I put an exclamation point in the title of this post because, hello! The Race is back. This show is truly my favorite reality show... yup, after thinking about it again for a moment there, it is. Let's get right to it! First with our cursory "who's who". Oh, and what's cool about this year's introductory portion is they come in on bikes. Normally I would think this is lame but Phil Koegen is an avid bike rider and does lots of rides for charity, so I love how they've incorporated this into the show. Yay Phil!
Here are the teams...
Bopper and Mark aka Team Kentucky
I immediately love this team. I don't ever remember an interracial all men's team before. And they're from Kentucky, can you tell? More on them later.
Brenden and Rachel aka Team Big Brother
Apparently these guys were on Big Brother, which makes me hate them already. And yes, she is wearing a sparkly green shirt. Hate.
Elliot and Andrew (no name yet)
Twins. Thank goodness the one has long hair or it would take longer than normal to figure out who's who. Point to them for helping us out. .
Art and JJ aka Team Border Patrol
I was hoping this was our first gay couple of the season, but, it's not. They'll bore me to death, I can tell. They look real nice tho.
Danny and Joey aka Team Douchebag
Ew. There's a reason I don't watch Jersey Shore, and you're looking at it. This douchebag calls himself "Fitness". I'm not going to call him that. I'm also not going to call their team "Jersey Shore" because that implies I'm going with their whole, 'we're cool like that show' thing. You're not. Wow, I must really be incensed over this. I wrote a whole paragraph.
Kerri and Stacy aka Team Cousins
These girls are cousins, and because of my reverse racism, I love them already!
Misa and Maiya aka Team Hawaii
They seem fun, but they're the obligatory "we want people to know we're not just pretty faces". Then stop wearing bikinis on national tv!
Nary and Jaime aka Team Agents
They say they're federal agents and they're shooting guns in their intro. I like this, but something about them turns me off.
Dave and Rachel aka Team Army Wife
They've been married for two years and are already having problems, mostly because he's been overseas in the military for a year. Her five-head aside, I'm rooting for them.
Dave and Cherie aka Team Clowns
They're clowns.
Vanessa and Ralph (no name yet)
They're a pretty couple, hopefully he doesn't get overly abusive by yelling at her about how she's not carrying something right.
And so it begins! Phil gives his obligatory, 'Have fun flying around the world and making people in foreign counties hate Americans, GO!'
Of course, as it has been the last few seasons, they start off immediately with a challenge. Oh, by the way, they're in Santa Barbara, California, at a vineyard. I'm amazed Team Douchebag aren't doing keg stands with the wine casks. The first challenge is a search, where they have to find a clue hidden in one of a hundred mini-hot air balloons. Those balloons are really cute, aren't they? I love little things. Haha.
Team Kentucky, my favorite starting out, starts screaming in excitement. It's very awkward and I immediately worry that I will soon hate my favorite team. Last year after being in love with the snowboarders the whole season and then loathing them when they got all self righteous makes me wary of liking someone so soon, but I just can't help it!
Everybody searches and when they start finding their clues, it says to go to Santa Barbara. I'm very confused by this, but as soon as they get into their cars Phil pops up, not literally, but on the screen. That would be awesome though if he was hiding in their back seats. Video Phil tells them they'll be going to Santa Barbara, Argentina. They race to LAX, which, is like two hours away. As soon as they get into the cars all the teams start high-fiving each other and yelling about how awesome it is that they're on the race. I hope they all think back to this moment because at some point they'll start screaming at each other and/or crying.
My soon-to-be not favorite team, Kentucky, are having problems and eventually start to get discouraged, telling each other how exhausted they are. This is an hour into the race people! They eventually find the clue, second to last, and race off, with Mark puking out of the window of the car. Team Hawaii (Misa and Maiya) are the last to depart, nearly two hours after the first team. They were right, they aren't just pretty faces, they're also stupid.
This episode must be jam packed because we get no airport footage at all. I miss it, this is usually when the teams meet each other and form ridiculous opinions (see my above comments for an example of this). I thought for sure this is when we'd get catty remarks thrown at Team Big Brother, who already has a million dollars (that she won). This edit is suspicious, but I'm going to let it go, since we do have lots of show to get to.
Two planes are headed to Argentina and as the first one lands I realize that my soon-to-be favorite team is on it. I bet you're wondering who that is, aren't you. Keep reading to find out! Although, if you've read this far, you've committed, so thanks! The second plane has Team Kentucky, Team Clowns and Team Douchebag (along with a few other not so lucky teams). Team Clowns immediately start having issues with the stick shift. These are Ford's they're driving, not some weird South American car. Not that South American cars are weird, unfamiliar, is the word I should have used. I could just delete the previous sentence, but I think this is funnier. Is it? IS IT???
The teams get to their first clue box of the season and it's a Road Block. One team member has to skydive (!!!) and the other has to use a third grader's map to find where their teammate has landed. Although the skydiving is exciting, this challenge is boring.
Team Army Wife and Team Border Patrol work together on the ground, using their honed government educated skills to figure out the ridiculous map and find their partner. Team Big Brother is right behind them. As the first plane teams complete the Road Block, they're instructed to head to Patios de Cafayate, where I'm assuming there are lots of patios.
The second plane teams make it to the skydiving area and we finally have someone who is scared to jump out of a plane, rightfully so! It's Stacy from Team Cousins ie my maybe favorite team. Luckily Kerri says she will do it, but unfortunately they've misread the clue and since they've stated what they were going to do, it causes them to have to switch places and Stacy will be jumping out of the plane. Side note: To get me to jump out of the plane you'd have to a) give me drugs b) push my ass out when I'm not looking or c) promise me Michael Fassbender is on the ground below me.
Come on, like you wouldn't jump out of ANYTHING for that
Stacy eventually overcomes her fears, although for a minute I wasn't sure she'd actually do it. And good for her!
I'd like to stop a second and mention Bopper. At first, being part of the interracial Kentucky team, I was in love with him and his partner Mark. The yelling that occurred at the very beginning made my short lived love wane, but again, I was still rooting for them. Then the puking an hour into the game and I was definitely rethinking my love. Now this. As Bopper is driving to get Mark he yells something at the camera and dear God, he doesn't have any teeth in the top row. I mean, he has some, but he's missing a few. I don't know if it's the angle or what, since later in the show you clearly see his front teeth, but um, no.
Unfortunately while Stacy was showing what a badass mom she was by skydiving and telling us she has to do it for her kids, Danny and Maiya are treading heavily into 'hahahahahah you dumbass' territory. Danny, against his mom and ALL OF AMERICA'S better judgement, didn't learn how to drive a stick shift. So that holds him up a bit from leaving the airport, to my complete enjoyment! And then Maiya, thinking a random sandy spot is a) where she wants to go and b) a road, she turns into it, only to get stuck in a sand trap. In her defense, there is a lot of sand, and there is a car parked near there, so her mistake is an honest one albeit game changing and hilarious. See, she's not just another pretty face. Eventually some locals come to her rescue (how you liking being pretty now, huh?) and she's pulled out, but she's lost some valuable time.
So many things are right about this picture
Meanwhile, most of the other teams are either at the Detour, or making their way there. Team Border Patrol, Team Army Wife and Team Big Brother are all at the Detour together at first. The Detour involves making empinadas two different ways. They have to make a total of one hundred and twenty and what some may not realize (and some don't) you have to do them two different ways. It seems like a tedious task and hopefully they aren't cooking them too because I don't know if I could control myself with fresh, homemade empinadas baking somewhere near me.
Team Border Patrol, who at this point I'm a fan of, don't notice that you have to crimp the two different empinadas differently. This allows my new favorite team (wait for it!) Team Big Brother (I know!) to move ahead. Yes, I said it. The team I thought I'd hate the most when this episode first started is the team I kind of love now. They are really relaxed, seems like they're having fun, and despite her idiotic green sequenced top, I'm kind of digging Rachel. I'm sure if you watched Big Brother you may disagree, because the majority of people who are on that show are just one notch above Jersey Shore, but for now, Rachel and Brendon are kind of awesome.
Team Army Wife finishes just a few minutes before Team Big Brother and five-head and all, they are the first team to arrive, winning the Express Pass, which allows them to skip any task up until the eighth leg. Team Big Brother and Team Border Patrol come in not soon after. The other teams roll in but it's the race between Team Douchbag and Team Hawaii that's making this episode exciting. Coming from behind Team Hawaii bang out the empinadas, using their skills making wontons (I swear they said it first), and push ahead. Unfortunately they've left their bags in the car and, as we know from past seasons, you need all your bags to check in. They hurry to the car, as Team Douchebag notice they could be still in this.
Next is one of the funniest finishes I've witnessed. Team Hawaii ("we're not just pretty faces") run around the compound looking for Phil. They walk out to the area where Phil is (unfortunately with no band/music accompaniment) look around, and walk right back into where they just came from, not seeing Phil. Granted, he is about fifty yards away, but they don't even look his direction. Phil looks at the locals standing next to him, clearly amused and confused at why they didn't see him. This allows Team Douchebag to eventually finish the task and while Team Hawaii is still wandering around, swoop and take the last slot.
Team Hawaii eventually finds Phil and Phil hysterically points out that they were mere feet from him and didn't see him and that this has never happened before. They feel like idiots, and I don't blame them. Maybe they should have just worn bikinis.
See you next time!
