Brokeback Island. Oh yeah!
The first night of Survivor was somewhat exciting, but boy was I glad they didn't do the typical two hour premiere. Let's hope I stay interested in the show since it's been hit or miss with me the past few seasons. As I get my first glimpse of this new batch of people, I try to figure out how some of them will look 30 pounds lighter. I'm not going to bore you with the gazillion people they have playing or the tribe names because they're gonna merge pretty soon into two and there are too many people who we will never remember anyway.
It started off well, the groups were divided into four groups of four, separated by gender and age. Younger men and older men. Younger women and older women. One of the older women, Cirie, can't believe she's with the "older" women. Trust me, honey, you're one of the older ones. All of the younger men are hot, so I'm happy. Jeff tells them that the twist to this season is at least one person a week will be sent to this island, "Exile Island" and have to live among the snakes and fend for themselves for what they imply is a long time but I think it's just for a night. The younger guys flirt a bit with the younger girls at which time Jeff does a karate chop to their crotches and yells, "Get off my bitches!".
The game start off immediately with the first reward challenge. Jeff says they're playing for flint. I'm thinkin' these girls are more Heffner then Flynt, but same ol', same ol'. Now we all know how important flint/fire is, and for the past few seasons they started off without this needed tool. The first three teams to cross the finish line will get it, the one team that doesn't will have to select someone to stay on the island until the first immunity challenge. For this challenge one member of each team has to run to the other side of the island (probably a hundred or so yards) and find what Jeff tells us are skulls. A lot of people had to die for this season of Survivor. They have to break the skulls open on a rock, one by one, to try and find an amulet that's wrapped up in it. When the person finds the amulet they have to run back to the groups. The last person to find the amulet (or not find it, whatever the case may be) loses. He gives them a minute to choose who runs and a few of the teams introduce themselves. The younger women think this is the perfect time to talk about each other's jewelry. I immediately don't like these bitches.
Okay you can't see them here, but trust me, her boobs are nasty.
The woman they choose from the young women is Danielle. She has one of the worst boob jobs since Tara Reid's nasty slip. They're in her throat, I don't know how she can breathe. Anyway, they all race off to complete the task and it's fairly anti-climatic. The young women lose because Danielle's breast are in her way. So the women have to choose who to keep on the island. I think they should leave boobie girl there, since she's the one who couldn't find the stinkin' amult, but they want to do it fairly. They play a quick game of Rock/Paper/Scissors. Misty loses.
Misty, the woman with the plan
Jeff tells the group that there is a good reason to be on Exile Island by yourself, hidden on the island is a small immunity idol. He also says that he'll be giving them clues to it's whereabouts throughout the game. Unlike last season, the person with the idol can use it at any time, even after they find out they've been voted out. Once the others head off and leave Misty and Jeff alone, Jeff tells her that the name of the island is actually Love Island and some 70s porn music starts playing. He shows her what she'll have on this lovely trip, a bucket of water and a machete. At the end of his little ramble he says that he's already given her a clue about where the idol is. She's convinced it's behind her and instead of trying to start a fire so she can boil some water she just starts looking for it.
"I ain't touchin' no leaf"
The others make their way to their respective beaches. The older men and older women get right to business and start collecting wood for a fire and building their shelter. Tina immediately asserts herself as the leader of the old broads. We know that as Survivor history dictates, in the first few hours of the game, if someone decides to be the leader, they get an instant target on their back. Cirie, you know, the "I'm a young woman" chick, realizes that she doesn't like leaves. I hate those bitches too, always trying to hurt me, spreading those nasty rumors about me and Gregg. Cirie just doesn't hate leaves, she hates nature and all the little insects involved in being on Survivor. I don't blame her though, that's exactly how I'd be. The only difference is I wouldn't go on Survivor.
The younger men decide that this is a good time to play coconut baseball and basically do what all young men of my generation enjoy the most, procrastinate. They get a bit distracted at the beginning when Aras, the yoga instructor, wants them to do some kind of a Panamanian mating ritual. Nice. Unfortunately the other guys aren't into it and they proceed to build the world's most pathetic shelter.
"I love turtles"
The younger women aren't doing much better since they suffer from what the women of my generation suffer from, being easily distracted. They try to find a good place to build the shelter, only to see a better place just down the beach. And then once there they find something better. On their search, Courtney finds a dead turtle on the beach and all of the sudden turns into Mother Nature. She draws a heart in the sand around it and does some sort of Native American rain dance around it chanting "Turtle! Turtle! Turtle!". The other girls are a bit spooked by this.
Dan, the first monkey is space
By now the older men have made fire and are currently talking to a volleyball named Wilson. They'll fit in just fine. Two of the men, Dan and Terry, do a little male bonding. They make a pact that they'll never lie to one another and then walk off into the sunset, holding hands. After they say they won't lie, they both come clean on the lies they've already told. It's been about four hours and there's already lying, this is gonna be good. Dan says that he's really a woman trapped in a man's body. Not exactly. He says that he's an astronaut. Not really sure what he told people he was before. Terry admits that although he is an airline pilot now, he was a Navy pilot before. For those of you not too quick on the uptake, it's my understand that most airline pilots were military pilots before taking on the friendly skies. Plus, that haircut should have given him away anyone as a Jarhead, or whatever the military slur is. Oh, I think it's Swabby? But the big thing about these statements is WHO CARES. It's not like the professional athlete Gary who didn't want people to know. Sometimes people take this lying and scheming thing a bit too seriously. Also at camp old dude, Shane admits that he gave up cigarettes to come on the show. In fact, he had a habit of smoking three packs a day. Me and my roommate did some math and realized that three packs is 60 cigarettes, and if he slept a normal eight hours at night, he basically had five cigarettes an hour. What the hell does he do for a living that he smokes three packs a day. Not just the logistical nightmare of taking a break every ten minutes to suck one down, but economical. At over four dollars a pack that's a lot of money he's inhaling. He's worried he's going to lash out at someone because of his withdrawal. I'm just worried he's already offending people with the nicotine he's probably emitting.
I'm thinking the 3 pack a day habit isn't his only bad quality
That night is a huge storm and poor Misty, having spent the whole entire time looking for the idol, hasn't made any type of shelter, or a fire, so she's just sitting under a rock shaking. The next morning she says that this has been the worst night of her life. Worse than that time she woke up with some guy named Fred next to her and a dead horse on the floor. Hungry, thirsty and tired she does what anyone would do who hasn't eaten in about twelve hours, she eats some worms. This bitch is hard core. She does come up with a fairly interesting plan though. She's gonna fool her tribemates into thinking she got the immunity idol. At first I thought this was a good plan, since now no one will look for it and she can continue to if she gets back there. After thinking about it though, I found a fatal flaw. If they think she has the idol, they should just vote her out. If she does have it she could just save herself and they'd know for sure she had it and could get rid of it. If she didn't have it they'd know she lied, but she'd be gone anyway. I don't think these geniuses will figure that out.
"I am the ghost of Survivor past. Ha-ha!"
When we finally make it to the immunity challenge, Misty does open her big trap, but not just to her tribe, everyone now thinks she could have the idol. Wow, she's smooth. The challenge is fairly simple. They have to dive off some platform in the ocean, swim to a boat, unhook it, paddle to shore, dig in the sand for some map that will help them untangle some giant ring. When they do that they take the ring, put it on a rope and throw it onto a hook in the sand, pulling it, and releasing their flag. Get it?
This is better than Janet Jackson
Anyway, they all start off and the younger guys can't seem to get their boats unhooked under water. Hey, pretend it's a bra, I'm sure at least two of you have had experience with that. Speaking of bra, they really should make bathing suits with a little sports bra included. Poor Cirie. The other teams are nearly to shore when the guys finally get it done. Once everyone is on the sand they start untangling the ring. Most of them give up trying to figure it out and start digging in the sand for the map to help them. While three of the older women are digging, the fourth, Melinda just stands there. Jeff points out that her not digging could be costly, but the bitch just stands there. The younger women and older men cross quickly and its just the younger guys and older women duking it out. Because of Melinda's laziness the younger men finish and the women are sent to tribal council.
Hey, it's Flo from Alice. "Kiss my grits!"
Once back at the camp Cirie tries and gets two of the other women on her side to vote off Tina!Yes, Tina. Tina is the one who did most of the work building the shelter, the log roller who has vast experience of living outside. To make it an even more idiotic thought, as Tina is walking along some rocks near the beach a fish looks to have been left there from high tide. Not that that makes complete sense since it's still breathing. Must have been a suicide mission. Or it was Jesus leaving a fish for the person he though should win. No one else was listening to Jesus though because at Tribal Council the women vote out Tina. Jeff is floored as well and makes the women feel like asses by telling them that they just voted out the one person that could help them. I hope they feel stupid.
