DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

Hubba hubba

Wow, I was really impressed last night. I only wanted to shoot myself in the head once or twice. Susan, or as I liked to call her, Skeleton, was just normal enough for me to not want to beat the crap out of her, and low and behold, Lynette didn't manipulate anything.

The show starts with another one of Bree's parties. For a recent widow and near murderess she really is having a good ol' time. Her parties are typically uptight, blueblood, snobby wine tasting, 'Oh Fancy, you look so divine, how is Muffy and Kitten, do tell them to come to the club this weekend, Chip will be hosting a raffle for the needy, poor people, so sad.' Sorry, I have a little pent up irritation for people like that. Anyway, the party looks to be like that, but flash to the kitchen with Gabrielle, Lynette, Tom, Carl, Bree and Edie are all sitting around the table. Somehow it comes up that Tom was a band geek in high school. Somehow I find it hard to believe this hottie was a band geek, but whateva. He says that girls like Gabrielle (I only assume he means slutty) wouldn't have given him a second glance. She begs to differ. She says she was all about charity cases. She had even watched Can't Buy Me Love 20 times. He doesn't believe her, and still seems a bit hurt that the cheerleaders didn't give him the time of day. Lynette's on the other side of the room and thinks this is such a funny conversation, until Gabby plants a big one on Tom, telling him that this is from the cheerleader race, saying they're sorry. The kiss does linger a bit, but it's quite tasteful, no tongue or anything. I would have slipped him the tongue, but hey, that's just me.

Lynette not too happy

Everyone laughs about it until later when they're helping Bree clean up. Lynette confronts Gabby and Gabby doesn't see why she's upset. They both sorta blow it off, even though Lynette's still pissed. Later Bree and Lynette talk about it and Lynette finds out that Gabby slept with John the teenage gardener. At some point Lynette's getting off of work early and calls the house. Tom had the baby and groceries and Gabby saw him struggling. She helped him in the house and the baby spit up on her. Cue Lynette to call. Well she does and overhears Gabby in the background asking about where she can get something to wipe her shirt off. Lynette runs a few red lights and gets home in time to catch Gabby and Tom doing it on the table. Not really, they were just talking, but that's what Lynette thought was going on. Gabby picks up on the suspicion and asks her friend what's up. She wonders if Lynette thinks she's hitting on Tom. Lynette says, 'well you are the town ho'. Gabby leaves, and Tom's standing about eight feet taller because the town ho has the hots for him.

Seriously. Hot.

Gabby and Carlos talk about him getting over her affair with John. She suggests he go have an affair of his own, then they'll be even. Does this woman not watch Oprah? I mean she's home all day. He thinks it's ridiculous. Gabby mentions that ugly 1980s hairdo nun, and Carlos flying down to Africa to see her. He laughs it off.

Lynette thinks it over and goes back to Gabby's to apologize. After making a banana smoothy, the girls make up. Gabby still doesn't get why Lynette got her panties in a bunch and Lynette tries to get her back by kissing Carlos. Unlike Gabby's innocent kiss with Tom, Lynette really kisses Carlos. In fact, Carlos wraps his arms around her and kisses her back. Gabby gets the point. Later, acting on his wife's encouragement, Carlos approaches Lynette about Gabby's proposed infidelity. He wonders what she thinks of it, wink wink. He looks like a kid in a candy store. He's at the wrong house, he needs to go the end of the street, to Edie's house. Anyway, Lynette rejects him, nicely. I have a feeling this isn't over.

Ironside and Caleb

At the Applewhites', Caleb really wants to come out of the basement. Matthew feels bad, but Betty says it's for his own good. Betty does make a remark about the shotty staircase, and that termites have eaten at it and they need it replaced. Or something like that. That was the big "foreshadow" moment. The man from the previous episode, that was trying to find Caleb, Monroe (Michael Ironside, wonderful as always), is staking out the Applewhite house. Edie jogs by and like a good neighbor, asks the stalker what the hell he's doing. He says that he's there for appraisals and this sends Edie over the edge. This is her turf, and if the Sharks wanna invade her turf, the Jets won't stand for it. She's a real estate queen and knows everyone in the business. Of course she does. Once the Applewhites and Edie are out of site, Monroe goes into the house for Caleb. He finds him in the basement and breaks him out. Of course Caleb is scared, but when Monroe shows him that he's letting him out, he's down for hit. He wants Caleb to come with him though and he won't. So Monroe slugs him, knocking him out. Okay. Monroe has Caleb tied up in the basement and goes upstairs to make sure the coast is clear. He comes to the top of the steps and urges Caleb to come down. He won't, so Monroe takes out his gun. Caleb still won't move and Monroe storms down the steps. Of course the steps break and he falls through them. He's now stuck, legs dangling. Unfortunately, when he fell, the gun went off and shot him in the chest. He looks surprised, and dies. Ha, that was great. Michael Ironside is the best die-er. Betty and Matthew return and are quite confused with the dead man trapped in their stairs. They look through his wallet and don't recognize his name or face. Then his phone rings and Matthew gets it. The caller ID says that it's "Foster". Betty looks nervous and says that they have to get the body out right away. She and Matthew carry the body to his car and put him in the trunk. Before Matthew can stop her, Betty closes the trunk with the keys locked inside. Betty laughs nervously and they go back to their house. More on this later.

Meanwhile, Andrew and his boyfriend Justin are hookin' it up Brokeback style outside of Bree's window. She sees this and is quite angry at him. Personally I'd be a little more concerned that my daughter is a cigarette smoking ho, but that Bree, her priorities are all screwed up. Speaking of Danielle, we haven't seen her for awhile. Last time we saw her she was having a little jungle fever with Matthew Applewhite. Who could blame her though really. Sorry, I digress. When Andrew comes in Bree scolds him for kissing in front of the house. Andrew brushes her off and then offers her the bottle of wine she was planning on polishing off upstairs in her room. He tells her unlike her, he doesn't judge. No, he just runs people over with his car. Later, Bree brings Andrew breakfast in bed only to find Justin has spent the night. Downstairs she warns him that she'll send him back to Camp Shouldaspanked with the other delinquents. He pulls out the big guns now and says that he'll tell the police that she killed George the pharmacist. Oh no he di'int. She gets scared and calls Carl, Susan's ex, who is a lawyer. She wonders if she can be held accountable for George's death. Carl comes over and they talk to Andrew. They tell him that Bree wasn't legally bound to do anything, and she won't be arrested. Andrew's not having it though, he tells his mother that he'll tell all of her friends what she did. Carl tells Bree to go into the kitchen. He pulls Andrew into the corner and basically tells him that he'll kick is ass if he messes with his momma. I'm beginning to like Carl. I can see a Bree and Carl match up. I think it would be cute. I don't think Susan would mind, she's so over him.

Oh look, Susan was in an accident, go figure

Speaking of Skeleton, she's going into her house when she sees Zach across the street taking out the trash. She hurries over to Mike and tells him that Zach is again living next door. Seriously, this woman is really dim. Anyway, Mike, of course, says that he already knew he was there and he's already been warned by Paul to stay away. Meanwhile, at Paul and Zach's, Paul tells him he's going to be home schooled, since many people in the neighborhood don't want him there. Zach lets Paul know that Mrs. Huber's sister Felicia told him that not only did Mike want Paul dead, but it was because Paul killed Mrs. Huber. Paul plays dumb and Zach says that didn't believe it. Later, Zach comes over to Julie and Susan and asks for their forgiveness. He seems sincere, and Susan feels sorry for him. She has a revelation. She decides to invite Zach out bowling with her and Julie and then invite Mike so they can connect. Since that's what Zach needs, bonding time with his real father. I'm thinking he needs a straight jacket, but whateva. Mike is down with this, since he really wants to just spend time with Zach. At first Zach doesn't know how to take Mike being there, but as all good parents do, Mike lies to Zach and says that he was just there bowling by himself when Skeleton and Julie walked in. Um, ok. But Zach believes them and they start bowling. Zach isn't doing so good and Julie goes to get some hot dogs. Mike and Susan are laughing together (please don't stick him with this bozo anymore) and Zach confronts them. He wants to know why they're being so nice to him, seeing that he held them at gunpoint and all. They tell him that they want to make amends. Susan's in Anorexia and Bulimia Anonymous and that's one of the things you have to do, make amends. No really, Mike has a short heart to heart, telling Zach that he was in jail once, and it was people helping him out, and forgiving him that made him the plumber he is today. Mike even shows Zach how to bowl. They obviously all have a really good time. Unfortunately, when Zach gets home, he throws away the bowling scorecard with Mike, Susan, and Julie's name on it. I have so many issues with this, and I'm sure you know what they are. When Paul comes into his room to tuck him in, he notices this. He runs over to Mike's house where Mike is outside. He punches him in the face, dropping Mike quickly. Mike gets up and runs after him, talking him on the ground. Susan sees this as she's driving by and almost hits a car on the street. She swerves to miss it and hits the back of Monroe's car. The trunk pops open. A woman who is walking by screams. Susan, Mike and Paul run over and see Monroe's dead body.

The police are once again on Wisteria Lane investigating. Betty and Matthew are lookin' a bit nervous, although Betty say she's not worried yet. The girls are all huddled together talking about what's going on. Edie says that she noticed the guy the other day watching the Applewhites' house. She checked around and none of her real estate friends know him. Skeleton admits that she heard some strange noises coming out of the basement of their house. I all of the sudden feel like I'm watching The Burbs. Remember that movie with Tom Hanks? It was so good. Anyway, they turn to look at the Applewhites and Betty remarks that now she's worried. I would be too if Skeleton and her friends were looking at me.