Last night there was nothing on. I would have normally, in the regular television season, been brooding through another stupid episode of Desperate Housewives and crying/laughing/loving my way through Grey's at 10. Don't forget it moves to Thursdays at 9pm this fall! Instead, the Miss Universe pageant was on. I hate repeats, so thought to myself, "Self, just watch the parade of nations to see the dumbass costumes they're making these women wear". So I sat myself down and watched it. The whole show. I was mesmerized and it was a bit disturbing at parts as well. I'm not a pageant fan, in fact, I think it's completely unfair they have this, but we have nothing with men trotting around in little swimsuits. The only thing we have is Mr. Universe, and I would pay someone not to watch big muscled guys in Speedos all oiled up and tanned walking around. Ewe.
Anyway, as I started watching though I became more enthralled. First, with all the women coming out in their respective nations outfit. I didn't get some of them, in fact, why the hell did USA come out dressed like a frakkin' jockey? Not only that, but she made it into the top 5. Really? Top 5? Are you sure? Oh that's right, we're in America, she has to come in at least top 5 or they'll be a riot. Actually, I thought there was going to be a riot when Miss Mexico didn't make the top 5. Everyone that was cheering for the World Cup came to the Shrine Auditorium to support Miss Mexico, who is quite beautiful.
Yes young girls, this is what your new Miss Universe looks like in a swimsuit
Let me go back to the swimsuits though. I was disturbed. These bitches are skinny. Not that I expected it to be Monique's Fat Chance, but still, they were boney, Lara Flynn Boyle, I'm gonna die at any minute skinny. I'm not saying thin isn't great, but when you can see the upper ribs, that ain't good. In the audience though was Carson from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, and some woman who I guess won some sort of pageant once. They thought the bodies were great. I know the fashion industry has some messed up idea of what beauty is, and the women in it are skinny as hell, but I didn't think it'd translate to a beauty pageant.
And Carson and that chick were just odd. They made way too many gay jokes. Not that I don't appreciate gay jokes. Wait, that didn't come out right. I appreciate gay jokes that aren't at the expense of gay people. I mean, the jokes weren't bad, but there were way too many. It's like watching Eddie Murphy's RAW, but not nearly as funny, and a bit odd at times.
The dresses were beautiful though, and some of the women. And when they had clothes on it didn't look nearly as bad than in the swimsuits. Okay, I've said "swimsuit" a few times, but I definitely don't call them that. Bathing suits. Just had to get that off my chest.
At the end of the night it was down to Japan and Puerto Rico. Japan is cute, funny, charming, and I was routing for her from the beginning. She even won for best national costume. I'm not sure why, she looked more like a samurai prostitute. And then for some unknown reason, the judges picked Puerto Rico. Actually, I think they were so scared after the whole Miss Mexico fiasco, they had to choose her.
Today I found out that the poor girl passed out during her post interviews. I'm not surprised though, as Carson pointed out they were probably eating Tic Tacs and ice cubes for the three weeks leading up to it.
And just now I went to the Miss Universe website to get pictures of the girls, and not only can I get pictures, but I can send them flowers. Yes, don't donate to orphans or give money to cancer research, be a stalker and send some flowers to a Miss Universe contestant. Weird! http://www.fiftyflowers.com/index.asp?PageAction=Custom&ID=12
What's up with that creepy arm on her neck?
All in all, I think it was a good show. I was begging for someone to trip, but they never did. I know, I'm evil sometimes. Donald Trump was in the audience looking for his next baby mamma, and unlike my prediction, in my own head, Israel and Lebanon didn't have a cat fight. At least not on stage.
