AMERICAN IDIOT

So what the hell's in that Coke cup that sits in front of Paula? I mean, I know she can be a little loopy, and even a bit odd, but I don't think I've ever seen her as high/drunk as she was for last week's episodes. But this show is about the singing, so more on Paula's crazy ass later. I wasn't that impressed with the performances, from the girls and the guys. There were only a few that really had me thinking they had a good chance.

I think she took a sip of Paula's Coke too

The first girl to take the stage is Katharine McPhee. She sings "All In Love Is Fair" and does a fairly decent job. She has a great voice, and makes love to the camera. I can't get over how much she looks like Katie Holmes though. As happens with most people who go first, they all thought it sucked. They were a bit more eloquent then that, but that was what they basically thought.

That microphone looks like a Twizzler next to that mouth

Next up is Kevin, oh, I mean Kinnik. I don't mean to make fun, she seems like a really sweet guy, um, girl. She's dressed in a cute cowboy (wink wink) outfit with camouflage pants. I didn't think that could work, but it does. She sings "Here For the Party" and gets the crowd going. Guess what the judges say? They're not impressed. Seriously, I think they ate sh** cereal for breakfast or something. I thought it was good.

She needs to eat some Muslix or something

Lisa Tucker is next singing "Who's Loving You" and man someone should tell her to practice singing in front of a mirror. This is a cute girl and she's just doing her "ugly" face when she sings. I think she sounds good, but let's see what the judges think. Randy's not impressed and Paula's starting to feel her happy pills. Simon's somewhere in the middle and quite frankly, between Paula and Randy's not exactly where I'd like to be.

She's going with that Britney Spears "I'm not pregnant. Yes I am. No I'm not" look

Finally someone who pleasantly surprises me, Melissa McGhee, or as I like to call her, Amanda Bynes. She tears it up with "Why Haven't I Heard From You" and I'm thoroughly impressed. Someone pulled the sticks out of the judges asses because they liked it too although Simon thinks she doesn't connect with the audience. I think she just needs a bit more confidence. Paula then freaks the hell out and decides she doesn't want to sit next to Simon. He looks like he probably stinks, so I can't blame her, although I think it may be the downers talking.

I'm distracted by her ta-tas

Heather Cox comes up next and I can't get over her name. That must have "sucked" to have that last name in high school. She tries singing "Hero" by Mariah Carey and sings it with the same inflections that Mariah sings it. The judges bring up the good point that if you ain't Mariah, don't try and sing her songs. And trust, me, she doesn't sing it like Mariah. And Randy should know, he's worked with Mariah. I know people think this is a bunch of crap but I actually saw an interview with Mimi and she corroborated the story.

Can I just hit the bitch?

Do I really have to talk about this biatch Brenna? I know people may like her, but is this someone I ever want to see again much less buy an album from? Hell to the no. She sings "Last Dance" which I think is one of the best disco songs ever. She butchers it. I mean she took out a knife and stabbed Donna Summers in the stomach and gouged out her eyes. If she saw this performances she'd throw herself off the top of her 2 story building just to get away from the TV. Of course Brenna sticks her own head up her ass and tells everyone how wonderful it was and disagrees with the judges assessment that she sucked.

Awe look, Grandma came out

Cute Paris is up next but she looks like one of the old ladies at the church I went to when I was growing up. She sings "Wind Beneath My Wings". She has a great voice, so it's not like she doesn't sound great when she sings, but it's just weird hearing a 17 year old sing that when she's not in some beauty pageant or something. The judges like it, but think she should act her damn age.

Ayla likes to recycle prom dresses

Ayla Brown comes out next and we learn she's like all those goody-two shoes we hated in high school. She does sports, is Class President, captain of the debate squad, Homecoming and Prom Queen and is in the Honor Society. She sings "I Want You To Need Me". She's fine, nothing extraordinary. It's my understanding these girls dress themselves. I don't know where she wore this dress before, but she needs to burn it. It just doesn't do her any good. Paula and Randy like her performance and Randy gives her an underhand comment, telling her that she knows her strengths and weaknesses. Simon says that he thinks she's the kinda girl that is able to succeed in whatever she does. Yeah, like I said, I hated those girls in high school. She's probably dating the quarterback too. Bitch.

"Uh-huh, watch out!"

Kellie Pickler sings next, but before that, we're treated to the fact that she comes from some back hills place and doesn't know that squid is called "Cal-i-marrri". She's adorable but unfortunately she can't really sing. She tries to sing "Something To Talk About" and manages to get through it without being horrible, but I can't see buying her album. Paula and Randy thought it was great, and although Simon thinks the singing isn't great, people will vote for her because she's likable. That's true, I vote for her.

Fox Hills Mall
Culver City, CA 90230-6403

The last female performance is Mandisa. She chooses a Faith Hills song, "Cry". I love the way she does it and think she has one of the best voices in the competition. She really needs to stop shopping at Ross though and go over to Fox Hills Mall and hit up that Lane Bryant. Paula thinks it was great and although Randy agrees, he thinks there were some spots that weren't great. Simon thinks it was good too and makes some dumb analogy about it. All in all the girls' performances were fairly boring. I wasn't dancing around to any of them and I pray to the Lords of Kobol that bitch Brenna gets voted out. Again, I vote for everyone so she's less likely to be kept in, and so I can complain about her later.

I know, just wrong, but really separated at birth

The next night is the guys and they're not much better. I'm getting pretty bored and want the final twelve to be announced. I just don't have the patience to listen to 20 people a week sing, when less than a third of them sound nice. I do have to give it to the guys though, I think they have better singers then the girls.

Ah, Taylor

Taylor Hicks comes out and tells everyone to stand up. Oh yeah, we're in for a treat, he's gonna tear it up. Wait, he's singing "Easy". That's a bit embarrassing, everyone's no on their feet swaying to this sad ass song. I love the song normally but I'm pissed because he told me to get up and this is totally NOT a get up sorta song. Taylor does sing it fairly well. Again I have to close my eyes when he sings because he does that weird Ray Charles impersonation. Of course the judges noshed on bitch bread before they came out and think Taylor was just "okay". I'm not saying he was the greatest either but the judges are usually all over that like R Kelly at a Girl Scouts meeting.

"They're magically delicious"

Elliott Yemin is next and I feel the pressure. Last week Simon said he had the potential to be the best male singer in Idol history. That's a lot to take in but I'm confident this won't go to Elliott's head. He sings "Moody's Mood For Love" and I have no idea what the hell he's saying through most of the lyrics. His voice sounds fine but I'm so not into that kind of music. The judges think Elliott just cured cancer because they just love the performance. Randy even stands up and claps. That's saying a lot to get that big man out of his seat. Simon does say that songs like that won't win him the title of Miss America- ah, American Idol, but he really liked the performance.

For some reason Simon's just not responding to this

Ace decides to wreck any career he may have by singing the dumbest American Idol song, "If I'm Not Made For You" by Daniel Bettingfield. This song does nothing for him but prove that he sucks. I didn't even like the original but at least I could turn that off when it came on. Okay, so technically I could have turned this off too, but I didn't. You know my roommate was watching it and all. I don't mind looking at Ace, even if his face is funny shaped. Because the judges are still high from Elliott's performance, Randy and Paula thought it was fine. It's only Simon's reasonable head that lets everyone else in on the secret that it sorta sucked. After Ace is done he throws his trusted beanie hat to one of the Idol girls in the front row. Brenna practically tackles it so she can get a few more minutes on television. I'm gonna drive down to Hollywood Center Studios or wherever the hell they tape this and kick her in the cooch. I'd feel better.

I don't want to make fun of Gedeon, I like him

Sweet Gedeon is next and I want to vote him through just because of what Simon said last week about his smile bothering him. He sings a boring song, "A Change is Gonna Come" but he does a good job. He's very throw back to the early Motown era. If he put out an album of Motown hits I would definitely think about buying it and then illegally download it later. Randy's again ambivalent and says he worked it out in the end. Paula of course is on her love wagon so she liked it, and Simon agrees with me that he's a Barry Gordy throw back.

I can't deal with Chicken Little

Next up is Kevin Covais This poor kid, why is he still in this. I mean he can hold a tune, but he stands there like he's sitting on a yard stick and he has that awful lisp. And dear God, he's singing "Heard It Through The Grapevine". He just stands there all stiff and tries to get through a Marvin Gaye song. It's really sad, but Randy thinks Kevin can really sing. He's going over to Paula's dark side because she thinks Kevin is just great. Simon's not as enthused about it.

"Isss that okay?"

Sway is next and he sings "Overjoyed" and I'm not. Why people try to sing Stevie I have no frakin' idea. Plus, this is the week of sad love songs or something. At least he didn't sing it all high like he did last week, although I kinda wish he had. It sorta feels like he's trying too hard, looking at the judges out of the corner of his eye. He just doesn't have the confidence and I think if he had that, he'd be great. I'm not surprised when the judges don't care for it either. I do like Sway, he just needs a few more weeks to get his confidence.

I'd totally be out in 18 months for good behavior

Will Maker comes out and I again feel like I may go to jail. He's just so damn cute. Lookin' like a Brady and all. He sings "Lady" and he's not half bad. He needs to move a bit because he's standing there stiff as a board. Randy thinks it was okay and Paula likes his tone. And by tone she means his cute young butt. Simon thinks his audience will be 11 year old girls. I guess I'm eleven because I think he's adorable (jail bait).

Next we have North Caroline native Bucky Covington. Something about this guy I really like, especially when he talks about no sweet tea in Los Angeles. That's so true, what the hell is that about? He sings Garth Brooks "Thunder Rolls". He's perfect for this song and I think he tears it up. All three judges actually agree and like Bucky. Simon points out that he's sincere and I completely agree with him.

"No, not you. You"

Poor David Radford is next and his dimple kill me (jail bait). He sings "The Way You Look Tonight" which is a really sweet song that just doesn't work. The kid's got a decent voice but I am so over the whole crooner thing. Randy and Paula agree that it wasn't great and I think the poor kid's gonna cry. Simon wasn't impressed either and I'm about to cry for the poor guy. He holds it together though as Ryan does his little vote for him speech.

I love this guy

The final singer of the night is Chris Daughtry and he tears it up with a Fuel song. He has the charisma, the chops, the looks, everything that Idol's about. I love it and so do the judges. Simon thought it was the only true performance of the night, and I gotta give it to him, he's right. I vote for him about eight times.

Finally we get to elimination night the best part isn't who gets kicked out, it's Paula. Man, this bitch was drunk or high, or both. I don't know half the things she said and even the cool headed Ryan quipped that they didn't know what the hell she was talking about. She then went on a hitting spree and was doing those girly slaps on Simon. Really, they need to monitor her before a show and makes sure she's not slipping anything. They should turn her mike off or something.

I'm not gonna beat around the bush, that bitch Brenna finally got voted out. Ah-ha, no one likes you but four or five people and they're all related to you. I'm not crying but I think she wants to. She tries to put on a happy front and encourages Clive Davis to call her so they can make a record together. Yeah, I'm sure what he wants right now is another diva. At least Mariah and Whitney can back that up. The next girl to go is Heather Cox. Who? Yeah, I don't know either.

The first boy to leave is David Radford. I'm not really surprised and he looks like he's gonna cry again. I mean the kid's only what? Seventeen? I don't blame him. The next choice of guys is between Sway and Kevin. Easy choice here right? I'd choose Kevin to go in a heart beat. Unfortunately my three votes for Sway didn't "sway" the votes enough. Ha, get it? Sway, "sway"? Yeah. I just want to make it to the top 12. After the next elimination we'll finally be there.