THE AMAZING (sorta) RACE

Look, I've heard some criticism of the whole family size edition of this show. I really don't mind it, the show I mean. Do I miss the crazy cab drivers, language barriers, and the teams racing to get on flights? Of course I do. Would I rather be watching that? Yes. But, all that said, it's still the best reality show on TV, fast paced, inventive, fun, it's all of that.

The show starts out with the teams driving to a Salt Lake City high school (shout out to my SLC boys). The Linzes leave at around 12:30amish with the Bransens and Godlewskis hot on their trail. Once there they bunk in their campers and sleep through the night. Unfortunately they stack up again, leaving every 10 minutes starting at 6am. This allows for the Weavers to catch up, since they didn't leave the pit stop until after 5am. They get there and in true Weaver style, try to "psyche" the other team out by acting like wild crazy people. They even confront the Linzes and ask them about wasting the yeild the episode before. These people really are crazy.

Anyway, they all take off and assemble their hot air balloons. The Linz and Bransen balloons swipe each other in what looked like a close call. I've never been in a hot air balloon so I'm not sure. Looked pretty scary though. When the Weavers finally land they miss the target and end up on the side of the hill. I was hoping their balloon would tumble over but the pilot was in there with them and he didn't need to be punished for their sins.

Then they, get this, DRIVE to the next detour. I mean really, I'm sure these people are so done with driving. Luckily it seems they split up the driving, except in camp Godlewski. The only desperate housewife I really know is Christine. The reason I know Christine, or "Chrissy", is because her sisters treat her like crap. Throughout the entire show, as she tries to help, they just tell her to shut up, yell at her, and finally push her to tears. Granted, she does have a very annoying voice, and she would probably grate my nerves as well, but they all do. They are just so mean to poor old Chrissy. She tries to stand up for herself but three against one doesn't help matters.

When they get to the detour they have to decide whether to "spike it" or "steam it". Ha, these names are great. In "spike it" the teams must build twenty feet of railway the old fashioned way. Not sure how they do it now, but I can't imagine it's that much different. I'm thinkin' the Linzes will cruise threw this but sometimes they're not the best at deciding which tasks to do, so I get worried, that is, until everyone else but the Weavers pick the same thing. The Weavers have to run coal back and forth in a barrel until they unload four hundred pounds of the stuff. Everyone is covered in soot and dirty from this task, and I gotta tell you, seeing good ol' Nick Linz covered in the stuff is not a bad thing. Anyway, I digress. The Weavers finish pretty quickly and are able to go into third place, followed only by the Godlewskis who are of course, yelling at Chrissy who's trying her best to help out. They finally finish and rush off.

The teams must now find a sculpture in the middle of the salt flats. Man, they really had an opportunity here to do something cool on these flats, like wind surfing or something. Instead they make it to a sculpture that the Bransens accurately describe as looking like hemorrhoids. From there they must then make it to a camp site. First at the site are the frakin' Weavers. I mean seriously. Last time they were stuck in the hills, this time they're flying. Then the Bransens arrived and by this point I started to worry about my Linzes. The Godlewskis got there and of course missed the turn off and had to turn around in the road. Chrissy got out and tried to give directions. Finally a passerby stopped and helped the ladies out. I will refrain from any dumb blonde jokes at this time, as to not offend anyone, namely my mother.

Finally the Linzes arrive last to the camp site and get their spot leaving the next morning. Apparently there was another production error and a dumbass cameraman drained the car battery again. This is the second time this as happened. I guess since the majority of their time is spent in a car this season there's more of that, it just pisses me off. If I remember correctly in seasons past, if there was an error in production the team wasn't penalized. The team was given the amount of time they lost from the error. In discussing it with fellow fans our only thought here is that they don't do this unless it really makes a difference in the game. Who knows.

So the next morning the teams get up and leave on their way to Wyoming to horse ranch. They have to pick a cowboy and then drive some cows. Apparently the Weaver girls are good at riding horses. They look like they were rode hard and put away wet themselves if you ask me. Sorry, I know that was wrong, but I really do want to slap those bitches. Just for their pure ignorance in believing they're all goody goody and that everyone is against them for no reason. Regardless, they can ride a mean horse, and blow threw that pretty fast. The only team that looks to have a problem are the Godlewskis. One of their horses just starts sprinting, it's pretty funny.

From there they all go to Yellowstone National Park and search for Old Faithful. They have to watch it go off and then they can leave. It's an hour and a half between bursts so if you miss it you have to wait that long until the next one. At this point I'm thinking my dear Linzes are never gonna make it there at the same time as the Weavers and might even be the only team left to watch it go off. Luckily, the Godlewskis miss it by less than ten minutes and the Linzes even see evil spawns of Satan and Rolly drive by. The next clue tells the teams to make their way to a ranch where they have to find Phil. The Bransens and Weavers realize that it'll be a foot race for first. The Bransen girls tell Wally they don't think they can beat Rolly, but they're confident they can beat the Weaver women. They must have seen them suckin' on the pack of Marlboro Reds earlier. The trucks stop at the ranch and they race for Phil. We see him sitting on one of the fences as the Bransens make it to the mat first. Back with the Linz and Godlewski race one of the cute boy Linzes suggests that something is amiss. He says that the clue just mentions "meeting" Phil and doesn't say anything about it being a pit stop. Sure enough, Phil informs the Bransens and Weavers that this leg is NOT over and hands them clues to continue on. Linda Weaver asks, "When is this gonna end?" Hopefuly for you, next week.