DESPERATE (am I really still watching this) HOUSEWIVES

Last year at this time I was glued to the tv every Sunday watching the phenomenon known as Desperate Housewives. The women were silly and not really what I thought normal women were like, but I believed there was some truth to them. I wondered if when I got married I'd be like they are. A lot has changed in a year. I find just about none of the stories on this show believable. Instead of being loveable and sympathetic, the women are pathetic and with the slight exception of Bree, I don't give a crap about them. They also all surround themselves with assholes, which is another reason for my disdain. This is all especially true since the show is paired with probably one of the best, if not the best, show on tv, Grey's Anatomy. For an example of how to write real characters and put them in slightly unbelievable situations but still make everyone enjoyable, down to Earth and watchable, keep the tv on into the 10 o'clock hour. That being said, I'm vested in Housewives. I want to see it succeed, I want to see Gabrielle come to her senses for more than thirty seconds and realize what a stuck up bitch she is, or I want her to be a stuck up bitch, like Eddy and own it. I want to see Lynette spend one episode without manipulating her kids, husband, or boss. And Susan, poor Susan, I'd like her to "get it" without having to be hit over the head with it. Bree I have the least problem with, yeah she was a dumbass for awhile while she dated George, and she's ignoring her whoring around daughter and is completely oblivious to her devil's spawn of a son, but hey, she's real. She's slightly delusional, but who wouldn't be in her situation. And once she found out that George was the cause of most of her problems, she had no issue with watching him die.

Okay, enough of that, let me give you a quick play by play of what happened this past Sunday on Wisteria Lane.

Addison makes it over to Susan's house out of pity I guess because he doesn't seem too happy to be there. Does anyone else find it distracting that his name is Addison? Marc Cherry's just trying to be Grey's Anatomy I guess. Anyway, Susan shows him pictures of her growing up and he looks less than thrilled. He gets impatient and starts to leave, but not before reluctantly excepting a picture of her. Later, Susan gets a call from him in jail, he's been arrested for solicitation. Nice bonding moment here, Susan must be so proud. Unfortunately for them, when Susan drops him off at his house, his wife sees and becomes jealous, thinking he's having an affair. She even spray paints the word "Whore" on Susan's garage. Haha, that's great. Susan insists he tell his wife about her. But we learn he doesn't, when Mrs. Purdy follows Susan into the grocery store and starts throwing food at her and calling her names. Susan finally tells her that she's his daughter, and Mrs. Purdy realizes that Addison has been cheating on her their entire marriage. Seriously, what tipped her off, getting arrested for picking up a prostitute or having a 38 year old daughter? Susan's pissed at dear old dad who finally comes to apologize to her, and says that once he works on his marriage a bit, he'll be ready to start a relationship with her. Girl, you're gonna be waiting a long time because that marriage needs as lot of work.

Next up is manipulator, oh, I mean Lynette. Lynette gets the hairbrained idea to start a work day care. Per insurance guidelines if there are sixteen children or more, they can have a day care. This gets her real excited because what she really needs at work are her little assh- I mean children, running around causing the poor day care workers to want to slit their throats. The only problem is her boss, Ed, can't imagine his wife giving up time with their daughter to leave in day care. Lynette has the wife to the office for tea and tries to talk her into it. The wife ain't havin' any of that and wonders why Lynette even had kids. I'm just wondering why she wanted more after those twins. Later, Lynette tries to make Ed stand up for himself with his daughter and it backfires, as usual, and causes Ed to just kidnap the baby. I'm starting to think Ed's not the sharpest tool in the shed, yet he runs the company. He must have started it on his own. Anyway the wife shows up and is furious. Ed tries to stand up to her but she just tells him she's leaving. Seeing her plan falling apart, Lynette does what any sane woman would do, she locks herself in her office with the baby and makes Ed and his wife realize this is best for everyone. The wife finally agrees to the day care.

In a true twist, Zack returns to Wisteria Lane. Just walks up. Did he walk from Utah? He and Paul are reunited. When Zack asks Paul about the identity of his real father, Paul lies. Ohh, big moment, Paul actually lies about this. I didn't see that coming. I mean, why wouldn't he tell Zack that his father is the plumber from across the street that he held hostage and who almost killed the man he thought was his father. Stupid. Paul goes to Mike's house and tells him that Zack is back. He also says that they're going to move away from Wisteria Lane. Mike for some reason wants to be a part of this little psycho's life and he and Paul throw around some threats about going to the police. Mike is able to one up him, you know, because he actually killed someone, and Paul is convinced to stay on Wisteria.

Gabrielle is being her snotty spoiled self and getting even more jealous of Sister Mary. Sister Mary, I do have to say, is a bitch. Gabrielle gets angry that Carlos is at church instead of the massage appointment he said he was going to be at, and makes a fool of herself yelling after him. In her defense, if you said you were going to be somewhere, you should be there, but she didn't have to get all crazy about it. Later, we learn that Sister Mary was going to take her annual trip to Africa to help the poor but can't go. Gabrielle's tiny little brain starts working overtime and she realizes that with a small donation, she can send Sister Mary and another nun away for a few months. Not wanting Gabby to win, the nun invites Carlos on the trip and of course he decides to go. Not to be outdone by Lynette and her manipulation, she purposely doesn't tell the doctor giving Carlos his vaccinations that he's allergic to eggs, so this makes him extremely sick and unable to go on the trip. Gabby starts to feel bad, until Carlos, in his sick haze, says Sister Mary's name. And really, we don't know if he was having a sexual dream. God I hope not, that woman is not cute. She's channeling the early 90s with that bleach blonde hairdo. Ewe.

Betty and Josh are finally back after being stuck in that house last week where we didn't get to see them. They learn that Caleb is being held in the psyche ward of a hospital. Betty goes in under the guise of playing the piano for the inmates/patients. What's interesting about this place, there's no security. No cameras, no guards, just one nurse who looks and walks the other way. I also thought, being Housewives, that we'd have some crazy people running around, but they all must be drugged up. While all of this is going on, there's a mysterious stranger who's after Caleb as well. He's being played by Michael Ironside. I can't say enough good things about this guy, he's a great actor and is so creepy looking. He seems to be a PI or something, but he goes to the hospital, dressed like an intern or something (look Marc Cherry, you aren't Grey's Anatomy and you NEVER will be so get over it). He finds Caleb's room, but no Caleb. Josh is standing in the back of the room with a baseball cap on listening to Betty play for everyone. Ironside sees Josh put his cap and jacket on Caleb and usher him out of the hospital. Oh yeah, because black people all look alike and no one will notice one person coming in and two people coming out. Seriously, where is this Wisteria Lane, I'm going there so I can commit crimes and never get arrested. Not that I want to commit crimes. We'll have to wait until next week to see who Ironside is. Most likely he'll be someone who we aren't too surprised to see. It's been many episodes ago where we actually got a good "a-ha!" moment.

Over in Bree's world, the detectives have her come over to George's house and tell her about him committing suicide. She pretends to be surprised and then asks them over for cookies. Not really, but I wouldn't put it past her. They show her that George not only has been collecting her undies, but had also made a doll of her likeness. Well, not really her likeness, looks more like a drag queen trying to play her, but still, it's supposed to be her. She's disgusted and runs out. Later, she has Andrew pulled out of the camp for delinquents and tells him that George is dead, and that he killed Rex. Of course Andrew is upset, but mostly at Bree. This kid needs a good ass kicking, really. Anyway, he insists that since Bree had a hand in killing Rex, that now he can do whatever he wants. And by whatever he wants, I mean have gay sex. We never actually see the sex but he has his boyfriend Justin over. Justin is the one who's roommates with John the gardner and who Carlos beat the crap out of last year, or in Housewives time, a little over a month ago. Well, they're hanging out watching movies and about to hook up when Justin suggests they wait until Bree's gone to bed. Andrew says he doesn't care, that he hates his mother. He says that his mother doesn't understand him because he's gay, and instead of waiting for her not to love him anymore, he's just stopped loving her. Wow, harsh. He also says that he's just waiting for her to slip up, and when she does, he's going to nail her for it. Of course later when he and Bree are talking he's pissed because George didn't suffer, and went out on his own terms. Bree sees her son is hurting so does what any parent who is delusional about their son's state of mind would do, she tells him that she was there when George bit the dust. He smirks over her shoulder when they hug and says thank you. This kid is evil, I like him.