Wow. It's been a long time not only since the final episode of this dumb ass show, but since I last talked about it. Hopefully this'll be an abbreviated recap, just the highlights. Luckily this show isn't good enough to go into specific detail. Even with the detail it still comes out sounding ridiculously stupid. Why do I recap it then? You may ask. I don't know, why is it fun to watch old people fall down on America's Funniest Home Video. Train wrecks are easy to watch, fun too sometimes. If you want to be reminded of what happened last recap, take a look at this... http://primetimetvblog.blogspot.com/2006/04/cookie-monster.html
When we last left Gabby, she and Lily had just bonded. I guess leaving your baby home, unattended will do that to you. As she and Carlos are taking the baby around the neighborhood, the kid's father, Dale, shows up. Remember this tool was in Daytona Beach or somewhere the kids go for spring break. He wants the baby back, because his brother, whose name I can't remember, wants to get his stripper girlfriend back. He thinks the baby will do it. Of course G&C refuse, but the guy doesn't want to give up that easy. Gabby has to go show herself at the school he's the star athlete at, and threaten to expose him at this Christian school for sleeping with a stripper and getting her pregnant. He relents, and signs the papers. Unfortunately, the stripper decides she wants to give this mommy thing a go. Even though she's already signed the papers, until it gets sorted out she'll go back to her. Whatever brainiac over at the courthouse, thinks that putting Lily with her stripper mother instead of, oh wait, Carlos is a felon, so who am I to judge. They take Lily away and Gabby flips out, sobbing as the cop literally rips her out of her arms. I've never wanted to punch a stripper like I did during that scene.
It only took an episode for Gabby to get over the whole Lily thing. She and Carlos started talking more about surrogates. Luckily for them, Xei Mei, who I'll just call Mei, was going to be deported. If you remember, her uncle sold her into slavery or something like that, so she didn't want to go back. Not sure how living with Gabby was any different. Well, if I had a choice to be a slave there or here, I'd definitely choose here. I just answered my own question. At the immigration lawyer's office, they found out that one of the ways they could keep her in America was for her to have an American baby. Cue the light bulb. They tried to explain to her what the plan was, and at first she was scared. She said that she was a virgin. She eventually understood what was happening, at least partly. On the day of the implantation, she got naked in front of Carlos, thinking they'd be doing it the old fashioned way. They laugh it off, but when Carlos goes to give up his sperm, he doesn't need any help, if you know what I mean.
So Mei is pregnant, woohoo. Carlos is acting like she's the second coming, even giving up their bed to her so she's closer to the bathroom for her morning sickness. Morning sickness the day after implantation. Did we just cross over to Days of Our Lives land? Anyway, Mei is being a bit bratty, she doesn't like Gabby's perfume, everything makes her sick, blah blah blah. Gabby's pissed, rightfully so, since it's still her baby Mei is carrying. At a tennis practice, during a break, Gabby sees on the news, and gets a call, that someone picking up litter on the side of the road, fitting Carlos' description, was hit and killed. Gabby flips out, eventually making it to her house. She's in the driveway, balling, when Mei comes out, buttoning up her little outfit. Uh oh. Gabby says that Carlos is dead, and Mei tells her not to kill him. Huh? He's not dead, he's in the kitchen. She's happy to see Carlos, who tells her that he got some poor guy to do his community service for him. Why is he sweaty though? He was running on the treadmill. With no shoes? Uh oh again. Eventually, Gabby puts two and two together and thinks maybe Carlos is hookin' it up with Mei. She plants baby monitors around the house and tries to listen in. Unfortunately, she doesn't hear anything, until she goes over to Lynette's house. Apparently her baby monitor sometimes picks up other ones. How convenient. Gabby hears Carlos telling Mei what a great kisser she is. I was really hoping this was Carlos setting Gabby up because he would never cheat on her, but alas it's not. He's cheating on her alright. She pulls Mei into this house and locks Carlos out, throwing clothes at him over the balcony. Man, their house has been the place for drama lately. Carlos tells her that she told him to do it. Well, that is true. But Gabby points out that she meant for him to go out and have meaningless sex, not sex with the woman carrying their child. Point taken. She tells him to get a lease, that they are through. Mei wonders if she should leave, but Gabby points out that she's carrying her child, so she owns her for the next nine months. Ouch.
Lynette's having some issues too. Another late night at work, for her. Ed has her at work late every night because he's a dick. Oh, also, he has problems at home and isn't a mature adult so he needs a practical stranger's help to get along better with his wife. I hate Ed. In the wacky Lynette way, she tries to help Ed out by performing IM sex for him with his wife. The next day Ed comes in and the plan has backfired. He felt too embarrassed to tell his wife it was Lynette doing the talking, and too stupid to actually read what Lynette wrote the night before, so he told his wife it was Tom who wrote all of that. I don't know why that would be better. I would think it'd be hotter if it was Lynette. Anyway, because his wife is a raging bitch, she's going to make Ed fire Tom. Lynette informs him that he can't fire Tom, that Tom's under contract. Ed's determined to find something in Tom's work that causes him to warrant being fired.
When Lynette warns Tom, he's furious, but come on, you know who you're married to. You're working with her, something like this was bound to happen sooner rather then later. Lynette then tells Tom to be on his best behavior from now on. He can't do that though, when he learns there's an audit happening on all his travel expenses. He goes into Ed's office and hits him, allowing Ed to fire him. Later, Lynette goes and tries to be all high and mighty to Ed, who informs her that Tom not only went to Atlantic City on a bunch of occasions, but he bought flowers and show tickets. Uh oh. Busted! But wait, why the hell would you try and expense that stuff? Especially when Lynette works at the SAME company! She tries to get him to confess, but he doesn't. Then, suddenly, he has to go to Atlantic City for something, even though he doesn't have a job. Oh wait, it was because one of their friends had a lead on a job. In Atlantic City?? Oh great. She tries to confront him, and he gives great excuses, which she believes, until the card he gave her to prove to her he wasn't having an affair, he pockets so she can't call the person.
With Mrs. McCluskey's help, Lynette does what any rational woman would do, she flies 3000 miles to find out what's going on. She sees more then she's bargained for, Tom going to some other woman's house. We can't see her face but she's in a slinky back dress, they have glasses of wine, and walk upstairs. Oh hell no! When Tom comes home from Atlantic City, Lynette is gone and no one will tell him where she is, with the kids. She's at some dump hotel as the kids swim in the pool. Because her kids are assholes, one of them jumps off the upper landing trying to get into the pool but misses. HA-HA!. Tom rushes to the hospital. The kid's okay, besides being a total moron. He and Lynette finally get to talk and he admits that he has been lying. In fact, before they were together he had a one night stand which produced a daughter. She's eleven now and he just found out about her. He's been going to see her. And expensing it!? That's just so wrong. Lynette's pissed, but accepts it, since there's nothing else she can do.
In flashback scenes that pepper the finale, right after Lynette gives birth to Penny, Tom's talking about more kids. He's such a bastard sometimes. He obviously wants and loves children. (that's not why he's a bastard) But mostly because he wasn't the one taking care of them though. Lynette agrees to meet the daughter, Kayla, and the mother, Nora. Well, the mother shows up without Kayla and she's one crazy bitch. From the beginning I'm hoping Lynette punches this bitch's face in. She basically wants to blackmail them into giving her money. She's very white trash, which really has me wondering if this was the woman we saw with Tom in Atlantic City. Their relationship is civilized, but Tom was all smiley with his wine, walking upstairs. This show is all over the map. Lynette's not having it though, and doesn't let this bitch push her around. The money this woman is asking for will bankrupt them, and I find it hard to believe, even if Tom knew about the kid, which he didn't, if the court would take so much money away from Tom, his wife, and his other four kids, to bankrupt them. I highly doubt it. Anyway, they end up draining their savings and giving the bitch $30K. She informs them later that she put it as a down payment for a house in Fairview. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am not looking forward to seeing this stupid bitch next season, unless Lynette's kicking her ass.
On to Skeletor and her dumb ass. I'm sorry, I'm being harsh today, but this show really irritates me. Anyway, since Susan slept with Karl, she's feeling guilty. In fact, Karl officially left Edie. All the women were trying to console her, calling this nameless woman (Susan) a whore and what not. At some sort of Hooters knock off restaurant, Edie got into a fight with the waitress she thought Karl was cheating with and Susan jumped on the pile of woman to help her out. How this would help her, I'm not sure. I mean there were already plenty of rib and thigh bones hanging around. BAM! Susan then found out that Edie hired a private investigator to suss out the whore. Mike caught wind of it and paid the guy off not to tell Edie.
Susan decided that she was going to come clean with Edie. She wrote her a note, but then changed her mind. Unfortunately, when she went to steal in back from the mailman, who she invited in for tea, she took it out of his bag and slipped in back into her own mail pile. When Julie, who's still a little bitch, came in, she sorted through the mail and put Edie's letter back into the mailman's bag.
Edie got the letter and flipped out. She went over to Susan's house while she was at Mike's and burned it to the ground. Everyone came over to help her clean up the mess, including Kyle, the dentist, who Susan has a mini-friendship with. Then there's Edie, who's standing on the side, not helping, eating an ice cream. Oh, she's a crazy bitch. In fact, when Susan asks her about it, she admits to it. Susan's one to talk, she burnt down Edie's house too. Edie's obviously a vindictive bitch, but at least she's consistent. Susan insists on getting a wire put on her from Mike, and when she goes over to Edie's house again, she thrusts her boobs in the woman's face and practically screams, "I'M BUGGED, PLEASE CONFESS SO I CAN HAVE YOU ARRESTED". Idiot! Edie might be a ho, but she's a smart ho, and figures it out. She chases Susan down the street and they eventually fall onto the ground, next to a bee hive. Edie must be wearing some sort of bee perfume, because as Susan stands there, the bees attack her. Later, Susan visits her in the hospital where she looks pretty damn bad, and wants to bury the hatchet. Edie's not having it though, and basically tells her it's "on like Donkey Kong". She also lays it out for her that she can't take care of herself, and has all these men fawning over her and taking care of her. I only halfway agree with that statement, but I know where she's going with that.
Once back at her place, Mike offers to let her and Julie stay with him, instead of at Bree's, but she's the new and improved Susan, she doesn't need anyone else. In fact, to make life easier for the two of them, Susan buys an RV. The ugliest RV that looks straight out of National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. Haha, I loved that movie. "Sh*tters full!" Mike actually likes this new Susan, and so does Karl. Uh oh. In fact, while Susan and Mike are sitting outside of the RV, Karl shows up and they nearly piss on her trying to mark territory. Later, Karl sees Mike go into a jewelry store and busts him for buying Susan a ring. Whu whu whu??? When the hell did he fall back in love with her? Enough in love with her to marry her? Wow, this show is great and consistent and explanatory too.
Back in Susan's house on wheels, Karl wakes Julie and Susan up by driving off with their house. He takes them to another house which he claims he just bought for them. He says he's not going to live there, but Susan doesn't like the idea. Kinda goes against that whole independent thing. But, Julie loves it so Susan decides to move in. I didn't realize Karl was this rich to just buy a house for someone. There HAS to be a catch. It's Karl!!! Back at Susan's she and Karl are loading boxes into his car. Why they aren't loading them into the rolling house I don't know. Let's assume most of the boxes are in there. Wait, we can't assume with this brain surgeon. Mike goes over to find out what the deal is and since Susan gave him that big speech about being independent, she's embarrassed at what went down. Karl tells him though and Mike thinks this was all because he saw him buying a ring. Speaking of buying things, I don't get this whole "everybody loves Susan" thing. I think I'm agreeing with Edie on this. Susan hears the ring exchange, but her questions are drowned out by the guys fighting.
While they were fighting, Karl chipped one of Mike's teeth. Susan suggested he go see Orson, aka, Kyle. Kyle commented that he must have been in prison, since he has prison issue fillings or something. Mike thinks it's interesting that he knows this. Kyle says that he helped inmates out, while in dental school in some state I forget. Mike notices that the certification on his wall says it's from some state he didn't mention. Kyle covers and says he's certified in many states. And then, instead of shutting the hell up, Mike thinks he recognizes Kyle. I'm thinking Mike should shut the frak up. He's about to have his teeth drilled by this guy and he's giving him the third degree. He already knows Susan's not into him, what does he care? This is the genius of this show. And by genius I mean stupidity.
For some reason, Susan and Julie are still in the RV later. Nevermind they have a house to move into. Susan's put a note on Mike's doorstep. She's decided to propose to him herself. When she told the girls they were supportive, except for Gabby who didn't understand loving a man like that. Anyway, Mike got the note and read that she wanted to meet him up at the lake for a romantic dinner. He saw her looking at him and gave her a smiley head nod. She was all happy. What happened with these two in a minute.
The best storyline of the entire show, as I've been saying for months, is Bree. Last we left this crazy red head, she had just manipulated her father and step-mother into basically disowning Andrew. She and Andrew made peace, she even started trying to get along with his boyfriend. Speaking of boyfriends, Peter, hers, is still in Sex Addicts Anonymous. In fact, just as they're getting close, his sponsor, Claude, breaks it up. Since Bree's not one to take things lying down, when she visits Claude and he doesn't back down in keeping Bree and Peter apart, she gets him busted for cocaine possession. He didn't exactly have it, one of his sponsorees gave it to him so he wouldn't use it. It's kinda messed up she did that, since it was a lot of cocaine and he'll probably get a big sentence, but I get her point, she's trying to get some.
Peter's hurt that Claude did this, but Bree comforts him and says that she'll be his sponsor. He's weary of that, since she doesn't know the extent of his sex addiction. He has her come to this disgusting sex party to show her what he used to do and what she might need to get him out of. She's okay with it because she truly cares about him. She even invites him over to dinner with the kids. While they're on the phone talking about not bringing up the sex addict thing, Andrew overhears this from the extension he picked up. He then convinces Danielle to join his crazy plan. He makes Danielle wear a skimpy inappropriate outfit to the dinner, to which Peter can't take his eyes off. Wait, is he also a pedophile? I'm confused. Then, at the table, Danielle ends up caressing Peter's leg, which, surprise, surprise, makes him jump up and run out.
A few days later, he comes back and Bree's not there. Andrew is though and Peter apologizes for running out. He says he did a lot of bad stuff before and Andrew brings up the sex addict thing. Peter admits that he slept with a lot of "people". This intrigues Andrew who realizes it wasn't just women Peter was attracted too. Crazy mind working overtime. Of course, Bree comes home and finds Andrew in her bed and Peter coming out of the bathroom. Bree of course is pissed and angry, and all of that. There are so many things about this I have a problem with. One being Peter's carefree expression when he's coming out of the bathroom. Two, why oh why would they do it in the house, and more so, why would they do it in HER bed!?! STOOPID!
Bree's come to her breaking point. She decides to drive Andrew to the college he's looking at, much to his surprise. Unfortunately, looking at the college isn't her true goal. She pulls over on the side of the road at a gas station and gets out, pulling a bag out of the trunk. She tells him that she packed some of his stuff, and put some money in there that should hold him off until he's able to get a job. He begs her not to leave him there and she says that she's not strong enough to be around him anymore, and quite frankly, I don't blame her. She looks like crap and it seems he's sucked the life right out of her. Before she goes he tells her that he knew this would happen, that as soon as he told her he was gay, he saw the look in her eyes and knew that one day she would stop loving him. And that now he wins. She just looks at him and says, "Well, good for you," and leaves him standing there. Damn. This was such a great scene with these two, I was feeling so bad for the both of them, even him.
So she was left with Danielle. That's encouraging. Danielle who's still sneaking around with Matthew. Speaking of the Applewhites, they've finally made a reappearance. In fact, we get to see the whole Melanie Foster flashback. Matthew's breaking up with her, and being the slutty little ho that he seems to be attracted to, she wants him to meet her in the train yard later that night to finish him off or whatever. She shows up to the train yard and who shows up, but Caleb, who was listening into their conversation. He wants to hug her, but she calls him a freak, and everything someone shouldn't do to a big strong man in a dark train yard in the middle of the night. These people really need to learn when to shut the hell up. He ends up hitting her in the head. He gets scared and leaves. Betty sees the blood on his shirt when he comes back and that's when she uproots the family.
Anyway, in the present, Betty's decided to move the family away again. Matthew doesn't want to go so he enlists the help of Danielle. They trick Caleb into going to Danielle's house, while Bree is there, and doing what looks like trying to rape her, but really, Matthew said Danielle wanted to talk to him or something. Bree is furious, and tells Betty that she's going to turn them in. Betty decides to just kill Caleb instead. Um, ok. She tells Matthew her plan to poison him with some of the ice cream he loves so much. He hasn't planned on that, but can't really say how he set Caleb up. She takes him down to the lake for a picnic. I don't think I've ever had ice cream at a picnic, but I guess I've never tried to kill anyone with ice cream either. It looks fairly frozen still when he starts eating it. While he's eating he tells her that he was just doing what Matthew said. Uh oh. Betty takes the ice cream away from him.
When she gets home she locks Matthew in the basement. Danielle figures out where he is and breaks him out, and they run away together. When Betty learns Matthew's left, she and Caleb try and leave, but are ambushed by the cops. No, I have no idea how the cops figured everything out and got to them. Anyway, the cops show Betty a picture of Melanie Foster, and oddly, she has a coat draped over her head. Betty immediately recognizes and tells the cops that this isn't Caleb's jacket, it's Matthew's. Now, I don't mean to nitpick here, but I would think that she would just let Caleb take the fall for it since he's going to be found incompetent, and will just spend his time in a mental facility, as opposed to her other son that will go to a full fledged prison. I'm not saying lying about murder and covering things up is good, but if there was ever a time to do it, it's now.
We then see what else happened the night Melanie died. Matthew did show up to the train yard and found Melanie on the ground, but she was alive. At first it didn't seem like she was going to tell anyone what Caleb did, until Matthew told her that this didn't mean they'd get back together. In another moment of "bitch should just shut up" she started going on about going to the police and telling them what Caleb did. This is too much for Matthew, who takes a two by four and bludgeons her to death. Really not sad she died. Am a bit confused though, since when Betty told Bree the story she said that Caleb picked up an ax and gave Melanie 40 whacks. Also, what kind of inept cops were working this case? As someone else pointed out, that jacket he left was full of his DNA, plus, she was dating him, he should be the first person they looked at, especially since he suddenly disappeared. Who knows anymore with this show. Then we cut to Matthew standing over Danielle's bed in the cheap motel they're staying in.
When Bree came home and found the note Danielle left her, about how she needed to leave and how Bree sucked as a mother, that was just too much for her, she had to check herself into a mental institution. While there, she expected to just get fed medicine, but the doctors won't do that. In fact, she lies to the doctor, saying her kids are wonderful, that one is away looking at schools or something and the other one is at cheerleader camp. Some bullcrap that he doesn't believe. Later, as she's hanging out in the playroom or wherever, she sees Kyle. He approaches her and they speak. She asks him not to tell anyone she's there. Apparently he's there visiting a friend, some lady who Bree learns hasn't spoken since she got there. Something tells me there's more to the story then just that. There's an obvious flirtation.
Bree tries to walk out once, but it doesn't work. Then, she gets a call on her cell phone from Betty who tells her it was Matthew who killed Melanie. This freaks her out and she tries to leave again. This time they tie her to her bed. At the same time, Danielle and Matthew decide to make their way back to Wisteria Lane to raid Bree's safe and get some cash. The next day, in her session with her doctor, she says that she lied, and that she's ashamed of what's happened. He asked what she'd say if her kids were there. She tells him that she would ask for Andrew's forgiveness, and tell Danielle that she had a plan to protect her. With that, she takes the little sand Zen garden and throws it in her doctor's face. She hurries down the hall and just as an alarm sounds, she sees Kyle. She hides behind a door as the orderly comes through. She grabs the door to stop it from closing and gives Kyle one last look and he smiles at her, not giving her up.
Matthew and Danielle have made it back to her house. Fortunately, Bree's changed the combination on the safe. Matthew goes over to get the sledgehammer from his house and runs into Betty. I'm thinking she's getting a sledgehammer to the face, but she doesn't. She just tells him she knows he killed Melanie, and he says that she would never protect him the same way she does Caleb. He leaves without hurting her, which surprises me, and she calls the police.
Back at Bree's, Matthew's managed to get the safe open and he and Danielle are currently raiding the fridge. Bree shows up and tells Danielle to get away from Matthew, that he murdered Melanie. The little bitch doesn't buy it and tells her to leave them alone. They try to leave and Bree blocks them. Matthew whips out a gun and points it at Bree. Danielle's scared now, and tries to get Matthew to back down. He pushes to her, and she starts to see it, but not really because she's a dumb ho. Bree then starts coming closer to the gun, as Matthew starts to get worried. She tells Danielle to leave again and comes even closer. He's yelling at her wondering what she's doing and she says that if getting shot by him will show her daughter who he truly is, then so be it. I have to say, then, and even a little now, this scene touched me. She finally showed true, unconditional, throw myself in front of a moving car, do whatever I need to do to protect my child motherly instincts. Finally. Suddenly, there's a popping sound. Matthew drops down to the ground, dead. The super fast sharp shooting S.W.A.T. team has made it to the scene, assessed the situation, and determined to shoot the black man, which they do. I'm amazed his finger didn't pull the trigger when he got shot.
Down the street, at what a looks like the same time, Mike's buying flowers. He's on his way to meet with Susan. Up at the lake she's put together a feast, decorated the RV with stickers that say, "If the truck's a rockin', don't come a knockin'!" Oh, and some pretty lights. Cut then to Mike crossing the street with the flowers and a red car zooms towards him, on purpose, and hits him, hard. He flips over the car and falls onto the pavement, very close to death. As the car turns the corner, we see that it's Kyle! What the frak?! What we can only assume is the next day, Bree's leaving her house and who's there? Kyle! With some flowers! I wonder if he got them off of the road after he hit Mike. Cheap.
So that's the jist of it. I know that was long, but trust me, it took me much longer to write it then it did for you to just read it. Am I looking forward to the next season? I guess. But, I hear the creator and head writer, Marc Cherry, will be back in the driver's seat this season. I'm assuming that means it'll be back to how it was that first season, but we can only hope.
