds to figure it out. So what's the point. In the last episode, which I'm about to rag on, Sylar is posing as Nathan and doing a press conference. When the frakkin' hell did he touch Nathan? Please tell me if someone knows.

Keep prayin'.

Okay, so last episode really sent me over the edge. It was a flashback episode. It flashed back to a time that has NEVER been referenced AT ALL on this show, 1961. Get this, Mohinder's father, Chandra, was the doctor behind some experiment in the early sixties. They brought people to an armed guard camp to experiment with their abilities. I mean, I think. It was completely confusing (and stupid). Angela was there with her sister Alice. A sister she never mentioned.

In the present she's brought Peter, Noah, Nathan and Claire to this spot, which is some abandoned looking camp in the desert and just told them to "dig" which they did for what looks like hours. At some point when they're done Peter asks her why she didn't just take them to a restaurant and tell them, why they had to come out there. You're preaching to the choir, my love. She then goes sorta crazy and starts talking about her sister. The one we never heard about who she has now told us was killed, along with her parents in 1961 when Angela was 16.

Flashback time and Angela and her family arrive at the camp and are greeted by Chandra Surresh. Angela also meets three boys who are the younger versions of people I had to look up. The guy who ran the company, Elle's father, who could turn things into gold, Linderman, the only name I recongnized, and a black guy, Deveraux, who was the guy Peter was a nurse to back in the day, whose daughter Peter liked, who dated Issac, who, I think, Issac killed, and who was played by Shaft. Remember him? No, me neither. Anyway, the four of them were friends, and they all had powers. Remember that eclipse that gave everyone powers at the start of the series, well it was bullshite, everyone has powers. Even little kids have powers (baby Matt Parkman).

I'm not even going there.

So Angela tells Chandra in a filmed interview that things are going to hit the fan and that he is going to kill everyone there. He doesn't believe her even though the WHOLE REASON she's there is because she has visions in her dreams. Eventually she sneaks out and leaves Alice to go to a diner and call police? Dumb. While she's gone her sister is interviewed by Chandra, who is not threatening at all, and I don't think is supposed to be, but the way the sister reacts he's a freak of nature. Speaking of nature, Alice's power is to mess with the weather. You know, like Storm in the X-Men. Very original.

Alice freaks out, kills some people with lightening, her father comes out, uses his power to knock Chadra out, gets shot and killed and then SOMEHOW I HAVE NO IDEA, everyone dies. Everyone kills everyone else in the camp. The four teenagers go back and bury everyone (Daddy Surresh obviously survived) because NOBODY WILL NOTICE THEY'RE ALL GONE and decide to start a "company" to help "protect" everyone. Good job you all have done. Really, great job.

Then, back in the present, Angela tells Claire that Alice is still alive. And I bet she's freakin' PISSED. And guess, what, she is, both. Yes, that bitch has been down in some fall out shelter for 50 years and looks like the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons. She says she stayed there because Angela promised she'd come back. Well, she did come back ya dumb bitch, to bury the bodies, where were you. And WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANGELA NOTICE YOU WEREN'T THERE AND LOOK FOR YOU?????? OMG I can't take it.

Eventually Peter and Mohinder find MP and Cat Lady and Cat Lady is pissed. She realizes that MP lied to her and freaks the hell out, especially when she sees Mohinder, because it reminds her of his father, WHO LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIM. Wow, way to be racist Heroes, they don't all look alike.

There's a lot of other crap I won't go into, like the little Twink that's following Sylar around, or he was following him around, Sylar's father, Matt Parkman's mysterious kid, them making it from California to Washington in about 4 hours, Claire's 4 minute love interest and her walk on the wild side with her father in Mexico and everything in between. Trust me, that sentence I just wrote is way more interesting.

I truly don't know how much longer I can hang in. I guess since there are only two episodes left I will. Is it wrong that I can't wait for it to end? Not a good sign. Yet people aren't watching KINGS??????? WTF people??????????