On Monday night I wasn't feeling so hot. In fact, I was down right sick, so I had no control over what my body watched. In fact, this is exactly how I discovered Men in Trees. On a very sick Friday night last September I was forced to watch it because my hand wouldn't work to change the channel and my roommate was doing something else. Plus, I think she secretly wanted to watch it anyway. That's how I found Marin and Jane, and Jack. So, I thought, hey, I know I'm tired but I at least have to stay up to see the idiot women who have decided to dedicate three months of their lives to be catty with each other for some guy.
See, hot.
I'd heard this guy was a Navy officer, and I'd seen glimpses of him, which I enjoyed, so when the show started and he was in his dress whites, I thought, hey, I've made a good decision to watch this. So his name is Andy, and he's handsome, a Naval officer, a triathlete and a DOCTOR! As he was talking about his scholarships, his humanitarian work, his love of the outdoors, I looked at my roommate and said, "He's a catch." I don't know why I was talking like an old lady, but that's what I said.
Really? How many of us think this is his car?
So I committed to watching it at least until the girls were introduced. They started piling out of the limos one by one, all twenty five of them, with a quick moment with Andy who was standing there dumbfounded by the supposed beauty he was seeing. There were some cute girls, and some okay girls, and some, holy dear God what's wrong with their eyes girls...
I mean, she could be really nice, and she probably is. Not sure my opening statement to Andy though would be about looking him up on the Internet. Nor would it be part of our conversation later in the house. But hey, that's just me. Maybe that's why I'm single.
Watch out boys, she'll chew you up!
Andy gave a rose away to one girl, a "first impression rose", but not to who I would expect. I thought for sure he'd give it to Malibu Barbie...
Nope, well definitely Beach Barbie...
Not even. Slutty Barbie?...
No, his one rose for the introduction he gave to her...
I don't mean to be superficial, but most people, especially hot blonde Gods like this are. But maybe not. Maybe Andy is the nice guy. He's the guy you want to bring home to mom. And that still begs the question of "Why is he not taken?" When the other girls notice Stephanie has the flower, the one even says, "Get your claws out girls." At least she's honest.
Why do I think the hair person ran out of ideas and just made these last two hairstyles up?
Oh Britney, dating so soon after rehab?
So, after what was probably two or three grueling hours of him standing there and greeting the skanks, er, girls, he finally heads into the house for a little "partying". He's nervous, which is totally cute. He sorta looks like the long lost love child of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Maybe not Matt Damon so much, but he definitely has Affleck smile. Cute, right?
Andy then goes around and does his best to get to know each girl, sometimes being forced to talk to 2, 3, 4 at a time. He's all smiles and tries to ask them questions which seem really awkward. At some point, when he's talking to one of the ladies near the pool, he lays back on the chair and comments about the stars. AAHHH, I get it now!!! Andy has no game! That makes so much sense!
As the night goes on, the ladies get more and more drunk, and Andy gets more and more turned on. When the girls find out it's his birthday two of them decide to bake him a cake. The only problem is they don't have any eggs. Shoot, who needs eggs when you have tequila, right? Personally I think RUM would have been a better substitute, but hey, that's just me.
"See this is your hand..."
All ready we see some tension forming in the house and the cake's barely done cooking. One of the girls, let's call her Drunk Barbie...
... she decides to fall over. She starts laughing at herself, and the other girls start laughing too. One of the girls is laughing way too hard. In fact, when Drunk Barbie says something, under her breath which we don't hear, Bitch Barbie freaks out. She goes over and gets into her face as Drunk Barbie just sits there confused. I would have been too. Let's hope Andy isn't around to see this.
At some point, Anthem Barbie tells us that she's not as pretty as the other girls (really?) and that she has to make herself memorable so she takes Andy aside and sings the Star Spangled Banner to him. Unfortunately, she sounds more like Sanjaya then Melinda. But that's not fair, Sanjaya is WAY better. It's quite embarrassing, but Andy actually gets a little teared up. Rrriigghhhtt. A catch...?
So finally, after the nearly unbearable, embarrassing fiasco that is the "getting to know you" part of our evening, it's finally time for Andy to make his choice. He has a lot to choose from and feels overwhelmed. Luckily the girls made it a little easier for him when they found out it was his birthday and did things like back flips (literally), cooking him a tequila cake, and having her birthday on the same day as his. He just chose all those girls.
As he's choosing, it suddenly dawns on me that I miss I Love New York. I miss the gold and rhinestone chains, and New York tonguing the contestants and yelling at the ones she's not choosing. The Bachelor is where it all started, the rose, the hurt feelings of not getting chosen. Thank you Bachelor, thank you.
Dirty mouth? Clean it up!
Most of the people we've met tonight get a rose, save one person who hogged up way more camera time then she needed to. Bitch Barbie. She'd confronted the girl who got the rose at the beginning, told her it was just luck, and then laughed and confronted the Drunk Barbie when she fell, and now, she wasn't chosen. So she did what every woman who wanted to keep her dignity would do, she stormed out and started yelling at the camera. She even went as far to call Andy short with a big head. We all knew that, tell us something meaty we don't know. If you're going to fly off the handle, tell us how you overheard him tell someone he had herpes, or that he was really a woman. Girl please, you've known the guy for four hours and you're making a scene because he didn't choose you? You've gotten about five more minutes of screen time, but you've come off as a crazy bitch, hope you're happy.
